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Original poster

Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

446 replies

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:40

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

OP posts:
pedropony76 · 02/07/2022 20:11

If it was exploitation of a minor and he served that long in prison, then he's not just a sex offender, he's a paedophile.

Literally this^ 7 years in prison when sometimes judges barely bat an eyelid at sex offenders? He’s a paedophile whether he’s reoffend or not.

The fact that you’re still talking about this imaginary wedding and ‘oh if we have kids he won’t be around them’ blah blah just shows that this won’t end well. I would have left the relationship as soon as I found out his dad was a sex offender and OH is still in contact with his dad. Bye

AffableApple · 02/07/2022 20:12

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:46

we’ve have already discussed that future kids will not be left alone with his father ever

If you broke up, you'd have no control over this. Just bear in mind.

saraclara · 02/07/2022 20:14

I'm going to focus I the wedding but, since that's what your OP is about.

I'd have a very small ceremony just for family, that his dad can attend. The social/celebratory bit afterwards, for all attendees other than his dad.

It's a horrible situation for your boyfriend, there's no doubt about it. This is something that will follow him around always. But at the same time before this happened he had a normal childhood and a loving bond with his dad. It's far harder to write that off and go NC than some people seem to understand. He's a victim too.

saraclara · 02/07/2022 20:14

Focus ON the wedding BIT, even

FeedMeSantiago · 02/07/2022 20:15

Red flag 1 - your DP's father is a convicted paedophile
Red flag 2 - your DP and his family are still in contact with said convicted paedophile
Red flag 3 - your DP and his family didn't tell you and when they did tell you, they minimised the seriousness of the the convicted paedophile's offences. Before they told you they put you at risk. When they minimised his crimes, they put you at risk.
Red flag 4 - now your DP is an adult he hasn't gone NC.
Red flag 5 - your DP being in contact with relatives who have contact with said convicted paedophile and minimise his offences puts him at risk of being pressured into minimising himself.
Red flag 6 - your DP already wants to invite the convicted paedophile to your wedding. With children.

Your DP says now that any DC you have will not have contact with the convicted paedophile. But that's easy to say, before the DC are born. He will be under pressure from family. As others have said 'meet him one time' 'just one photo' and before you know it, they have contact. You will be vulnerable after the birth, exhausted and may not be up to preventing it. Or worse, you may be ill in hospital and unable to prevent it.

Paedophiles are manipulative. Your presence won't necessarily prevent him offending. Do you trust your DP not to leave them alone with the paedophile? Not to just 'pop to the loo' 'pop to the kitchen to make a cuppa'?

When your children are older, they will see the paedophile as 'grandad' and trust him. How do you prevent them going to visit without you when they're out and about, after school, at weekends?

Let's say the DC don't have contact with the paedophile at all but do have contact with other relatives in contact with the paedophile. They will grow up trusting grandma/auntie/uncle and when they bump into grandma in the park with their friends - they trust grandma so how do you stop them going back to hers to meet the paedophile?

Even if they don't have contact with the paedophile and never do and DP and his other family, by some miracle, don't introduce them to the paedophole - does their behaviour to date suggest you can trust them to make sensible safeguarding choices when looking after your DC? Do you trust them to recognise when someone else's behaviour is questionable?

Let's say you split up. DP is then under even more pressure to let the DC see the paedophile. Your ability to safeguard them is compromised - the threshold to prevent a parent seeing the children or only having supervised contact is very high. Many an abusive father has got unsupervised custody of their child. Once he has unsupervised contact it will be harder to keep the DC away from the paedophile.

Similarly, if, heaven forbid, something happened to you and you were no longer around. Do you trust your grieving DP to resist his family's call for contact?

There is also a separate risk that if you and DP stay together and allow contact, even if DP does it behind your back, that you lose the DC altogether for failing to safeguard them.

Also, people will find out what he did. If you have contact with the paedophile - do you think other parents will let you have their children over to play with your DC? Will you feel safe knowing everyone knows you are in contact with a paedophile?

If your children are abused, will they forgive you for exposing them to risk, knowing that they were in the company of a paedophile? Same question if they're not abused.

I have relatives who were abused as children. They are in their 70s and 80s now. The trauma doesn't go away. One has to live with the knowledge her maternal grandfather raped her at age 9. That when she told her parents, neither believed her.

There are so many risks here. You are so young, so much time to run as far as you can and meet a lovely man to be a father to your children.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 20:16

Can PP please remember she's 21.

OP do you have support IRL? what do your parents think?

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 20:17

FeedMeSantiago · 02/07/2022 20:15

Red flag 1 - your DP's father is a convicted paedophile
Red flag 2 - your DP and his family are still in contact with said convicted paedophile
Red flag 3 - your DP and his family didn't tell you and when they did tell you, they minimised the seriousness of the the convicted paedophile's offences. Before they told you they put you at risk. When they minimised his crimes, they put you at risk.
Red flag 4 - now your DP is an adult he hasn't gone NC.
Red flag 5 - your DP being in contact with relatives who have contact with said convicted paedophile and minimise his offences puts him at risk of being pressured into minimising himself.
Red flag 6 - your DP already wants to invite the convicted paedophile to your wedding. With children.

Your DP says now that any DC you have will not have contact with the convicted paedophile. But that's easy to say, before the DC are born. He will be under pressure from family. As others have said 'meet him one time' 'just one photo' and before you know it, they have contact. You will be vulnerable after the birth, exhausted and may not be up to preventing it. Or worse, you may be ill in hospital and unable to prevent it.

Paedophiles are manipulative. Your presence won't necessarily prevent him offending. Do you trust your DP not to leave them alone with the paedophile? Not to just 'pop to the loo' 'pop to the kitchen to make a cuppa'?

When your children are older, they will see the paedophile as 'grandad' and trust him. How do you prevent them going to visit without you when they're out and about, after school, at weekends?

Let's say the DC don't have contact with the paedophile at all but do have contact with other relatives in contact with the paedophile. They will grow up trusting grandma/auntie/uncle and when they bump into grandma in the park with their friends - they trust grandma so how do you stop them going back to hers to meet the paedophile?

Even if they don't have contact with the paedophile and never do and DP and his other family, by some miracle, don't introduce them to the paedophole - does their behaviour to date suggest you can trust them to make sensible safeguarding choices when looking after your DC? Do you trust them to recognise when someone else's behaviour is questionable?

Let's say you split up. DP is then under even more pressure to let the DC see the paedophile. Your ability to safeguard them is compromised - the threshold to prevent a parent seeing the children or only having supervised contact is very high. Many an abusive father has got unsupervised custody of their child. Once he has unsupervised contact it will be harder to keep the DC away from the paedophile.

Similarly, if, heaven forbid, something happened to you and you were no longer around. Do you trust your grieving DP to resist his family's call for contact?

There is also a separate risk that if you and DP stay together and allow contact, even if DP does it behind your back, that you lose the DC altogether for failing to safeguard them.

Also, people will find out what he did. If you have contact with the paedophile - do you think other parents will let you have their children over to play with your DC? Will you feel safe knowing everyone knows you are in contact with a paedophile?

If your children are abused, will they forgive you for exposing them to risk, knowing that they were in the company of a paedophile? Same question if they're not abused.

I have relatives who were abused as children. They are in their 70s and 80s now. The trauma doesn't go away. One has to live with the knowledge her maternal grandfather raped her at age 9. That when she told her parents, neither believed her.

There are so many risks here. You are so young, so much time to run as far as you can and meet a lovely man to be a father to your children.

Please read this, OP.

Ourlady · 02/07/2022 20:18

All I can say is I would be utterly devastated if you were my daughter.
You hope your children will settle down with a partner than they can trust wholeheartedly, who has the same morals as you and hopefully has a family you can trust. You have none of those things and I would be forever worried about you and any future children. As for the wedding. Your boyfriend is being totally naive and unreasonable if he thinks that anyone will want to be in the same room with a monster like that.

restedbutexhausted · 02/07/2022 20:18

I'm sorry to say it but, given what you have said about him and his family, I wouldn't be surprised if he has the same inclinations as his father.

You really, really need to leave this relationship.

I know what it's like to be young and in love. But if you leave this relationship, ten years down the line you will look back and wonder what on Earth you were thinking, and be so so glad to have had such a lucky escape.

I am in my early 30s now and I look back in utter confusion and sometimes disgust at the people I thought myself in love with once.

Wishing you all the best Flowers

superplumb · 02/07/2022 20:21

I'd run a mile and not get involved with any of them. Not your partners fault but he does seem to be minimising it a bit which would worry me. If you want kids one day then what...nah too much drama. You're very young. My advice is cut losses and move on

Mellowyellow222 · 02/07/2022 20:24

saraclara · 02/07/2022 20:14

I'm going to focus I the wedding but, since that's what your OP is about.

I'd have a very small ceremony just for family, that his dad can attend. The social/celebratory bit afterwards, for all attendees other than his dad.

It's a horrible situation for your boyfriend, there's no doubt about it. This is something that will follow him around always. But at the same time before this happened he had a normal childhood and a loving bond with his dad. It's far harder to write that off and go NC than some people seem to understand. He's a victim too.

really? Have this man at your wedding? Accept him as part of your family?

do you really think the boyfriend had a normal childhood? Raised to believe his fathers crimes were normal?

yes the boyfriend is a victim - perhaps of more than any of us understand. BUT there can be no forgiveness or tolerance for this type of criminal.

the boyfriend is minimising the crimes - happy to put children at risk. Is either in denial or doesn’t really care.

no way would I tolerate being in this man’s company

saraclara · 02/07/2022 20:25

given what you have said about him and his family, I wouldn't be surprised if he has the same inclinations as his father.

You have absolutely no reason to think that, and it's an appalling thing to think of someone who has simply had the dreadful bad luck to have a father who committed such an offence.

FabFitFifties · 02/07/2022 20:25

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:51

i guess i would have to fight for full custody or for visitation with supervision. that’s if we were to break up

It doesn't work like that OP. You are being very naive. DP wouldn't be made to give up custody or have supervised contact - he is not the offender. He would be trusted to keep the children safe - until he was caught doing otherwise. This is not a chance to take. I would not want contact at all with this man or any other member of the family who continue to support him, most of all DP.

maddy68 · 02/07/2022 20:26

Those saying the run a mile wtf??? Her boyfriend is not responsible for anything his father did!

I think he should be allowed to go to the wedding. No matter what he has done its your partner's dad BUT. I think he should be invited to the ceremony and the meal. Only not the night do. People need to be able to relax he will be contained on a top table can't do any harm

saraclara · 02/07/2022 20:27

Her boyfriend is not responsible for anything his father did!

Exactly

Cocowatermelon · 02/07/2022 20:27

You’re right OP. You’re incompatible. Don’t stick around to find out just how incompatible you are once you have children. It will be so hard and you will not have as much control over the situation as you currently imagine.
It’s not your bf’s fault. He is not the criminal here and you should ignore all the horrible things pp say about him probably also being a paedophile or somehow being guilty by association. He doesn’t deserve to have his relationships fail because of what he dad did, but unfortunately it’s going to happen and I really recommend you don’t stay with him just because you’re worried about tarring him with the same brush as his father. The thing is, the people who are saying that he is minimizing are right. Not because he sympathizes with his dad, but because he simply can’t get his head around the fact his dad who he loves was capable of something so cruel. (8 years in jail really does mean it was incredibly cruel and damaging, many child sexual abuse sentences are far shorter or don’t even meet the threshold for jail time). You’re now starting to see cracks in your bf’s logic and situations where your bf’s ability to safeguard children is already failing because of his love and loyalty to his father. The is creating tension in your relationship with your bf. That tension will only get worse, and if you have a child it may well become unbearable but you may not feel able to leave because your bf would almost definitely get unsupervised contact and you would lose all control.
You’re 21. Start again with someone less complicated.

RealBecca · 02/07/2022 20:28

Everything else aside, why at 21 are you giving up on your chance for the best family unit for your future kids?

Yes, you can marry this man and bet case scenario keep them away from a paedophile through constant vigilance. What you cant do is give them a grandad. They cant have sleepovers at grandad, days out, babysitting. Think of how much you valued your relationship with your grandparents. Why rule that out so young?

Enjoy your relationship for now if you want to. But why get married so young? Do it in 5 years if you're really sure. So much change when you are over 30.

ChickenBurgers · 02/07/2022 20:29

If your boyfriend can’t see the issue in his dad being there when there’s kids run and never look back. Imagine you have kids of your own one day, I can guarantee he will want his dad to be “grandad”. Would you want your kids around that? I hope not.

Run and don’t look back lovely.

restedbutexhausted · 02/07/2022 20:30

maddy68 · 02/07/2022 20:26

Those saying the run a mile wtf??? Her boyfriend is not responsible for anything his father did!

I think he should be allowed to go to the wedding. No matter what he has done its your partner's dad BUT. I think he should be invited to the ceremony and the meal. Only not the night do. People need to be able to relax he will be contained on a top table can't do any harm

No he's not responsible but it's entirely possible he's been groomed by his father/family and could well follow the same path. Of course it's not his fault at all but OP really needs to leave this relationship.

IMO paedophiles should be ostracised from society. There is no reform or rehabilitation for them. They just cannot be trusted and should never be anywhere near children.

beastlyslumber · 02/07/2022 20:30

I think you've had some wise advice on this thread, OP. It's probably all a bit overwhelming. I just wanted to add that I'm so sorry you're going through this. You obviously love your boyfriend and have planned a future with him, but it can't happen as long as he is still in contact with his family. He's probably very traumatised himself and may take years to heal from that - but he'll never heal at all if he stays in touch with his family, and you can't bring children into that situation. It's hard, but I agree with others that you need to walk away from this relationship Flowers

saraclara · 02/07/2022 20:31

OP, how old was the person that the father abused? Are we talking 15, or 5, for instance? Was it a 'real life physical offence or online?

(For the benefit of any responders, I'm not at all excusing sex with a teenaged minor, or online offences - of course not. But as regards assessing risk to children at a wedding, I do think it's useful to know the brief nature of the offence)

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 02/07/2022 20:34

Louise0701 · 02/07/2022 16:41

I would run a mile to be honest. Do you want children one day?

I agree I wouldn't marry into this family not a chance

Crazylady333 · 02/07/2022 20:36

Hi…would not get any deeper in this relationship…. It sounds as though it is based on lies and his family have completely minimised his offending…this is a big fat red flag for me. Imagine when you have your own children will your boyfriend understand the importance of them not having any unsupervised contact with him? I feel his reaction to his dads offending is really worrying and I would be really concerned about his ability to safeguard others….

restedbutexhausted · 02/07/2022 20:36

saraclara · 02/07/2022 20:25

given what you have said about him and his family, I wouldn't be surprised if he has the same inclinations as his father.

You have absolutely no reason to think that, and it's an appalling thing to think of someone who has simply had the dreadful bad luck to have a father who committed such an offence.

All you need to do is watch a dozen true crime shows to realise that people who grow up in abusive or sexually abusive households may also grow up to be abusive or sexually abusive people as a result of things they were exposed to in their childhood. Not necessarily but OP says that he grew up thinking this sort of stuff was normal. That's very concerning.

Not trying to attack the DP because it would be through no fault of his own but it is a possibility and OP will need to safeguard her future children.

ToadiesCouzin · 02/07/2022 20:37

I think I'd end the relationship tbh, especially as your BF is still in contact with his father. What if you have kids, can you 100% guarantee they'll never be left alone with your FIL? What if you and your BF split up after having kids, and share custody? How will you protect them then? The fact that your BF thinks that his father should attend the wedding, where there will be children, is a humongous red flag, he obviously doesn't accept the severity of his crimes. I think the only way I'd continue a relationship with him, is if he'd cut his father out of his life completely, if he was disgusted with him and wanted nothing more to do with him. If he's still in contact, there's always the possibility your future children will be at risk.