Bf of 9 years left me because I failed a year at uni

[Anon1324]

I have been with my partner for 9 years and recently got engaged. I have been training at uni for the past 4 years and Throughout this time he has been financially supporting us. In my final year at uni we had a baby, now 9months, and he was adamant that I do not defer a year and carry on to finish my degree with my little one. I did this but I have recently found out I failed an exam which means I cannot pass the year. Because of this he has told me it’s over as I don’t work hard enough and I’m lazy. He says that I don’t know what it’s like to work hard. I understand he pays for everything so it must be annoying that I won’t have a job this year but he won’t even listen to me when I tell him I’ll get a job for the summer while I’m off. Money isn’t too tight and it’s not like we can’t afford anything. Basically I don’t know what to do as he won’t talk to me and has made me feel like a failure when he should be my shoulder to cry on. Oh and he took my ring off me.

Sounds like an excuse to me.

No one knows if what he is saying has any merit but based on the fact you’ve just had a baby I’m inclined to think he is being totally unreasonable.
There’s a reason most people don’t do a quick masters on their maternity leave!
The fact he would leave you after you’ve had a baby together says he isn’t a very nice person.
I had PND after my first child and was very difficult to live with. My DH didn’t divorce me, he supported and helped me.

I agree it sounds like he’s using the uni thing as an excuse to dump you.
Im so sorry as you have a 9mo old that you’re probably going to be raising by yourself.
As for what to do, you need to find a place to live- is going to your parents an option?

Yes, it's an excuse. The bastard.

Time to focus on yourself and your baby.

He’s behaved in a really nasty way.

I’m assuming the baby was unplanned? Did he want the pregnancy to continue? As it sounds as though he’s regretting the burden of a baby to support as well as you and your studies.

I’d take him at his word and and make steps accordingly. You’ll be eligible for financial support and help with childcare whilst you finish your degree. Open a CMS claim as one of the first things you do.

University lecturer here. Do you not have the opportunity to resit in August so you can pass the module? Also I would talk to your wellbeing / mental health support team and see if they can give you any advise about applying to do so without a capped grade due to extuqting circumstances at home. Say you had planned to defer but were pressured into doing the year even with a newborn baby. This will allow you to graduate this year and get a job.
Regarding your dick of a partner. Good riddance, he clearly has no idea what the fuck he's talking about if he thinks the final year of uni with a tiny baby is easy.

This may be either the final straw or something he will backtrack about in the next few days.

If I were you, I would concentrate in showing rather than talking, start looking for a child minder and a job straight away. He should be feeling very stressed with all the price increases and being the only earner.

Just show him that the fact that you need to resist one exam doesn’t mean he will continue to be the only one working for another year.

But I agree, trying to study full time with a tiny baby and do well is only possible if he is doing at least half of the childcare.

Well, he's a charmer. Even if back tracks, he's shown you what he really thinks of you.

Listen to him. He is telling you he doesn't like you, that he thinks you're lazy.

Do you really want to marry a man that thinks that of you? Really?

Fab advice from CoffeeAddict ❤️

but as others have said - it’s not about just failing a year of Uni, is it.

Agree with all of this. Our eldest son failed three of his exams his first year (due to mental health issues). He was able to resit them and do so without a capped grade due to extenuating circumstances, after liaising with the well-being support team at his uni.

Excuse or genuine, he's a dick. I worked through my uni year with new born and new babies and it nearly killed me. I TOLD him I was deferring the next year (started and it was too much) and all he SUGGESTED was that I only had one year off so I didn't lose momentum. And yes he works whilst I stay home with the kids and study.

Lucky escape long term.

Is it OU or brick Uni? I'd do everything I can to redo what needs redoing to pass and pro e to him and yourself how wrong he is

I wouldn't complete the extra bit this year rather than redo the year, if it'd leave you with a bad grade. The grade makes such a difference to how much a degree helps your employability. A good grade can open doors for you.

Your boyfriend sounds like a bellend BTW.

Please dont marry him. He doesnt think much of you. Just find a way to peacefully co parent with him. If you marry him its will end in disaster. Leave him and get yourself on your feet. You can get your degree and get a job. The only way is up!

Him being “adamant” you carry on in the first place is awful.

He sounds horrible. Great advice from CoffeeAddict.

Sounds like an excuse to dump you. Ring your university, see if you can resit the exam in August.

The correct answer.

It was a mistake not to defer the year IMHO. But he talked you into it. But sounds like he can't be depended on. Took your ring off you. That's awful. Who does that.

He hasn’t left you because of that he’s left because he’s a nasty man. Adamant you don’t take maternity leave, calling you lazy (who has been minding his child I bet it’s you) taking your ring (legally it’s your ring)
Seriously don’t marry him. Speak to Uni asap - you can get it sorted. Then sort out your life so you aren’t with him.

I think he's being awful and there's no excuse for that.

But what is his job situation like? Is he happy at work or does he want to leave. The only way this might be understandable is if he feels totally trapped in something that is making him miserable and ill and he's lashing out in all the wrong ways.

Don't make hasty decisions, you have a small child, but do have your eyes open to what is/isn't acceptable behaviour.

Can someone have your child for a couple of hours because you really need to talk and ask him what is really going on.

If he can't do that then there's no future.

Well he's an A grade coward.

Cherchez la femme.

He's shown you who he is. Grieve the man you thought you knew and move on. If you grovel and hobble along this will only end in tears and with more children....He's punishing you. He thinks he has that right. Do you? Is that how you want to live? His love is very conditional and at some point he will remove it be it now or later. He's an awful awful man!