Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

Better*
No idea where beeltter came from!

Sorry but I would be running away as fast as my legs would carry me.

Full nope. The boyfriend, the wedding everything. You’re young, plenty more fish.

@beautyisthefaceisee Perhaps it will, or perhaps it won’t but at least she will (hopefully) understand the gravity of what she is considering doing. Because marriage is a serious step before you have to start thinking about where to hide the paedophile at Christmas!

Very bad advice. Relying on a damaged 21 year old who either doesn’t understand or or okay with the enormity of child sex abuse to grow up in time for a wedding.

it is sad that this young man has been raised by a sex offender and in and environment which has excused and minimised those crimes. But he won’t grow out of this.

a quick research on generational abuse will show you this. I am not saying this young man is an abuser himself (although sadly there is a greater chance that he will be). What I am saying is that he might never truly understand what his dad did or sympathise with his dads victims.

he has been taught this happens in families. He thinks it’s normal. He won’t be emotionally able to protect other children because he can’t see the danger:

Nope. Nope. Nope.
I wouldn’t not be marrying and planning to have children with a man who still includes his child molester father in his life.
You say he’ll never be left alone with your hypothetical child but it sounds like your partner’s whole family minimise his abuse. They will end up letting him be alone with the child because having that awkward conversation with him to explain why he cannot be alone with his own grand child over and over will be too hard. It’s much easier to let a child suffer than to confront an adult or put yourself out in any way.
I know. I was that child.
Run. You’re young enough to start again with someone who doesn’t want to maintain a relationship with a child molester.

I agree with you.

There is no way I would attend a wedding with my children if I knew that a convicted sex offender would be present. If I hadn’t been told and found out later I would never speak to you again. I’m sorry, but you are being naive if you think he needs supervision. He should not be anywhere near children.
You are storing up serious problems for the future if you marry into this family. Please break this off now and move on.

Your boyfriend has actively maintained and constructed a narrative that minimises his father predatory and vile abuse of children. Your boyfriend familial network has constructed an explanation and sanitisation of sexual abuse. To the extent that the dad remain integrated in family and integral to your boyfriend

The father predatory and vile urges will always remain
He will seek opportunities
you cannot chaperone an adult man at a wedding
you cannot monitor the fathers behaviour
If you have your own children will always be at risk from their granddad

honestly, I’d call time on this dysfunctional relationship. Your boyfriend man be a nice chap overall but he’s dangerously deluded regard his own dad crimes and impervious to the risks/dangers

Finally, seven years is a long sentence, given it was probably 14. The crimes will be very serious.

I think you are too young to be thinking about marriage OP.

And when you do think about it, make it with someone who doesn’t make excuses for his sex offender Dad. He is also young which is some excuse. But take this down a notch, forget about marriage for a while.

It isn't your decision whether to put the children in that situation. It is the children's parents. This can't be hushed up for various reasons.

Contact local police via 101 as he should have an offender manager to monitor him

Even if he doesn't (unlikely) advise he will be attending a wedding with a lot of children

The parents of all the children have to be informed of all the offences in detail as part of safeguarding and then it is up to them to decide if they want to attend the wedding. Nobody else, not OP, not fiance, can decide whether those children are safe around him. The parents need full disclosure in order to make that decision.

And to be honest that would be a really crappy use of social workers time and resources. Chances are offender manager will firmly have a word.

Given the seriousness of his offence he likely has a Sexual Harm Prevention Order, means he probably has to inform his offender manager he will be having contact with children.

If he hasn't done this he can potentially be in a lot of hassle. If he attends without informing them and they are then informed he could potentially be sent to prison.

Given that all parents at the wedding would need to be given ALL the details of the offences (not the sanitised version from family but the actual offences and ages etc) and may en masses choose not to risk it and not attend, (not to mention it all being out in the open) I would advise he isn't to attend, otherwise it might just be the three of you at the wedding.

I wouldn't marry someone who thought it was acceptable for a paedo to be around children and hide that information from their parents. You're very naive to think you could protect your non existent children with a Dad who doesn't take it seriously at all.

Honestly @graceelli? There are more red flags in your relationship with your BF than in a Communist Party parade.

Please take care of yourself and don’t do anything that you’re not comfortable with!

Also OP. It isn’t reasonable for your boyfriends father to have any contact with his grandchildren, ever. Not being left alone with them is mikes away from good enough. He should never see them. There should be no opportunity for any bond or relationship to form. As a parent your job is to protect your children not appease Granddad Pedo and his family of excuse makers

I’m sorry to say this but I’d be high tailing it out of that situation. Red flags all around. You cannot minimise this.

I think you might need to investigate why you are willing to link yourself to a man who has a father with this background. Do that on Monday, after you've ended your association with the family.

Your better judgement seems to be hiding somewhere in wedding and baby cuckoo land.

Your boyfriend has willingly covered for a sexual predator

The alarm bells are ringing load and clear, and you choose to put in earplugs.

smh

Your reaction is normal!!

And here he is trying to cast you in the role of ''over reacting''.

I would run for the hills. You're only 21.

Have fun, trust in your own interpretation of events. Stand firmly there.

xx

@graceelli i think you know, this is why you came here to ask. Don’t let your BF or his father’s family minimise the severity of his crimes. I really hope you find your way out of this.

No. No. And No.

If you were my daughter I wouldn’t be paying for your wedding.
If your boyfriend can’t respect yours and your families wishes then he’s going to have to dig deep into his own pockets to pay for HIS wedding.
it would be a deal breaker for me I’m afraid.

When I found our my dad was visiting his sex offender friend in prison I went very very low contact just because I couldn't actually wrap my head around his blasé attitude towards what his friend had done especially after he told me it "wasn't that bad" what he did. It involved minors and I have a young child. So you wouldn't be unreasonable to warn people with kids who were going to the wedding, but your BF needs to understand now the seriousness of the problems his fathers offenses will have on both of your lives.

He says this now he will change his mind later I can practically guarantee it because thats all he knows minimisation and protect his dad for all you know he could have been the bait for his victims my friends husband was a sex offender (before we knew) he would offer to have children for play dates with his daughter unfortunately his wife wouldn't be home as she worked after school but he did all the after school childcare and the children loved him his daughter thought it was normal and thanks to some strategic house moves school changes and special needs (daughter and mum) it wasn't discovered for years even then he only got a 2 years suspended sentence

7 years is a big deal

I would not let him attend the wedding, that's even if I decided to stay with the son. X

Your focus on a wedding several years off is concerning. You sound a bit young. Is this the 1st BF? Are you making plans for your own growth and education? Your relationship with BF? If so, you yourself can see that, as good a your BF may be in other departments, he has serious issues related to his family.

Chicken vs beef is compatibility. This is a serious issue that will impact You, Your children, and Your family, ie parents. Your family is understandably concerned.

If you need more info about your BF, go to Couples Counseling. See how that works out.

Your future is important ! do not find yourself 10 years from now married with a bunch of kids, estranged family, and Pedophile father in law.