Escort use before relationship

[Conflicted82]

Okay, this might be a bit long winded, but I need to get some other peoples opinions as I keep going over things in my head.

I have just had a baby with my partner who I have been with for two years - he is a wonderful, kind, partner and father, but, prior to meeting me used two escorts here in the UK (fully protected and we’ve both had STI tests).

I feel really ick about this, even though I understand what lead him there - to give context - he was sexually abused by a family member as a child, this has obviously caused a lot of trauma and impacted his whole life. Him and his wife spilt up as he was unable to have sex with her, he was depressed after this and he suffers from anxiety, and he’s seen numerous councillers to discuss how to have a healthy sexual relationship with a partner and talk through what happened to him. He’s taken every step since he revealed the abuse to get better. He’s been through such a lot, so to come through the other side to be who he is now is something he has worked hard on.

Which brings me back to the use of the escorts - they were when he was depressed, and his marriage ended - I suspect he needed to be in control (as he never has been because of what happened to him), prove to himself that he could have sex and I know he thought that sex and a relationship were different because of his experience with his wife - he didn’t think you could have both until he met me. He used to hate sex, he’d have to shower before and after, it caused him anxiety, couldn’t orgasm etc.

And obviously, we all have a past, especially when you get to our age as we aren’t young.

Just needed to hear other people’s thoughts on this. I know I need to get over it, but it bothers me, but the alternative is losing a relationship over something that happened in the past. He literally couldn’t do enough for me and our baby.

as others have said, what's changed?

You knew this, you struggled together through his issues around sex and intimacy, you decided to have a baby.

And now this is an issue?

For me, it would have always been an issue, plus the sex/intimacy disconnect, and he sounds messed up. I try not to rescue any more.

Is it related to the new baby? hormones? lack of sleep? Or has something happened?

It doesn't really matter what his excuses are, he paid to use another woman's body. Or, to put more bluntly, he felt it was okay to pay money to ejaculate in a stranger's vagina because he was 'upset', presumably feeling that as long as he got to dump his load in any available fanny, the moral and ethical aspects of the transaction could be ignored. Hmm. That's pretty misogynistic, isn't it? Not nice at all.

And what happens when he says he 'can't have sex' with you? He's done it more than once, so he'll do it again - he's already crossed a boundary that most people - yes, most people - never cross, so it'll be easy, won't it?

I seem to be in the minority but I was kind of thinking that if anyone had a reason to use escorts he did! He was struggling with sex in a relationship and wanted to see if he could have sex - it would have been OK for him to have a one night stand but that would have added some pressure as the other person would have been expecting sex. I know that tragically some women escorts are exploited but some make an active choice they want that to be their profession.
The fact he has told you should account for something too in my opinion - lots of people don't think people need to discuss their previous love lives...he could have never said anything and you would be none the wiser - he has obviously told you as he feels you should know.
You are going to get lots of opinions but you should really do you ie what you want to do.

Everyone has a past though. Would you have felt different about it if he hadn’t have paid for it and just hooked up with with the girls. Is it the payment aspect that changes it?

Maybe you should sit down properly and explore why you feel this way. I think this is definitely your issue to explore in the short term before doing anything drastic.

Would you feel comfortable maybe having a look at some sex work sites/ read about being an escort etc with an open mind. Also might be worth reading about how the male mind works, God knows how but they seem to be able to compartmentalise things and it genuinely doesn’t affect them like things do with us💕

Hope you make some progress whatever you decide. Much love xxx

@ittakes2

I know that tragically some women escorts are exploited but some make an active choice they want that to be their profession

A man can't know for sure which of those two categories an escort falls into though, which is the issue many women, including me, have with this.

There's no way for him to know whether or not when he pays each individual woman for sex, he's contributing to her having been trafficked / being coerced / being forced / being abused / being raped...

A man willing to take that risk in order to have sex isn't a man I would personally want to be with. A man willing to risk contributing to a woman experiencing those things when he cannot know for sure if she's genuinely making the free choice to sell sex.

Did you know about it prior to getting together with him?

I personally wouldn't be able to get into a relationship with someone who had used escorts, and I'd leave if I found out they had.

Of course context matters, but ultimately it's about what YOU can handle. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it as I'd always have too many doubts and questions in my mind.

I wouldn't like it but what stands out at my here is he has worked on his issues. That's what matters. If he can take accountability for his actions then to me, that says a lot.

It sounds like the use of escorts was when he was at his lowest. He's only human, we all make mistakes. This is a huge one but if he owns it then he's learnt from it.

Secondly, if your marriage is a happy and healthy one and there are no other red flags then it's just something you have to deal with from his past. He doesn't seem to be that person anymore - people can change.

If they had been girlfriends it wouldn't be an issue but paying is different. In view of all his childhood problems and the fact he has come through this would make me forgive and forget.

You don't actually say what your problem is?

You seem to be aligning sex work with abuse although don't quite say it?

Personally I have no issue with sex workers or people using their services in principle as long as they are doing so of their own free will and not coerced, which sadly is the case for a minority as is the case in other areas.

A huge number of men and quite a lot of women use sex workers in one form or another. Sadly there is a lot of stigma, judgement and misunderstanding about it, often from people who have little or no first hand experience of it.

Forget trying to find a justification, you'll just wind yourself up and you're missing the point. Intimacy is a basic human need regardless of any other issues going on.

It sounds like you have a great relationship, get on with your life and forget about it.

Personally I have no issue with sex workers or people using their services in principle as long as they are doing so of their own free will and not coerced, which sadly is the case for a minority as is the case in other areas.

How can a man know for sure that a sex worker is having sex for money "of their own free will and not coerced"?

Context if everything. If his backstory is true I would understand. But I'd make it b=clear that if it ever happened during marriage - that would be the end.

“he didn’t think you could have both until he met me”

Well he’s told you a lovely set of stories that has made you seem like the chosen one with the magic vagina. Neither you nor I know how true any of this is , but one thing is clear- you have picked a punter to be the father of your child.

i wouldn’t like to be in your head if you have future sex issues or a row where he goes away for ‘space’ for a few days. He has form. It’s only been 24 months and you have been pregnant for 10 of them.

There's no 'right' answer. Only you can decide if you are/n't comfortable with this.

It's a bit of a worry that you're asking for others' opinions on something that's so personal; we can't tell you how you feel, and how you feel is all that matters.

When did you find out about it? Bit curious to know why/how the relationship progressed to the stage it's at, if you've known about this and found it uncomfortable throughout? Have you been minimising your negative feelings and 'trying to be ok with it'?

I'll just point out that it is not only men the use sex workers, you seem to have a particular view of the world.

But in answer to your question it is very easy to tell when someone is doing of their own free will, assuming you want to know of course, which granted not all do. Have a conversation with them.

Coerncion and trafficing happens, it is horrendous when this is the case, as is it for example in the crop picking industry. Sadly our government is driving more people in to the arms of such people with it's policies but that's a whole other story.

But in answer to your question it is very easy to tell when someone is doing of their own free will, assuming you want to know of course, which granted not all do. Have a conversation with them.

I don't even know where to start with this so I think we'll just have to agree to disagree. A conversation is not going to reveal definitely if someone is coerced / trafficked / abused etc as those women are going to say they aren't for fear of the repercussions if they are found to have told a punter the truth of their situation. The fact is that a man cannot know for sure but every time he pays for sex he is willing to run the risk he's contributing to those things.

I'm well aware some women also pay for sex but OP was talking about a male partner paying female sex workers hence why I specifically mentioned male punters and female sex workers.

A two year UCL study found that 10% of British men reported having paid for sex in comparison to 0.1% of British women, so while I acknowledge that some women do pay for sex, the scale is incredibly different.

May I ask how many sex workers have you spoken with or worked with or is this hypoyhasis? It's not a question of people admitting to it, as you say there can be repercussions. However you can tell by how and where they advertise, where they work, are they independently working, can you speak to them directly, are the happy and chatty or reserved. If you're unable to spot the signs it will because you don't care to look.

Far more than 10% of men have used s sex workers in my experience, 10% may admit to it. Anything from lap dances to massage to more. Women even less likely to admit to it as we have so much guilt and shame around sex.

Is it the sex work you have an issue with or the trafficking and abuse. The latter is horrible and needs to be stopped. The answer is not target all sex workers or users but the criminals that do it. By the same token we don't ban fruit and veg because the industry has the same issue, or indeed products from parts of the world where there are unethical working conditions, we target the abusers.

If you have a moral issue with sex work between consenting adults in principle then you are of course entitled to that view.

We had a thread recently where a bloke claimed he saw a prostitute for help with sexual issues.

It just sounds really unlikely to me, and of course maybe no excuse makes it ok.

If I were you @Conflicted82 , I'd also be worried that if life got stressful he would do it again.

Thank you for all the replies so far, it’s been really interesting to hear other viewpoints. In order to update and give more background to the situation, I found out in Jan 2021 after we’d been seeing each other a year (he thought he’d told me before then when he was drunk, but he didn’t, or if he did, I was also drunk and didn’t remember) and intially I ended it, but we loved each other, so I put it to the back of my mind and we worked things out. The whole, past is the past thing, and the whole, I wouldn’t want him to judge me in my worst moment and hold against me something I did before I met him, and the fact that I had finally met someone who seemed to be a decent man! I should add I have two other children from a previous marriage and he’s taken them on like his own.

He told me he made sure they were independent (although obviously we know there are grey areas) and used protection the whole time.

I have known him since I was 19 as we have a mutal friend, so moved in the same social circles without really being friend friends if that helps give some context.

His life story is completely legit, and he has never once cheated on a partner, his wife or ever has any intention to. He’s ridiculously loyal and stupidly honest. He’s very in touch with his feelings - more so than me - he is an empath.

I spoke to him about it again yesterday, and he said the act triggered or changed something in him after 12 years of struggling to perform/enjoy sex in his marriage and in fact before that as a single man. I pointed it it most probably wasn’t about the act, and was about the fact he was in control of the process, possibly for the first time in a long time. And it was because it was on his terms he was able to prove to himself he wasn’t ‘broken’ so to speak. As soon as I said this, he started sobbing and said I was right because when he isn’t in control it reminds him of being a little child again. I also explained this is why he didn’t choose a one night stand because of the pressure and expectation.

The part I struggle with, like many women I suspect, is thinking is this man also someone who paid for a shag? Because when I think of that I just think of a certain type of man. I also fail to see how it could be enjoyable knowing the other person is being paid to ‘like’ you, but I suspect that comes from a ‘female’ point of view because arguably, we know men are wired a little differently.

I spoke to my gay best friend about this, and he says in his world this happens all the time, expect often it doesn’t involve money, so instead, find someone on an app, drive to theirs, get whatever you desire, and the leave. Instant hook ups type thing. Obviously, in the hetro world this is more difficult which is why I suspect escorting is such big business.

Hopefully this sheds some more light on things.

is this man also someone who paid for a shag? Because when I think of that I just think of a certain type of man

The type of man who is comfortable with paying for sex, because his own needs are more important to him than respecting any moral or ethical standpoint? Because if that's what you mean, how is your partner any different? His own need to prove himself doesn't make it morally ok. It's pathetic. He could have found other ways to work around this. He didn't have to pay for sex. He chose to, because he wanted to.

He did. And the thing is, it will completely depend on what individuals hold as moral and ethical. There is debate around whether it is moral, but like another poster said, if it’s between two consenting adults in agreement, then arguably it’s not morally wrong for either of them - just for someone with a different opinion.

I wish it was more clear cut than this because I can see both sides, but like some posters have said, he has told me, many don’t, and there are worse things he could have done, and if I end the relationship it impacts on a lot of lives.

I wish it was more clear cut than this

It's very clear cut. There is no right or wrong, so we all have to go on our opinion. You are repulsed by his decision. You're complicating matters by trying to have a reaction you don't naturally have. Accept that it's not acceptable to you, and things will look much clearer.

To the OP you have to do what is right for you of course, you will get views from both sides of the fence here some being quite judgemental and you may feel I am too relaxed about it. Seems to me you have a good relationship and communicate well. That's better than many have.

If it helps, there isn't a 'type' that uses sex workers they come from all backgrounds, colours, religions, genders, orientations, married or not, trauma or not, other issues or not. The fact someone has used one doesn't make them a bad person, it doesn't mean they will again. There is a lot of misinformation around sex work and without doubt some bad things that go on but it's not the norm.

People are not paying or someone to like them, they're paying for a service, it might be sex, intimacy, touch or just someone to talk to or all of the above. It may be because they feel alone, it may be because they have issues, it may just be that they feel horny. To be honest I think many guys will use.a dating app and buy drinks and dinner for the same end which is arguably more dishonest, people marry for money all the time again to be dishonest.

My biggest issue with any partner would be dishonesty, not what they may have done.

He felt entitled to coerce consent out of women to use their bodies. Dress it up however you feel the need, but that’s the crux of the matter.

(Not sure why you mentioned a gay guy telling you about mutual consenting hook up apps. That’s not about prostitution women.)