Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

Ok, I appreciate that life is seldom black and white but in your place, I would only entertain a relationship, marriage and eventually children if your partner went completely no contact with his father. I also would only have a relationship and allow your future MIL around any children if she too completely distances herself and left that man. Ditto for any other family on his side.

what About when he goes to the toilet? Will they be cleared of children? Will there be someone to check he doesn’t go for a walk on his own - kids love running around hotel corridors. Will all guests be told the father of the groom is potentially dangerous so make sure all children are supervised?

will he be allowed a camera?

But as regards assessing risk to children at a wedding, I do think it's useful to know the brief nature of the offence

I don't think it's right for OP to risk-assess on behalf of everyone at a wedding. The fact is that for any child abuser there is a risk that they will abuse children and they shouldn't be given the opportunity. It doesn't matter what he was convicted for - he can use a wedding as an opportunity to photograph and groom children, and groom their parents too.

The presumption with paedophiles should be that they will re-offend given the opportunity, and so things such as no contact and no wedding invite, should you continue with the relationship.

I don't believe in the death penalty. I expect one offence that would be top of many people's list were it ever to be reintroduced would be to hang paedophiles.

I honestly feel you are storing up a ton of trouble for yourself. I'd run a mile. You are really young, lots of time to find a really nice guy without these sorts of issues your entire life.

I think he should be allowed to go to the wedding. No matter what he has done its your partner's dad

Would you honestly say this if he was a serial rapist who had done time for that? You seem to not understand how serious his crimes must have been to get that sentence.

He's almost certainly raped children, and has at best seriously sexually assaulted multiple children, to get that sentence.

His children's partners should not be emotionally blackmailed by a 'no matter what he has done, he's your partners dad'.

Surely there's a line you draw for what someone has to do for you to not want them at your wedding?

He's sexually assaulted / raped children to get that sentence.

You seem to think that you can call all the shots.

The wedding discussion is proving that you're wrong.

If you were my daughter I wouldn't be able to support your wedding, however nice your b/f is

I didn't like the wording, but she's not far off. I don't think its a stretch to imagine this boy was abused and abusers often abuse. Apart from anything else, he doesnt seem to understand OP's problem with the father.

haven’t Read all of the thread but:
its not your boyfriends fault his dads a sex offender and it shouldn’t effect the relationship between you two.
its not your job to keep other people’s kids safe, it’s theirs, there could be sex offenders lurking everywhere they don’t wear signs, it’s not your responsibility to tell everyone.
obviously you’ll have to make appropriate plans to keep your children if you have them together safe in the future.

Based on sentencing guidelines, to have served that sentence (which was presumably actually a 14ish year sentence he served half of inside) he will almost undoubtedly have been found guilty of committing offences physically.

And statistically it's vanishingly unlikely he was charged with all the offences he committed, due to the pressures the system faces and thresholds required of evidence, burden of proof etc.

But if OP knows there will be a sex offender at her own wedding, it really, really is her responsibility to safeguard any children in attendance.

Are you for real?!?!

Don't offenders normally serve half their time? So his original sentence might have been 14 years?

Either way, his crimes are very serious against children, and I wouldn't want to be a part of his family, or have children.

You have the rest of your life ahead of you, and choosing your life partner and partner to your children is a big deal. Some of us make mistakes, and we pick the wrong partner. You have an opportunity to see the potential issues in this relationship and a chance to get out now.

Good luck with your decision

Sorry, it's not OP's responsibility to tell her friends and family they would be bringing their children into the same room as a child rapist / child abuser who has served prison time that indicates he has offended prolifically and at the most serious (for want of a better word as any offence is serious) end of the child sex abuse spectrum?!

And not just any room but one that happens to be at a function where people are relaxed, mingling, chatting etc?

Jesus Christ. Of course it is her responsibility to her own loved ones to warn them so they can make a decision about whether or not to attend / bring their children.

Awful to suggest she keep quiet.

You know who thrives in secrecy? Rapists and child abusers.

Seriously?!

It absolutely is the OPs responsibility to tell people that she is chosing to invite a known sex offender to her wedding FFS.

Not rtft but it's always minimised to blame the other party or it's a misunderstanding. I thought paedophiles weren't allowed near children full stop or are they allowed if supervised?. I know this sex offender rule of not allowed near minors can be applied to rapists of non minors as well.

I used to know a woman whose partner was convicted of historical sex offences against a minor, he got 7 years and put onstage sex offenders register indefinitely. Yet she stood by him and waited for him to be released whereupon she had kids with him. Rather worryingly she works with children. I cut all ties but other women believed her when she said it was all a mistake and his conviction was quashed. I contacted the courts and the report was shocking, he certainly did not get pardoned and didn’t appeal the outcome or sentence. These people are deluded and manipulative as is your boyfriend. Move on and don’t look back, you said you’re young with no children, so why would you put any potential children at risk?

Why are you arguing about telling parents of children to rhe wedding? The far more pertinent issues here is that both you and bf don't seem to mind having a convicted paedophile there!!! You are showing a shocking lack of judgement in having this approach to your future FIL. I could never, ever have children with someone in this situation. Even if you try to avoid 121 contact there are so many ways this could be manipulated to cause serious harm to your child. You are both very young and this is the only possible reason/excuse for your apologetic stance towards such a dangerous man. Take the advice offered here and end your relationship with a man who cannot be trusted to make good decisions about how to relate to a paedophile. Best case scenario this will overshadow your wedding and future life as you will never know the risk he is causing and your other relationships will be damaged. Worst case scenario your future children will be abused and you will know that you knowingly put them into that vulnerable position.

*put on the not put onstage

My Grandad (Mum's side) was a child molester, my Mum was promised that he would never be left alone with any of her kids, we were by multiple family members - well me in particular, the boys weren't. I don't want to go into what happened but stuff did happen.

My Mum's side of the family never truly believed what he had done was that bad and that's really dangerous. They kind of dismissed it like your boyfriend is and his family are.

You seriously have to think whether you do want to spend the rest of your life with this man let alone have children with him. If you split you won't be able to have any control over whether or not his Dad sees the children.

I think you’re being naive when you say he would not be allowed near any children you have. Have you not heard of grooming? Prolific sex offenders know how to wheedle their way in to access children and your boyfriend is the weak spot as he already doesn’t comprehend the seriousness of his dads crimes How do you know he hasn’t reoffended or isn’t grooming some child now. He’s not going to shout it from the rooftops. How do you think he will react when he knows you are going to tell all the wedding guests he’s a sex offender. There are red flags all over this. I would end this relationship now because this will become toxic between you and BF

🚩🚩🚩

His father has to take responsibility for his actions and that means not attending an event with children even if it is a family wedding. You need to consider how this will pan out if you have children, because it sounds like your DP will want his father involved even though it’s a massive safeguarding issue and will put children at risk. I think you are very sensible to consider you may be incompatible given how much your DP is minimising his fathers actions.

@BiFoldChampion As a fellow survivor, I understand and know. Please accept internet hugs from a stranger.

@graceelli I don’t want to pile on you but I really think that there are some things that you haven’t considered.

1. You were 16 when you started dating your BF. Was that thing around, or still in prison? If it was around, and had contact with you, being 16 at the time, it may well have broken the law, if part of it’s release or even it’s sentence (which is more likely) set out that it wasn’t allowed contact with minors.
2. If your BF lived with it, again this might have been against the law. I find it hard to believe that Children’s Social Services were happy for a convicted paedophile to live in a house where there were minor children.
3. How long after you started dating, were you told? And were your parents told immediately so that they could weigh up the risks to you?
4. If #2 did happen, this shows you quite clearly that your BF’s whole family have decided to turn a blind eye to what that thing has done. Studies have shown that others who are the same as that thing can be quite charismatic, charming and affable. They have to be because that’s how they get people to trust them. However, that just makes this whole situation even more perilous. That thing has bamboozled everyone in that family from the sounds of it.
5. Would you be comfortable to let that thing hold your child? Be in the same room when you were changing baby’s nappy? When you were breastfeeding? When you were potty training your children? What happens if that thing comes to visit and you need to pop to the kitchen for something or upstairs? Do you ask thing to stand on the doorstep? Do you wake baby up from his nap in his bouncy chair to take you with him?
6. Would you be comfortable being alone with it? Have you ever been left alone with it?
7. If it comes to the wedding, will you tell people before they RSVP? Can you legally out a convicted paedophile? And how many friends will you have left, or relatives happy to speak to you or spend time with you, when those same people realise that you have been interacting with that thing since you were 16!
8. imagine birthdays. Oof. What a mare’s nest those will be! Do you let all the parents of the young children who will be attending, know that there is a chance that their child will come into contact, though not physical, with a convicted paedophile? Because you can say all you like about not wanting that thing around for parties etc., but you cannot make it abide by that. And make no mistake, your children will have few friends once the parents find out that not only do you have one of those things in the family, but that you see it socially.

It’s pretty clear to anyone reading your posts that your BF and his family have been drinking the Kool Aid.

That doesn’t mean you have too as well!

Forget wedding plans, those will come later, sit down with BF and get answers to your questions.

Also, have you googled that thing to find out exactly what it was convicted of?

Why is your boyfriend in touch with his father??

do you really want a relationship with someone who can forgive someone of that?

OP you deserve much much better than this life you're planning for yourself