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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gambling husband left me

126 replies

lurker1000 · 30/06/2022 07:27

So a long time lurker…
My husband left me yesterday and I’m broken.
He’s a gambling addict – horrific for last four years – constant relapse, thousands gambled, lies constant and the usual promises.
He hasn’t gambled for the last five months – after almost a breakdown.
It seemed like things were back to normal – I’ve always really loved him.
But I got a funny feeling two weeks ago – I just know by his behaviours.
My dad died recently (my mum died 4 years ago) and I have just got inheritance after settling estate.
I’m cautious about bringing any money into the house for obvious reasons and I explained that I was going to put it away for our DC (12 and 8) so they have a nest egg from their grandparents (who adored them) when they turn 21.
This hasn’t gone down well at all – I’m ‘disgusting’ for not giving a share to my stepson.
I explained that I used the surplus to buy a five star, all inclusive holiday for all five of us.
But he announced yesterday morning that he was leaving and wouldn’t be back.
He has cleared the money out of the joint account which means the mortgage and his car payment won’t get paid tomorrow.
The only message I have had is to ask me to buy him out of the house.
I wish I was stronger, but I’m just heartbroken.
I really am and feeling pathetic.

OP posts:

User838960 · 30/06/2022 12:09

I know previous posters have said this but honestly nothing means more to a gambler than money and nothing else is important enough for them to stop - partner, children, the gambling comes before everything. Please try not to take it to heart and just be glad you were smart enough not to let him get his hands on that money.

My ex gambled, I was naïve to it and thought he could surely just easily STOP. He did very similar. Gaslit me, blamed me for everything, ended the relationship, said I made his life more difficult. Then admitted a few weeks later he had gambled every penny he had and that's why he pushed me away.

I know it's no consolation right now, but it's not you.

user1471538283 · 30/06/2022 12:12

Nothing means anything to a gambler. He left you because you wouldn't let him have the money. That's all you are to him, a means to get money to gamble.

Talk to the bank and tell it what he has done. Explain that you cannot cover the overdraft.

If you are paying for the car you want it back otherwise tell the finance company to go and get it.

I know this sounds harsh but I have been there. Gamblers refuse to stop. And whilst some people call it an addiction my ex chose to do it. He would see us homeless and he still wouldn't stop.

This man will ruin you if you let him come back. You need to think of you and the children now.

Rainbowshine · 30/06/2022 12:13

Call the bank and tell them what he’s done, asap.

If it’s too painful to think about the way he’s behaved then focus on the practical things now, and when the immediate tasks are done you could take time to reflect and get support. I think there’s a support group for family of gamblers and through work there might be an employee helpline that can give advice like the Citizens Advice Bureau and counselling, potentially.

What he’s done shows his priorities, he’s put your and the children’s home at risk and for me that’s not compatible with continuing the relationship. He could have got help with the gambling if it was an addiction.

on I player Paul Merson (ex footballer) has a documentary about his gambling addiction, might not be right time to watch it but it may be something that you want to see when you feel ready.

k1233 · 30/06/2022 12:40

Get rid of his car (unless you need it). You'll need to pay the repayments so you don't impact your credit rating, but do everything you can to drop anything that relates to him.

Put no money where he can get it - he's shown you he is happy to take it all and leave you in a hole. For me it would be over due to this. You and your children are not a priority for him.

You'll need legal advice so you only pay what you need to pay to get him out of your life.

Pippinbird · 30/06/2022 12:46

Holidayworries · 30/06/2022 12:03

How does he think the mortgage and his car payment will be met?

Clearly out of the inheritance.

OP hasn’t actually put the money in a trust etc have you? Just it was your intention for when they turn 21.

LondonWolf · 30/06/2022 12:49

So he picked a fight so that he could make the excuse to himself that he should clear the accounts. The money will be lost by the end of the week, perhaps even the end of today and he will come crawling back trying to grasp the money you've got coming. My ex H is an alcoholic and gambling addict. Can't count the amount of times he picked a fight to justify the worst behaviours possible. His actions are nothing to do with anything you did. The only way this would not have happened is if you'd just unquestioningly handed all your inheritance over and even then you'd just have been postponing a similar situation. All the years you've been together were always headed to the point. It was inevitable because his real and only love is gambling.

I'm sorry. I have no advice just understanding.

Original poster

lurker1000 · 30/06/2022 12:50

No I've not put in trust - but I think I should - he wants me to buy him out of the house and he knows that I would use inheritance to do that. Just hurts like hell just now, I wish I was angrier and not so hurt!

OP posts:

LondonWolf · 30/06/2022 12:51

Clearly out of the inheritance.

Yes, this is his way of getting his hands on the OP's money. Remove the money that was meant for those costs and force her to spend the inheritance.

SerendipitySunshine · 30/06/2022 12:52

Has he taken the car? If not, can you return it? Do his wages go into your account?

Pippinbird · 30/06/2022 12:52

I think it was pretty shitty to leave out the sdc to be fair but he is just using that as an excuse because he is running away from his gambling problems.

However, you gave him a really good excuse by excluding your sdc yet expecting them to be grateful for a holiday you organised.
If you didn’t want to treat the children equally then you shouldn’t have got together with someone who already had a child.

Original poster

lurker1000 · 30/06/2022 12:53

thanks @LondonWolf - that's what hurts the most. I booked an amazing holiday for all of us (our two kids, plus my stepson) as a surprise. I said that I was using the extra money as the rest was going away for our kids future. And boom - this was the reason for him leaving - he was angry I didn't put money aside for my stepson. So emptied the account and left.

OP posts:

BackToTheTop · 30/06/2022 12:54

Get rid of the car, ring the finance and tell them what's happened and ask them to take the car back. If he won't return the car involve the police.

Original poster

lurker1000 · 30/06/2022 12:55

@Pippinbird I understand your point and of course my stepson would get from my inheritance, but I chose to put my mum and dad's savings away for their grandchildren. They only seen sdc very briefly and weren't close at all.

I genuinely thought that booking a holiday would be lovely for us.

I know that not everyone would agree but it felt the right thing to do.

OP posts:

Beamur · 30/06/2022 12:56

Can you cancel the holiday?
I really don't think you should countenance any reconciliation here. He's shown you loud and clear what his motivation in being with you is about.

Beamur · 30/06/2022 12:57

Btw I wouldn't share an inheritance from my parents with my SC either. It's not unreasonable to want it to go to your children only.

MadeForThis · 30/06/2022 12:57

Cancel the holiday if you can. Freeze the bank account. Speak to a solicitor.

Would he have a claim on the inheritance when you divorce?

LondonWolf · 30/06/2022 13:00

he was angry I didn't put money aside for my stepson. So emptied the account and left

No he wasn't. He really wasn't. He is angry that no money was directly coming to him so he used that as an excuse. Such decisions should be discussed, not used as an excuse to storm out and clear the account. Tbh though I'm not sure it is up to you to provide a share of your inheritance with your step child. He has two parents already to do that doesn't he?

LondonWolf · 30/06/2022 13:01

lurker1000 · 30/06/2022 12:55

I genuinely thought that booking a holiday would be lovely for us.

I know that not everyone would agree but it felt the right thing to do.

And you are right to think this way.

LIZS · 30/06/2022 13:02

Highly doubtful ss would have seen any money you set aside. You have gone well beyond by standing by him with his gambling habit. Phone mortgage company today and see if they can offer any support or break. Is he also on the mortgage? Can you sell/return the car? Cancel holiday?

Eatingchips · 30/06/2022 13:05

Gosh how manipulative and controlling a man he is? As well as being a problem gambler.

You know that it is you who needs to change not him? You deserve so much better than he has to offer, you know that?

Pippinbird · 30/06/2022 13:05

lurker1000 · 30/06/2022 12:55

I genuinely thought that booking a holiday would be lovely for us.

I know that not everyone would agree but it felt the right thing to do.

True but they have now passed on. I’m sure they would want to see you and your dc happy.

Money shouldn’t be diving your family like it already has with the gambling. This money could keep your family together but it’s diving you because you’re separating the children.

Even if you didn’t want the money from your parents going to the stepson directly, you should have said you will make a provision that your sdc will get the equivalent at 21 (eg from both your savings)

Can you imagine how that would feel to your stepson that on his 21st he was the only one not to get a lump sum?? That’s hurtful.

But your husband is using this an an excuse, to run away and use this as cover.

But I see it two problems. Not one.

*You should have treated the kids equally (although DH shouldn’t be able to get his hands on anything)

*Gambling addicted husband, who you probably know will come back at some point when the money has ran out. You just need to figure out if you’re going to take him back, because he will come back.

Sandra1984 · 30/06/2022 13:05

Now you know the reason he was with you. It was not love that for sure.

sleepymum50 · 30/06/2022 13:11

I’m another one who thinks he’s doing this just so you back down. I reckon he would come back if you told him “ oh I’m so sorry, yes of course you can have access to the money”

But of course you won’t do this because I’m guessing you’re not unbelievably stupid.

But either he must be that stupid, or at think that you are to pull this stunt. Neither of these scenarios put you in the wrong. And yes the gambling is more important to him than you.

He has done you a favour - now you truly see where his loyalties lie. I hope you find your anger as the days go bye and don’t back down.

Im so sorry for you, sending you strength to carry on.

ShandaLear · 30/06/2022 13:13

Pippinbird · 30/06/2022 12:52

I think it was pretty shitty to leave out the sdc to be fair but he is just using that as an excuse because he is running away from his gambling problems.

Don’t be ridiculous. The SC has their own parents and grandparents to inherit from.

SquirrelSoShiny · 30/06/2022 13:13

File today before he starts begging to come back. He has handed you your best chance of escape. Take it and run.

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