I dislike my aduld child :(

[Felida]

I know it sounds horrible and I should never say it out loud. There are days when I despise him, and others when I feel incredibly guilty for it. It's unnatural and I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I just can't help it. Am I the only one who feels like this or are there others who have been here?

Both of my sons are grown up and independent, and while I have a good relationship with one of them the other one seems to decline more and more. We used to get on, but things have become so tense.

My ex husband was a raging narcissist (my then therapist's diagnosis, not mine), and it took me decades to realise this. I worked so hard to overcome the trauma of this relationship, and I am fully aware that I let my children down by having stayed in this unit for so long. I cannot undo the past, and I am aware that it damaged them. One is so much like me that it sometimes scares me...he is gentle and I worry about him, because he runs danger of letting others walk over him. It's his brother though that I struggle with. We used to get on...but the older he gets the more similarities I see between himself and his father, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if I can do anything....

Of course I love him, and part of me is incredibly proud of him. He has some amazing traits, but the negative ones become more obvious now that I have seen them. Part of me thinks it's my fault, but I also don't know what to do about it. I tried talking to him about things, sent him books on the topic, but to no avail.

I'm conflicted and don't know what else to do, or if I can even do anything. It scares me to see how similar he is to his father, and I am really disliking him for it.

It's not something I can discuss with anyone obviously.
Is it just me or have others experienced something like this too?

I think you have subconsciously divided your children into your son and your ex-husband’s son.

From what you’ve described there seems the very little difference in your relationships with your sons - weekly phone calls and a visit a few times a year/ once a year.

Yet you clearly agree with one more than the other on the basis of how you feel after the interaction. Clearly your son either calls you or answers your call once a week which I think is very admirable of a man in what sounds like his early to mid thirties who has an, at best, difficult relationship with his mother.

Also, if he is in his thirties and is career minded plus having recently moved abroad then I think it’s quite understandable he isn’t overly interested in a relationship at the moment.

You really haven’t described anything truly dislike me about him from what I can see.

I have a strained relationship with my mum and a large part of it is because she stayed with my abusive dad for most of my childhood, and like you, only left him because my siblings and I intervened in the end. That is a huge responsibility to put on children. It will also have a life long negative impact on their ability to have relationships with others.

I think this is just something you are going to have to accept, that this is an outcome of your marriage. A weekly call and the odd visit actually sounds quite good to me.

Thank you all.
Yes, it could be that I divided them into "mine" and "his".
I know I haven't gone into much detail, but believe me, my son has done some spectacularly bad things that I helped him get out of because I think it was our fault that he turned that way. And he has changed and he has become a very different and driven person.
I think what triggered me was how he spoke about the girlfriend he broke up with. She was stupid, he could do better, etc. It was all so familiar, and I think that brought back feelings.
I sent him a text and asked him was he feeling alright, and that I was here any time he wanted to talk. He replied right away in a friendly tone. You are all right that I need to stop expecting him to be like his father.

I have a very strained relationship with my mother because she stayed with my psychotic narcicistic father. She has never accepted she let us down and thinks we should forgive and forget. I can't. My childhood was hellish and out of my control. It was not out of her control because she was an adult. She uses the classic excuse of shit parents everywhere "I did my best". When she is wanting to hurt me she says I am just like my father. I'm not. I will never ever forgive her for saying this. I tolerate her and that is that. Have you done the same to your son?

My goodness. This sounds very familiar. Even our age.

I'm so sorry this sounds familiar to you. Could you let me know how you dealt with this?

I don't think I told him that he was "just like" his father, but I did make comparisons unfortunately. He has told me before that he prefers to be like him over being like me, which I can understand. I'm sorry what happened to you and I probably did the same thing.

I agree with this. You will have absolutely made it clear to your sons your view that ex h is evil, you were victim couldn't do anything, and you're trying to replicate that in relationship with not liked son. He is bad and like his dad, poor you just trying your best....

Former therapist here. The best thing you can do for your son, and for you, is to go back into therapy. There is unfinished business.

could it be that he resents your because of his childhood circumstances? I have a difficult relationship with my mother and often find it difficult to stay in close contact. The main reason for this is that deep down I blame her for forcing me grow up and live with mental abuse (from my dad). And she still chooses to stay in that relationship. So there’s resentment and lots of unpleasant memories and feelings. My mother wasn’t a bad mother, she was kind and ok in all ways. Had she not chosen to keep her kids in that unhealthy family dynamic, we would probably have so much better relationship today.

@Felida is there a bit of projection here? Breaking up with someone unsuitable can be hugely freeing and the fact that he shared that with you indicates some closeness.

I wonder if you are, understandably, conflating issues re him and his dad.

Sorry for your trauma 💐

To be honest, from a completely unqualified internet random but who has experienced childhood trauma, his behaviour sounds a lot like a person trying to protect himself from further trauma.
Anger is easier to feel and project than pain.
it is easier to reject others before they reject you.
it is easier to shut down difficult emotions like sadness.
it is easier to pretend you aren’t feeling emotion in front of someone who was party to the trauma.
it is easier to lash out than open up.
it is easier to build a protective wall around yourself than let anyone in because they might hurt you.
it is easier not to trust anyone because your earliest experiences with relationships taught you that you couldn’t trust anyone.
it is easier to focus on success and materialism to project a certain version of yourself to the world than admit you are broken and hurting on the inside.
it is easier to never be vulnerable with anyone because one more person hurting you might be the final straw.
I wonder if he is as strong as you think. He sounds like a tremendously hurt person who experienced a horrendous childhood and is dealing with it the only way he knows how.

So much harsh judgement of the OP

Gosh I think a lot of these replies are extremely harsh. The truth is that many parents do not particularly like their adult children. They love them, yes, but like? Not so much.

There are a lot of arseholes in the world and all of them have had parents. Probably even Putin, Trump and BJ’s parents loved them.

It can be extremely difficult when a child has the same negative traits of an abusive ex. Mothers are human, in fact many are almost super human. They do their best but that does not equate to liking an adult child who is shallow and unfeeling.

Equally, many adult love their parents but do not particularly like them. For myself, my dad seemed like a nice person but I didn’t really get to know him, and my mother was a very violent and scary person. I had love for them both, I think? Certainly I was sad when they died. But like? Not really.

I too think there's a lot of harsh replies here, but it it MNadult children are independent with their own faults/foibles and idiosyncrasies, not easy to like sometimes. Guilt is also a wasted emotion.

OP It is good that you recognise, and acknowledge, that there is a problem. I think some therapy for yourself to enable you to understand your feelings.

I think you are over analysing it all and trying to be too 'deep' ... my DM loves to talk about family 'relationships' and it's all a bit tedious... none of us are perfect, just live and let live. Enjoy the simpler things without all the analysis.
And why should your DS want to go into detail about his break up with you? When I separated from my DH my DM was, probably trying in her own way to be supportive, but I just do not want to discuss the intricacies of my personal relationship with her ... as I would not wish to with my own adult DS.

Those saying harsh - where?

the op “dislikes” her son and sent him a book in narcissism as perhaps he could learn things about himself.

no one has been “harsh” but have been forthright in their response that perhaps the feeling of “dislike” is mutual and that if she really wants to repair broken bridges - to not send or mention the much-loved mumsnet descriptive term “narcissism”!

Wow, some of these replies are nasty and unhelpful.

OP I'm sorry you are struggling with your relationship with your son and sorry your ex husband turned out to be so awful.

How old is your son? A phone call every week sounds ok. I think maybe you are trying to overanalyse it.

OP.... this thread screams me me me. Its all about you and your eldest son making you feel better about you.

Sending the book was to (hopefully) ensure your son/s dont become their father and to make you feel better. Again me me me

You have let your sons down in the past and want forgiveness - again all about you - me me me

Learn to love and like yourself. Stop looking for outside approval

Stop trying to control your eldest son. He is who he is. Love him.

Stop liking your youngest son more because he is more like you (this is not necessarily good) and because he panders to your need to control the narrative and he says what you want to hear (this is not love)

Get some therapy where you sort YOU out rather than projecting all your character issues onto someone else

Not just dislikes even, by her own words there are days when she despises him. And he's supposed to love her,and have mushy ,touchy feely conversations with her and a close relationship?

You sent him books about Narcissism. That's most likely why you're not close. He probably thinks you're one too.

Sounds like he just wants to be loved and noticed for who he is and not just for being his father's son. Saying he'd rather be like his father prob wasn't true and said as defence mechanism . Give him space, the books etc ..put things like that aside. He needs to figure out who he is himself. You have apologised. All you can do now is let him breathe, be there for him and let him talk if he wants to. Consistency is key

One thing I will say is that you have been very humble in responding to the responses here (most of which I agree with) and clearly taken them in. You can recognise your own mistakes I think. That’s a great start and good luck with your phone call.

You have transposed all your feeling of your husband on to your child. Tbh I think you need therapy. You mustve unconsciously treated your child differently. I feel sorry for them.

I feel stifled just reading this thread. The weekly duty phone calls (the bare minimum he can get away with) with a woman he probably dislikes as much as you dislike him. Why don’t you ease off on the expectations you have of him and the regular contact, ditch the phone calls, and he may be more willing to get in touch. If you do send him texts please for the love of god don’t say “I’m bored” as a reason why you’re contacting him. Hes not a friend and it’s not up to him to entertain you with chat.