I dislike my aduld child :(

[Felida]

I know it sounds horrible and I should never say it out loud. There are days when I despise him, and others when I feel incredibly guilty for it. It's unnatural and I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I just can't help it. Am I the only one who feels like this or are there others who have been here?

Both of my sons are grown up and independent, and while I have a good relationship with one of them the other one seems to decline more and more. We used to get on, but things have become so tense.

My ex husband was a raging narcissist (my then therapist's diagnosis, not mine), and it took me decades to realise this. I worked so hard to overcome the trauma of this relationship, and I am fully aware that I let my children down by having stayed in this unit for so long. I cannot undo the past, and I am aware that it damaged them. One is so much like me that it sometimes scares me...he is gentle and I worry about him, because he runs danger of letting others walk over him. It's his brother though that I struggle with. We used to get on...but the older he gets the more similarities I see between himself and his father, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if I can do anything....

Of course I love him, and part of me is incredibly proud of him. He has some amazing traits, but the negative ones become more obvious now that I have seen them. Part of me thinks it's my fault, but I also don't know what to do about it. I tried talking to him about things, sent him books on the topic, but to no avail.

I'm conflicted and don't know what else to do, or if I can even do anything. It scares me to see how similar he is to his father, and I am really disliking him for it.

It's not something I can discuss with anyone obviously.
Is it just me or have others experienced something like this too?

He's my two cents. Women are told that this mystical motherly love exists and if it goes wrong, you are to blame. You are blaming yourself in your first post.
You had a marriage to an abusive man, and were a victim.
I'm sure you had reasons for staying longer than you should have, and I bet you weren't happy.

There is so much mythology around motherhood which makes women into martyrs, scapegoats and victims of the rest of society. Men benefit and society polices it.

Thing is the human race isn't necessarily peaceful and loving. Some are violent and will impose their will on others. This is biology and got us to where we are.

As children, we are all self interested and will seek to impose our will on our parents. That's why children are difficult. We are animals with frontal lobes in our brains which sets us apart as we think and form complex cultures, but the animal is operating underneath.

The hormones we produce to bond to a baby last only up to four years. This is biology. Yet, we are expected to keep putting our own lives on hold for a child way longer than nature intended.

Free yourself, leave your son to contact you if he wants, no need to drown in guilt and remorse for the past. Just live your life and don't let the fact that you became a mother define your whole outlook on life. Move on, call it quits.

Ignore the judgement of others as it's often fear of this judgement that keeps people like in your situation feeling like it's all your fault when it isn't.

Maybe I wasn't very clear with my choice of words, or else there are some people here who are hell bent on twisting my words around. I now regret having started this thread.
Of course I am hoping he will forgive me, but who wouldn't want that? And this isn't why I had started this thread. I am feeling guilty for havign these feelings towards him, and I am scared when I see the similarities, but I appreciate I might be projecting them on him.
I still worry about him, and it's because I know that I'll never really know if he struggles, because he doesn't open up.
I really hope that nobody else has to go through the things my family did, but it is common enough. I wish I had done more, and different things. I wish I had been braver, and left. But I wasn't brave, and my children suffered as a result of it.
I hope nobody else will experience how one child turns violent, commits serious cases of gbh, some sexual assaults and assaults one of their parents. From the start of this thread I have said that I do not hold him accountable but us, his parents. But the sad thing is...it is very difficult to forget what a person is capable of, even if you love them.

Someone suggested that he might resent me for his childhood. I think he might and I can't blame him. He's a smart man who excels in one part of his life, and who struggles in other ways. But you are right, it is his choice and I cannot make him do something just because I think it's better for him.

@Toloveandtowork Thank you so much for your kind words

This!

If he is or isn't a narcissist, telling him won't help.

Adult relationships are two way and if you're there when he needs it that's all you can do.

You can't force more connection. You can't manage his personality from a long distance relationship. IF he wants to change his personality he'll do it for himself. But if he is a narcissist he never will. Let him be a distant son if it suits both of you.

You never stop being a parent but you cannot try to fix an adult son with these traits, that's for him to do. Just support him and be wary that narcissists use and abuse people for their own gain.

Yes, people are hell hent on making the mother the scapegoat when things go wrong with kids. It's sickening and inhumane. People say men treat us like we aren't fully human, but it's plain to see here that women do it too.
I understand that you wish you hadn't posted, OP.
But it's a good thing to see what you're up against when it comes to the crunch.
You make your own way and drown out these nasty, cruel, victim blaming comments.
What are they trying to not think about?
It's scary to admit that male violence is abundant in society and we can't do much about it, it's in the genes.
Scary and depressing, easier to lay it on women, most if whom swallow it whole.

So no mother ever fucked up her kids?

I didn't say that. Your words make it sound like you have an investment in the narrative that women are totally responsible for how kids turn out.
The OP had an abusive husband. He was an abusive father.
One of her children was violent as a teen.
Why is this all her fault?
Women can be abusive to children. Men are far more likely to be though.

I'll add that I bet my bottom dollar that in the process of growing up, the violent teen did things and behaved in ways that would be classified as abuse if he was an adult. The OP still felt it and must have suffered immensely trapped in that situation.

You need to stop linking your sons personality and behaviour to his father's. This is really important and should be a priority aim for you if you do have therapy.
While you keep drawing parallels, you will seek to fit your son into the behaviour patterns you are familiar with from his father, rather than engaging with him as an individual.
When you can reliably separate them, then you can explore your relationship with your son in its own right. Considering what you want from it, What you can accept and what boundaries you need to put in place to make the relationship work.

Yes this makes sense. Thank you. I have some work to do..

Well your son seems to be giving you back what you expect of him. He knows deep down that you don’t like him. Poor man.

I still love him and would do anything for him.

@GoodThinkingMax that's a very uplifting post

We spoke yesterday and he told me that he broke up with his girlfriend, and there was not a shred of emotion or compassion in him. I felt sad and sorry after the call because I've heard it all before..

op, why on earth do you think he would open up to you in this scenario? You haven’t seen him for 2 years, you sent him a book on narcissism to “help” him understand himself better and you start a thread saying some days you “despise” him even though you haven’t bloomin seen him in 2 years

You haven’t seen him for 2 years

what has he possibly done in that time for you to start a thread saying you dislike him and some days “despise” him

i would say have therapy and use it to gradually think through what to do?

It sounds as though so much is tangled up here that needs unteasing. Ultimately, it your son’s decision in terms of the man he wants to be now and your choice the woman you want to be now, including what sort of mother now. and honestly who knows what your son feels deep down or ‘is’ deep down. I had a much easier relationship with my mum but didn’t confide in her much.

So work that bit out - and then your son will make his own decisions based on that. Sorry you had such a tough marriage - life is very cruel sometimes.

I never criticise him when he tells me things (which he doesn't do a lot, as I pointed out). He mentioned the breakup and I told him repeatedly that this is his decision and that he doesn't need to justify it to me because he will know what's right for him. I did offer him a different perspective because I found it upsetting how he spoke about her, and I told him I hoped he wouldn't be telling her these things. Nobody should be told that they are stupid or not good enough - it's a terrible thing to do and I know how much damage such words cause.

OK, I accept that I am a terrible mother because that seems to be general consensus.