Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH threw my phone at the wall

235 replies

Moonshine160 · 26/06/2022 20:03

Me and DH have been together for 13 years. We have 1 DC together (3 years old) and another on the way, I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant.
We have the occasional argument but certainly nothing ever aggressive or violent and our relationship for the most part is happy, until today.

DH has been doing a lot of work on the garden for weeks now. It’s a large garden and originally he was landscaping a small part of it but he’s got carried away and is now redoing half the garden. This started last summer, stopped over winter and he started again this April. Unless it’s raining he’s out there digging most evenings and weekends, leaving me to take care of DC and the pregnancy exhaustion is beginning to take over. I sometimes feel like a single parent because I work (just Mon-weds), then do all the cooking, cleaning and taking care of DC. He seems to think this is easy. While I appreciate him doing all the labour in the garden, he’s got a bit obsessed with it and he could pay someone to help him. We aren’t rich but we have savings for someone to come and do it, but DH has renovated our whole house over time and “likes projects” in his words. So he wants to do it on his own.

I tried to speak to him about this earlier and it immediately escalated into an argument with him getting defensive. He said that I’m spoilt, need to stop moaning and that I don’t understand what hard work is and that I’ve never had a hard days work in my life. Then he called me a dickhead so I told him to fuck off, which I’m ashamed to admit was in front of our 3 year old DS. He said “what did you just say to me?” And came towards me, I honestly thought he was going to hit me but he snatched my phone out of my hand and threw it hard at the door. Then he went over to it, saw that he hadn’t broken it so threw it even harder at the wall. It’s caused damage to it along the bottom but somehow didn’t break, but it has dented the wall. Then he took the phone and hid it so I couldn’t find it.

I have been in tears for two hours which I’ve been trying to hide from DS. DS witnessed all of this and was absolutely petrified and screaming. I am genuinely scared of my husband, he’s never reacted like that but it’s showed me what he’s capable of. I could go to my mums house but I don’t know what to do long term. DS won’t let DH near him now and keeps saying he doesn’t want daddy to be mad and that he’s scared of daddy. DH is now saying that I’ve turned DS against him because I’ve been crying this evening and it’s me that’s scaring him by crying, rather than because he lost it. And he said afterwards “that’s what you get when you tell me to fuck off”. I have never seen this side to him. What do I do?

OP posts:
Tadpoll · 26/06/2022 21:27

OP, I can’t give you advice but I wanted to say that my exDP was exactly like this.

He was never aggressive towards me apart from verbally - particularly name calling so it’s interesting you mentioned that - but towards the end he would flip and throw something/kick a piece of furniture to bits etc. He would often throw things near me so they didn’t hit me but I was scared.

When I was upset or showed fear, especially in front of the kids, he accused me of turning them against him. It was literally just as you describe. He even used to say ‘Oh here we go’ if I made a fuss.

I left him, and am much happier. He isn’t generally a violent man actually (although he has a temper) but something about me pushed his buttons. It was best for our children that we no longer lived together.

Incidentally, everyone outside the marriage (including my own family, some of whom still don’t believe me) thought he was a great guy.

I hope you can sort this.

Queenie6655 · 26/06/2022 21:27

dworky · 26/06/2022 20:52

This is how my abuser started.

First they damage your possessions, then they damage you.

X 109 million

Ging7878 · 26/06/2022 21:27

Well done OP. You've protected yourself, your child and your unborn child x

HyggeandTea · 26/06/2022 21:29

Well done. Have a cup of tea and rest. You and DS are safe. You do not need to make any decisions or talk to him right now. In your own time x

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/06/2022 21:30

And he said afterwards “that’s what you get when you tell me to fuck off”.

And all the savings are in his name and possession? And you're pregnant. It's all pretty classic. Get you good and dependent, then start the abuse.

Mum's is a good call. Then work out next steps.

dapsnotplimsolls · 26/06/2022 21:30

I suspect that in his mind, he is working really hard in the garden for his family and you are the unreasonable one for swearing at him. In reality, as others have said, he has found a nice excuse to avoid family life and the responsibilities that entails and you bruised his ego by swearing at him.

cestlavielife · 26/06/2022 21:31

Well done for leaving.
Bexready for him to be angry /beg and plead/ cry / make promises etc.
Dont talk to him until you spoke tonwomens aid
Your midwife can refer youvto local services or search domestic abuse on your council website

notgreatthanks · 26/06/2022 21:36

You did the right thing. You say he's raised his voice/ sworn before. This is the next stage. What follows is a shove or arm squeeze. Its a steady increase to hitting. You don't know where he will stop on the scales. But you know this is unacceptable.

TommyJoesMummy · 26/06/2022 21:36

I’m glad to hear you are all out and with your parents. You should report it to the police, call women’s aid sooner rather than later

KyaClark · 26/06/2022 21:37

What an absolute cunt.

Original poster
Moonshine160 · 26/06/2022 21:37

Tadpoll · 26/06/2022 21:27

OP, I can’t give you advice but I wanted to say that my exDP was exactly like this.

He was never aggressive towards me apart from verbally - particularly name calling so it’s interesting you mentioned that - but towards the end he would flip and throw something/kick a piece of furniture to bits etc. He would often throw things near me so they didn’t hit me but I was scared.

When I was upset or showed fear, especially in front of the kids, he accused me of turning them against him. It was literally just as you describe. He even used to say ‘Oh here we go’ if I made a fuss.

I left him, and am much happier. He isn’t generally a violent man actually (although he has a temper) but something about me pushed his buttons. It was best for our children that we no longer lived together.

Incidentally, everyone outside the marriage (including my own family, some of whom still don’t believe me) thought he was a great guy.

I hope you can sort this.

This sounds so similar :( he doesn’t call me names often, not that he should at all, but it’s when I really push his buttons that he does which probably happens once every few months. Until today that’s the only untoward behaviour he’s shown. Same as your situation, my family and friends all think he’s a great guy. And he’s also a brilliant dad when he’s not working on one of his projects which is what makes this so, so sad.

OP posts:
MyEasterEggs · 26/06/2022 21:37

You poor thing and your poor DC. Behaviour like this isn’t acceptable under any circumstances. And I find it beyond awful that he’d treat you this way at all, never mind while you’re carrying his child. He provoked you to swear on front of your DC and so that is all on him. So let that go. You’re the victim here. Glad you’re safe and hope your mum and dad are helping you calm down tonight. Don’t worry about next steps just focus on caring for yourself and your wee babies 💛

Queenie6655 · 26/06/2022 21:38

Why do you have to leave

Fcking abusive men

Awful awful

When my bastard tried to kill me
I moved out with out 5 day old baby
He still forced me to pay the rent too
While he enjoyed the comfi apartment we were in a friends box room

Original poster
Moonshine160 · 26/06/2022 21:38

dapsnotplimsolls · 26/06/2022 21:30

I suspect that in his mind, he is working really hard in the garden for his family and you are the unreasonable one for swearing at him. In reality, as others have said, he has found a nice excuse to avoid family life and the responsibilities that entails and you bruised his ego by swearing at him.

Exactly this. I’ve been made to feel the bad one by complaining because of how hard he’s working to make the garden nice for his family.

OP posts:
Wolfieandboy · 26/06/2022 21:43

Name calling every few months:( I couldn’t swear we haven’t ever name called but if we did just a few times in decades. I suspect still it wasn’t as cruel as what you are describing.
He sounds horrid. You can’t love someone who has so little care for you.

Newbeginnings90 · 26/06/2022 21:45

Firstly I hope you are ok and I'm glad to hear you have your mum for support.

Leaving really is the only option here, and there's a very strong chance he'll do everything within his power to get you to come back / promise to change etc.

Please please please contact women's aid. They will be able to help and support.

OakTreex · 26/06/2022 21:49

Echoing the others - please, if there's one thing you do, call women's aid if not the police.

You don't know how this is going to go. Trust me, abusers like to continue to abuse and control you through the courts by seeking court-ordered child contact or residence to control you. They don't necessarily even want it, they just want to put you through the wringer.

You need a record of his behaviour in case this happens to you. It's happened to many of us and you may need to prove abuse in court later.

You (and your son, as a witness to this and in law) are victims of domestic abuse. You need to tread carefully moving forward. Make sure this is documented. I'd be careful about giving him unsupervised time with your child tbh.

DottyLittleRainbow · 26/06/2022 21:51

Well done for leaving. You’ve done the right thing. Much harder to leave with a newborn when you’ve just given birth and are even more vulnerable.

Give women’s aid a call. And speak to your midwife, they are trained to support you.

justasking111 · 26/06/2022 21:52

I'm glad you're at your mum's now.

Three year old could have helped daddy in the garden to give you a break. That's baffling to be honest.

He sounds obsessive trying to do house garden. He's a bit slow if it's still a work in progress

CallOnMe · 26/06/2022 21:53

Him doing projects in the garden sbd around the house is absolutely fine as long as he’s doing his fair share of the childcare and housework (obviously more will fall to you if you’re PT).

It’s common for one partner to think because the other works PT they should do all of the housework and there to be disagreements surrounding this - but what he did was absolutely unforgivable!

I thought throwing the phone was bad enough but doing it twice is very vindictive.

You say he’s never been like this before but I’m guessing it’s because you’ve always been passive and not stuck up for yourself.
This is his true self.

Miajk · 26/06/2022 21:58

Leave him and do not believe him when he apologizes, don't let him gaslight you.

You have a little boy and your responsibility to him is to protect him. Do not trap yourself in an abusive marriage if you can leave right now.

MyEasterEggs · 26/06/2022 22:04

It’s the hiding the phone that I can’t stop thinking about. It was bad enough that he threw it twice to damage it and give you no way of reaching out to others, but to then hide it. Quite sinister really. I mean what if you needed to make an emergency call re your DC or pregnancy? The more I think about this the more upsetting I find it.

And don’t explain yourself to him. He doesn’t deserve it. Send him this thread if/when you feel able to so he can recognise himself for the bully he is.

northernlady15 · 26/06/2022 22:04

I really hope you're okay OP xx

greatblueheron · 26/06/2022 22:05

dapsnotplimsolls · 26/06/2022 21:30

I suspect that in his mind, he is working really hard in the garden for his family and you are the unreasonable one for swearing at him. In reality, as others have said, he has found a nice excuse to avoid family life and the responsibilities that entails and you bruised his ego by swearing at him.

Bruised his ego? Are you serious? He called her a dickhead after ranting at her. She only swore at him after all that.

StaunchMomma · 26/06/2022 22:22

So, he's been aggressive and smashed your things in front of your DS and now he's blaming the consequences on you?

Textbook.

Defo go to your Mums and stay until he's prepared to sit don with you and talk. If he can't sit down and listen to your concerns about being left alone all the time to parent and keep the house because he wants to be off on a project then, well, he's not much of a partner or father, is he?!

I'm not sure I could get over that, OP.