DH threw my phone at the wall

[Moonshine160]

Me and DH have been together for 13 years. We have 1 DC together (3 years old) and another on the way, I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant.
We have the occasional argument but certainly nothing ever aggressive or violent and our relationship for the most part is happy, until today.

DH has been doing a lot of work on the garden for weeks now. It’s a large garden and originally he was landscaping a small part of it but he’s got carried away and is now redoing half the garden. This started last summer, stopped over winter and he started again this April. Unless it’s raining he’s out there digging most evenings and weekends, leaving me to take care of DC and the pregnancy exhaustion is beginning to take over. I sometimes feel like a single parent because I work (just Mon-weds), then do all the cooking, cleaning and taking care of DC. He seems to think this is easy. While I appreciate him doing all the labour in the garden, he’s got a bit obsessed with it and he could pay someone to help him. We aren’t rich but we have savings for someone to come and do it, but DH has renovated our whole house over time and “likes projects” in his words. So he wants to do it on his own.

I tried to speak to him about this earlier and it immediately escalated into an argument with him getting defensive. He said that I’m spoilt, need to stop moaning and that I don’t understand what hard work is and that I’ve never had a hard days work in my life. Then he called me a dickhead so I told him to fuck off, which I’m ashamed to admit was in front of our 3 year old DS. He said “what did you just say to me?” And came towards me, I honestly thought he was going to hit me but he snatched my phone out of my hand and threw it hard at the door. Then he went over to it, saw that he hadn’t broken it so threw it even harder at the wall. It’s caused damage to it along the bottom but somehow didn’t break, but it has dented the wall. Then he took the phone and hid it so I couldn’t find it.

I have been in tears for two hours which I’ve been trying to hide from DS. DS witnessed all of this and was absolutely petrified and screaming. I am genuinely scared of my husband, he’s never reacted like that but it’s showed me what he’s capable of. I could go to my mums house but I don’t know what to do long term. DS won’t let DH near him now and keeps saying he doesn’t want daddy to be mad and that he’s scared of daddy. DH is now saying that I’ve turned DS against him because I’ve been crying this evening and it’s me that’s scaring him by crying, rather than because he lost it. And he said afterwards “that’s what you get when you tell me to fuck off”. I have never seen this side to him. What do I do?

@Moonshine160 I'm really sorry this happened to you. I know it will be really tempting to give him another chance for all the reasons you've listed.

There is always a first time for verbal, emotional, physical, financial, sexual abuse but it generally doesn't stop at an isolated incident and escalates.

He will likely be full of apologies and he might even mean it but believe me when I say that you and your children are in danger from him. Especially as you are pregnant when we know that risk increases.

You mentioned earlier 'pushing his buttons'. Please do not ever blame yourself. He alone is responsible for his behaviour today. Scaring you, terrifying your child, that's all on him.

Don't listen to other people telling you what a nice guy he is, they weren't there and didn't see what he did.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life OP. My mum was you (but just pregnant with me, no other kid) and it all worked out for her. Don’t worry about the money - a solicitor can sort that for you. All the best.

This is domestic abuse Phone up your GP and ask about help in your local area. Mine has referred me to women's aid and another group. You will be high priority for council housing because as a domestic abuse victim you count as homeless. You will get help. I am getting help - even free legal
Advice. Good luck.

The garden thing is rage-inducing, projects are supposed to be done in his spare time, they are not an excuse to leave the entire running of his home and family to his pregnant wife. I only mention it because I don't want you to get sucked in when the dust has settled and he tries to persuade you to go back, if he'd wanted to do something nice for his family then being present and sharing the load would have been a start. He chose to do the garden and leave you to struggle, he could have done the garden more slowly and still helped you so don't let him persuade you his violent outburst was in any way justified, there is no justification for what he did.

Get away now before your baby is born, wait until he goes to work tomorrow, pack your bags & leave. Throwing your phone is only the start of what he is capable of.

Also at your midwife appointments they always ask if things are ok at home/any domestic violence.
You can report it to your midwife in the mean time, they will take the necessary actions.

It's been suggested to show him the thread. DO NOT SHOW THE ABUSER THE THREAD. He won't take any of it to heart and it will most likely provoke him.

Sorry you are going through this 💐

He's threatened you to keep you in line. He's basically showing you what will happen if you continue to question him - violence.

Go to your mums and tell him to get therapy.

I am so relieved that you're safe, and that your parents came for you.

Please contact Women's Aid or similar (Rights of Women is another organisation that I've found extremely helpful in cases of DV) tomorrow. Don't be tempted to go back home, and if you need anything send your Dad and any other blokes who will back him up, to get it.

You don’t have to think long term right now.

You just need to get a good nights sleep, safe at your parents.

Your son will probably still be upset tomorrow, so time to comfort him.

You don’t have to do anything straight away. Just when you want to. Take each day as it comes, gain a little strength. Speak to whatever professionals you need to at your own pace.

Good luck, hope you and your som feel better soon

Take it easy
Go gentle on yourself

Block this man
This is shocking behaviour

Please don't go back. Men like your husband never seem to have issues with six foot three former marines. They can control their temper just fine at work and when they are on show to your family. In private though your husband gets off on terrifying you when you're 27 weeks pregnant.

I take it that it's unlikely to be something like cocaine or steroids?

I’m glad that you are safe.
Has he been in contact? He will and I would imagine he will either make out that you are overreacting or that it was your fault. Neither of these things are true, you are brave and strong even if you don’t feel like it right now.

Are you the husband?

You refer to "your my marriage"

And your post is quite astonishing in victim blaming and denial. Poor man will be viewed badly by other people....boohoo. So he should.

You don't "puch his buttons". He is an adult and should be able to control his behaviour when irritated/angry. The way he behaved re your phone was calculated and frankly sinister. I wouldn't want my kids growing up in an environment like that (walking on eggshells and being scared). It will be far easier to leave now, than once the baby comes. Good luck. Sorry this is happening to you.

Yes, this!

So sorry, this is awful for you and your son please take him to your mother’s to at least regroup and plan your next move.

The ‘jobs’ in the garden are 100% designed to avoid his childcare responsibilities, and now he is gaslighting you over it.

Maybe you could live like a single parent for the sake of your relationship IF he didn’t also talk to you abusively. Now, with the violent behaviour, it’s hard to see how you could go on as a couple.

It’s also so sad that he has scared your son. 😢

@Matlab , yes, you are the only one.

I am the last person on MN to say LTB. But this behaviour was terrifying. He didn't throw the phone just once but twice. Then he hid it so that OP couldn't ask anyone for help. He terrified his child.

No woman should stay in the house with such a man. I don't know what's happened to make him flip, but it's not up to OP to wait around to find out.

Matlab he loves you, he is a great dad, and you have had a happy 13 years

Only the op knows
Dies not sound happy as she struggles pregnant while he merrily chops the garden weeds...
a good dad husband would not prioritise obsessively a garden over child and pregnantt wife . Maybe obsession is something can be addressed. Maybe he is contrite and desperate to find out for himself what triggered his awful behaviour....
some time apart will clarify

@Matlab “I fear that what you have done by escalating the situation, is launched a series of events that will now take a life of its own” “baying for your DH's (or any man's ) blood, then you may come to regret escalating so much.”

What you have said is really sinister. Abusive partners threatening suicide is also part of the pattern of abuse and control.

Leave this woman and her child alone.

Her 3 year old will never forget this.

@Somanymistakes you're a bit weird mate. I also said she should go to her mums. I don't hate men, I'm not baying for male blood and have never even had a relationship split...

What he did was lose his rag... and compound it by saying 'this is what happens when you tell me to fuck off' aka - a threat of future violence towards a behaviour he dislikes. A control mechanism. A warning.

Women here are simply telling her to heed the warning her own husband offered up.

Dangerous advice from someone who doesn't know what they're talking about.

Sorry that was to @Matlab not @Somanymistakes

Any money that is saved is by him and is in his own account.
This tells.me everything about your relationship. Your "D"H is in control of finances, he thinks he can do whatever he wants with his time. You just have to shut up.