Gambling husband left me

[lurker1000]

So a long time lurker…
My husband left me yesterday and I’m broken.
He’s a gambling addict – horrific for last four years – constant relapse, thousands gambled, lies constant and the usual promises.
He hasn’t gambled for the last five months – after almost a breakdown.
It seemed like things were back to normal – I’ve always really loved him.
But I got a funny feeling two weeks ago – I just know by his behaviours.
My dad died recently (my mum died 4 years ago) and I have just got inheritance after settling estate.
I’m cautious about bringing any money into the house for obvious reasons and I explained that I was going to put it away for our DC (12 and 8) so they have a nest egg from their grandparents (who adored them) when they turn 21.
This hasn’t gone down well at all – I’m ‘disgusting’ for not giving a share to my stepson.
I explained that I used the surplus to buy a five star, all inclusive holiday for all five of us.
But he announced yesterday morning that he was leaving and wouldn’t be back.
He has cleared the money out of the joint account which means the mortgage and his car payment won’t get paid tomorrow.
The only message I have had is to ask me to buy him out of the house.
I wish I was stronger, but I’m just heartbroken.
I really am and feeling pathetic.

Oh gosh. I’m so sorry. You must be feeling really blindsided after you’ve supported him for so long. What’s your own financial situation? Are you able to manage at the moment?

So he's trying to force you to give him the inheritance money one way or another.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I'm glad you're becoming free of this parasite. You'll get through this. When the shock has gone, have a good think about what you want to do.

Best of luck.

You are well rid. You might not feel it now . He doesn’t care for you, just the money.

Protect your inheritance - keep it separate
File today for divorce.
I'm really sorry op

You made a very good call to remove your inheritance out of his reach.

He's also left you high and dry re mortgage and car payments

See it as a good thing op. I know you love him, but love doesn't conquer all I'm afraid, and it sounds like he was using you for money

Try to say calm and wait for your anger ti kick in.
Good advice from pp.

Thanks - I'm just so unbelievably sad. I'm hoping it gets better. Just really really hurt. Together for ten years. Honestly thought I meant more than just the money.

Do not hope it gets better! That will mean your inheritance spent on gambling debts! Can you see it as an addiction that is driving him, like a drug addict who steals from family as the drug controls them. I'm not entirely convinced but it might be a less hurtful way to think of his behaviour?

Yeah that helps, but like you - I'm not entirely sure if it is that or is it just the way he is. My head is just mush, but I know it is probably still in shock.

Stick the divorce application in today while you feel numb. You can get back together if you want but your finances, and inheritance, will be better protected

Be glad he has gone. Was there a lot in the joint account? Are you able to replace the mortgage money? His car he can pay, or not!

There was £1000 - I've had message from bank to say that it has gone into unauthorised overdraft so the direct debits have come off (he left £60 in there and £900 came out in direct debits). It's the lack of care and the ability to just walk away and do that to us that has just thrown me.

Nothing means more to a gambler than money
Please keep the money in the children's account where he cannot touch it.
Sorry you are going through this have you got any support from friends or family

The second he saw there would be money, nothing else mattered to him. Not you, his children, nothing.

You need to open another account just in your name, have the bills paid from that. Don't put another penny into the bill account. He'll be on it like a fly on shit.

Go see a lawyer pronto! You need to be able to protect yourself, your children and the inheritance asap

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but he's done you a huge favour. Please seek legal advice an protect yourself and your children

I wish I felt it! I'm just broken. Probably a big bit of denial in my part for a long time.

How you are feeling is completely understandable.
Do you have any siblings or friends to call right now?
I'm no expert, but maybe you should call the bank and explain the situation. Ask them to put a stop on the account so he can't withdraw any more money.
Contact your mortgage company to explain.
Likewise council tax if you pay monthly.
Borrow from friends/family to get you through the next few weeks.
Get the divorce process in motion urgently.
Message him to say all communication going forward has to be by email.
Then Block him from your phone.
I presume your youngest is his, get a relative to facilitate contact in the short term.
Have a really good cry, wallow, whatever helps. Then get coldly angry to protect yourself and DC.
He has behaved absolutely shittily and unforgivably.

I think they’re doing something about gambling/marriage on the Jeremy vine show on radio 2 today. I was flicking radio stations and just caught it. Maybe it will say something relevant? I’m sorry you find yourself here.

Thanks - I'll have a listen. He said that he hasn't gambled the £1000 (which i'm doubtful of) but the fact is he cleared the account and left. None of my friends know about the gambling. My sister is away until weekend. I know I need to speak to people, but I'm just sitting in denial.

Go to your bank and get them to freeze the account so he cannot make it go further overdrawn.
Get yourself a sole account and make sure benefits and/or wages are paid into it. Ideally with another bank so it can't be linked to your joint account.
If the mortgage is in joint names he has shot himself in the foot. They would chase BOTH of you for repayment and his credit rating would be fucked (if it isn't already).
Get your credit report to check that he hasn't applied for credit in your name (if he has its fraud).

It isn’t going to feel like it at the moment. But he has done you a huge favour.

I’m no expert either but Gazelda’s advice seems good to me.

I’m sorry because you are hurt and shocked. But you are well rid.

How does he think the mortgage and his car payment will be met?

I'm assuming he thinks I'll pay - his car is in my name (he can't get credit)...I know......or he just doesn't care.

He is an addict and that will always be the most important thing to him.
He wants your inheritance and probably thinks he will get half of he divorces you