Bf of 9 years left me because I failed a year at uni

[Anon1324]

I have been with my partner for 9 years and recently got engaged. I have been training at uni for the past 4 years and Throughout this time he has been financially supporting us. In my final year at uni we had a baby, now 9months, and he was adamant that I do not defer a year and carry on to finish my degree with my little one. I did this but I have recently found out I failed an exam which means I cannot pass the year. Because of this he has told me it’s over as I don’t work hard enough and I’m lazy. He says that I don’t know what it’s like to work hard. I understand he pays for everything so it must be annoying that I won’t have a job this year but he won’t even listen to me when I tell him I’ll get a job for the summer while I’m off. Money isn’t too tight and it’s not like we can’t afford anything. Basically I don’t know what to do as he won’t talk to me and has made me feel like a failure when he should be my shoulder to cry on. Oh and he took my ring off me.

Your Bf sounds like he's financially abusive. Who has been looking after the 9 month old this entire time? Consider the unpaid work you have contributed as part of this family and stop feeling grateful to this utter dick.

It's hard being a single parent, I won't lie. But it's way, way better than being tied to a horrible man.

When you speak to your uni again it would be worth explaining that you wanted to defer but weren’t ‘allowed’ to.

Did you work prior to going to Uni?

I can't believe that you even tried to complete a Uni degree through pregnancy and having a newborn.

Did he look after the baby so you could study?

He sounds like an absolute twat sorry, and he should be supporting you not beating you with a stick.

Do what the PP suggested and request to resit the exam, you had baby etc they should let you.

What were your previous three years like? Did you work hard? Part time job? Either he is an arse or failing the exam was the final straw.

after such a long time what prompted the engagement?

The engagement after 9 years was a red flag to me too. Was he worried his control over you would slip once you started work.
Please talk to Uni today.

Such a strange response from your partner. Something more is clearly going on here.

If he wasn't prepared to stay and support you then wtf did he have a baby with you? Surely he knew that one of you (likely you) would have to work less for a few years to take care of the kid, even once your uni finished.So it's definitely a load of shit that he decided to break up with you now. He's a knob.

Sod him op, you're well out of it. If the year can't be fixed then can you just ask for your degree for the 3 years and resit your fourth year some other time in future?

I don't think this would go well tbh. OP is an adult, she alone will have ultimately made the choice not to defer. She would have been the one to fill in the forms and apply to defer, not her boyfriend.

I'm a bit torn on this one. I think if I financially supported DH for FOUR years solo so he could do a course and then he failed it which meant another year before some help providing financially for the family I'd be utterly dismayed. I wouldn't leave him, and I suspect there's more going on that is leading OP's boyfriend to have decided it's over, but some people would. Lots of people study with kids of different ages, while working full time (yes, even on placement focused degrees) and the onus is on you to ensure you're on top of things, studying, and so forth. I find it hard to believe that you can completely fail such a crucial exam without any inkling beforehand that you might have an issue with it. Was it not attending the lectures? Not studying? What?

Ultimately it's over so all you can do is move on. But this man to be fair has paid for OP to go study full time for 2-3 years before even having their baby. I can understand his ire at OP having that opportunity funded by him and messing it up.

I don't think so, I read the OP as this was her fourth and final year. Medicine is 5/6 years. Regardless, med schools have retakes like other degrees. As PPs have said, they are capped at the pass mark though unless there are mitigating circumstances. Unless OP has failed both the exam and the retake this year.

The issue OP might have is there are usually deadlines for applying for mitigating circumstances. I would guess she has missed them if the results are out. She may need "mitigating circumstances" for why she didn't apply for mitigating circumstances within the deadline.

OP, I'm really sorry this has happened but I agree with PPs that you may have dodged a bullet. I wouldn't be surprised if he is "punishing you" and will change his mind and come back showering you with love, affection and apologies. He has told you who he really is though - a controlling bully. Listen and run for the hills.

No he didn't.
He used that as an excuse because he wanted to leave you but wanted to pretend to himself that he's got some sort of reason and he's not simply a sack of crap walking out on his partner and baby.

Did you work before this and are you struggling financially?

He sounds like an arse but I’m wondering if he’s struggling to pay for himself, you and a child out of just his wage and he’s been holding in a lot of stress over it without wanting to worry you and now he’s realised you can’t get a job yet so he’s snapped.

I would see if there’s any way to re-take your exam and if not you need to look into getting a weekend or evening job to help bring some money in.

It is not fair that he has blamed you when many people would struggle studying whilst being pregnant and having a baby.

Im also in HE and love this advice especially the words about your dick of a partner. The university will /should look at your situation sympathetically.
I’m sorry you are in this position but in the long run you are so much better off without the dick. Good luck to you and your baby.

I've heard so many horrible stories about men being absolute twats lately and been on the receiving end myself although from my boss so slightly different.
Makes my blood boil and I am losing respect for men in general at the mo.
It sounds as if you can do way better so I'd run and don't look back lovely. Honestly just take some time for you and your baby. I know it's so easy for people to say move on and dont look back. Obviously it's easier said than done but you deserve so much better.

Thanks for all the support. I would just like to mention he has not been financially supporting me as in paying for me and the baby. I pay my own bills (car, phone, food shop, meals out) through savings and student finance. I also pay for everything for the baby (baby milk, clothes etc). He puts a roof over our heads and pays the house bills and he can afford this- he treats himself to new things all the time and has savings. He would actually be paying more without me like the food shop and clothes, milk and nappies for the baby. So it’s not like I’ve been scrounging off him for 4 years. I do pay my own bills. I have made a plan of action to resit in autumn which means delaying my job by only a few months but this isn’t good enough for him! He’s been very verbally abusive and I’d love to leave him but I have no where to go and I also have a dog which I couldn’t bear to leave!

I'm so sorry your partner is not who you thought he was.
Knowing there's an end date in sight when you graduate. A decent partner should be supportive of you and DC
It must've been very hard to even revise for your exams whilst caring for a baby
I'm shocked that he had the nerve to call you lazy! How nasty
Ultimately a degree is worth more than your DP
Contact your Uni asap as I believe you can resit due to mitigating circumstances.
There are also Student support funds available including crèche and help with child and accommodation costs(DS did a masters at Bristol)
Please don't panic, but do consider your future with/ without your partner

If you only failed one exam, you will most likely get the chance to resit in the summer or at the start of next year. Speak to your tutors to find out.

Can you speak to the uni and see if they can help with temporary accommodation?

Who’s dog is it?
If it’s yours can you ask a family or friend to have it until you’re settled?

You can't stay with someone so awful because of the dog. He has no thought for you - what it is like studying, having a baby, and you say he has been verbally abusive. It also sounds like he was bullying and making decisions you should have been making on your own before this - like forcing you not to defer a year. Take the baby and the dog if it is yours and go to a friend and ring social service, uni help centre, Citizen's Advice, everywhere. you're paying for the baby anyway but I know you'll need rent help from what you've said. Get some help to get a bedsit and benefits. But for God's sake don't accept that ring back.

I feel for you, I really do. But better now with one baby than ten years down the line with 2 or 3 kids to care for on your own.

He sounds awful

Christ, what an awful bloke. Get rid of him and sort out a resit FOR YOU. Do all of it for you. Good luck OP x

He sounds dreadful OP. Poor you and your baby. Please don’t stay with him because of the dog. Your well being and baby’s future is the more important than anything and staying with this prick risks your happiness. You owe it to yourself and baby to get out.

He is awful. You will be much better off without him.

He’s a prick OP. If you passing was so important to him, why did he think having a baby right now was a good option? It all sounds like control, a way to keep you down. And imagine having a baby with someone knowing that you’ll leave them if they don’t pass an exam? Incredibly stupid, irresponsible and selfish of him.

I think you need to look at ways to get out OP. Great news about the resit!

He’s been very verbally abusive and I’d love to leave him but I have no where to go and I also have a dog which I couldn’t bear to leave

Imagine explaining to your child in a few years time, when this wanker is being verbally abusive, controlling etc. to them and you, that you wanted to leave, but didn't because of the dog.

I mean it, but not in a cruel way at all OP, I know it's so hard. Find the strength for you and your baby.