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Original poster

Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

446 replies

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:40

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

OP posts:
ewright86 · 02/07/2022 19:48

You obviously don’t want to tar your bf with the same brush - his dad was the sex offender not him, so I don’t feel this is a reason to “walk away” but I do find it strange that he doesn’t see the issue of his dad attending your wedding. He clearly doesn’t see an issue with his dad being around children, so surely there wouldn’t be an issue with his dad spending time with your future children…?
I can see why your questioning your compatibility as it seems to be more about morale compass but I suppose if you’ve known from a young age your dad was a sex offender, maybe it has normalised the situation a little for him, hence why he doesn’t see it as a big deal.
His dad will always be his dad. So it’s not just the wedding to consider; he will be at future Christmas’, birthday parties, Easter’s, christenings etc, all of which stand to have other children attending…

ThePoetsWife · 02/07/2022 19:48

TolkiensFallow · 02/07/2022 19:30

Also, if he served 7 years in jail … he was likely sent down for 14 as they generally do half the sentence inside and half on license. And there was probably do much more to it than he was convicted of…

The 14 year sentence would suggest child rope was one of the crimes

Thinkbiglittleone · 02/07/2022 19:48

OP, no one should be saying you are young and stupid, but you are in love and blinded by this love.

You partners father did the most despicable thing that can be done, and then his family protected him. They lie for him and they cover for him.
They will continue to do this. Your partner will continue to do this as he thinks his dad had changed, he won't do it again, it wasn't really that bad etc etc. Your partners father is probably still a master at manipulation. And he will continue to manipulate his family.

Fast forward 5 years, you are married with a baby. You have set rules in no circumstances can grandfather be left alone, cut to your partner and his father manipulating him to , "it's ok it's only 10 mins" or "I'm it's grandfather of course I wouldn't" and your partner will lie to you as they have done before.
As a PP rightly pointed out, cam he see the (potential) baby at all, if so what's allowed? No touching? No photos? No looking at it?

It is a massive problem going forward.

You can't have him at the wedding full stop. What he did was vile and I couldn't have him anywhere near me, and I definitely wouldn't have him anywhere near my friends or family.
Your partner should be non contact with him, i could never forgive that, I'm not sure how your partner and his family have. Red flag.

Redbone · 02/07/2022 19:49

I’m afraid that I too think that you are far too young and naive to even consider marrying this man. He is minimizing his father’s criminal behavior and brainwashing you.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 02/07/2022 19:49

Ah OP you're so naive. Your BF isn't totally minimising it but given your your updates on him if you broke up, in the short term at least, you couldn't guarantee anything re his Dad's lack of access. It's tough when you've done nothing wrong but this is an awful situation from which you're young enough to get away from.

Mally100 · 02/07/2022 19:49

CoastalWave · 02/07/2022 19:46

You're 21?

In this day and age, you're basically still a child. He's a boyfriend. That's it.

Run. Do not marry into this shit.

This! You're a child. Why are you thinking of marriage? Have you lived a bit of life, what is your career / study path? Have you made steps towards financial independence? Please don't make a bad decision. Listen to your parents. They despise his family for a reason.

ComDummings · 02/07/2022 19:50

I would run a mile to be honest. Bringing children into a family where you know there’s a pedo is just awful. Imagine you have children with your boyfriend and you split up. He gets 50/50 contact. You can’t control his father being around them no matter what any court says. You wouldn’t even know.

His family already keep secrets - they allowed you around him when you were a child too. No it’s just so messy.

BiFoldChampion · 02/07/2022 19:50

The more and more I think about it - this minimising from your BF is grooming OP. He’s definitely picked up tactics from his dad. This is just major - you need to literally walk away from this relationship/connection.

Whitehorsegirl · 02/07/2022 19:50

You all seem to be in complete denial and living a fantasy...

This man is a serious offender and this type of behaviour is not something that can be ''cured''. He will be a danger to any minor for the rest of his life.

The fact that your boyfriend minimises his father's behaviour and his family in general has tried to cover it up is all you need to know...

This is not about the wedding. That's the least of your problem....

The only way I would date a man which such a father is if he had cut that pervert out of life entirely!

There could be much more going on in that family that you know of. It could be that your boyfriend was also a victim, or that he is grooming you/gaslighting you into seeing this type of behaviour as ''normal''. God knows what growing up with such a father has done to his psyche? how will that affect his behaviour if he becomes a father?

Frankly there are so many red flags here and the only thing to do is to run far away from these people.

mindutopia · 02/07/2022 19:51

OP, I know you are experiencing a bit of a pile on here. You are asking the right questions and thinking about things, which is so important. I think it’s hard for people who have never been in your shoes to understand how normalised abuse is in families of abusers. You are made to feel crazy for questioning any of it. It can really mess with your self of self and your sense of what other people think about abuse.

That said, what your boyfriend’s dad did must have been very serious. Do you know the charges and who was abused? 7 years is an incredibly long sentence for sexual offences! Usually the actual time served is half the sentence (so he would have been sent away for 14 years).

i have a family member who sexually abused his own daughter (no penetration but inappropriate touching, plied her with drugs and alcohol, child abuse images). He served no prison time as pled guilty. Other family member sexually abused his niece (again touching but not rape). He served 18 months. It’s very rare for anyone to get a sentence like you are describing so I would be very, very concerned about the seriousness of the offences and the risk that the courts considered him at the time.

JamieNorthlife · 02/07/2022 20:00

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:51

i guess i would have to fight for full custody or for visitation with supervision. that’s if we were to break up

Maybe its easier if you think seriously about this now. Instead of predicting a potential separation situation in a couple of years.

No matter how much you love your boyfriend, you need to be objective about the fact that he is defending a paedophile.

Ballcactus · 02/07/2022 20:00

Nope, no, no way. Dump and move on. Sadly to tie families will always put you and any future kids at risk. He hasn’t reoffended yet but I’m yet to come across a paedophile who doesn’t- I work with them regularly.

ticketyboom · 02/07/2022 20:02

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:46

we’ve have already discussed that future kids will not be left alone with his father ever

Is he on the sex offender's register? It might not be you who gets to make the rules.

I'd be running an absolute mile from all of this, as pp said any wedding is the least of your worries.

StoriedSally · 02/07/2022 20:03

Just run, OP, you deserve better.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 20:05

Minimalme · 02/07/2022 18:52

Your bf is telling you it's just the wedding he wants his Dad at?

After the wedding he will 'just' want his Dad to meet the baby. Because you won't live near them, they will stay over for a couple of nights.

Then his parents will offer to babysit. MiL may need to pop out to pick up some milk and not tell you FiL was left alone with your child because she knows you won't like it.

You will feel reassured because nothing bad happened.

Until one day it does and you child's life is forever ruined.

Walk away now while you still have a choice.

Not to mention she will have no friends.

No playdates, no meet ups, no child in her house, ever.

Not only does she need to disclose the grandad, she needs to disclose the fact her boyfriend is an abuse enabler (and sadly a potential abuser himself).

stayingpositiveifpossible · 02/07/2022 20:05

Whitehorsegirl · 02/07/2022 19:50

You all seem to be in complete denial and living a fantasy...

This man is a serious offender and this type of behaviour is not something that can be ''cured''. He will be a danger to any minor for the rest of his life.

The fact that your boyfriend minimises his father's behaviour and his family in general has tried to cover it up is all you need to know...

This is not about the wedding. That's the least of your problem....

The only way I would date a man which such a father is if he had cut that pervert out of life entirely!

There could be much more going on in that family that you know of. It could be that your boyfriend was also a victim, or that he is grooming you/gaslighting you into seeing this type of behaviour as ''normal''. God knows what growing up with such a father has done to his psyche? how will that affect his behaviour if he becomes a father?

Frankly there are so many red flags here and the only thing to do is to run far away from these people.

I agree with this poster and thank them for saying and seeing this so clearly.

It is exactly what abusers and their co-conspirators hope will happen - that people will make excuses/show compassion which in this instance is enitrely inappropriate - and this leads to further abuse of kids and people being unable to protect them.

Unfortunately due to trauma bonding - some of us don't realise this until it is too late.

Mellowyellow222 · 02/07/2022 20:05

your boyfriend is suggesting that a dangerous peadohphile attends a relaxed family event where the children of your friends and family are running about.

think about that.

think about every child who would be at that wedding and what this man could so easily do.

he doesn’t deserve to be living free in society. How dare your boyfriend try and subject children to this man. Create an atmosphere we’re it would be so easy for him to hurt a child.

what are you thinking marrying this man - you would never be able to protect your children because your future husband clearly doesn’t think child rape (and I am pretty sure that is what his dad did) is that big a deal. If he understood the gravity he would be too disgusted to look at his dad - never mind want him at a wedding.

Do not marry into this mess.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 20:05

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:40

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

OP, the fact you are having to think about a wedding and baby and implications.

WHy do you love this man? What do you love about him?

Bjarnum · 02/07/2022 20:06

Is he minimising because he has the same latent urges as his father?

ticketyboom · 02/07/2022 20:06

"Exploitation of a minor" sounds like a whitewash. Surely you've googled his name and know exactly what he's done?

Justgorgeous · 02/07/2022 20:08

I really just can’t get my head round this. No matter about how much I liked someone if their dad was a sex offender you would not see me for dust. End of.

Angrywife · 02/07/2022 20:08

Similar situation happened here.
Friends of ours decided to have a convicted paedophile at a party they were throwing.
We only found out afterwards that he'd been there (big hall, lots of people).
We are no longer friends with any of the group that knew he was going to be there.
They put his desire to attend above the safety of our children and I'll never forgive them for that.
If he does attend, absolutely tell any guests with children so they can decide a) if they come and b) if they take their kids.
Be prepared that a lot may not come because of it

CustardySergeant · 02/07/2022 20:09

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:55

i know he is minimizing. and he’s doing it because part of him is in denial because that’s his dad. he grew up thinking this stuff was normal and he was lied to as well. he is totally supportive with keeping the kids away and going little to no contact with them. it’s just the one thing he wants is his dad to be there at his wedding.

"He grew up thinking this stuff was normal"

So he was aware that his father abused children sexually when he was a child himself. Was your BF a victim of his father? How about his mother? Was she around? Presumably, if she was, she was aware it was happening, since your BF thought it was normal, so couldn't have been sworn to secrecy.
You must surely have asked all these questions yourself.

Pleasehelpme38 · 02/07/2022 20:09

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.
This man is not going to support you in protecting your children/nieces/nephews from his paedophile father when it comes down to it.

Dutchesss · 02/07/2022 20:10

You're 21. Plenty of time to live your life and meet someone decent.