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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband told me he wants to leave me and the children but won’t go

126 replies

JnAb23 · 03/07/2022 14:09

My husband who I share two children with (2 and 7) many months ago said that he felt that we had grown apart and that he didn’t want ‘family life’ and would be better on his own. This has left me devastated as I didn’t suspect anything was wrong so it has come as a complete shock. I am still completely in love with me and can’t imagine a life without him. However, since saying what he did, he has remained in the family home and just continued to make me feel awful. Just comes home late from work every night and doesn’t contribute to helping with the children (although he barely every has!), he has had numerous hotel stays on his own, doesn’t really engage in conversation with me, never wants to do anything as a family, sleeps in a separate bed. I am utterly broken by it. No one can understand it as we have had such a happy marriage and I truly believe I’ve been a good wife which he doesn’t disagree with. I so want it to work out but he has made no effort to try in any way. It was even my birthday the other day and he did nothing for it. I ended up on the phone to the Samaritans that night as I was so desperate to talk to someone! What do I do? I cant kick him out as we share a home and he says he has no money to stay anywhere else. I just feel like I’m stuck in a house with a man I’m desperate to love me but is clearly never going to and it’s destroying me. I have also had three weeks signed off work with stress. Where do I stand? What can I do to move forward?

OP posts:

Ortega888 · 04/07/2022 06:42

Please leave this man for your sake and the kids. He’s clearly playing around and up to no good. If you can go see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings it will be the best for everyone. If he treats you like this he’s no longer the man you loved. If you can sell your home or if your renting just move out. He’s trying to force you out of your home. You clearly deserve better. Check his phone and emails if you can and watch him like a hawk. I hope you find out what he’s up to. Don’t give him a second chance as he doesn’t deserve it and your too good for him. Shame on him for his dreadful behaviour. I had a similar situation a husband who wouldn’t help it was like I was a single parent no man who acts this way deserves a loving wife as we just end up with a grown ass adult who is like a child. Let us know how you go on.

summersbysea · 04/07/2022 06:50

He's most likely seeing another woman or even men? How old is he became sometimes married men only realise a bit later on who they are. Best of luck hun. As others said a lawyer and advice might be best option. Check his phone so you know where you stand with the divorce.
It'll come out in the wash after you go your own ways

Lesleyann13 · 04/07/2022 06:54

I’m sorry to say this but years ago an ex of mine behaved like this. Someone pointed out an affair and I said he’d never do that. It was an affair, totally destroyed our relationship then wanted to come back months later. I’d moved on. Sorry you are going through it’s awful.

Palavah · 04/07/2022 07:06

Keep a record of how much he is/isn't doing to help with the child and the house.

Agree above about making life uncomfortable for him at home - no meals, no laundry, no admin, get friends round and have playdates (and use thr return visits to go out and do nice things for yourself)

Fifi0102 · 04/07/2022 07:15

Start to detach and go grey rock , seek advice from a solicitor. There's an OW somewhere who probably doesn't want to move in with him just yet.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/07/2022 08:07

Think of yourself and your children only here-see a solicitor and start the break. And tell him to fuck off to his OW. There is no way this ends week so you need to make it end for you and the your children so you can build lives together-this is not a life. Good luck 🤞

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/07/2022 08:07

Ends well not week

RockinHorseShit · 04/07/2022 08:19

I'd be putting itching powder in the crotch of all his underwear, he's a first class twunt & he has had his head turned & is cheating on you. Keep a diary of any abuse... verbal etc is abuse too & go to the police. Definitely see a solicitor too
So sorry you've had your world turned upside down, but you can get through this & be a lot happier & likely look back & see he wasn't such a catch after all 💐

Glitternails1 · 04/07/2022 08:25

It’s one thing saying he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, but it’s a whole other level when he says he doesn’t want to be in his 7 year old’s life anymore. You need to speak to a solicitor today. Maybe there’s a way to get his name off the house seeing as you owned it first (I’m not an expert on this, clearly). He also needs to leave. Today. Not your problem he doesn’t have anywhere to stay. He can find a sofa to sleep on in someone else’s house. You also need a full time job. Do you have family support?

nothingfound · 04/07/2022 08:28

Wnikat · 03/07/2022 14:21

Other woman. Check his phone

Whether or not there is another woman doesn't really matter at this stage does it? Op isn't trying to catch him out, he's already checked out.

Beautiful3 · 04/07/2022 08:33

Numerous hotel stays doesn't sound normal at all. Honestly I'd go and see a solicitor and see what your options are. I'd rather be divorced and living together than married to an arsehole. At least you can tell everyone the situation, and stop doing his clothes and meals etc.

SarahKennedy · 04/07/2022 08:35

knittingaddict · 04/07/2022 05:00

Generally the court will allocate the house to the primary parent. Until the youngest child is 18 OR out of full time studies.

Belle that is incredibly out of date advice. Please don't give the op false hope.

Agreed - this is really, really bad advice!

OP, I'm so sorry about your situation (I think I remember you posting about this before).

I don't think it matters in the slightest whether there's another woman involved - whether there is or there isn't, it changes nothing about the sad fact that this man no longer wants to be married but is just bobbing along waiting for you to take action.

You did ask what you can do to move forward. You're right that you can't "kick him out". However, you can see a solicitor to get actual, concrete information about what you would be entitled in your specific situation to if you divorce (rather than generic information on MN or Google). Once you have that information, you can decide whether or not to file for divorce. I'm afraid your husband is not going to take any action as life is perfectly comfortable for him now, so it's going to be up to you. It's hard and horrible, especially when you still love him, but you have to make the break.

nothingfound · 04/07/2022 08:36

You're worth more than this Op, take care of yourself. Ignore any legal advice on here about splitting assets etc, just go to a solicitor, get advice from an expert.
Without him knowing take the time when he's out of the house to make copies that evidence his earnings, pensions, money in accounts. Anything that evidences his assets.

SarahKennedy · 04/07/2022 08:38

Also I wish people would stop telling the OP to check his phone. What would that achieve? It won't make any difference to any potential divorce settlement. The only thing it could cause is even more unhappiness.

ElbowGreaseLightning · 04/07/2022 08:41

Sorry to say that you can’t save the marriage, so now you need to save yourself and your DC.

That means being as callous and cold to him as he has been to you. You MUST now take steps to ring fence and defend as much money for yourself as possible. See a solicitor, go on Wikidivorce, speak to the CAB, get UC to top up your income. Seek advice about the fact that the house was yours and what you put into it before he was added. Get paper work together. Do nothing for him.

I also guarantee that once he sees your strength he’ll shit himself.

Cassie901 · 04/07/2022 08:42

He sounds cruel OP. Breaking up with you but staying anyway and dodgy hotel stays. I understand by law he doesn't HAVE to leave but if that was me he would 100% be leaving and I'd chuck him out by his ear!!! I couldn't give a fuck.. his shit would be dumped in the front garden. Who does he think he is?! Using your family home as lodgings while he shags about? FUCK THAT. Do whatever it takes to get him out OP. Cheeky bastard

Cassie901 · 04/07/2022 08:45

Oh and if he's got money issues how can he afford hotel stays!!!? Next time he stays in a hotel change the locks and dump his shit in the garden. Or tell him to fuck off now. I would lose my shit over this.

SarahKennedy · 04/07/2022 08:46

Cassie901 · 04/07/2022 08:42

This is just appalling advice. If you really do understand that by law he doesn't have to leave, why are you suggesting that the OP do something illegal? That's a surefire way to escalate a shit situation to a very much worse one. It's completely unhelpful to the OP (unlike @ElbowGreaseLightning 's post, which is very sensible).

AntlerRose · 04/07/2022 08:48

Does your older childs school have a home school link worker. My friend had a lot of support from them in a similar situation.

Cassie901 · 04/07/2022 08:51

@SarahKennedy Oh there's always one know it all on here isn't there staring the pot 😂 I clearly mean well so shuv your opinion where the sun don't shine love.

suggakisses · 04/07/2022 08:54

Kick him out . Wether he leaves of his own accord or you throw him out he will tell everyone you kicked him out . Just do it and start looking after No 1

Crazyhousewife · 04/07/2022 09:12

Sounds like your husband has met someone else and this is why he now wants out of the marriage. He shouldn’t remain in the home if he isn’t helping with the children. Does he contribute to bills and food and childrens expenses. Also can he not stay with a relative whilst you sort out the legal affairs. I would rip the band aid off and be as brutal with him as he has been with you. You say you have been a good wife and don’t see where it went wrong. It went wrong with him. Present him with divorce papers when he comes home and state that you want to either come to an agreement with the house or it goes on the market. Also advise that living together is not working and he needs to make other arrangements. Do not leave the house this is what he wants and this is why he is doing this. I would also ask that he looks after the children and helps with them at some point or use this to go for full custody of the children, if he is not being a father right now.

knittingaddict · 04/07/2022 09:12

Cassie901 · 04/07/2022 08:51

@SarahKennedy Oh there's always one know it all on here isn't there staring the pot 😂 I clearly mean well so shuv your opinion where the sun don't shine love.

SarahKennedy was right though. It is bad advice.

Cassie901 · 04/07/2022 09:13

suggakisses · 04/07/2022 08:54

Kick him out . Wether he leaves of his own accord or you throw him out he will tell everyone you kicked him out . Just do it and start looking after No 1

This ^ 🙌

BobLemon · 04/07/2022 09:20

OP, you’ve had a lot of encouragement to seek out an OW… but why does that matter? He’s told you it’s over, his actions (avoiding you and family life) show that it’s over. It’s over.

The two of you need to talk to find a way to get him to move out. Is it just financial? How well do you know his finances? What needs to happen so he has a deposit and then the running costs of a place to rent? Is he picturing staying in your house till he can buy somewhere? It might feel like you’re doing the thinking for him, but PPs are right that YOU need him gone so you can start moving on and building a new life.

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