Gambling husband left me

[lurker1000]

So a long time lurker…
My husband left me yesterday and I’m broken.
He’s a gambling addict – horrific for last four years – constant relapse, thousands gambled, lies constant and the usual promises.
He hasn’t gambled for the last five months – after almost a breakdown.
It seemed like things were back to normal – I’ve always really loved him.
But I got a funny feeling two weeks ago – I just know by his behaviours.
My dad died recently (my mum died 4 years ago) and I have just got inheritance after settling estate.
I’m cautious about bringing any money into the house for obvious reasons and I explained that I was going to put it away for our DC (12 and 8) so they have a nest egg from their grandparents (who adored them) when they turn 21.
This hasn’t gone down well at all – I’m ‘disgusting’ for not giving a share to my stepson.
I explained that I used the surplus to buy a five star, all inclusive holiday for all five of us.
But he announced yesterday morning that he was leaving and wouldn’t be back.
He has cleared the money out of the joint account which means the mortgage and his car payment won’t get paid tomorrow.
The only message I have had is to ask me to buy him out of the house.
I wish I was stronger, but I’m just heartbroken.
I really am and feeling pathetic.

How are you doing @lurker1000 hope
youre ok x

You don't need to give your SC any money.

That you have to hide your husband's gambling from your friends is a huge burden.

Keep the money in an account for your children when they are 25, after they have graduated and worked a while and know how hard money is. You don't want your ex H tricking your sons to give him their money when they are 21. 25 is more mature.

change the locks.

When the thousand pounds run out, he will come back into the home and sell your jewelry. Stash it hidden.

Honestly, life after ad addict of any kind is so wonderful and freeing. It must hurt right now, and you're in shock, but the weight of addiction is heavy on the entire family. Don't let his dirty secret be yours. Share it with friends and family, ask for support.

He's not automatically entitled to your inheritance - speak to a solicitor ASAP. It's in your favour that you have kept it in a separate pot, as it shows that you never considered it joint money.

HAHA Council housing? He wont get anywhere unless he has a kid living with him Full time and it can take months or years even then!

Honestly get yourself to a solicitor, explain he wants your inheritance because he has gambling addictions.

Get your car back as its in your name.

He's just awful op,concentrate on you and your kids,its hard to start with but it does get easier x

Call a solicitor, today. I know it hurts like hell but you need to make the call.

This is the worst day, the only way from here is up.

But please protect yourself and make that call.

It's has nothing to do with stepson. It was a convenient excuse that he could use to blame you. If it wasn't this, it would have been something else.

It makes total sense to use your parents money to your children. And that how it usually goes outside if mumsnet. Lawyer up, take all your valuables outside your house. Get proof of him taking money from joint account to use in himself and everything regarding the inheritance so your lawyer can help you protect it.

If your mortgage is due out today and it's not going to be paid then you need to talk to your mortgage company ASAP, defaulting on a mortgage is bad news. They will be surprisingly helpful but don't just default on payments. Talk to them. I hope you get through this OP, he sounds awful.

Bugger...I didn't realise I was posting on an old thread! I hope your OK OP.

Thanks to everyone who replied - I thought I should give an update - we have hobbled through summer - I know, I know - I've known that he was probably gambling the whole time - the moods were horrendous, disappearing etc. We went on the holiday - he told me the day before he had no spending money but the kids had a good time which was all I wanted.

Two weeks ago I confronted him - he's been in a mood since until this week when he asked for £400 - to pay back money from his mum that he had gambled and for petrol (he was travelling for work). It's a new job and I only had £150 which I gave him. I'm actually hating myself for this when I'm writing it.

He gave the £150 to his mum and immediately asked for more - when I said I didn't have anything else, he was just horrible. Told me in no uncertain terms that he won't be paying any bills from now on 'so you can know what its like to need money' and today he went to a divorce lawyer (a friend) and has started proceedings.

I'm not stupid and I know that I have been an absolute idiot, I just naively thought that things would be better, that he would go to GA, that my kids wouldn't have to deal with us splitting. I'm not coping at all with any of it. I know it's the inevitable and I know that in the long run, it can only be for the best. I've contacted a solicitor and I have an appointment on Tuesday. I'm just a mess - not really sure why I'm sharing. I feel like a fool.

Op don't be too hard on yourself
Anyone who has lived with an addict will understand, but now it's time to look after yourself and the kids

If it makes you feel any better I took my alcoholic husband back after 1.5 years last month
Even though I could write a million stories of what a shit he was including getting pissed with our baby first thing in the morning !
The bastard came back for 24hrs and then dumped me and went back to his gf , on our wedding anniversary!
It's so easy to be judgemental of other peoples situations but you never know what you will do or feel when you are actually in them

Oh @fedup078 - my heart goes out to you - It honestly doesn't make me feel better that others are in same boat - sending lots of love xx

Look at it as the final confirmation that he was only with you for your money.

I hope the money you inherited is still safe?

@noirchatsdeux
Yeah that's still in a separate account - I think he is hoping that the divorce will send some his way - he did tell me after his meeting with solicitor that I am liable for half his gambling debts (50k) but I will speak to my solicitor on Tuesday. Just reeling.

He won't leave either - no where to go I guess - not paying mortgage etc. Says will go when it is all finalised.

I'd out the money into a trust for the dc so he can't get his hands in the inheritance during the divorce

What a despicable man. You need urgent legal advice OP to protect yourself and your money. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I am so sorry to hear your update. What a terrible time you have had of it. It may seem hard to advertise but you really are better off without him. He is 100% TAKE and you are an empty well. Please don't give him any more of yourself.

Money is the only important thing to him. He is seeing divorce as just another opportunity to get some money.

Get angry and protect yourself.

I’m really, really sorry but to an addict we are just the supplier of money to feed the addiction. My ex-h nearly bankrupted me.
My advice ( from bitter experience!) would be invest/put away your inheritance in the children’s names ( put it in Premium Bonds if you’re stuck for what to do straight away) so your husband can’t touch it.
Contact your mortgage company and car finance company ASAP. Explain what has happened. They’ve dealt with this before.
Make sure you claim everything you can.
Stop access to all money for your husband. You can ask for the joint account to be frozen so he doesn’t arrange an overdraft and drain that.
Have your locks changed. Addicts can get nasty when their money is cut off ( mine threatened to kill me) Refuse to engage with him unless it’s in writing via email. Be firm.
This will get better. 💐

This is an interesting article about divorce and gambling debts. https://www.leaderlive.co.uk/news/19444941.responsible-half-husbands-gambling-debts-divorce/]

I'm so sorry to hear your update. Really nothing has changed. If he is seeking legal advice you need to get this sorted asap. Don't believe anything he tells you, highly doubtful he could foist his gambling debt onto you but all the more reason to seek legal advice! I think you didnt want to admit to yourself it was over. But it well and truely is and the longer this goes on the higher the debt and the more chance he has to start doing things fraudulently in your name. Did you do that credit check?! The person you knew is gone. He is not coming back, maybe one day once he is 'clean' from his addiction if that ever happens. But by then after all the damage and suffering caused and when you see how much better off you are alone I doubt you are going to want him back! You've got this. You can do it. All you need is to push yourself to make the first steps and the rest will begin to fall into place. What he is doing to you is inhuman, it is not what you do to someone you love. He is treating you as a cash point, simply a free money vending machine where he doesn't have to pay anything in! This stops now. He is never going to get the serious help he needs whilst you are there to keep bailing him out, he needs to hit that rock bottom. And he might even then still be in denial and blame you but actually he only has himself to blame. Don't take any more of his crap, you are worth far far more!

Good luck 💐