Escort use before relationship

[Conflicted82]

Okay, this might be a bit long winded, but I need to get some other peoples opinions as I keep going over things in my head.

I have just had a baby with my partner who I have been with for two years - he is a wonderful, kind, partner and father, but, prior to meeting me used two escorts here in the UK (fully protected and we’ve both had STI tests).

I feel really ick about this, even though I understand what lead him there - to give context - he was sexually abused by a family member as a child, this has obviously caused a lot of trauma and impacted his whole life. Him and his wife spilt up as he was unable to have sex with her, he was depressed after this and he suffers from anxiety, and he’s seen numerous councillers to discuss how to have a healthy sexual relationship with a partner and talk through what happened to him. He’s taken every step since he revealed the abuse to get better. He’s been through such a lot, so to come through the other side to be who he is now is something he has worked hard on.

Which brings me back to the use of the escorts - they were when he was depressed, and his marriage ended - I suspect he needed to be in control (as he never has been because of what happened to him), prove to himself that he could have sex and I know he thought that sex and a relationship were different because of his experience with his wife - he didn’t think you could have both until he met me. He used to hate sex, he’d have to shower before and after, it caused him anxiety, couldn’t orgasm etc.

And obviously, we all have a past, especially when you get to our age as we aren’t young.

Just needed to hear other people’s thoughts on this. I know I need to get over it, but it bothers me, but the alternative is losing a relationship over something that happened in the past. He literally couldn’t do enough for me and our baby.

Obviously no one here knows the actual circumstances in this case so not possible to say whether he felt entitled or whether any coercion took place (on the part of either party).

It was and is a big thing, you did split over it. However, you got back together and you were able to move beyond it to the point of subsequently having a child with him. It's likely a combination of things that's causing this to come to the fore, not least of it having PND.
However, I'm sure many Mum's do find that once a parent, they become somewhat more focused on what they feel is morally right. It's just a thing you do as you think about how you'd like your child to learn right from wrong.
It's a tricky one, as you also don't want to be giving free passes on continued bad behaviour based on past abuse, there is a limit at which point its their problem and you don't have to chose to be involved with someone who sees it as a get out.
I'd say, his attitude to what he did from how he views female rights, is important to find out here. Yes, he's explained his circumstances that lead to it, but with hindsight, can he also take on board that the prostitute he went with has most likely, been abused and is in effect continuing to be abused? Is he embarrassed purely for himself, or does he understand now that it's wrong and sad that a woman has ended up in being a position of prostitution, and getting involved with it just perpetuates the business? If he can see the woman's side now and empathise, then that would be less of an ick, but if not, then he has been only focused on his needs, which is somewhat off-putting.

OP I totally relate to what you said about having an image in your mind of "those" men that typically do that type of thing.

My partner told me that he had accepted a "happy ending" at a massage parlour and I was totally overwhelmed by feelings of "I didn't think you were one of those guys"^^ 🤢

And I'm still not comfortable with it now. However, I have also realised that my assessment of my partner has been built on months and months of experience with him, noting his respect for me and other women etc. why would I let something from the past colour what I know to be true of him today?

If you know him to be a good man, trust your instincts and forget about the past.

@NalaNana

My partner told me that he had accepted a "happy ending" at a massage parlour

I mean tbf he went to that massage parlour knowing it was on the menu and that he could pay for that service, he wasn't just a passive participant caught off guard!

@wellhelloitsme let's promptly burn him at the stake!

I didn't say that at all.

I just don't think genuinely decent guys pay for sexual contact and was pointing out he made the active choice to visit somewhere he knew it would be offered rather than going to a regular massage appointment and it 'just happening'.

I have a couple of masseuse friends (at legitimate massage appointments / their own studios) who no longer take bookings from men at all because they've been asked for similar by men clearly aroused. It's vile.

Each to their own 🤷🏻‍♀️

@wellhelloitsme I'd have probably said the same before I met him but as you say, each to their own.

Obviously women being propositioned while trying to do their job is a disgrace.

I wouldn't care as long as he wasn't doing it behind my back now. I would consider using an escort for a threesome at some point, so I'm not adverse to the idea.

My partner told me that he had accepted a "happy ending" at a massage parlour and I was totally overwhelmed by feelings of "I didn't think you were one of those guys"

Now imagine what you'd do if a male masseur offered to perform a sexual act on you after a massage. You'd be absolutely horrified. And probably report the place, and possibly call the police. Not say, "go on then and I will pay extra".

This shit has become so normalised. Men just 'accepting' paid wanks from women. If I need a massage, I make bloody sure they don't offer 'extras'. A decent man would too.

He 'accepted' a happy ending - as if it 'just happened' 🤑

That's really grim. As another poster said, imagine what your response would have been if you'd been having that massage!! He totally knew that was going to happen! Can't even man up enough to admit he chose a place where that happens and knew it would happen. Accidental sex tourism.

You'll remember this later on and regret not dumping him then and there!

I would take whatever he says with a large pinch of salt. You have a watered down story.

Oh, and no, you don’t need to get over it. Most women wouldn’t.

He’s very in touch with his feelings - more so than me - he is an empath.

He may be more in touch with his own feelings in the sense of being self-absorbed in some ways @Conflicted82 . And he may appear like he understands your feelings but he doesn't do that for everyone. He obviously was only focussed on his own feelings rather than theirs when he used these women for his gratification. Ok they were paid for it, but I don't think they usually enjoy their work.

I think I’m ruminating on something I dislike from his past (there is plenty he could dislike from mine)

@Conflicted82 I'm sure nothing you did compared to this. It's part of depression that often people with it think they're worse people than they are, and I think that's what you could be doing with this idea (as well as thinking of rationalizations to overlook what he did, using prostituted women.)

I recently heard an actor make the argument that what they do is no different. Actors often have to be intimate with people they wouldn't otherwise be, and the need to pretend to enjoy it. They do that for money.

How is this consensual but actual SW isn't?

FTR I don't think there's anything wrong with paying for a sexual service, as long as there is no coercion involved. I don't see it differently than paying for any other service which the provider only does because they get paid. Nobody mows people's lawns for the fun of it.

But even if you do find that unacceptable, with massage parlours there is a grey area. You can go into many regular massage parlours on the street and you'd be offered a happy ending.

I've had several massages at different places, where I didn't ask or intimate I want anything sexual, yet I was asked if I want a happy ending. FWIW I refused, but only because I'm not about to pay an extra tenner for something I could easily do myself, and probably better too.

@MrsTerryPratchett

What if you took out of cleaning work, or shelf stacking, every person who

Is survival level
Has otherwise no choice

How much would it cost you to get someone to clean toilets?

Everyone works because they have no choice.

Is your new baby a girl?
And your two previous kids boys?

Do any of those jobs at that level of survival give people worse rates of PTSD than Vietnam vets? Do any involve rape, assault, a lack of safe working and all the lovely things that go with it? Access to the inside of someone else’s body?

No? Not even slightly analogous then.

I think if you reversed this situation. So you are the lonely/frustrated one. Would you go and pay for sex?
I mean I spent a very very long time without sex, think 12 years. I still never even thought about going out and paying a man to have sex with me. To my mind its rape. Would that other person have sex with me if I didnt pay, probably not. So that's rape then, you cant buy consent.

But that's my own opinion, ymmv.

@SlickShady

FTR I don't think there's anything wrong with paying for a sexual service, as long as there is no coercion involved.

People who pay for sex cannot know for sure there is no coercion / trafficking / abuse / rape etc involved. They are willing to run the risk. That's why I think it's wrong.

I don't see it differently than paying for any other service which the provider only does because they get paid

It's a 'service' within an industry that is nowadays fundamentally propped up by human trafficking, abuse, coercion and rape. That's why I see it as different.

So that's rape then, you cant buy consent.

Meh. You could buy mine for the right price without me feeling raped.

And what is that price?
And are you in need of money?

Would you not be concerned if someone was convicted of animal cruelty, or war crimes, or TWOCing cars before they met you? Literally nothing before the relationship matters?

In my case I'm sure DH was swinging from the chandeliers with a variety of lovely women entirely consensually before me met me. Good for him. If he'd used women for sex whose consent was bought, and possibly coerced, he wouldn't be the man for me.

Do people genuinely not see the issue with men who want women who DON'T WANT them without paying? The thought of paying a man who otherwise wouldn't shag me turns my stomach. And in East Africa, it's perfectly possibly to buy young, very good-looking male sex workers. Did I? Did I fuck; it's foul. The power imbalance makes me shudder.

And what is that price?
And are you in need of money?

I don't think all escorts are dying for money and dirt poor. There are escorts clearly making more money than me.

But, tbh, I have the money to spend £200 on getting my hair done right now, but I'd still rather not spend that, so if someone offered to pay for it in return for sex, fuck it. But then I'd be quite happy to marry a rich man I didn't particularly like just for his money tbh, and I technically would only be sleeping with him out of want of his money too.