Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

You have said that your boyfriend grew up thinking the behaviour of a paedophile was normal. Doesn’t that worry you? Say No to him coming to your wedding

OP,

Kindly meant but you really don't have a breeze of whats ahead of you.

Your boyfriends family are not people that your family want to be involved with, for good reason.

Your boyfriend lied to you for years.
If I was your parents I wouldn't want him or his duplicitous behaviour near my home.

He deliberately didn't tell you.
He has minimised his fathers crimes.

I wouldn't go near your wedding and I would be appalled if I was your parents.

If you are silly enough to have children with him you will not be able to control your liar boyfriend or his father.

You break up with him, your children will very easily be around him and there is nothing you can do about it.

You are spectacularly naive and you are walking into a shit show of a life of drama.

Your children will have friends whose parents will know their grandfather is a convicted abuser and they will not allow their children anywhere near your home.
I certainly wouldn't.

You can't pretend you don't know these things, they are being spelt out for you.

If you want a life of drama carry on with this relationship.

However if you have an ounce of cop on you will dump and move on.

Your poor parents.
Bringing this drama to their door.
They certainly won't thank you for it.

OP. I’d love to chip in too. So many flags for me. I am much older, with many grey hairs and can see it so clearly.

1. His father is a paedophile. He is unsafe around any child - not just your child.
2. his whole family lied to you about it, over many years
3. they didn’t tell your parents, even though you were v young when you started spending time with them.
4. his family are in denial and won’t stick to the rules. They are already minising/lying.
5. you can’t permanently police him around your child or any child. What about photographs? Hugs and kisses that are a little too enthusiastic? Staring? A hand with a fleeting touch. This is about sex and power.
6. your BF will have been affected growing up in this enironment. Whatever he says, he adores his father and he is his role model.
7. I had a very serious long term relationship with a boy/man whose father had been violent and aggressive as he grew up. Not to him but to the women in his household. My parents liked him but wanted me to run. I wish I had listened. Fortunately nothing bad happened, but I came to realise that he had a lot of buried demons and that his compass of what was normal and right was v different from mine. He said he followed one set of values, which he longed to be. But really, his past cast long shadows that made it very difficult for him. It was the polar opposite to how I grew up.

you sound so thoughtful and very mature for your age. Think long and hard about where you want to be in your life in 10, 20 years. You are focussing on the wedding as it is tightly making you think about what it means to join two families. I wish you sense to listen to your parents (and the good advice on here). Please keep us posted. 🥰

OP, run. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. There are so many people in the world. Don't saddle yourself and any future children with this problem. Bf father may have re-offended and just never been caught. He's a danger for life. You deserve do much better.

He has abused children, people who do this are good liars, manipulative and unrepentant. You can never trust in any contact they may have with a child. It may be harsh for you to realise but he will forever remain a risk to all children in all settings.

Him and his family are almost as bad as the actual sexual offender for minimising. Plus all the I wont allow this to happen that you say means nothing . Unless you were with your kids 24/7 you have no idea if he would allow access. What if you were too I’ll to care for them or broke up with your partner.

OP, you are the same age as one of my children, and you are too young to be thinking about any of this.

What you should be doing at your age is experiencing (and I don't necessarily mean sexually) lots of different people and places, seeing and doing things, and having experiences that will be less readily available when you are 30 and might have a family.

There are a billion men in the world who would be a good fit for you, and whose fathers aren't convicted paedophiles. I know it's hard on your boyfriend to be judged by his father's behaviour (I know that's not what you are doing, but that's how he will feel it), but please don't saddle yourself with these problems when you are so young. Marriage is tricky enough, even when there are no great big red flags; don't make it more difficult than it needs to be.

Go and spread your wings for a bit, then think about settling down with someone who doesn't come with built-in problems.

I think the way you're handling things just now is great and very mature to consider the future. But I think you're very very right that you're just not compatible. Like pp's said, future children if your relationship dissolves would be awful

I don't know how I would feel getting an invite to a wedding along with a notification there would be an ex prisoner attending who has a long child sex offending record. You absolutely SHOULD be telling parents who are coming. But can you just imagine the atmosphere. Even if no parents brought any children because of it, they'd be talking and side eyeing all night. Massive mood killer

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who maintained a relationship with a pedophile. Full stop! Your boyfriend is not a good person.

Do you have contact with his dad?

First of all I think you are incredibly understanding of your partner’s family situation. I mean let’s face it, how horrendous to have a paedophile for a dad. As you can see from the posts already on the thread many people won’t even entertain the notion of social contact with anyone from such a family.

My view is that your partner is also a victim here and needs a lot of professional help to get to a place of being able to keep himself and his future family safe.

He has been raised by a paedophile, he cannot possibly have a clear idea about keeping safe.

I think there is every chance for you both if you commit to therapy with a professional who really knows their stuff regarding abuse. You both need to be on the same page about what constitutes safety with regard to contact with his family and any children or young people in your lives.

Yoir boyfriend cannot just “get” this stuff however well-intentioned he is, he has been conditioned to turn a blind eye to harmful behaviour so he needs to unlearn that.

This is a lot more common than you think. During the first lockdown my neighbours and I became very close and two confided that their fathers were paedophiles, and a third had a in-law who had been convicted of sec crimes. These neighbours are good people trying their best and have long felt isolated by the shame of their upbringing.

Good luck to you both.

This is how my friend's daughter was abused aged 11.

Family court insisting that father had contact. There was no one to protect her.

My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there That says a big fat NO to this relationship.

It's difficult because you love him, but the fact is that relationships change. You have no guarantee that he won't someday decide that it's important to him for his child(ren) to have a relationship with his parents. If it's this important to him that his father be at his wedding, can you honestly believe that it won't be important to him that his child spend time with his parents?

If you have children and split (again, no guarantees in life), you can't count on gaining full custody, and you'll have even less control over how/when they see this man.

As difficult as it is, now is the time to think about the hard questions. There are much bigger potential problems than the wedding. That's just one day. We're talking about the rest of your life!

The most alarming point about your thread is that your BoyF grew up thinking this 'stuff' was normal.

The trouble is It was imprinted on him from a young age.

The wedding is a taste of things to come because you will very likely have far more serious problems and obstacles on your hands.

With the greatest respect, you are very young and naive.

Run for the hills. The fact that he and his family weren't upfront with you is a huge red flag! And trying to make allowances for his behaviour is unacceptable. My grandad abused my mum and her sisters but I was still allowed to be around him and my grandmother all the time. I was told not to ever sit in the front seat of the car with him and I used to stay over at their house frequently where I was given hot whiskey/ port to help me sleep...as a kid!!! I was furious when I found out the truth years later and felt so angry at my parents for being allowed to be around him. I don't think your bf is taking his dad's behaviour seriously. I would break up now before there's more heartache down the line. Your parents don't like his family and they weren't honest with you and he wasn't either so I would take the opportunity to cut ties now before it's too late. You are young and will find somebody more suitable.XXX

Fucking run.

My FIL is a convicted paedophile. Different situation to yours as it all came out in later life, dh and I had already been together for a long time and pil had occasionally babysat our dc unsupervised (dc hadn't been affected).

FIL was abusing a family member. We were dumbfounded when it came out. We couldn't fathom how it could have happened because he was never alone with the dgc. It turns out he'd been cornering this family member in the house at large family gatherings with about 10 other people all around. He'd found a way. That's what paedophiles do.

It's not your bf's fault that his Dad's an offender, it's very difficult to come to terms with. However, he needs to understand the seriousness of it and the scope of changes you would need to make to keep any future dc safe. That means them not seeing him. Ever. Your bf can see him alone if he wants to but you stay at home with the dc. If other family members want to see you, they come to you. If they have a problem with that - fuck 'em.

I think you're being a bit naive. A paedophile can absolutely abuse a child in a room full of people. Allowing him to have a relationship at all with your children teaches them to trust him. Honestly I'd run a mile. Think about things like yours and your kids birthday parties, chirstmas etc. You will have to send a notice out to everyone you ever invite to be anywhere near him "beware, paedophile lose, don't let your kids out your sight."

Also, if he served 7 years in jail … he was likely sent down for 14 as they generally do half the sentence inside and half on license. And there was probably do much more to it than he was convicted of…

You are 21. You have plenty of time to find someone who is not a paedophile enabler. Leave him and his disgusting family, he will bring you nothing but heartache.

This

"he grew up thinking this stuff was normal"
What stuff exactly did he grow up with thinking was normal?

🚩''He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.''🚩

Its time to stop minimising the red flags. You boyfriend and his family are not good people.

Why is your boyfriend still having a relationship with a sex offender?thats a huge red flag for me and a big massive no. Ditch him now and move on with your life. Imagine if you had children and your fil has access to them....nahhh it's a no from me.

You're 21?

In this day and age, you're basically still a child. He's a boyfriend. That's it.

Run. Do not marry into this shit.