DH threw my phone at the wall

[Moonshine160]

Me and DH have been together for 13 years. We have 1 DC together (3 years old) and another on the way, I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant.
We have the occasional argument but certainly nothing ever aggressive or violent and our relationship for the most part is happy, until today.

DH has been doing a lot of work on the garden for weeks now. It’s a large garden and originally he was landscaping a small part of it but he’s got carried away and is now redoing half the garden. This started last summer, stopped over winter and he started again this April. Unless it’s raining he’s out there digging most evenings and weekends, leaving me to take care of DC and the pregnancy exhaustion is beginning to take over. I sometimes feel like a single parent because I work (just Mon-weds), then do all the cooking, cleaning and taking care of DC. He seems to think this is easy. While I appreciate him doing all the labour in the garden, he’s got a bit obsessed with it and he could pay someone to help him. We aren’t rich but we have savings for someone to come and do it, but DH has renovated our whole house over time and “likes projects” in his words. So he wants to do it on his own.

I tried to speak to him about this earlier and it immediately escalated into an argument with him getting defensive. He said that I’m spoilt, need to stop moaning and that I don’t understand what hard work is and that I’ve never had a hard days work in my life. Then he called me a dickhead so I told him to fuck off, which I’m ashamed to admit was in front of our 3 year old DS. He said “what did you just say to me?” And came towards me, I honestly thought he was going to hit me but he snatched my phone out of my hand and threw it hard at the door. Then he went over to it, saw that he hadn’t broken it so threw it even harder at the wall. It’s caused damage to it along the bottom but somehow didn’t break, but it has dented the wall. Then he took the phone and hid it so I couldn’t find it.

I have been in tears for two hours which I’ve been trying to hide from DS. DS witnessed all of this and was absolutely petrified and screaming. I am genuinely scared of my husband, he’s never reacted like that but it’s showed me what he’s capable of. I could go to my mums house but I don’t know what to do long term. DS won’t let DH near him now and keeps saying he doesn’t want daddy to be mad and that he’s scared of daddy. DH is now saying that I’ve turned DS against him because I’ve been crying this evening and it’s me that’s scaring him by crying, rather than because he lost it. And he said afterwards “that’s what you get when you tell me to fuck off”. I have never seen this side to him. What do I do?

You deserve so much better. Stay strong

I'm so sorry OP but if he just doesn't see the seriousness of what he did then I can't see how you could possibly move forward. I suspect he will start apologising the moment he sees you are serious about leaving. When he does remember that, this afternoon, he saw no problem with what he did.

Thank goodness! Well done, you.

Go to your mums, even if only temporarily until things have calmed down. I’m sorry that you’ve seen a new side to your husband, that’s horrible.

It's a shame that he hasn't apologised but at least it's helped you make a decision. Stay strong!

Posted too soon, sorry- Just to add though, my parents had a very fiery relationship when I was a kid (they have chilled out now they’re pensioners - and they had some couples counselling!) and I witnessed many a row that escalated to them calling one another sweary names and them then throwing stuff. One epic one- still much talked about and now laughed about- was when my Dad lost it and, for some reason, frisbeed a plate of left over chips out of the back door and down the garden. I was witnessing such events from a very young age- easily as young as your DC- and I was scared of my Dad when he shouted (and threw chips!) and of my Mum when she told him to fuck off back to his mums house, but I’m not scarred for life and I love my parents very much and have a good relationship with them.

I’m sorry he’s downplayed it but honestly he’s done you a favour. If he’d begged forgiveness and promised it would never happen again you’d be tempted to believe him.

FWIW smashing stuff around you, breaking your stuff etc is common assault. My ex was arrested for it. When he wasn’t charged, one of the officers questioned why, as he’d admitted in a text that he’d broken something of mine.

I still took him back . It took several years of him on ‘best behaviour’ to do it again (by which I mean only swearing at me and calling me names, not breaking my stuff) but then one evening recently he kicked over a table, kicked over a fan and was a nasty shit again.

And like yours, didn’t see a problem with it, didn’t apologise, didn’t promise it would never happen again.

And still I begged him to come back.

I’m lucky really that he won’t forgive me for making him leave!! Sadly the only way I’m apparently able to accept that it’s over is if he says so.

You need to listen to what he’s saying to you. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, he’s not sorry, he thinks you made him react how he did.

Whether they apologise or not, it means very little coming from an abuser.

Sorry OP that you didn't get the result you was hoping for. But if he had apologised does that mean you would of gone back?!

He knows fine well how bad it is but if he pretends all is well then you might question the courage of your own convictions and he will get away with what he's done. He's manipulating you, not necessarily because he's evil but because he knows he's about to deservedly lose everything and he is playing it down to prevent that. You're right though, it's over and I suspect you will never get a full acknowledgment or apology. He will eventually grown to really believe everything he's pretending right now. My ex H certainly did.

I'm so sorry, OP.

There could have been a chance if he'd shown genuine remorse. But this?

I hope you took a photo of the hole in the door.

I am so sorry you are going through this! Take one day at a time and look after yourself x

You've been together 13 years and have a three year old, and another on the way.

My betting is that before you had children he mostly had an easy life, with little demands and you are a laid back sort who generally isn't demanding and hadn't realised what a tosser he is.

I never realised how much I bent and compromised with my ex until pregnancy and then kids came into the equation and the world didn't revolve around HIS wants and preferences.

I'm so glad you are at your mum's with some support and rest etc. Don't go back again. He's shown you how he's going to approach this. It's hugely disappointing but it will help you in a way. If he was turning on crocodile tears and trying to reel you back that way, then you might have been tempted to stay.

Have a look on the entitledto website. You may find you can manage fairly well with finances on your own. Obviously he will need to pay maintenance for the kids too.

I've been in your shoes and managed on very very little for a while and it was still infinitely better than living with an abusive arsehole.

Does your three year old go to nursery/childcare? If he does you need to let them know the situation and that you are both staying elsewhere. They can support you can keep an eye on little one.

You could also reach out to your midwife and health visitor too. They'll be able to support you, and sign post you to any help available locally.

This has made me think back. I'd not realised what my ex was like before pregnancy as I was a laid back people pleaser and his getting his own way was so low level it didn't blip on my radar.

When I left I didn't know what my favourite takeaway was, or music, or what colour I wanted to decorate, etc. I didn't make demands or advocate for my own needs. Because gradually and subtly I'd constantly let him make choicesa dn put himself first every time. If I chose something he'd say he didn't like it, preferred something he liked, did I remember that last thing he'd chosen and how good it was, or what a shame he hadnt seen X last week as I'd been poorly and needed him to stay home, etc......But not in an arsy or aggressive way. Just in a very low level way each time until I started just letting him choose. Not saying what I wanted. Not demanding time. Not demanding support. Not making waves. 😔

Not all abuse is overtly aggressive. Some stuff is like the boiled frog. Until all of a sudden your phone is broken, there's a hole in your door and your little one is scared of Daddy. 😢

Don't go back to him. You and your kids deserve better.

I can't believe he well actually'd you about his abuse of you.

Well done for your decisive actions.

I agree he is using the projects to opt out of the grunt work of the marriage.

You could EVER get him to see this. He would deny this to the point he fell in his grave but analysed, this is definitely what he is doing.

Stay out of there OP. Let him have the immaculate garden all to himself. The reason he flared up so badly is you are asking him to do something (engage in actual family life and take some of the pressure off of you) that he doesn't want to do and has engineered a situation so he doesn't have to.

He has escalated because he knows you are tied to the DSc and the pregnancy and thus you are 'lesser'. Thinking like this makes him a dick but he is one so that's no surprise.

"Then he went over to it, saw that he hadn’t broken it so threw it even harder at the wall. It’s caused damage to it along the bottom but somehow didn’t break, but it has dented the wall. Then he took the phone and hid it so I couldn’t find it."

This is spine chilling.

I'm so sorry OP. He's not the man you thought he was, but that's ok. You can do this! I've been in your exact situation and I promise you, the thought of being a single parent was (& is) farrrrrrrrrr far worse than the reality of it. I say that as a lone parent of 6.5 years to a child with behavioural issues. Yes it's hard but compared with parenting whilst being in an abusive marriage/relationship it's an absolute BREEZE 🍹

You CAN do this and you bloody well will - like the fab, strong mother you are 💪🏻

Sorry you had to go through this but this is a bleddy brilliant post.

Please don't bend and think you owe it to your dc to try again. You owe it to your dc and to yourself to be safe. Being with him won't guarantee that. Imagine your ndn had rang the police. He could and should have been arrested..

Gaslighting you now too. I’m sorry you had to experience all of this OP but if he’s attempting to make you question your own sanity by downplaying his reprehensible behaviour then you are well shot. Focus on building your life around your beautiful babies. You all deserve so much better than this 💛

This is the second thread in which I've read that a poster says you should show a "D"P your thread.
Presumably to show him HE'S IN THE WRONG! (Yes, he is!).

PLEASE do not do this OP.

This is your safe space!

It will just rile him up even more and guess who will have to deal with the fallout?!

He is abusive. I bet he taught you that phrase "pushing his buttons". That is intended to train you in which subjects you should avoid.