Gambling husband left me

[lurker1000]

So a long time lurker…
My husband left me yesterday and I’m broken.
He’s a gambling addict – horrific for last four years – constant relapse, thousands gambled, lies constant and the usual promises.
He hasn’t gambled for the last five months – after almost a breakdown.
It seemed like things were back to normal – I’ve always really loved him.
But I got a funny feeling two weeks ago – I just know by his behaviours.
My dad died recently (my mum died 4 years ago) and I have just got inheritance after settling estate.
I’m cautious about bringing any money into the house for obvious reasons and I explained that I was going to put it away for our DC (12 and 8) so they have a nest egg from their grandparents (who adored them) when they turn 21.
This hasn’t gone down well at all – I’m ‘disgusting’ for not giving a share to my stepson.
I explained that I used the surplus to buy a five star, all inclusive holiday for all five of us.
But he announced yesterday morning that he was leaving and wouldn’t be back.
He has cleared the money out of the joint account which means the mortgage and his car payment won’t get paid tomorrow.
The only message I have had is to ask me to buy him out of the house.
I wish I was stronger, but I’m just heartbroken.
I really am and feeling pathetic.

My ex was and still is a very heavy gambler.

He won't change

Change the direct debits from your joint account over to your private current account now. Change it all NOW

Get your car back
Change the locks
Go and see a solicitor if you're married and get a divorce.

Go on holiday anyway or if you think you'll need the cash buy a cheaper one

He will try to come crawling back soon. When he realises he's run out of money and needs more.

Tell your family as soon as you can, when it's out in the open your eyes will open and the denial on your part will stop.

My ex who does earn a fair amount does pay all his bills and child maintenance etc, and knows he can tell me anything and often does as he can't talk to it about anyone else. Just told me he got a huge 900k bonus and has blown the lot in 5 months.

We've been split for 10 years.

Don't tell the bank anything! Just pay all your bills as normal from your current account

Don't put anything in the joint account, personally I'd pay of the overdraft and ask them to close the account or just take your name off it .

Look up gam anon online and read up as much as you can about it.
Gaslighting
Addict behaviour

I know it doesn't feel like it now but he has absolutely done you a favour.
My ExH was a gambling addict. Still is, but it isn't really my problem anymore. Until he loses his house and our kids have no home when they go to him. I left him 8 years ago and he's still gambling now. Just lost his job because of it (and drinking/general areshole behaviour)
I thank my lucky stars every single day that I'm free of him.

I appreciate that your situation is different-I hated my H and it sounds like you don't (yet)
But you absolutely have to protect yourself and the children. He will 100% have gambled your joint account funds.
Do NOT give this man a single penny of your inheritance. Please.

Best of luck to you OP

You’re wrong.

I completely agree that a step-child inheriting from their own step-parent is very different from an expectation that they would inherit from step-grand-parents. I certainly didn't inherit anything from my step-grand-parents and I would not have expected to. My step-siblings likewise did not inherit from my grandparents and would not have expected to.

I think your H assumed you would put money aside for his child, which he would control - and spend. His goal now is to maximise the money he does have access to, so that he can gamble with it.

I think you are going to be left with all bills for the foreseeable, but please do not pay them out of the joint account. As fast as you put money in to pay a bill, he will withdraw it again. I would see if the bank can freeze the joint account but you should start moving the direct debts out to your own account.

I would then make an appointment with a solicitor to see how you can protect the inheritance, if in fact you can.

You do need to work out how to get rid of his car, I assume he has taken it with him? Is it actually your car or are you on the finance only? Either way, I would talk to the finance company about a settlement figure.

I would definitely cancel the holiday as well, can you do so without penalty?

I'm baffled by people who are saying the DSS should get some of the inheritance. Talk about miss the point of the thread to pick at some imaginary slight on a SC. They have two sets of grandparents via their two parents. If they also expect money from Dad's partners parents then they could well be financially better off than her 2. So they don't get a lump sum when the other two are 21? And? Do they get presents on other peoples birthdays too? Unless they're super-entitled they probably wouldn't consider it relevant to them at all.

Complete nonsense - the money is from OP’s parents who had little to no relationship with her SC. Why on Earth should the SC then benefit from their deaths?

If SC inherits from his GPs should the OP kick off because her children aren’t given a share from the estate of strangers? Or should she use the common sense that seems to be deeply lacking on any issue ever raised by stepmothers on these boards?

You might end up buying him out of the house, but don't do it until it's part of the divorce so that it's a final financial settlement. Otherwise he will gamble it all away and then come after you for more money during the divorce.

Keep confirmation that he drained the account and forced it into unauthorised overdraft, that shows that he is financially abusive and can't be trusted to come to a reasonable financial agreement.

If he's working start a child maintenance claim sooner rather than later.

As others have said, freeze the joint account, but if you can bring the balance out of unauthorised overdraft first because charges will mount up very quickly otherwise. Move the mortgage payment to come from your account and see if you can take a payment holiday for a few months while you sort your finances out (if you need to). How much longer is there on his car loan? I would pay it for now if he has a job, because you want him to keep his job so that he has income coming in and losing the car might (possibly) cost him his job. In the longer run you can either apply pressure on him to pay by threatening him with having the car repossessed or just add up the payments and take it off the financial settlement.

For what it's worth, I am very pessimistic about a full or lasting recover from gambling addiction. From my experience of people that I know, it seems that substance addictions can be given up permanently but gamblers eventually relapse. So your H has broken up the marriage at a time that you are not ready for it, but I suspect that you would eventually have had to leave him anyway, and the longer the marriage lasted the worse the financial position you would be in.

Can you imagine how that would feel to your stepson that on his 21st he was the only one not to get a lump sum?? That’s hurtful.

This is the responsibility of his own parents to arrange. Not OP.

fuck him over. don't buy the house, sell it get your half and he can waste his half on gambling x and get him for CMS

I know how you feel, OP, I too used to be married to a gambler. Please listen to the advice above. Do not give him any money at all. If you put some aside for your stepson, his father will find a way to take it from him. See a solicitor. My sympathies.

@lurker1000 but he hasn’t thought about his children by leaving you high and dry??

it hurts I get that but could you ever trust him again after this? Some money turns up and it doesn’t go his way so he leaves??

have you had to give him money in the last to fix his messes??

it’s hard because you love him but what would you say if this was your child in later life? Or a friend turning to you for help?

How do you know they will inherit anything? Particularly with a father who is a gambling addict. Seems yours is the ridiculous statement

If the money came from the fathers line, then yes her dc should also be included.

There is a way to include even if the money doesn’t come directly from grandparents. That a share will come their way to make all equal.

She is treating the kids differently. She shouldn’t have signed up to become a step parent if she won’t keep things fair.

Sincerely hope there are no step children in your family

I’m a good step parent, so I will disagree with you on that.

All kids are equal in a step family. Sorry but true. If you don’t like that- then don’t have a step family. Extremely simple

Pippinbird
Give over with your sanctimonious lecturing about step families. Each to their own. Doesn't make you a better step parent.

Yeah, this. How exactly is OP the bad guy in a scenario where she’s been left by a gambling addict who has cleaned his family out? If you want to get on a soapbox about step families, start your own thread

He's not going to be her step son by the time the children get the money so it's totally irrelevant.

@lurker1000 - a lot of the advice here may be well meant but not necessarily accurate or useful.

You need QUALIFIED LEGAL ADVICE as a matter of urgency:-

1. To prevent your inheritance from bring at risk of becoming part of marital assets

1. To retrieve your car/avoid paying for a car you paid for but is being kept and driven by your estranged husband.

Being.... not bring!

Thank you - and sorry if I caused an upset re DSS - I love him dearly but just don't think my mum and dad would have expected me to share their life savings.

I'm sitting here lost - hoping that he hasn't gambled the money and that maybe he's taken the money to use as a deposit for a flat - but even then, that's hardly ideal...

My sister is back on Saturday, I will speak to her then - I'm working from home and as long as I can keep on a brave face for the kids, I can make it through today and tomorrow. I keep bursting into tears randomly which isn't ideal..!

I appreciate your point of view, but the money in question was inherited from the OP’s parents.

It is one thing for the OP to include step-children in her will, it is quite another thing for grandparents or parents to do so.

Presumably the OP’s step-child has a set of his own biological grandparents who might include him in their wills. Why should this child benefit from yet another couples’ or individuals’ estates?

Obviously it might depend on how long the child has been in the family, and the relationships or bonds that have been formed.

But I’m sorry to say that step-children don’t automatically get an equal share in wills. Nor should they, necessarily. It’s the ‘blood is thicker than water’ thing. Right or wrong.

You’re still wrong.

So just an update - he came home last night - wants me to write him a letter saying that we are no longer a couple so he can apply for housing. Made it very clear that he wants some of my inheritance 'as he is entitled to'. Still maintaining that its my fault we are breaking up for excluding my DSS from the inheritance Will not repay the money to the joint account because he is focused on getting a new house

I can't actually communicate with him. I've blocked him on my phone as it's just non stop horrible texts. I've been awake all night - he left before kids and I were up this morning.

I very much doubt that he won't put the mortgage and car money he stole back because he's using it for his new house. He's already gambled it away. Get legal advice quickly OP and get your children's inheritance safe. What a shit of a man who tries to steal from his own children. If he wanted to provide for his elder son, he wouldn't have wasted all his own money.