If this a fair judgement? Will I be a bad mum?

[SilentG1]

I don't have DC. I work a full time job, own my own flat, I go to the gym, I have friends/ family that I see regularly. I also (shock horror) enjoy a lie in on the weekend and like watching crap reality TV to wind down.
My boyfriend has told me he sometimes has doubts about how I would "perform" as a mother, which makes me feel rubbish and I feel unfair?
He said he wants the mother of his children to have a bit of "get up and go" and hobbies and motivation not someone who doesn't get out of bed until 9/10am on a weekend. Obviously if I had children my life would be totally different and I am well aware I won't be lazing around in bed on the weekend!
He is very highly strung and suffers from anxiety. He goes to crossfit early on a weekend and I often feel judged for wanting to have a lie in! I told him I'm never going to be a person to run a marathon or have a high flying career like him, but I have a decently paid job for a good company which I enjoy.
I work out a few times a week. I wouldnt say i have any "obvious" hobbies, which is apparently also a problem, but I enjoy reading, seeing friends and family and really enjoy decorating my home and interior design and but it doesn't feel good enough for him.
Can you compare someone without DC to someone with DC? Does he have a point and should I be making an effort to show him that I would be a good mother by doing these things he's suggesting?
It's making me feel inferior to him and affecting my self esteem a little.

So does he live in your home with you? You sound great - so what if you want to lie in at the weekends? It doesn't affect him anyway if he goes out to the gym then.

Then he should go and find that person.

You want to hear this while you're mother of his children?
You think he will just stop putting you down like this?

Pre DS I loved a lie in, I'm off work today I've been up with DS since 7am, took him swimming this morning, came home made yogurt and fruit 'I've lollies' with him, we're now at the beach with a picnic lunch waiting for a friend and her DC. This afternoon we're going to the aquarium. I also work full time. I still like a bit of reality TV to switch my brain off after a hard day at work!
Your boyfriend sounds like a dick.

There’s no real way of knowing what you’ll be like as a mother. I had quite a relaxing life pre kids. Enjoy it while you can. I think I’m a pretty damn good mother and so does my dh.

You sound like a perfectly normal person! He on the other hand…. Someone who constantly criticises you, puts you down and makes you feel inadequate is not a good partner and would be an even worse father.

If you were misguided enough to have kids with him we’d be seeing typical MN posts about how he goes off to CrossFit while you look after the baby 24/7, moans about the house not being tidy enough and tells you you’re doing everything wrong.

Who knows what you'll be like as a mother. He sounds like a dick. I wouldn't be having kids with someone who criticised me like that , imagine if you had PND or parented differently?

But you do have hobbies and interests, they're just different to his.

Seriously, don't have children with him! He sounds horribly judgemental and narrow-minded, traits which don't make for a great parent.

You sound really incompatible, and you sound really incompatible as a potential parental unit. It sounds like you would have very different parenting styles and he'd stubbornly insist that his way is the only right way.

I'm much more like you. The hallway thing is so the sort of thing I'd do! There's nothing wrong with that. I'd resent being with someone who wanted me to be a more "get up and go" sorta gal. The incompatibilities you have could work so long as both people are willing to accept their partner as they are. He's not willing to accept you as you are.

I think you need to think about whether you really see a sustainable future with this man.

Thanks all. Yes he's very much a "get jobs done" person and will schedule this into his routine (often at a detriment to us spending time together). For me- I work 9 hour days plus gym and don't have a lot of downtime, so for me I will always prioritise a fun day out with people I love at the weekend, which is why sometimes practical things like painting take a backseat until a rainy day. My home is generally always clean and tidy though- this I believe is important.
Good point in terms of his hobbies. He goes to crossfit most days, he plays golf on average once a week and is a high level manager in his profession. (compared to me, a lowly executive assistant 😉)
I don't get the impression he would be happy to relinquish any of these for parenthood as they are very much part of his routine!

I don’t know about you but if a guy spoke to me like that I’d tell him to take his “get up and go” and get up and go away with it.

Personally I see it as a huge red flag that your boyfriend who you do not have kids with is already telling you a) that he expects you to perform motherhood to his standard b) he’s already decided you’re going to fail at that.

Maybe I’m too quick to say LTB though.

I don’t think you will be a bad mother - you sound great - I don’t have many hobbies and was fine having a lie in pre-kids. But now I do more activities with the kids than DH (who has work and his own hobbies)

but it is valid and sensible to discuss how you would like to bring up your kids now - as your views may not be compatible. Would you want your kids to do lots of activities/extra learning outside school? What are your approaches to discipline? would you each be willing to adapt your life for kids? - would he be happy to reduce/give up CrossFit and help with night feeds? Would you be happy to complete DIY/painting jobs quickly so that toddler does not trip over chemicals etc? Would he be happy to help you out if you get stuck and vice versa? Are you both happy to contribute equally as parents in financial and non-financial ways - or would you split it into SAHP and WOHP? I would not want to be a sahp with your bf being sole breadwinner as he sounds v critical.

Also - have you discussed what you would do if it was difficult to conceive etc. me and DH agreed before marriage that we would want to adopt in this case. Although views can change, it’s good to have an idea of the other person’s opinion before marrying/having kids.

Do you know what would make you a great mum? Having a supportive partner.

He doesn’t sound like someone you should be having DC with but that’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

I remember your last threads. Your boyfriend is a knob! Find someone that doesn't critisize you all the time, someone who will be a good dad, (he won't!) and believes that you'll be a good mum, because you will be.

Well, whether you will want children or not, don't have them with him.
He'll expect you to do everything while he carries on doing what he wants

I'd be saying well, how well will you perform? Will you be doing night feeds? Giving up your running? Taking parental leave? Doing half the work? Leaving work if the school rings and says the child is ill?

And on and on and on.

I like a lie in. I have several kids. On weekends they're now old enough to get themselves up, make themselves breakfast and then they come and have a chat to me as I lie in bed.

DH leaps out of bed in the morning at the crack of dawn.

I'm a night owl- which is now coming in useful for picking up teens out with Mates.

He doesn't judge me, I don't judge him.

Being laid back is no barrier to being a good mum. He's talking rubbish.

🚩 🚩 🚩

honestly, do not have children with someone who criticises you like this. Trust me, I’ve got the t shirt, you’re condemning yourself to a half life and ducking misery.

Golf? What's the betting that wouldn't be stopping if you had children together?

Life is too short to be performance-managed in your free time. The defining people's worth by their 'doing' would also worry me in terms of whether your children would be free to be themselves. I do actually think being outward-looking, a 'joiner' and having interests is an important part of role-modelling for children, but OTOH this one sounds rather as if he would be prone to imposing a narrow list of Approved Activities and failing to appreciate the point at which backing off a bit is vital.

So although you’re not good enough for him - he is making that quite clear, he doesn’t have enough get up and go to fuck off. I’d sort that out for him OP. Perhaps prioritise that job!

You sound like you'd be a fine mum. He sounds like he'd be a pushy, nagging, anxiety inducing dad. Don't have kids with him.

Do not have kids with this man. Ever. Forget whether he thinks you would be a good enough mother ( you would 100%), is this what you want for yourself, let alone as the father for any potential kids? Adding children into a relationship will find any incompatibilites and exaggerate them tenfold, so instead of him being highly strung and judgy, he will be really really highly strung and judgy at a time when you absolutely need to be pulling together to have a chance of the relatiionship lasting longer term.
Anyone who makes you feel rubbish, inferior and is affecting your self esteem needs to go. Cut him loose and find someone who's compatible with you and makes you feel amazing.

The hallway thing, that’s the only thing I would give him the benefit of the doubt
the rest, he sounds like a judgemental prick and forget what kind of mother you would be… let’s analyse what kind of parent is he going to be?
is he willing to give up his game nights, reduce the amount of time at CrossFit and encourage the kids, without criticism?
for what is worth, pre kids I used to wake up around 11 on the weekends… I would love to do that now, but I do get up early… you just adjust - you sound like you will adjust and will do what it takes… him not so much
For what is worth, I still watch crap tv to unwind… and still manage to be a good parent - my watching habits are in no way correlated to my h ability to parent

He goes to crossfit early on a weekend

So he'll be giving this up then be an actual parent or expect you to do everything so it doesn't impact his life at all?

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with this man.

Nothing you do will every be good enough and he will eventually wear away your self-worth until you feel like nothing.

It's making me feel inferior to him and affecting my self esteem a little

He has already started.

Honestly, end this now.

I mean I'd probably secretly judge someone who has no kids and is healthy, is not hugely ambitious in their career and has no real interests outside of work, to be brutally honest. You don't need to be a high flyer on all fronts but I'd want a relationship with someone who had passion for something rather than just... I don't know, consuming. Consuming TV or "interior design" which is buying stuff for your house (making stuff is different).

I'll never understand this attitude, bearing in mind some of the absolute wasters out there dragging up kids!
And in what world is filling a house with toys and making regular visits to soft play and Peppa Pig World not 'consuming'?!

This isn't an attack on parents by the way, just on this dumb way of thinking.