Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

@NoCleverNickname thank you and your post is brilliant.

Honestly, you're enabling it and it seems you wouldn't or at least couldn't keep any future children safe.

Its not just about the fact he would be near kids. Why on earth would you want him anywhere near you! Let alone kids you know. You realise that IF he HOPEFULLY doesn't assault any kids he would likely be thinking sick vile things about little girls in their dresses and small boys running around. The fact you're willing for him to think about your friends and families kids, is sick and if I knew for one minute you were planning of having a paedophile near my kids I'd cut you off. The fact you're even thinking about it is sick.

You are young and very hopeful and think you can control this. It's really not possible. People will forget or keep minimizing the behavior. If you have children, your FIL will have LOTS of access to your DC, particularly if you get divorced. You will have no way of protecting your DC and will regret your choices. The only answer is 1) never have children or 2) leave this BF now. You will find yourself back here asking for advice how to keep him away from your DC and you will feel completely stuck; you won't want to divorce because then the DC will go with their father to the FIL's and you will not be able to control what happens if you aren't there. Don't do it.

Your BF believes what his dad did was not serious (paraphrasing you here) so if you have children, it makes sense that those children should end up hanging out with the convicted abuser, because your BF sees him as innocent. He will continue to hang out with his father, if he goes to visit his dad and your (potential & unborn metaphorical) children are with him, they too will visit the aggressor. If he goes to the loo, the aggressor will be with the children, because he trusts dad, so he won't take them with him, if he's going to poo and read a magazine while he poos... Does this make sense?! You can't control what your BF does, he's an adult. If you separate and he gets shared custody, he'll be free to do whatever the heck he wants and if you try to stop him, he'll be able to argue you often visited the dad's house, so you weren't worried then, so you're trying to be a b*tch and you can't be trusted.
If your BF saw his dad's situation for what it is, maybe I'd think differently, but the fact he thinks dad's innocent, when you disagree, that isn't just a major red flag, that's the Berlin Wall in your relationship.

Another thought OP if you enable your BF father and your BF potentially. If there is any contact it is very likely from the start social services will be involved in your children’s lives.

is this the life you want for your kids. If SS find your kids have been in contact with a convicted peadophile then that’s it - then you’re in all sorts of mess. I don’t know at what point Children are removed.

just leave him dear @graceelli just. I can’t believe your BF is entertaining any sort of relationship with his father. I mean come on , he abused children ffs!!!

It would be an absolute hard no for me. I can't believe you have to justify this to your boyfriend either. Who on earth wants to be affiliated with a sex offender?

This post is only going to put OP off.

His actions are the best indicator of what he will want in the future, not what he tells you.

Right now, the biggest milestone coming up in his life is his wedding, and he wants his dad there.

But once the wedding is done and dusted, the next biggest thing will be the birth of his first child.

The goal posts will keep changing as your boyfriend has an emotional reaction to life events as they come up. Knowing he wants his dad at the wedding should tell you without ANY DOUBT that he is not going to be capable to maintain a distance further down the line.

I do feel very bad for your boyfriend, it's not his fault and I hope you can convince him that his dad can not come to the wedding. If not, I would run a mile, sorry.

I am so sorry if this has been said, I haven’t read any of the replies.
Firstly, it might be worth touching base with Probation for some advice. I suspect he is still on licence? It may also be a condition that he can it be around children which may mean attending the wedding against the law for him. Even in a few years time.

Op, you are say you will not allow and will move away however, life can be so unexpected.
you may not always be around to care for your children.
Who do you think will help raise them?
your parents won’t have a say in it- even if they go to court and try to fight for custody using your father in laws sex offending past- ultimately, your partner will have parental responsibility and will no doubt allow contact.
think about that.

OP, your BF has his head in the sand about his dad, but that won't be the case for SS. If you get the wrong neighbours and they decide to call the SS purely because they don't like you, you could be in a serious situation because you would have to prove your kids aren't in danger and you would never be able to do that if the abuser's in your lives, if you've ever been in the same room as him with your children, you will be in trouble because you know he's guilty.
Get out while you can, you're young, you can get past this. Get out and don't look back, the risk isn't worth it. The fact you're here, asking a bunch of strangers tells me you're not sure and if there's any doubt in your mind, play safe, get out. Do it now while there are no kids.

I don’t wish to put @graceelli off of anything. I just want her to properly consider what she is planning to do and how drastically her life will change!

Currently, she seems to think that she can just skip along, telling people left, right and centre that she has a convicted paedophile in her family, one that is a close contact, and people will say “oh diddums @graceelli, that’s really bad. Come in and I’ll put the kettle on. Oh, you’ve got that thing in the car? Well, let it come in! It can watch the kids for us as we have a good natter and catch up”.

The reality will be nothing like that at all. At best, she will be a social pariah. There’s a reason why those things operate in secret. No one in their right mind wants to have anything to do with them or their families.

Understandably.

You're both very naieve. He hasn't grasped the seriousness of his father's conviction and you haven't grasped that his father is always going to be in his life and you have no control over that.

You are 21 years old with no ties to him. Run.

I would be beyond devastated if you were my daughter. People leave relationships for much less with much less at stake.

Your boyfriend is minimising.

My husband and his father haven't seen each other for 4 years nearly, because he said racist things in front of our daughter. I can't even imagine still speaking to a family member I knew was a pedophile, let alone thinking of inviting him to my wedding.

And if I was a guest and I brought my children to your wedding and later found out your FIL was a convicted pedophile, I would never speak to you again.

What? Nothing short of madness!

@graceelli, I completely forgot about the Social Services aspect of things!

Thank you @BiFoldChampion for bringing this up.

You could end up having your children removed from your care because your BF thinks that you can spend 7 years in prison (which makes me wonder how long it was actually sentenced to) for taking a Twix from Safeway’s.

Imagine this: that thing spent 7, SEVEN, years in prison. That thing was hands on abusing children. It makes me sick to think about it! That thing is depraved and disgusting and this is why anywhere that doesn’t have the death penalty, needs it!

I'm sorry that you're a victim <3 and I understand your logic, and I agree, fwiw.

But she's 21, s the references to "it" and "Kool Aid" will just push her out and make her dig her heels in deeper.

Oh the naivety. A normal childhood indeed.

I would bet my houseo n the fact the boyfriend was also abused.

what is Koolaid

I would've run a mile when I found this out.

No no no no no no no no no no no ! A convicted paedophile cannot be at your wedding. Stop and think what he has done to children, stop and think how your partner is minimalising his dads behaviour. Do you really want to be with a man who does this? You aren’t taking this seriously - his dads behaviour is criminal!!!! He can not be at your wedding - he lost that right. Seriously question your partner if he thinks it’s acceptable his dad should attend - this is not right

And if I was a guest and I brought my children to your wedding and later found out your FIL was a convicted pedophile, I would never speak to you again.
This! And I wouldn't want to go to your house either and if I saw you walking down the street with a man old enough to be your FIL or your husband I'd put my head down, cross to the other side and walk in the opposite direction. I wouldn't want to hang out with your DH either, pardon for being so blunt.
A PP used the word pariah and that sums up what I think you'll be because responsible adults will always take the path with the smallest risk for their kids integrity, so they won't take the risk either your FIL or your (potential) DH hang out in the vicinity of their kids.

Koolaid is a drink they have in America.

There was a cult who committed mass suicide because their leader mixed poison in with Koolaid and told them all its beeltter to drink it and die than for the cult to be disbanded (they were under seige by police)

So the term 'drinking the koolaid' refers to people being brainwashed/under the influence of somebody else to an extreme detriment.

Your boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong and you say he's a good person. He shouldn't have to shoulder responsibility for something that was done by his father when your boyfriend was only a small child himself. Has he had counselling to process the enormity of his father's crimes?

If you aren't happy in the relationship now then he isn't for you but if you are otherwise happy I'd focus on the now. He will grow up and change by the time any wedding planning starts.