If this a fair judgement? Will I be a bad mum?

[SilentG1]

I don't have DC. I work a full time job, own my own flat, I go to the gym, I have friends/ family that I see regularly. I also (shock horror) enjoy a lie in on the weekend and like watching crap reality TV to wind down.
My boyfriend has told me he sometimes has doubts about how I would "perform" as a mother, which makes me feel rubbish and I feel unfair?
He said he wants the mother of his children to have a bit of "get up and go" and hobbies and motivation not someone who doesn't get out of bed until 9/10am on a weekend. Obviously if I had children my life would be totally different and I am well aware I won't be lazing around in bed on the weekend!
He is very highly strung and suffers from anxiety. He goes to crossfit early on a weekend and I often feel judged for wanting to have a lie in! I told him I'm never going to be a person to run a marathon or have a high flying career like him, but I have a decently paid job for a good company which I enjoy.
I work out a few times a week. I wouldnt say i have any "obvious" hobbies, which is apparently also a problem, but I enjoy reading, seeing friends and family and really enjoy decorating my home and interior design and but it doesn't feel good enough for him.
Can you compare someone without DC to someone with DC? Does he have a point and should I be making an effort to show him that I would be a good mother by doing these things he's suggesting?
It's making me feel inferior to him and affecting my self esteem a little.

Can you compare someone without DC to someone with DC? Does he have a point and should I be making an effort to show him that I would be a good mother by doing these things he's suggesting?

No and no. Actually - the answer to your second question is definitely not. He sounds awful and very critical (which, in my experience, is not a good trait in a potential father……)

Ouch. Him using using word "perform" would really piss me off.

Apart from crossfit you haven't said much about what he does. Does he realise that his hobbies would have to take a backseat if you had DC? Or would he expect you to do it all?

I mean I'd probably secretly judge someone who has no kids and is healthy, is not hugely ambitious in their career and has no real interests outside of work, to be brutally honest. You don't need to be a high flyer on all fronts but I'd want a relationship with someone who had passion for something rather than just... I don't know, consuming. Consuming TV or "interior design" which is buying stuff for your house (making stuff is different).

But assuming you are happy and calm in your own skin, who cares what I might think? You wouldn't want to go out with me, I'm awful and judgy and not for you! So the question is do you want to be with your partner, who clearly is also looking for something different?

I know you won't want to hear this, but cut him free! He is not a nice person & he will expect you to do everything (should you be daft enough to have his baby!)

what's the housing situation? Does he own a house/flat, does he contribute to yours?

tell him you think he's right, you'll be a shit wife & mother & you are setting him free to find someone to fetch his slippers & look after the home & babies. fuckwit!!

don't listen to his carping on, you'll make a much better mum than he will Dad!!

Have you let him know that judgemental pricks don’t tend to “perform” well as great dads? Or, incidentally, as romantic partners…?

Just by way of comparison and all.

Firstly, he sounds like he’s putting you down, do you want the father of your children to be such a judgemental arse. Turn it around, what kind of person do you want to have children with, someone who lifts you and your kids up or gives them a list of how they are not “performing”. How do you really think he would perform as a father?

Secondly, pre kid DH used to regularly still be sleeping at 11am on weekends, now he’s up on both days as soon as Dd is up to make her breakfast.

Sorry, he is STILL your boyfriend after saying that? What an absolute twat.

He’s horrible for saying that, of course you can’t compare. I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful mother but he sounds like a twat.

Do not have children with this man. He's going to expect you to 'perform' as a mother . He will never stop picking at you as you will not meet whatever ideal he has in mind.

Tell him, if he's that concerned about your potential as a future mother, he can piss off and find someone he thinks will be more suitable. You'll be well rid.

Not a keeper.

I think it also my general more relaxed attitude to life. For example I started painting my hallway and life got in the way and then 3 weeks later I am yet to finish it. Which he has criticised and is asking why have you just left it, you don't have that motivation to finish it, that's not a good trait etc etc.
For me the hallway is not going anywhere and I'm happy to finish it when I have a quiet weekend and it is not a problem to me!
He likes doing "jobs" getting things done and is generally more proactive than me.

You shouldn't be auditioning for his idea of what the role of mother looks like. He's prescriptive and critical and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship or have DCs with him because he will apply all of that rigidity and judgement to the DCs.

As for comparing pre and post DCs - obviously DCs impact your life. But, anecdotally from my family and friendship group, the women who had hobbies before DC still had hobbies after DC. The ones who didn't have hobbies pre-DC , didn't have them after DC. Becoming a parent didn't change their personality or approach to filling free time. But having or not having hobbies didn't impact on their ability to be a good mum. Being confident in yourself - including your activity levels - is the best example you can give your DC.

Interior design is not just “buying stuff for your house” 🙄

You sound like an intelligent person, yet here you are with this bellend. You should have shown him the door the moment that shit came out of his mouth. If you don't see this for the red flag that it is, it's concerning.

For the love of God don't have kids with him! And actually I'd say he sounds like a potentially shit father - mean to the mother of his children, judgemental and probably going to force his children to do loads of activities while prioritising his own work and hobbies over them. I can totally imagine him being one of those awful dad's who turns up to sports events and screams at them too!

Another one who says get rid of that guy.

Question him what sort of father he will be when he is constantly out and about doing stuff and "getting up and go" how will that work with a baby and a toddler. They.change your life.

Mine are late teens early 20s and I still like a lie in. I'm not interested in a high flying career or running a marathon. I am a damn good mother though. And have a close relationship to my 4.

What makes a good parent is how much effort you put in. Not how much stuff you do for you.

I'm a bit like you (and don't have kids either). If something can wait then it waits, no biggie. Some people like to tick things off for the sake of it, a sense of achievement or whatever. He sounds especially highly strung tbh. It could be a case of you just not being compatible but whoever used the word "auditioning" is right. It's like he's emotionally blackmailing you into being something you're not, because how you are isn't good enough for him. You'll be forever jumping through hoops for him.

I think it also my general more relaxed attitude to life. For example I started painting my hallway and life got in the way and then 3 weeks later I am yet to finish it.

To be honest, this would annoy me too. It sounds as if you're not well suited and might be happier going your separate ways.

However, none of this is anything to do with how you would "perform" (urgh) as a mum. There are many ways to be a good mum. If anything, being relaxed and enjoying the moment (rather than constantly striving and feeling frustrated about things) is likely to make you a great mum. So he can shove that up his arse.

Don't be having children with someone who doesn't think you're great.
There's someone else out there who will be the sort of person who says,
"It's not as if the hallway is going anywhere, and I can do an hour or so on it in the meantime - we'll get it done in the end!"

If he's judging you already, how is he going to act when you are knackered due to no sleep, haven't washed your hair in days, and (potentially) can't pick socks up off the floor because of a recent c-section?
Importantly, what kind of dad do you think he will be - do you want your kids to feel like failures?

It's making me feel inferior to him and affecting my self esteem a little. You don't need to put up with this. Leave him.

People are motivated by different things and you're motivations seem more compatible with a family life. A baby would be motive for you and that wouldn't be the case for him. He would probs feel like a baby would get in his way and mess with his strict routine.

You just aren't a good fit, the hall thing would drive me insane. If you start a job finish it, but that's my outlook and its not right to force it on you.

You will probably make an excellent mother, laid back, relaxed, take things in your stride but he is driven and ambitious and would want children doing extra curricular every day - neither approach is wrong just different.

He however is a bellend and waving red flags because he is critical of the person you are.

I hope that when he critiqued your potential mothering skills, you reciprocated and gave him your analytical critique of his future fathering skills?

I think as long as you have got your life together (and it sounds like you have), you will make a perfectly good mum. In fact your sensible attitude means you would probably be a great mum.

The sort of things that wouldn’t bode well would be a hopeless drink or drug problem, no work ethic, money problems, being too lazy to even get out of bed at all, living in a pigsty. Being highly strung and anxious is more of a problem than liking a lie in.

As someone who is separating after 30 plus years of marriage, please please address this issue of him criticising you and making you feel inferior.

My husband needs to always be right. He also does not see me as someone who has a right to my own thought and feelings, especially when I disagree with him. It has destroyed this marriage.

I feel for the children he does have...They're going to grow up balls of anxiety and stress, never able to relax and living their lives in a state of constant of hyper-perfectionism.

I don't have children yet. At the weekend, I often lie in until lunchtime. I'm free to do so and I enjoy it.

I have one parent who likes to get lots done in the day and one who is so laid back that your boyfriend would think they are so lazy they're not a suitable member of society.

I have absorbed traits from both of them. Consequently, I'm a driven, dont-waste-time, live your life to the full person who knows the value of incorporating laziness into your life.

It's a huge benefit to you health and many people with mental health problems don't realise how much we need to spend time just doing nothing.

You'll be a fantastic mum, op.

Think you deserve a better bf though!

There's nothing wrong with you, i bet you'd be a fantastic mum. He sounds like a pompous dickhead though.