DH threw my phone at the wall

[Moonshine160]

Me and DH have been together for 13 years. We have 1 DC together (3 years old) and another on the way, I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant.
We have the occasional argument but certainly nothing ever aggressive or violent and our relationship for the most part is happy, until today.

DH has been doing a lot of work on the garden for weeks now. It’s a large garden and originally he was landscaping a small part of it but he’s got carried away and is now redoing half the garden. This started last summer, stopped over winter and he started again this April. Unless it’s raining he’s out there digging most evenings and weekends, leaving me to take care of DC and the pregnancy exhaustion is beginning to take over. I sometimes feel like a single parent because I work (just Mon-weds), then do all the cooking, cleaning and taking care of DC. He seems to think this is easy. While I appreciate him doing all the labour in the garden, he’s got a bit obsessed with it and he could pay someone to help him. We aren’t rich but we have savings for someone to come and do it, but DH has renovated our whole house over time and “likes projects” in his words. So he wants to do it on his own.

I tried to speak to him about this earlier and it immediately escalated into an argument with him getting defensive. He said that I’m spoilt, need to stop moaning and that I don’t understand what hard work is and that I’ve never had a hard days work in my life. Then he called me a dickhead so I told him to fuck off, which I’m ashamed to admit was in front of our 3 year old DS. He said “what did you just say to me?” And came towards me, I honestly thought he was going to hit me but he snatched my phone out of my hand and threw it hard at the door. Then he went over to it, saw that he hadn’t broken it so threw it even harder at the wall. It’s caused damage to it along the bottom but somehow didn’t break, but it has dented the wall. Then he took the phone and hid it so I couldn’t find it.

I have been in tears for two hours which I’ve been trying to hide from DS. DS witnessed all of this and was absolutely petrified and screaming. I am genuinely scared of my husband, he’s never reacted like that but it’s showed me what he’s capable of. I could go to my mums house but I don’t know what to do long term. DS won’t let DH near him now and keeps saying he doesn’t want daddy to be mad and that he’s scared of daddy. DH is now saying that I’ve turned DS against him because I’ve been crying this evening and it’s me that’s scaring him by crying, rather than because he lost it. And he said afterwards “that’s what you get when you tell me to fuck off”. I have never seen this side to him. What do I do?

@Moonshine160, completely understand your feelings however the issue is with him. For whatever reason he has chosen to disengage from your relationship. That isn't your fault. You are lovable and deserve to be treated well.

Any good partner talks to their spouse, they don't check out and then become abusive when called on it. I suspect his issues stem from childhood and there is likely to be history that you may or may not be aware of.

Also be aware that this type of man frequently becomes vindictive during divorce as they see it as punishment for daring to stand up to him and ultimately leave. You maybe accused of being being abusive and of taking his child away from him. Finances are often used as a way to make you regret leaving.

The fact he hasn't been able to acknowledge his aggression does suggest it would happen again. It's so painful to end a marriage but I don't think you have any choice. I left because I was aware of the impact on my children as had I stayed I know the behaviour would have continued.
Many people have been walked your path so there will be support out there for you.

@justasking111 In which way is it dramatic?

You are amazing

And very strong

I wish I had been as strong

It gets easier

Well done OP.

You are super strong.

If he apologises in any recordable format (or even just gives you a verbal apology, which you can cite) ... he's admitted what he's done.

Which could then be used in any future divorce, police, child access etc case.

He's not very reported to the police or any agency so far, right? Hes probably trying to make sure he's not admitting to anything or saying anything incriminating in case he is, now he knows you're not letting him gas light you abd accepting it.

He's got his self protecting, shrewd, selfish head on, so I guess you need to too.

Also, from his behaviour and the apparent values, he probably genuinely doesn't think get really done anything wrong and should "lower" himself to apologise. He thinks he had the right to act that way.

The history of verbal abuse in arguments (and the apparent financial abuse) seems to back that up. He's not a well adjusted person, he doesn't seem to see you as his equal.

How much he "cares" or not is secondary.

Just another update on the situation. I still feel as heartbroken as I did a few days ago. DH has seen DS, accompanied by DS’s aunt and cousin who are aware of the situation. DH has bought DS loads of new toys, like he’s trying to buy his side. We’ve had some text communication and just like you guys expected he would, he has said that what happened was my fault because I made him that angry that I pushed him to behave in that way. I asked him why I’ve had no apology and if he thinks it was acceptable and all he said was “I’m not talking about it. You’re just trying to cause arguments again”. So all my fault apparently.

Just goes to show you've made the right call. I'm sorry it ended up this way but it's better when he just threw your phone than waiting for him to throw a fist x

It's your fault, you made me angry.

The mantra of the abuser.

Keep it in mind while you go through your divorce.

He's an absolute prick. I'm glad you got away.

awful man

So what next op?

Where will you stay long term?

Why is it they get to intimidate us and we have to leave our homes and find refuge elsewhere

NOBODY 'pushed him to behave that way'.

You & your DS and unborn child are safer away from this man.

So basically "You made me do it"

I'm so glad that you got away, OP.

I know it's hard now but he's actually making it easier for you in the long run, at least he's not promising change and making you doubt yourself and wonder if you should go back. It's a lot to deal with all at once and especially when you're pregnant but the pain would have been much more prolonged if he'd lured you back and then done it again, let alone the additional psychological damage to you and DS.

You have done everything right, something lots of us wish we'd done with hindsight as it would have saved so much trauma. It sounds trite but you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other for now, get through each day as best you can and wait for the day you wake up and feel better, it will come. Once a little time has passed and your head is clear (minimal contact with him is vital for this) you can start to make plans and see a life after him but for now you just have to keep getting through the days. We're here if you need us

This.

I've just read your update OP, thanks for letting us know how you are.

It's not your fault.

Did you contact women's aid? They can help with emotional support.

Oh Op, it’s so hurtful when you watch someone you love take your personal belongings and smash them up. But then to have insult added to injury by them turning it around on you is gut wrenching. You need to time process that and come to the realisation that he is not your friend. He is on the other team. You now need to ensure you get the best arrangement for you and your children going forward. I’m glad you are getting legal advice. No more asking for apologies or explanations. It’s not going to come. See him for who he really is. I hope your parents and good friends can give you all the emotion and practical support you need IRL. There are are also lots of very knowledgeable and supportive people here who have been where you are and can offer you good practical advice. Even though it feels like it right now, you are not alone in this.

Thank you everyone. Yes I contacted Women’s Aid, they gave me lots of helpful advice and support. I also have a solicitors appointment scheduled soon. In terms of housing I’m not sure about that one yet and that’s what upsets me most for DS. It’s his home :( I feel like I should be on the ball with sorting it out but it’s very likely I’m going to have to have a scheduled c section so my mum has said she would like me to stay with them for a while so she can help me between her working. Which is incredibly kind but I feel like I’m causing a lot of disruption for them.

@Moonshine160 you might well be causing disruption but as a mother I would far rather that be the case than you go back to a rapidly declining home environment. Let your mum look after you, just because you're an adult doesn't mean she won't do that willingly. Take care of yourself and the DC.

I agree, I would take my dd in, & support her in a heartbeat, whatever disruption it might cause

Let your Mum help you. You're at your most vulnerable, and there will be plenty of time to be independent when you're ready to.

OP left the very day it happened. Please rtft!!

How are you doing op?

@Moonshine160 How are you doing OP ?

Still absolutely broken and now I’m having to have growth scans because baby is dropping centiles which I blame myself for because I’ve hardly been able to eat! Still at my mums for now with DS. DH is having contact with him though and I think he’s only just started to panic that I’m actually serious and im leaving him. I think he expected I would go back and I haven’t.

Oh OP do not blame yourself! you caused NONE of this. I'm sure baby will be fine. Your medical team will advise and support you.