DH threw my phone at the wall

[Moonshine160]

Me and DH have been together for 13 years. We have 1 DC together (3 years old) and another on the way, I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant.
We have the occasional argument but certainly nothing ever aggressive or violent and our relationship for the most part is happy, until today.

DH has been doing a lot of work on the garden for weeks now. It’s a large garden and originally he was landscaping a small part of it but he’s got carried away and is now redoing half the garden. This started last summer, stopped over winter and he started again this April. Unless it’s raining he’s out there digging most evenings and weekends, leaving me to take care of DC and the pregnancy exhaustion is beginning to take over. I sometimes feel like a single parent because I work (just Mon-weds), then do all the cooking, cleaning and taking care of DC. He seems to think this is easy. While I appreciate him doing all the labour in the garden, he’s got a bit obsessed with it and he could pay someone to help him. We aren’t rich but we have savings for someone to come and do it, but DH has renovated our whole house over time and “likes projects” in his words. So he wants to do it on his own.

I tried to speak to him about this earlier and it immediately escalated into an argument with him getting defensive. He said that I’m spoilt, need to stop moaning and that I don’t understand what hard work is and that I’ve never had a hard days work in my life. Then he called me a dickhead so I told him to fuck off, which I’m ashamed to admit was in front of our 3 year old DS. He said “what did you just say to me?” And came towards me, I honestly thought he was going to hit me but he snatched my phone out of my hand and threw it hard at the door. Then he went over to it, saw that he hadn’t broken it so threw it even harder at the wall. It’s caused damage to it along the bottom but somehow didn’t break, but it has dented the wall. Then he took the phone and hid it so I couldn’t find it.

I have been in tears for two hours which I’ve been trying to hide from DS. DS witnessed all of this and was absolutely petrified and screaming. I am genuinely scared of my husband, he’s never reacted like that but it’s showed me what he’s capable of. I could go to my mums house but I don’t know what to do long term. DS won’t let DH near him now and keeps saying he doesn’t want daddy to be mad and that he’s scared of daddy. DH is now saying that I’ve turned DS against him because I’ve been crying this evening and it’s me that’s scaring him by crying, rather than because he lost it. And he said afterwards “that’s what you get when you tell me to fuck off”. I have never seen this side to him. What do I do?

Oh OP. What a dreadful shock. Well done on finding the courage to leave now, you've done the best thing for yourself and your DCs. Wishing you all the best.

Sorry to hear all of this op

Stay strong

Get legal advice

Don't do what I did
Do not return

This is how it started in my house
Then he tried to kill me

It only gets worse

Hi Op, you must be in shock so take time to process all the consequences. Have you talked to your parents about it?

I'm not surprised he hasn't apologised as his behaviour yesterday was driven by ego and a need to assert control. Hiding your phone is concerning as it shows he was thinking clearly enough to know he had crossed a line and then tried to stop you getting help.

I never advocate breaking up a marriage unless there is affairs/addictions/abuse. Your H crossed a line yesterday and unless he takes responsibility he is highly likely to repeat it.

When you next anger him, why would he NOT repeat yesterdays behaviour?

Fucking dangerous, “rabidly” anti-women advice.

This man is a pathetic, weak, bullying little prick.

But to think of my husband as being “abusive” - god it feels like I must be talking about a whole other person! Because that’s just not who I thought he was at all.

Quite often people mask their true identities and it’s only when you stick up for yourself or for some people after they’ve become pregnant or married, do their partners show them their true colours.

Or he may have just changed.
People always change usually it’s for the better but sometimes it’s for the worse.

For whatever reason he has changed and has decided he is not happy and so has increasingly checked out of family life and now has started becoming abusive because you questioned it.
The lack of immediate apology is all the proof you need.

Be aware that he may start with the fake apologies or even trying to make you feel guilty about the kids.
Stay as strong as you are being!

It’s really refreshing to read that your parents have let you stay at theirs. There are often threads on here that claim that once DCs are 18+ they’re no longer your responsibility which is awful and I’m glad your parents don’t think like that.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

A lot of the posts accusing mumsnet of being rabidly anti men are from misogynist men imo. Men really aren't victims of oppression by mumsnetters. Agree that telling women to keep abuse secret so the man can save face is dangerous advice. That poster was telling the op her terrified son should have been kept with the person that was terrifying him rather than escaping to her mum's where he felt safer just so the man could save face.

OP, try and guard against feeling rejected by the fact that he isn't 'chasing' you. This is a standard tactic, I see it so often on MN and in truth I have fallen for it myself. The initial issue becomes muddied by one's feelings of being abandoned and somehow gets brushed under the carpet as you focus on the issue of why he hasn't come to find you and apologise. He'll say he felt unworthy, you'll reassure him that he is worthy, and back you'll go, all loved up.

Hi OP,

Hope you are ok?

Just wanted to say that yesterday you said he had been verbally aggressive in the past.

Verbal aggression is just words in place of hands. I'm only saying this so you can remind yourself that you haven't left because of one incident. He was an abuser before it's just that you didn't recognise it.

Well done for keeping yourself and your ds safe.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Sounds like an utter bastard-why is he hiding your phone afterwards and keeping money to himself aswell

working looking after a 3 year old is doing a job

This is all just breaking my heart. My mum has taken DS out for a bit and she said he keeps saying daddy was shouting and I was sad.

Poor little boy. I'm guessing that this has made you realise that you can't put him through any more by going back to this man? I hope so.

This is indeed how it starts. Some of use had even bigger 'starts' that we didn't recognise for what they were. And some of us knew but somehow convinced ourselves it was a once off, stress, an aberration or whatever. We say and do that because it is such a mindfuck to get your head around someone who you may have known intimately for years turns abusive.

Unfortunately, to a woman we can all tell you that it may take them some time to get to the point they are destroying your things in an argument but once they've done that, it gets much easier the next time to throw something of yours, to lift their hand, their fist. And also the time between this incidence and the next will be weeks or days, not months.

And they don't ever change back. I would love to tell you otherwise because I know how badly you must be hoping for that - we all held that hope and it sent us back home to him and kept us there longer than we should have stayed. With bitter hindsight we are all telling you that there is no going back from this. Even if he says or does all the right things you think you need to hear this time the next argument will be flavoured by this. The next time you argue you'll have that fear, he'll have that anger, and your son will have that terror, and all the other ones after that It will become normal, routine even.

That's no life for children. That's no life for you.

I think everyone has said it but well done for getting out. It would have gotten much worse. You've done exactly the right thing for you and your children.

Keep strong, talk to women's aid, lean on those around you when needed

One part of me hoping it was a one off but the other part of me thinks “don’t be stupid, you know how abuse starts”. But to think of my husband as being “abusive” - god it feels like I must be talking about a whole other person!

But he was already abusive, OP. You said so. His name-calling and verbal abuse might have become normalised for you, but that doesn't mean it's in any way acceptable. The threatening and violent behaviour is just him ramping it up to the next level. Do you really want to stick around to find out what the next next level is? None of this is your fault - he is an angry man who thinks he has the right and power to control you and scare you into behaving how he wants you to.

You little boy sound very sweet. Good luck whatever you decide!

I know this awful but your DS reaction and the lack of your DH any taking responsibility and apologising should make this easier to accept it’s over. No woman with an abusive partner went into the relationship thinking he was anything other than nice. It is always a shock when they reveal that other side.

Someone who would display that level of aggression towards his pregnant wife in front of his terrified 3 yr old cannot be trusted to not do it again.

I’m so sorry.

Have you told him why you left, making it clear that this is down to his violence and threats and nothing else?

Is DS in a childcare setting? If he talks about it, questions will be asked and possibly a safeguarding to ensure he is safe - DV in front of a child is child abuse. If so, I'd speak to them next time he goes so that you can tell them there was an incident and you've put things in place.

Good point. It’s obviously had quite an impact on your DS so make sure that his nursery know that you’ve taken steps to protect him. It will work in your favour not against you to tell them what has happened, I promise.

Well done for getting out. He's going to do his best to minimise this - I expect that's why he's not apologising, so he can say you overreacted and try to make you think you're the one in the wrong.

Don t make contact.
Let him stew.
He probably thinks you ll beg him back
See a solicitor and get all your papers for a divorce so you can get informed

I agree with PP, they are never aggressive and violent, until they are! There is always a first time, and once there is, there is no going back. There is no un hearing it and no unseeing it. Once it happens, your world has changed permanently. If you don’t leave now, you have accepted a new world order, one where he dominates you, decides what you can or can’t say to him, what property of yours he can trash if you ‘deserve’ it etc, etc. you say there has been verbal aggression and name calling in the past. I’m sorry but that was the start. It was only a matter of time until the next stage. You know what the next stage is. Don’t put yourself or your child through it. Even if he never raises his voice again, you will live with the knowledge that he’s done it once, he could do it again. That’s enough to alter the dynamic and how you relate to him going forward. The fact that he hasn’t contacted you or apologised shows his level of entitlement and contempt for you. He believes you will have your little pout then come crawling back. Please contact womens aid and please don’t go back.

💐

Just an update: I text him and asked to talk about what happened yesterday and he agreed, so I came back home and left DS with his nanna. I arrived before DH was back from work and he walked through the door, kissed me on the cheek and asked if I wanted a cup of tea like nothing had even happened! I told him to get away from me and asked if he was even sorry, and all he said was that I had massively overreacted, that he was missing DS. So at that point I just gathered some more belongings for me and DS to last a few more days at my mums and left.

So I think that’s it. I have no choice but to end the relationship. No apology or remorse and it’s been downplayed to me just overreacting. Also I don’t know how I didn’t spot it last night but there’s actually a hole in the door from where he threw my phone. I pointed to it and asked how it’s an overreaction when his anger has led to that. I told him it’s abuse, he said it’s not because he didn’t actually hurt me. My heart is well and truly broken.

You've done the right thing, OP. I know that doesn't make it any easier to bear, but life will be a lot better for you, and for your DS.

It's abuse not just of you but of your DC. He is trying to gaslight you into thinking it's nothing. You are doing the right thing by leaving him.

You need to get onto a solicitor and start getting things sorted asap. Do it first thing tomorrow morning. Get the jump on your H and do things on your terms.