Escort use before relationship

[Conflicted82]

Okay, this might be a bit long winded, but I need to get some other peoples opinions as I keep going over things in my head.

I have just had a baby with my partner who I have been with for two years - he is a wonderful, kind, partner and father, but, prior to meeting me used two escorts here in the UK (fully protected and we’ve both had STI tests).

I feel really ick about this, even though I understand what lead him there - to give context - he was sexually abused by a family member as a child, this has obviously caused a lot of trauma and impacted his whole life. Him and his wife spilt up as he was unable to have sex with her, he was depressed after this and he suffers from anxiety, and he’s seen numerous councillers to discuss how to have a healthy sexual relationship with a partner and talk through what happened to him. He’s taken every step since he revealed the abuse to get better. He’s been through such a lot, so to come through the other side to be who he is now is something he has worked hard on.

Which brings me back to the use of the escorts - they were when he was depressed, and his marriage ended - I suspect he needed to be in control (as he never has been because of what happened to him), prove to himself that he could have sex and I know he thought that sex and a relationship were different because of his experience with his wife - he didn’t think you could have both until he met me. He used to hate sex, he’d have to shower before and after, it caused him anxiety, couldn’t orgasm etc.

And obviously, we all have a past, especially when you get to our age as we aren’t young.

Just needed to hear other people’s thoughts on this. I know I need to get over it, but it bothers me, but the alternative is losing a relationship over something that happened in the past. He literally couldn’t do enough for me and our baby.

Have you considered couples counseling?

He told you a long time ago, before you became pregnant, and you chose to start a family with him.

It's not a great move on your part to suddenly change the rules, decide you can't deal with it after all, and leave. In fact, I wonder why it's suddenly become a bigger issue for you - something you could think more about? Did childbirth trigger something in you, for example? Or has he changed since having the baby?

But if it's an issue, it's an issue, and you two need to talk. You can't change the past or his past actions though.

I’m struggling really badly with post natal depression, so I think I’m ruminating on something I dislike from his past (there is plenty he could dislike from mine) and using it to project if I was to really analyze what I’m doing and why I’ve suddenly starting thinking about this again.

Do you think you'll be ok with it once you've not got PND? I can't imagine that your ethical stance will just switch. You've said you minimised your feelings before. It's harder to minimise when you have depression. I think it's just that your real feelings are showing.

I pointed it it most probably wasn’t about the act, and was about the fact he was in control of the process, possibly for the first time in a long time. And it was because it was on his terms he was able to prove to himself he wasn’t ‘broken’ so to speak. As soon as I said this, he started sobbing and said I was right because when he isn’t in control it reminds him of being a little child again. I also explained this is why he didn’t choose a one night stand because of the pressure and expectation

Wow, you’re just feeding him his excuses aren’t you.

I expect his performative sobbing was simply him crying with happiness that he didn’t even have to dream up any further explanation, because you’ve done all the work for him.

He told me he made sure they were independent (although obviously we know there are grey areas) and used protection the whole time.

He didn't make sure. There is no way to make sure. And the women I know in sex work never ever get asked. And in the vanishingly unlikely situation they were asked, they would lie. "Of course baby, I love it".

And I couldn't get over someone working through their trauma by retraumatising someone else. It's pretty classic abuse when men turn it out and women turn it in.

I would never forgive using escorts at any point, it doesn't matter if it was before.. paying to use someones body, probably younger than him, it's just fucking gross.

I know you stated your dh had all of these issues and problems as a child with abuse and the likes but really, you don't have to have had issues to use escorting services, they are used by plenty of normal everyday guys and I don't think it's anything that needs excusing. There are plenty of guys who will lead women on and hurt them when they're in persuit of sex only. Whether it wasn't the right time for him to get into a relationship using escorts is perfectly normal and natural I cant see why any woman woukd be bothered as long as it was prior.

You can't see why a woman would have an issue with a man who has previously paid to have sex with a woman who may have been coerced, trafficked, abused etc?

Why they would have an issue with a man who cannot possibly know for sure if the woman is selling sex of her own free will or not (because there is no way he can know that for sure) but is willing to run the risk?

Decent men don't run that risk.

Some women would have an issue being with a man who wasn't fundamentally decent.

“Using” escorts is neither normal nor natural

paying to use someones body, probably younger than him,

But this happens all the time. Either explicitly using escorts or implicitly when hanging around pubs and clubs looking for women (usually younger & inebriated) to pick up for the cost of a couple of drinks.

I consider the above just as bad, if not worse, than using escorts. Same deal, couple of drinks & a cheap (money & emotionally) shag.

Presumably the “inebriated” in the pubs and clubs fancy the guy and want a shag just as much as the bloke does

You really can’t see how money changing hands shifts the dynamic completely ? (Wilful) ignorance is no excuse.

If they are inebriated so they can't consent, it's rape so just as bad.

If inebriated and capable of consenting and enthusiastically happy with a shag? Fill your boots.

It depends if it was a high-class escort girl running her own business/working for a reputable agency (they make up to £1000 + per date) or a poor, drug addicted, street-worker with a pimp. One exploits dumb men the other is exploited by dumb men. I see nothing wrong with consensual sex between two healthy, consenting adults aged over 21 (who haven't been co-ersed into it) for monetary gain if that's your thing.

I dunno, they don't seem to happy about it over on the Ghislane Maxwell trial, even the ones who were over 21 when recruited. And they look happy in the photos on the island.
Saying 'if they are not coerced' is all well and good but there's almost always a history of abuse or coercion there. If you want to look.

I tell you how you can tell. Give the woman £1000 then tell her she is completely free to just leave with the cash, no strings at all. Or she can stay and have sex if she wants to.

And if you took every women out of sex work who:

Started before 18
Was abused as a child
Is addicted
Is trafficked
Has a pimp
Is coerced
Is survival level
Has otherwise no choice

Every sexual act would cost £1000 because there would be so few women working .

Given his past and the context … I’d probably let it go
Id be more worried about his sexual trauma and how having a child might surface it again

I know use of sex workers is rightly frowned upon here
but many have once or twice done this in their errant youth
and probably regret it now

@MrsTerryPratchett I agree totally with you that sex-work comes with alot of baggage and many sex-workers will have been through the traumas that you mention and the world would be a much better place if those things had never have happened. However, people do live these lives and unfortunately it is their reality. So, if they are competent to make decisions then I think they must be allowed to make their own choices. But they ought to be generously recompensed that's why I mentioned £1000 for a date, rather than a fiver for some sort of quick sex-act. I'm not a sex worker, but I have worked with many over the years and, although it seems crazy to people outside that existence, many do take genuine pride in their work and see themselves as doing something positive for society (deterring rapists / paedophiles etc.) Re: the Maxwell thing - I think alot of those girls were trafficked and that's NOT OK.

So, if they are competent to make decisions then I think they must be allowed to make their own choices.

THEY can. It's the men abusing them who shouldn't. That's the distinction I make. The sex workers, and I know many many sex workers, aren't the issue. It's the men happy to buy 'consent' I wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

I’ve actually been worried about this - what happens when our son hits the same age he was when it all started, but I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it. I was hoping to find something I could read around this.

Fair point. I don't disagree. I just think men will always do this sort of thing and it's horrid, but some of them (definitely not all of them) are OK men. I think if the OPs partner realised he made a bit of a mistake when he was younger (and not knowing anything else about him) I'd prob forgive him.

OP, I’ve got a feeling you’re not ready to hear the truth. Your instinct/gut feeling tells you something’s off, but you’re so desperate to not be hurt again, you’re here seeking validation. And you’re not hearing it, no matter what we’d tell you.
you can listen to us, or waste a few more years. Up to you.
I wish you well.

I’ve actually been worried about this - what happens when our son hits the same age he was when it all started, but I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it. I was hoping to find something I could read around this.

i can see why you think your son being the same age might be a trigger, and often it is, but absolutely nothing raises childhood trauma like having a child yourself - age doesn’t come into it as much as you’d think. Even old “resolved” trauma can take on new meaning because you now understand it in the context of being a parent. I’d suggest your DH should think about going back into therapy to explore his feelings about being a parent in the context of childhood trauma, I’d suggest you do the same in terms of parenting with trauma in the family make up.

In terms of reading, any general trauma text will give you a sense of the issues, I personally like Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, because she focuses on the need for physical, emotional and psychological safety - which will be unsettled introducing a child into the mix. I also recommend Christiane Sanderson’s book on working with adult survivors of child sexual abuse. Both give good insight into complex trauma particularly.

Nope. As one of my not so charming (in between marriages) former colleague used to do - wait until the end when the desperate ones are ripe for picking. For the girl just going home with anyone was better than no one.

I knew a taxi driver who said the same thing. Women, pissed, usually younger, would proposition him as it was better than been alone. He would do this from time to time instead of taking a fare.

So predatory men seeking lonely, insecure girls for a quick shag rather than pissed enthusiasm.

That is so gross it amkes me feel physically sick!!!

Hi OP the thing I find more upsetting than his use of escorts, is the fact you've waited until you've had a child to decide if you were ok with it or not. Because if you now decide that it's nothing something you're comfortable with, you've involved an child person in a very fundamental issue you should have figured out much sooner. So you now really owe it to yourself and your child to figure out very quickly if you want this man as your partner or not.

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks of what he's done if you are still struggling to accept it. Clearly there's something about the situation or maybe the future that is worrying you - you really need to figure out what specifically it is. Worry he'll do it again, worry that he still has unresolved issues with sex/women or worry he can be exploitative in other ways too? I have a lot of empathy for him and the abuse he suffered and it's commendable that he has worked through his issues - the trouble I have is, I don't know if someone with his trauma and sexual history can be 'cured' quite so quickly. In fact I don't know if he is good at masking but some issues are too complex and deep and take years to treat, and even then maybe the damage is too much. I don't know. But I do know it's not a risk I would have taken to the point I had a child with someone who gave me doubts around morality and control.

Maybe you should talk to a therapist yourself to help you unravel your true feelings.