DH threw my phone at the wall

[Moonshine160]

Me and DH have been together for 13 years. We have 1 DC together (3 years old) and another on the way, I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant.
We have the occasional argument but certainly nothing ever aggressive or violent and our relationship for the most part is happy, until today.

DH has been doing a lot of work on the garden for weeks now. It’s a large garden and originally he was landscaping a small part of it but he’s got carried away and is now redoing half the garden. This started last summer, stopped over winter and he started again this April. Unless it’s raining he’s out there digging most evenings and weekends, leaving me to take care of DC and the pregnancy exhaustion is beginning to take over. I sometimes feel like a single parent because I work (just Mon-weds), then do all the cooking, cleaning and taking care of DC. He seems to think this is easy. While I appreciate him doing all the labour in the garden, he’s got a bit obsessed with it and he could pay someone to help him. We aren’t rich but we have savings for someone to come and do it, but DH has renovated our whole house over time and “likes projects” in his words. So he wants to do it on his own.

I tried to speak to him about this earlier and it immediately escalated into an argument with him getting defensive. He said that I’m spoilt, need to stop moaning and that I don’t understand what hard work is and that I’ve never had a hard days work in my life. Then he called me a dickhead so I told him to fuck off, which I’m ashamed to admit was in front of our 3 year old DS. He said “what did you just say to me?” And came towards me, I honestly thought he was going to hit me but he snatched my phone out of my hand and threw it hard at the door. Then he went over to it, saw that he hadn’t broken it so threw it even harder at the wall. It’s caused damage to it along the bottom but somehow didn’t break, but it has dented the wall. Then he took the phone and hid it so I couldn’t find it.

I have been in tears for two hours which I’ve been trying to hide from DS. DS witnessed all of this and was absolutely petrified and screaming. I am genuinely scared of my husband, he’s never reacted like that but it’s showed me what he’s capable of. I could go to my mums house but I don’t know what to do long term. DS won’t let DH near him now and keeps saying he doesn’t want daddy to be mad and that he’s scared of daddy. DH is now saying that I’ve turned DS against him because I’ve been crying this evening and it’s me that’s scaring him by crying, rather than because he lost it. And he said afterwards “that’s what you get when you tell me to fuck off”. I have never seen this side to him. What do I do?

Have you left. OP? You need to leave NOW! I've been in your shoes and it WILL escalate. If he can do that in front of your child then he will do worse when not in front of him!

You can go to a Refuge after your mums and they'll help you with absolutely everything from clothes to toothpaste to toys & sorting finances. Also legal stuff. They're amazing places. Even provide transport if needed. But right now, you NEED to get to your Mums for your & your child's safety. I've been in your shoes OP, it NEVER ends here - NEVER

I am glad you have gone to your parents. This was terrifying for you and particularly your son.
You will know what to do next by his response. If he continues to justify his actions, use words like 'push my buttons' (no such thing, he is entirely responsible for his own behaviour whatever you do or say), refuses to acknowledge the effect his, frankly selfish, gardening project has had on you and your son, does not come across as entirely contrite and offers suggestions for a way forward - then you are done. Otherwise, if you return, you will always be afraid, never fully trust him, and that is not a marriage.
This is advice from someone who made the mistake of returning.

Welldone for getting out of there OP. His behaviour is shocking. Don't go back.

Well done for leaving.

whose name is the phone in? Can you report the damage to the police? It sounds like that would be sensible.

I was in a similar position to you a year or so ago. He used to hide my phone and then give me the silent treatment for days so I was so isolated. I left with the children and life is honestly so much better (even with the challenges) try and document somewhere maybe the GP or midwife as pp have said. This will be useful when applying for protective orders. See if your eligible for Legal Aid and what benefits may be available to you. You have a whole life ahead of you all the best x

Just wanted to say that you do not ‘push his buttons’. He chooses to react and behave like a twat.

What is wrong with you? This is a shocking post.

what do you do?

you LTB.

The only person responsible is the gobshibe that threw the phone twice.
And then his the phone

And the only person responsible is the ops ex.
Nobody else.
And she was right to get her parents involved.
Her safety and the safety of her kids is more important than his social standing.
What an ignorant post..

Absolutely

OP you need to leave. Otherwise you'll be posting threads here again, stuck deeper in an abusive relationship, with no means to leave.

You can choose to leave now. It's not easy but you owe it to your children, you need to provide them safety. Think about how traumatizing it would be for them to witness things like that again. He's not even remorseful, so when he apologizes you should know he's full of shit.

Leave and don't look back. A man who loves his wife would not terrorize her like this, nevermind when she's carrying his child. A man who loves you would not treat you like this.

The lack of immediate remorse shows that he feels entitled to behave like this. He will keep abusing you. Get out now and don't let yourself be another statistic.

Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate all of your advice and support. I’ve managed to get a bit of sleep but not much. Luckily DS is thrilled to have woken up at his nanna’s, he’s always loved it here. I left DH a note saying I’d gone to my mums, although he will have known that’s where I’d have gone anyway, and I haven’t heard a thing from him. No apology, nothing. I just really don’t know what to do moving forward. Im astounded at his behaviour yesterday, I genuinely didn’t know he had that in him after all these years together. Neither of us are perfect and we had times when we would argue or bicker occasionally but for the most part we were happy and I don’t think I was disillusioned in thinking that. There hasn’t been a series of events which led to this yesterday, he just exploded. One part of me hoping it was a one off but the other part of me thinks “don’t be stupid, you know how abuse starts”. But to think of my husband as being “abusive” - god it feels like I must be talking about a whole other person! Because that’s just not who I thought he was at all. Sorry for rambling, my thoughts are all over the place x

How are you this morning OP? Hope you managed to get some sleep and that your mum is looking after you

@dworky I second that!

@Matlab So where do you think abuse starts? It starts somewhere and this situation is an example of that. What do you suggest the OP does then? Wait until the next event happens? Because it will happen. Will that be a good enough reason for you then? 🤦‍♀️

Morning OP

how are you feeling this morning. Has he made contact at all?

Morning. I posted a few comments above. He hasn’t made any contact at all, no. An apology would not have been accepted at this point but I expected one :(

@Matlab
Dangerous words and I fear you have never been in this position. Many of us who are offering our advice here have been. OP didn't "blindly follow" advice - she already said she was thinking of going to her parents. And confiding in others, rather than being ashamed and hiding abusive behavior from friends and loved ones, is extremely wise. Let me tell you I made the mistake of not doing this for 25 years.

It is not 'her job' to tell him he has crossed the line - it is his job to recognise what he did was wrong and apologise (not attempt to justify it by blaming her for what she said, and then sulk like he seems to be - that in itself is another control/fear tactic to make her worry).

And let me rephrase your sentence for you correctly:
You may have just started the chain of events that leads to the end of your marriage.
He may have just started the chain of events that leads to the end of your marriage.

hes showing he really doesn’t care really isn’t he

Most men who know they fucked up would be apologising, begging for another chance, promising not to anything like that again

Some even do stick to that promise

You did the right thing getting out with your DS, this behaviour will only escalate

he just exploded
so what would he do next, he knows he can scare you, this time was your phone, next time it would be you
it is on him to address his anger outburst, and not on you do do anything about it
you cant change anyone, how they think or behave

you saw his behaviour and it scared you, as it should, you responded correctly to that threat of violence, your parents support you, you are not alone

do not let anyone think that you started anything and you are guilty of "possibly wrecking your marriage", people like that want you to be a punchbag for your husband, in the name of their "values"

I'd wait and see how long it takes for him to start grovelling for you to come back - I'd imagine it'll be when he's hungry or running out of clean laundry

Stay where you are, OP, and let your parents look after you for a bit. Don't underestimate the physical effects of shock on you and I'd talk to your MW.

I like how he accused you of being lazy. He's the lazy bastard doing his gardening hobby so he doesn't have to lift a finger around the house or do any childcare

No-one has to be told where the line is where it comes to physical intimidation and breaking someone's belongings and scaring their small child. He knows where the line is and he's crossed it.

that sounds like a very extreme reaction from him op