DH threw my phone at the wall

[Moonshine160]

Me and DH have been together for 13 years. We have 1 DC together (3 years old) and another on the way, I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant.
We have the occasional argument but certainly nothing ever aggressive or violent and our relationship for the most part is happy, until today.

DH has been doing a lot of work on the garden for weeks now. It’s a large garden and originally he was landscaping a small part of it but he’s got carried away and is now redoing half the garden. This started last summer, stopped over winter and he started again this April. Unless it’s raining he’s out there digging most evenings and weekends, leaving me to take care of DC and the pregnancy exhaustion is beginning to take over. I sometimes feel like a single parent because I work (just Mon-weds), then do all the cooking, cleaning and taking care of DC. He seems to think this is easy. While I appreciate him doing all the labour in the garden, he’s got a bit obsessed with it and he could pay someone to help him. We aren’t rich but we have savings for someone to come and do it, but DH has renovated our whole house over time and “likes projects” in his words. So he wants to do it on his own.

I tried to speak to him about this earlier and it immediately escalated into an argument with him getting defensive. He said that I’m spoilt, need to stop moaning and that I don’t understand what hard work is and that I’ve never had a hard days work in my life. Then he called me a dickhead so I told him to fuck off, which I’m ashamed to admit was in front of our 3 year old DS. He said “what did you just say to me?” And came towards me, I honestly thought he was going to hit me but he snatched my phone out of my hand and threw it hard at the door. Then he went over to it, saw that he hadn’t broken it so threw it even harder at the wall. It’s caused damage to it along the bottom but somehow didn’t break, but it has dented the wall. Then he took the phone and hid it so I couldn’t find it.

I have been in tears for two hours which I’ve been trying to hide from DS. DS witnessed all of this and was absolutely petrified and screaming. I am genuinely scared of my husband, he’s never reacted like that but it’s showed me what he’s capable of. I could go to my mums house but I don’t know what to do long term. DS won’t let DH near him now and keeps saying he doesn’t want daddy to be mad and that he’s scared of daddy. DH is now saying that I’ve turned DS against him because I’ve been crying this evening and it’s me that’s scaring him by crying, rather than because he lost it. And he said afterwards “that’s what you get when you tell me to fuck off”. I have never seen this side to him. What do I do?

It feels like it's out of nowhere, but is it actually?

He's been verbally abusive, and somehow any spare money from your joint household ends up solely in his savings account (!)

The "that's what youll get if ..." suggests he sees himself as the boss, the head of the household, the authority. That you're a child he disciplines.

I think Lundy Bancroft said that an abuser's household is an autocracy (never a democracy). Sometimes that can be subtle.

He thinks he has the right to damage your vital possessions, and to deprive you of them. The latter like a child being punished/disciplined.

Some significant values are behind that. Another key point of the Bancroft book is that abuser is due to their values, to hw they see relationships ... not due to "anger" issues.

*abuse

As others have pointed out, its easy for some men to seem OK qgwn there's no real need to be unselfish, to compromise etc.

But when compromise, forbearance, tolerance, "unselfishness" etc has to be produced- as it does so much with babies and young children- then you see their nature. He seems too selfish and single minded (on top of the disturbing values he seems to hold re a relationship; me boss, you subordinate) to ve a good partner and Dad.

What he's doing now is pure fast lighting.

I'll pretend it didn't happen, or if it did happen, it was nothing ..... and that she's blowing everything out of proportion, and she'll go along with it because she's not going to want to break up with a 3 yr old, and my baby on the way.

*gas lighting, obviously

When I left I didn't know what my favourite takeaway was, or music, or
what colour I wanted to decorate, etc. I didn't make demands or advocate
for my own needs. Because gradually and subtly I'd constantly let him
make choicesa dn put himself first every time. If I chose something he'd
say he didn't like it, preferred something he liked, did I remember
that last thing he'd chosen and how good it was, or what a shame he
hadnt seen X last week as I'd been poorly and needed him to stay home,
etc......But not in an arsy or aggressive way. Just in a very low level
way each time until I started just letting him choose. Not saying what I
wanted. Not demanding time. Not demanding support. Not making waves. 😔

Great post @phoneybaloney

The insipid undercurrent of selfishness, the giving way to please or keep peace.

You end up neglecting yourself for their needs, it's an entrenched self entitlement that becomes more apparent as the years go on. Op it's his show, and everything he does is for him, don't be fooled that it's for the family.

You will realise one day that his stubborness and selfisheness will turn into aggression as you try to regain some sort of equality in the relationship.

I'm afraid he's been damaged somewhere along the line but you needn't be the one who has to put up with his warped thinking. He solves things by excerting control, anger, violence and fear, not the actions of a peace loving, kind, gentle husband and father.

As I say a deficient human, who has not been taught to not hurt others who are weaker than him, that shows a cruel nature.

Yuk, now don't you feel disgusted knowing such a weak specimen, go and protect your children and don't allow him to show aggression and fear in front of your children. Your poor lad must have been terrified.

💯

Isn't that so very true

Thinking of you OP
Life will get better I have been through it all
Kept it a secret for a long time

Now that we are out we are so so happy and so free

Well done, OP. I was in tears after reading your posts. Stay strong. Aside from getting the solicitor ready, you also need to make sure your support network (family, close friends etc) are on your side. The fact that your DS said something to your parents has helped. Show them this thread. Do you have a picture of the hole on the door? Wishing you the very best of luck .

I think it’s all just hit me and my heart is breaking. This time last week I literally had a different life and felt like a completely different person. How am I meant to comprehend that? I just can’t. I need to stay calm for the sake of my unborn baby but I can’t, I feel like I’m breaking down every second.

I even feel sorry for him because I’m leaving him when I know I shouldn’t but I just can’t help it. I feel like I’m breaking this family apart but I know I’ve got no choice because I’ll never ever get over what he did and I can’t risk DS seeing anything like that again.

Yes I’ve taken photos of the hole in the door and the dent in the wall. DS goes to preschool two days a week, I’ve told them this morning that me and DH are now living separately and that I have left following an incident on Sunday. They asked if me and DS are ok and safe and I said yes and told them where we’re currently living, they didn’t ask any further questions.

I just can’t believe all of this. I feel broken and numb at the same time.

I feel like I’m breaking this family apart but I know I’ve got no choice because I’ll never ever get over what he did and I can’t risk DS seeing anything like that again.

You're not breaking the family apart, OP. That's what he's done. Don't take the blame and guilt on yourself. He is the one who chose to manipulate and abuse you. He's the one who chose to gaslight and lie to you. He's the one who's made it impossible to be a family with him.

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong

He broke the family apart with his violent behaviour, not you. You have 100% done the right thing by leaving. Start your divorce petition and prepare for your life alone - you will be fine. You know this would have happened again. You know worse things would have happened. Once men drop the mask, that's usually it. Your husband has shown himself for what he is - no remorse, immediately blaming you, complete denial. He is an abuser.

You are being so brave and doing the right thing for yourself and your son. You're allowed to feel sad, please know this isn't your fault ❤

I even feel sorry for him because I’m leaving him when I know I shouldn’t but I just can’t help it. I feel like I’m breaking this family apart but I know I’ve got no choice because I’ll never ever get over what he did and I can’t risk DS seeing anything like that again.

Keep repeating: You have no choice, this is something that you were forced to do.
You didn't choose to leave. You were happy until a violent and abusive incident was done to you and you had to leave to ensure your own safety and the wellbeing of your babies. You didn't break this family apart - his actions did. Remember that.

I also remember feeling sorry for my ex. Like @phoneybaloney says, the creeping of the conditioning you get in relationships like this so you get to a point where HIS feelings are at the forefront of your mind all the time. And you get used to putting his wishes, needs, wants and feelings first and yours at the back of the queue until it becomes entirely normal.

Then something like this happens and you are experiencing a type of grief - you have 'lost' the man you married. You lost your hopes and dreams and that expectation that you'd both grow old together. Grief is so powerful that it's rushing to the forefront and vying with the 'old) normal you had where his feelings came first always. You'll probably bounce between the two for a while.

After a few weeks I found my anger but it was a very confusing time for me to feel sorry for him for his actions, for how he felt about how he assaulted me. Like Phony, I had to relearn how to have feelings, starting with grief.

My GP was great - he advised me to get a journal, and write letters to him in it.

OP, please get all the necessary paperwork you need out of the house. Make a tick list of all of these things. I’m sorry to say once he realises he can’t sweet talk you round, you will likely see the real man unmasked and he could turn very nasty with you. It would be typical abuser behaviour. I was with my ex for 26 years and saw occasional minor flashes of the bubbling cauldron of anger that was just beneath the surface but he would always blame someone or something else. Once it all came to a head (pathological lying and cheating) and I told him It was over for good, i was shocked at what the unmasked creature looked like. Nasty doesn’t even cover it. 15 years later, when I think of it, I’m still triggered by the shock I felt at the time. You are doing the right thing and NO you are not breaking up your family, he is. He CHOSE his behaviour, he had a million other choices as to how he dealt with the situation and he CHOSE violence. You are not responsible for his behaviour then or now.

you might want to consider logging it with the police just so it is on record if he does decide to turn on you. Speak to Womens aid for advice on this.

sending you strength and support for your journey ahead. 💐

Hi OP, it's normal to feel like this. You've not only experienced a huge amount of change all of a sudden, you are also mourning the loss of your relationship because the man you were with is not the man you thought he was. That's a huge amount to process.

Just remember, this isn't your fault - he is the one responsible for breaking up your family by acting in an abusive way. You absolutely have no choice to leave him, because your first duty is to protect your child.

Try not to think too much about the bigger picture and just focus on one day and one step at a time.

Please don’t be hard on yourself. You are doing the right thing. You are an amazing mum doing her best.

I ignored and minimised my situation for years. Finally leaving when DC was 5. I spent nearly 18 months living my parents. It’s still hard sometimes but much easier than where I was. Being a single parent is the best thing that ever happened to me.

You are going to create a new beautiful life for you and your children.

Leave, go to your mums, and when you and your child are safe call the police, report him. Also previous name call and swearing at you in an argument isn’t healthy or normal and sounds like it’s part of a pattern of escalating abuse. Sorry you are going though this, this is enough to leave over. Please look after yourself.

Read. The. Full. Thread.

He sees you as his property now. Attempting to destroy your phone (an extension of yourself) is an attempt to sever your connection with the outside world. As his property, you do not need the outside world. You don't need an identity. You don't need support. You're not a person... you're a thing. His thing.

The fact that he would treat you this way when you're pregnant is beyond reprehensible. My guess is that there were red flags since the beginning of your involvement. "Love" makes us ignore the obvious sometimes... especially when kids are involved.

As an extension of your person, his offense against your phone is what he'd really like to do to you. There's nothing to say that someday, it won't be your body on the receiving end of that rage.

It will not get better. He is to be shown no mercy. Make a plan to leave him and start now. Whatever you do, make sure he doesn't find out. Slowly but surely plot your way out of this disastrous course. You can do this. If his violence escalates in the meantime, find a covert way to record this behavior.

Take photos of your broken phone with another device and save those as a first entry into the log of his abusive behavior. Save the files on a thumb drive, 2 copies. Hide one in a place that he never looks in and preferably has no access to. Keep the other one somewhere just as safe. Keep them both updated as new evidence comes in.

Your children have now witnessed his abuse. Don't let them grow up thinking it's acceptable to treat people this way, or to allow someone to treat them that way.

This is somewhat dramatic.

I'm not sure the three year old will be a reliable witness @SgtPecker

I’m still a broken mess. There has been no apology from him still or acknowledgement that he has done anything wrong. Although I know it’s over part of me still wanted to feel like he cared and the fact that he doesn’t hurts me even more. I’m staying with my mum and DS to get my head straight for a bit then seeing a solicitor. I just wanted to thank you all for your comments and support, it’s been a real help in what is a very dark time. X

I'm so sorry @Moonshine160 I'd be angry he didn't tell you it's over before now because it's obvious he wanted out if there's no remorse on his part

There will be light again, OP. Trust in that, you've got the arrival of your new baby to look forward to and you've got good family support. Anything else is incidental right now. Look after yourself.

This is his loss, not yours and your DC