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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dislike my aduld child :(

117 replies

Felida · 25/06/2022 10:03

I know it sounds horrible and I should never say it out loud. There are days when I despise him, and others when I feel incredibly guilty for it. It's unnatural and I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I just can't help it. Am I the only one who feels like this or are there others who have been here?

Both of my sons are grown up and independent, and while I have a good relationship with one of them the other one seems to decline more and more. We used to get on, but things have become so tense.

My ex husband was a raging narcissist (my then therapist's diagnosis, not mine), and it took me decades to realise this. I worked so hard to overcome the trauma of this relationship, and I am fully aware that I let my children down by having stayed in this unit for so long. I cannot undo the past, and I am aware that it damaged them. One is so much like me that it sometimes scares me...he is gentle and I worry about him, because he runs danger of letting others walk over him. It's his brother though that I struggle with. We used to get on...but the older he gets the more similarities I see between himself and his father, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if I can do anything....

Of course I love him, and part of me is incredibly proud of him. He has some amazing traits, but the negative ones become more obvious now that I have seen them. Part of me thinks it's my fault, but I also don't know what to do about it. I tried talking to him about things, sent him books on the topic, but to no avail.

I'm conflicted and don't know what else to do, or if I can even do anything. It scares me to see how similar he is to his father, and I am really disliking him for it.

It's not something I can discuss with anyone obviously.
Is it just me or have others experienced something like this too?

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 25/06/2022 10:04

How often do you see / engage with him?

Orangesandlemons77 · 25/06/2022 10:08

What age are you OP? Often people find with menopause those 'caring' hormones are not around as much and it can change things.

3luckystars · 25/06/2022 10:11

I would go back to the counselling and talk it out. He is not his dad. All the best.

Original poster
Felida · 25/06/2022 10:16

I'm 64.
I haven't seen him in 2 years, when I came to visit him post the first lockdown. He has been living abroad for years so we haven't seen each other regularly for a long time. He went travelling earlier this year and chose to visit others over me which hurt, but he said he'd visit in a few months. We speak once a week on the phone. He will not accept more regular engagement.
I have an entirely different relationship with my second son who likewise lives hours away from me and who I usually just see two or three times per year.

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 25/06/2022 10:20

On the basis of your update, it would seem that your feelings re your son are perhaps not entirely one sided.

what are the weekly calls like?

Ohthatsexciting · 25/06/2022 10:21

you describe yourself as having a completely different and close relationship with your other son… but to see him 2/3 times a year doesn’t indicate very close?

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 25/06/2022 10:22

I am also unsure how to say this gently but it seems the feeling is mutual op?

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 25/06/2022 10:23

Sorry what do you send him books on? Him being a narcissist?

Ohthatsexciting · 25/06/2022 10:26

Oh I missed the book thing

what on earth do you send him books “on the topic” OP?

Original poster
Felida · 25/06/2022 10:31

He is usually either grumpy and tired, or talks excessively about himself. Sometimes the calls can be very nice though. To be honest, even if the conversation is grumpy or self-centred I am happy to have the call because at least I know he is ok then.
We spoke yesterday and he told me that he broke up with his girlfriend, and there was not a shred of emotion or compassion in him. I felt sad and sorry after the call because I've heard it all before..

OP posts:
Original poster
Felida · 25/06/2022 10:32

Ohthatsexciting · 25/06/2022 10:21

you describe yourself as having a completely different and close relationship with your other son… but to see him 2/3 times a year doesn’t indicate very close?

My other son also lives quite far away, so we generally see each other around bank holidays unless he spends the time with his small family. He calls a lot though and I know I can call him without him getting irritated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Felida · 25/06/2022 10:35

It was a book on narcissism, because it really helped me a lot. I told him it was eye opening and I had realised a lot about myself in it and how blind I had been. There was a section in it that addressed the impact on children who grow up in a family setting like it and I thought he'd get some insight and maybe recognise a few things about himself too. My other son read the book too and said he had found it insightful

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 25/06/2022 10:37

Felida · 25/06/2022 10:35

It was a book on narcissism, because it really helped me a lot. I told him it was eye opening and I had realised a lot about myself in it and how blind I had been. There was a section in it that addressed the impact on children who grow up in a family setting like it and I thought he'd get some insight and maybe recognise a few things about himself too. My other son read the book too and said he had found it insightful

FFS OP

You really should not have sent your son with whom who you Are not close to and i fact dislike him - a book on narcissism!

Just leave him be

MiniPiccolo · 25/06/2022 10:42

OP, would your ex have been diagnosed as/with something else if he was reassessed today do you think?

Your son's traits on the phone don't scream Narcissism. They may say something else though. Was he like this as a child?

Offside · 25/06/2022 10:49

I think you maybe need to accept your part in this. You have probably, consciously or unconsciously, treated them both differently because one reminds you of your ex. That wouldn’t have gone unnoticed by your son who you don’t like. A breakdown like this doesn’t just happen with no fault.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 25/06/2022 10:54

Personally I think what you are writing about OP is somewhat of a taboo subject.

As parents, it is impossible to 'like' our kids ALL the time. When they are teenagers and live with us this is impossible I might add. Although there is a lot of pressure in society for us to appear to LIKE them all the time. But it is unrealistic, even without your background. The same is true of our kids. They will not LIKE us 100 of the time. We will sometimes be irritating for them and will annoy them. Sometimes they will be angry at us and not even realise it. It is part of their struggle to be independent adults.

What you seem to have in addition to this is the background of having been with a narcissist. At some point you will be triggered by your kids behaviour. That is potentially very difficult for you and potentially also for them.

I know this is easier said than done, but it is a case of working through your triggers/stressors and understanding them. Deciding whether your grown up kids behaviour is really objectionable - and standing firm as to what your boundaries are - as a grown up for yourself.

I emphasise this is easier said than done and as others have said pull in support where you can - therapist, and/or support networks like Women's Aid survivors forum...organisations that help women in recovery from narcissism. Good luck.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 25/06/2022 10:58

Also support the point someone made re 'caring' hormones after menopause.
I'm 58 and I'm genuinely sometimes not as 'giving' as before the menopause.

I'm not sure this is a good thing or a bad thing though. I veer towards thinking it is a good thing as I'm more assertive about boundaries these days.

Original poster
Felida · 25/06/2022 11:01

OK, I accept that the book might have been a bad idea.
I know that I have made huge mistakes and I would do anything to undo them. I don't think I treated them differently but maybe I did.
My oldest had always been quiet and withdrawn, the younger one the opposite

OP posts:
Wisteriaroundthedoor · 25/06/2022 11:01

I mean this gently but do you think maybe you are a narcissist?

Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others

do you recognise any of these traits in yourself?

SamMil · 25/06/2022 11:10

You said you speak once a week on the phone but he won't accept more regular engagement. How often are you trying to contact him? Once a week sounds more than enough for a healthy parental relationship. I would probably find it difficult if my parents were regularly calling more than that too - he has his own life now.

picklemewalnuts · 25/06/2022 11:10

Felida, it's possible your son misinterpreted the book you sent to help him understand the dynamic in your family as a result of his dad, to be a comment on him.

You can't tell someone they are narcissistic without them being offended and wanting to distance themselves.

You also can't assume someone is narcissistic because they aren't emotional on the phone with someone you admit they aren't close to.

You haven't described anything your son has done that makes him unlikeable.

Adult relationships can be tricky. It's worth doing some more counselling to see if you can unpick a better way to see things.

Siepie · 25/06/2022 11:10

It does sound like the feeling might be mutual and, to be honest, if you're posting him books about narcissism, I can understand why he might not want to speak to you. Sending someone a book about narcissism could only ever really be taken as an insult.

valadon68 · 25/06/2022 11:10

OP doesn't sound anything like a narcissist! She seems very willing to reflect and accept some responsibility for difficulties her son has. And doesn't asking her directly put her in an impossible position because, if she declines, it could be a sign of narcissism?

Original poster
Felida · 25/06/2022 11:12

MiniPiccolo · 25/06/2022 10:42

OP, would your ex have been diagnosed as/with something else if he was reassessed today do you think?

Your son's traits on the phone don't scream Narcissism. They may say something else though. Was he like this as a child?

He was quiet and never opened up to me, even when he was small. He changed as a teenager and became quite aggressive at some stage (violent outbursts, police involved), but I am afraid that was my husband and my fault because of the unstable home we provided.
As he got older and moved away his only interests are money, material goods and his success. He can also be quite vengeful and cruel, and he enjoy it. All familiar traits to me..

OP posts:
Original poster
Felida · 25/06/2022 11:16

OK, maybe I should try counselling again...it sounds like the problem could well be me...
I just find it so difficult to connect to him, and I don't want him to end up as a lonely old man who burned down all of his relationships.

OP posts: