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Original poster

Escort use before relationship

104 replies

Conflicted82 · 01/07/2022 08:20

Okay, this might be a bit long winded, but I need to get some other peoples opinions as I keep going over things in my head.

I have just had a baby with my partner who I have been with for two years - he is a wonderful, kind, partner and father, but, prior to meeting me used two escorts here in the UK (fully protected and we’ve both had STI tests).

I feel really ick about this, even though I understand what lead him there - to give context - he was sexually abused by a family member as a child, this has obviously caused a lot of trauma and impacted his whole life. Him and his wife spilt up as he was unable to have sex with her, he was depressed after this and he suffers from anxiety, and he’s seen numerous councillers to discuss how to have a healthy sexual relationship with a partner and talk through what happened to him. He’s taken every step since he revealed the abuse to get better. He’s been through such a lot, so to come through the other side to be who he is now is something he has worked hard on.

Which brings me back to the use of the escorts - they were when he was depressed, and his marriage ended - I suspect he needed to be in control (as he never has been because of what happened to him), prove to himself that he could have sex and I know he thought that sex and a relationship were different because of his experience with his wife - he didn’t think you could have both until he met me. He used to hate sex, he’d have to shower before and after, it caused him anxiety, couldn’t orgasm etc.

And obviously, we all have a past, especially when you get to our age as we aren’t young.

Just needed to hear other people’s thoughts on this. I know I need to get over it, but it bothers me, but the alternative is losing a relationship over something that happened in the past. He literally couldn’t do enough for me and our baby.

OP posts:
Longmoorlane · 01/07/2022 08:23

Well, in a sense it’s how you feel about it.

I think most posts here will tell you to leave him but I’m certainly a very different person now to the one I was many years ago. Having said that I wouldn’t really talk about my past with my husband either. How did it come up?

balalake · 01/07/2022 08:24

My first thought was whether it was really only two, or twice. Sorry if that spreads more doubt.

MissNothing1991 · 01/07/2022 08:49

Surely if it gives you the ick, and you'd actually consider leaving him over it, should you not have decided this before having a baby with him, not after?

Staynow · 01/07/2022 08:54

I guess the question is do you trust him? If you don't then you a long miserable road ahead of you.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 01/07/2022 08:58

Everyone has a past and I think context is hugely important.

It was at a bad time in his life, he had issues with relationships and sex at the time, etc.

He seems to have worked on his issues, has been responsible in terms of STI checks etc.

I think how he is now is far more important. How he treats you, how he treats his son?

Do you know what part gives you the ick? Is it the payment? Is it the fact some of these women are trafficked or exploited? What is his view on it now etc?

I wouldn't like it and would have preferred for it not to happen but I think I would be ok with this given the circumstances once I was fairly certain it wouldn't happen again.

Chrysanthemum5 · 01/07/2022 09:09

For me the issue would be he thought it was ok to buy a woman's body. I know he suffered abuse but lots of women who end up in 'sex work' do so as a result of abuse

Pinkbonbon · 01/07/2022 09:18

Whats changed now? I mean, why is this possibly an issue for you now when it wasn't before?

Is he sorry for using those women? Or does he still argue that it was a means to an end for him. Understanding why he may have used them is one thing. But it doesn't excuse it.

Having said that, if he shows remorse and realises what he did was wrong and unacceptable then that's a start.

Just be very aware of how he treats not just you, but other women now. Eg, things like using derogatory words (slut ect) would be qn indication that he doesn't like women or care about their needs. And you're a woman, so the second you fall out of favor, you'd get the same treatment.

Slampunk · 01/07/2022 09:18

In my own experience the deep worry - aside from all the ethical implications - is that you don't really know your partner. If you can't imagine him actually doing this it's really troubling to live with. It takes a lot of internal work.

There's not an easy answer or solution, and it is a problem for you as a couple. That said, it can be tackled. If you are both open to being honest about fears and motivations.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 01/07/2022 09:20

OP, I wouldn’t like his use of prostituted women, but I wouldn’t condemn him. It’s socially acceptable to many people, so he probably didn’t see it as disgusting. He was in a very bad place, in a lot of mental pain. And most importantly, he’s changed.

I know a lot of women will say “No excuses”. But I wouldn’t write anyone off for mistakes they made long ago. Especially someone I love, who has truly changed and turned his life around.

Live in the present, OP. Is there nothing in your life that you’re ashamed of? There is in mine. All the times I failed to help someone who needed help, or made a snarky comment that really hurt someone. Anyone who has no shame probably has no conscience.

Bookworm20 · 01/07/2022 11:13

Its a tough one. if he was in a really dark place, then possible he thought so little of himself so used the escorts because he literally didn't care?

Its slightly disturbing though that hes giving the reason for visiting them as feeling depressed after he broke with his wife as he couldn't have sex, plus the sexual abuse as a child.
I really can't fathom how someone with that history and lack of interest in sex would automatically jump to visiting a sex worker to sort themselves out.

Obviously everyone deals with things differently, but the fact he thought it ok at all to visit an escort, (and more than once), would suggest to me that the 'depression' and 'not being able to have sex' are just excuses.

It really depends on his attitude to it now. Is he upset with himself for being that sort of bloke that used those women's bodies? Or is he upset with himself for being so depressed 'he had to visit an escort'.

For what its worth though, I personally couldn't stay with a partner if I discovered they had used escorts, for whatever reason, and however long ago it was. Thats just a 'mistake' I wouldn't be able to get past.

Maybe ask yourself, could you ever feel so low in yourself/so depressed that it would make you use another person (likely one that had suffered past abuse) in that way purely for the benefit of you.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2022 11:19

So his answer to his own sexual abuse was to pay women to sexually abuse them

That thought process is not one I could ever relate to. You seem to be tying yourself in knots to excuse him. No man is worth that, no matter how well he treats you now. And in the future, if you two have a bad patch ?

Livingwithobsession · 01/07/2022 11:22

I'm not too sure - I knew my ex had been with an escort in the Red-light District on a boys trip a few years previous to me, and we were together for 2 years (I knew from the start) but I looked at him differently that whole time and had "the ick". I don't think I ever seen him 100% the same way I did before I knew. It's up to you OP.

Bunty55 · 01/07/2022 11:25

He and his wife split up because he was unable to have sex with her ??? Yet she married him??

Iamnotamermaid · 01/07/2022 11:37

Context is everything. He had his reasons for using escorts but has taken steps, his own initiative, to understand why he did this and move on.

He struggled to have sex with his ex wife I suspect because of the emotions involved. An escort does not require this, purely physical, which showed him he needed to understand the relationship side of things. His childhood probably has a lot to do with this. He has recognised this and grown as a person.

I would cut him some slack here.

Gotmynewshoes · 01/07/2022 12:12

If you believe it's alright for consent to be purchased, then sure, carry on. But I think you'll probably discover worse along the way. And it'll never be his fault because because because.

StarDolphins · 01/07/2022 12:21

You sound such a great & supportive partner op!

I think as it happened in the past & (crucially) before he got the help he needed, I would try & find a way to get past it if he’s a good partner otherwise, which it sounds like he is.

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 01/07/2022 12:22

OP ... sorry you are in this situation. It sounds tough.

My twopenneth ...

How do you know, or do you fully believe, the story you have been told about his sex life with his ex-wife? Presumably you only have what he has told you, but how do you know it's true? It could just be an excuse.

I also can't fathom someone who was sexually abused, sexually abusing someone else as a way to 'fix' themselves. Something just does t add up here. Someone that is so petrified of sex that he has to shower before/after, can't orgasm etc and lost a marriage over it, could suddenly seek out a sex worker, book, turn up, have sex and pay?

Also, when and how did he tell you? Have you known from the beginning, or has it come out the woodwork recently? If so, why did he tell you now?

Finally, how has yours and his sex life been throughout your relationship? Think back to the first time or few times you had sex .... we're there any issues? How did it go?

There's lots to think about, I don't think this is a straight forward as he's telling you. Sorry xx

Kris02 · 01/07/2022 13:23

If life has taught me one lesson, it’s not to judge people until you understand the context. My ex had seen escorts when he was a teenager, and had his first sexual experience with one. But he was a lonely, bullied kid with mental health problems. He also said the experiences were horrible - a massive turn off and a huge regret. To me, that didn’t seem so bad. He was young and stupid and unhappy. When he matured a bit, he felt ashamed and swore never to do it again, which he never did. Also, I knew him. He had massive faults, but at heart he was a good man.

In that case I found it easy to forgive. I’d also find it easy to forgive your partner. He was in a bad place, and people do stupid things when they’re in pain. There are worse things you can do that visit a sex worker ffs. Meeting a woman online, pretending you want a relationship, using her for sex and then disappearing is worse. Viewing child porn is worse. Grooming an underage girl is worse. Pretending to care about a vulnerable woman (whose partner has left her, or whose mother has died, etc) just so you can get her into bed is worse. Groping or abusing your partner’s teenage daughter is worse. Cheating on your pregnant wife is worse. Offering sex for rent is worse. In fact, in my book, ugly old men who marry young Thai or Russian brides are far worse. They are condemning a young woman to a lifetime of being **ed by an ugly old man they don’t love and wouldn’t be with if it wasn’t for poverty and desperation.

Truth is, most people have done loathsome, shameful things in their life. Visiting a professional sex worker is pretty low down the list.

Iamnotamermaid · 01/07/2022 14:26

Kris02 · 01/07/2022 13:23

If life has taught me one lesson, it’s not to judge people until you understand the context. My ex had seen escorts when he was a teenager, and had his first sexual experience with one. But he was a lonely, bullied kid with mental health problems. He also said the experiences were horrible - a massive turn off and a huge regret. To me, that didn’t seem so bad. He was young and stupid and unhappy. When he matured a bit, he felt ashamed and swore never to do it again, which he never did. Also, I knew him. He had massive faults, but at heart he was a good man.

In that case I found it easy to forgive. I’d also find it easy to forgive your partner. He was in a bad place, and people do stupid things when they’re in pain. There are worse things you can do that visit a sex worker ffs. Meeting a woman online, pretending you want a relationship, using her for sex and then disappearing is worse. Viewing child porn is worse. Grooming an underage girl is worse. Pretending to care about a vulnerable woman (whose partner has left her, or whose mother has died, etc) just so you can get her into bed is worse. Groping or abusing your partner’s teenage daughter is worse. Cheating on your pregnant wife is worse. Offering sex for rent is worse. In fact, in my book, ugly old men who marry young Thai or Russian brides are far worse. They are condemning a young woman to a lifetime of being **ed by an ugly old man they don’t love and wouldn’t be with if it wasn’t for poverty and desperation.

Truth is, most people have done loathsome, shameful things in their life. Visiting a professional sex worker is pretty low down the list.

Totally agree with this. Access to women's bodies are bought in all sorts of ways, not just by escorts. You can see this every week in nightclubs when older men prey on usually young, usually intoxicated, girls desperate for attention and not wanting to go home alone. Just because no money changed hands directly, just a few drinks, does not make this right. Most of these men are predatory, deliberately doing this for sex. This is much worse in my opinion.

Your situation sounds far different OP. I think you need to look at the bigger picture here.

Sandra1984 · 01/07/2022 14:33

Are you happy in this relationship? Is he a good partner? A good father? A good lover? Kind? Considerate?

That's what matters.

shugmapeg · 01/07/2022 14:41

i can see the context and I appreciate it and ultimately you have to make the choice based on what you feel comfortable with. For me I couldn't be with a man who had used prostitutes under any circumstance, in my opinion an individuals trauma does not give them the right to exploit another person and in my view prostitution is exploitation. Trauma may give context and I might have sympathy for that man but it would still be wrong.

I've worked with prostitutes and seen too many women traffiked, abused, raped, exploited and murdered to ever think its ok.

shugmapeg · 01/07/2022 14:46

Gotmynewshoes · 01/07/2022 12:12

If you believe it's alright for consent to be purchased, then sure, carry on. But I think you'll probably discover worse along the way. And it'll never be his fault because because because.

Yep, men always have excuses to do what they want regardless of who they hurt in the process.

SallyWD · 01/07/2022 14:50

In these circumstances I would be able to accept it and move on. There are other circumstances where I'd find it hard to come to terms with.

namechangeanonymous · 01/07/2022 14:50

I don't like it but I can see it as a more medical thing? Instead of getting with a woman, potentially hurting himself and her he made the decision to use an escort to try and resolve his issues. So long as he was careful and chose a respectable agency treating her with respect. On this occasion it wouldn't give me the ick as a ... I just decided to buy it situation would.

wellhelloitsme · 01/07/2022 14:58

Instead of getting with a woman, potentially hurting himself and her he made the decision to use an escort to try and resolve his issues.

Female escorts are women.