Gambling husband left me

[lurker1000]

So a long time lurker…
My husband left me yesterday and I’m broken.
He’s a gambling addict – horrific for last four years – constant relapse, thousands gambled, lies constant and the usual promises.
He hasn’t gambled for the last five months – after almost a breakdown.
It seemed like things were back to normal – I’ve always really loved him.
But I got a funny feeling two weeks ago – I just know by his behaviours.
My dad died recently (my mum died 4 years ago) and I have just got inheritance after settling estate.
I’m cautious about bringing any money into the house for obvious reasons and I explained that I was going to put it away for our DC (12 and 8) so they have a nest egg from their grandparents (who adored them) when they turn 21.
This hasn’t gone down well at all – I’m ‘disgusting’ for not giving a share to my stepson.
I explained that I used the surplus to buy a five star, all inclusive holiday for all five of us.
But he announced yesterday morning that he was leaving and wouldn’t be back.
He has cleared the money out of the joint account which means the mortgage and his car payment won’t get paid tomorrow.
The only message I have had is to ask me to buy him out of the house.
I wish I was stronger, but I’m just heartbroken.
I really am and feeling pathetic.

File for divorce today

Op, you and your children deserve so much better than this waste of space. Please tell your family about his gambling issues, you gain nothing but heart ache by keeping his secret. He doesn't respect you at all. He is treating you terribly and trying to bully you and force your hand. In your shoes I absurdly would not be giving my step child any of my parents life savings either. They have their own parents and grand parents.

Another voice echoing, please get legal advice OP.

Also, call your bank and mortgage provider and let them know what's happened, so that your H cannot take out any more money anywhere.

Very rarely comment on relationships posts but felt I needed to here - you will be so well rid of this man OP!! I'm raging for you with the way he's treated you and is behaving now! Sometimes there are no words to adequately describe someone - this is one. He's an absolute C* & I can only hope that if he can ever kick the gambling that you've so selflessly supported him through he will realise how terribly he has behaved. Until then I totally agree that you MUST get that money safe from him, file for divorce and get legal advise TODAY. I'd hold of writing anything on paper until you have proper legal advise. Sending so much love your way!

If he's applying for council housing then it seems likely he's not planning to use the £1k for a deposit.

I'm really sorry OP. He is a cruel and selfish man. He's probably been thinking about your inheritance for quite some time and planning what he would do with it. This reaction is his bitter disappointment coming out. How he can begrudge his own children money is beyond me.

He won't get anywhere with housing. He's made himself homeless. If he was escaping domestic abuse he might but o very much doubt any council would help him in terms of housing.

Absolutely get legal advice. Get a free half hour call off as many solicitors as you can find. You need a financial order.

Apply for housing with who
if he means the council then he’s an even more stupid than you thought

single working men are at the bottom of the list for any type of social housing

if he is lucky he may get a bedsit

when he realises this he will be back

The longer you stay together the more chance he has of getting your inheritance and gambling it

Just a thought
the inheritance is it in a bank account that he knows the details of like on line password’s login in details

If so move it or change the passwords to my husband is a dick 😂

desperate gamblers do desperate shit

Once the dust has settled you will realise this is for the best. You're free! Living with a gambler is a miserable existence. It's not just about the money, it's the lies and deceit. I suspect you've been a cash cow for this man, bailing him out of his various financial disasters and now you have some money of your own he's pissed off.

Don't chase him. Protect your interests and enjoy your freedom.

I think you need financial and legal advice urgently. I know this is all a horrible shock but you must not wait, you must move quickly if you want to secure your and the kids future. He sounds like a nasty piece of work finally showing his true colours. He is not in shock and he could easily get a large loan out secured against the house and gamble it all, even with a bad credit rating it may still be possible. There is untold damage he could be doing motivated by a strong gambling addiction. Peoples partners have done this even forging signatures of their spouse.

You also need the financial/legal advice because you are married and as I understand it that means half your assets are his and half his assets are yours. That means he gets half your inheritance. And I seriously doubt he will be giving that to his stepson do you?!! He will gamble it. Get onto a lawyer. Also remember however they will look back on finances just before the split and if large amounts of money have been moved the courts may take a dim view..

Get the car back, if he wont give it back get the police involved as I assume you are still paying and it's all in your name. Cancel the finance if you don't need the car and give it back depending on how much left or buy it and sell. Remember he could trash the car out of spite so I hope there is insurance and I wouldn't rely on him to have it! See about cancelling or down grading the holiday, just take you and your kids. The likelihood is when you split you probably will not have much to do with step son anymore, that's sad but quite likely.

Wishing you the strength to get all of this in motion. He is not the person you thought he was, that fictional person is long gone. Now it is switch to damage limitation mode in the short term and feel sad about it after. Easier said than done I know!

Contact everyone including utility providers if you have credit with them. Contact child maintenance service and start that process. Change the locks cut him dead now. Move money out of reach ie premium bonds and NS and start your own bank account. Also check with Experian you don't have any credit cards you don't know about (my friends ex did this and forged her signature on the mortgage).

He is going to be desperate and he will try and get what he can

Oh yes and I agree with others tell the family and friends the truth about what has been going on. You are not his enabler and right now you need their support!

Totally agree with this, get a credit check see if he has already been applying for stuff. Freeze joint accounts and any he also has access to, change passwords I'd be really really concerned. Desparate men take desparate measures, you don't know yet how far he has gone. Once they don't care anymore they can do anything to you and the kids with absolutely no remorse, like a drug addict it's all about the next fix! Don't underestimate him.

Yes I was just coming to say this. Get a credit check IMMEDIATELY! My friend's ex was a gambler and he ran thousands up in credit cards in her name.

She gets an email alert now when anyone tries to access her credit file. And he's still trying!!

Soo you will be angry. Very very angry!

And in year or so, grateful to rid of him. I'm guessing you've had many years of bailing him out.

If the car is in your name and you pay for it, take it back or return it and cancel payments.

Just to add, having been there myself - he will do more than you ever thought possible to try and get all of your money. It is very important that you tell/warn all friends and family as well as all the others things people have suggested.

He is playing chicken. He wants a share of that inheritance money. He's escalated this to the highest level to frighten you into giving in to him. I remember the fury of my own gambling ex H when he found out I had money available that he hadn't known about. It was far out of proportion to the amount - total and utter fury, accusations of hiding things, breaking his trust, he literally couldn't physically keep still, was spitting with rage. This would all stop immediately of you gave into him. I guarantee it. You'd go right into a lovely honeymoon period.

Speak to a solicitor about the best way of dealing with the inheritance issue.

Change the locks,you deserve so much better x

Sorry to post again but in response to his expectation for some of your money. He sounds like my ex. He thought I was stupid too. After gambling everything and leaving us he had various plans to get money out of me.

You need urgent legal advice.

Close joint account immediately in case he goes into overdraft. Open a sole account and transfer any direct debits. Keep inheritance in separate account and if you need it to pay bills and mortgage , keep records. Get car off him if it is in your name ( I know this may not be easy ) . He can want you to buy him out but guess what , he does not control the divorce settlement. And it certainly won't be a case of you just giving him money . He will still be liable for child support, etc. Close any cash accessible accounts .
BTW , the SC are not entitled to any part of an inheritance from your DCs maternal grandparents. Tough .

What a dick he is.

I'd write him his letter. Hopefully turn he will stay tf away from you. The get the house sold pronto. He can get the money from that when you split.

As for your inheritance, speak to a solicitor ASAP. Actually...I'd be inclined to consider investing it in something he can't trace. Like some chanel/hermes handbags. Put them in storage somewhere away from the house and never use them. And then you can sell them when the kids are older.

'Oh I gave them away as gifts to friends and family'. He can't have half of money that isn't even there.

He wants to get his hands on your inheritance. It is much better for you that he is gone. Take the kids and DSC on the holiday you have booked ask a friend to fill his space. Hope you are starting to feel better.

I'm generally in favour of stepchildren being part of the family, but unless they'd been in our family from babies and I'd had a lot to do with them, they would not get equal inheritance to my DGC

Even if you had included the DSC, I think he would have found a way/excuse to get his mitts on it and spunk it and the DSC would have been left with empty pockets anyway.