Bf of 9 years left me because I failed a year at uni

[Anon1324]

I have been with my partner for 9 years and recently got engaged. I have been training at uni for the past 4 years and Throughout this time he has been financially supporting us. In my final year at uni we had a baby, now 9months, and he was adamant that I do not defer a year and carry on to finish my degree with my little one. I did this but I have recently found out I failed an exam which means I cannot pass the year. Because of this he has told me it’s over as I don’t work hard enough and I’m lazy. He says that I don’t know what it’s like to work hard. I understand he pays for everything so it must be annoying that I won’t have a job this year but he won’t even listen to me when I tell him I’ll get a job for the summer while I’m off. Money isn’t too tight and it’s not like we can’t afford anything. Basically I don’t know what to do as he won’t talk to me and has made me feel like a failure when he should be my shoulder to cry on. Oh and he took my ring off me.

This new info makes him sound even worse!
Seriously OP, can you take Baby and Dog and go and stay with your Mum? Is there anyone else who could foster the dog if your Mum couldn't have it? He is a complete and utter Cockwallaper

You failed an exam- these things happen! Could you ever be comfortable with this man? Say you lost a job, or go through a rough patch in work and need support- this man was never going to be what you deserve in a relationship, and though I'm so sorry you're in this situation, long term you will be so much better off without him. He sounds horrible.
I'm sorry if I've missed this, but have you family you could even stay with for a bit? Somewhere you could bring the baby and your dog with you while you figure out the next steps?

Talk to student housing. Over summer there may be accommodation empty until the autumn term begins.

WTF is he like ? My DD did her MSC in a year flat, and was working flat out! No baby or BF and no time to eat practically! He doesnt sound very nice .Move on and make sure you get child support .If hes this unkind now what will he be like long term I wonder?

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He’s basically punishing you for his perception that you haven’t worked hard enough. If he can leave you this easily after nine years, your relationship is not secure and even if he doesn’t leave you now, he will at some point - do you really want to live like that ? With a man who puts conditions on love and thinks he has the right to punish your ‘transgressions’ as he sees fit ?

He's not really breaking up with her...he's making a point of letting her know he holds all the power and he will punish as he sees fit. He's a nasty man. Op, take your power back and leave him. He's shown you who he is.

@Anon1324 Also be aware that coercive control, emotional abuse and domestic violence often seem to start when there is a new baby. It only ever gets worse. He'll break you if you stay. You're worth so much more than this.

He's told you it's over, so now take your baby (and dog) and leave. Stay with a friend or family member for a while, sort out the practicalities and speak to the uni. Go get that degree and build a much better life for yourself and your child than you could ever have with this sh*t of a man. Wishing you strength

I assume you are not in the UK because resit would be in August?

I'm sorry but the exam is an excuse. He wants to break up. Just walk away with your dignity intact.

He is an abusive cunt. Financially abusive. Does not contribute towards his own child so I doubt he lifted a finger to help with actually parenting. If you left he would have to pay CSA. What an absolute scummy useless father.

Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

I highly doubt you wanted to fail. Or wanted to have to study while pregnant and with a baby.

And there are no medals for supporting your own family. It's called team work.

He sounds like a selfish arsehole. If you have family, lean on them. If your partner comes back with his tail between his legs then I would expect a major apology and long term effort to renew the trust.

If he doesn't, then good riddance. If he were to marry you (as he intended hence engagement) then it's in sickness and in health. Yet he can't treat you kindly when you've failed one exam? He really needs to get a grip

Another academic here, OP. Your situation is unusual and appalling and your so-called partner is contemptible.

I am delighted to hear you have made a plan to resit, because as PPs have said that isn’t usually an option for final year students. Because of your unusual situation and the suggestion in your posts that this horrible guy has been exerting control, I do think that if you haven’t already spoken with a Student Support Officer in your School, or the Director of Undergraduate Studies, you need to do that immediately. If your plan has already been agreed by the School then all I can say is Well Done You. And please, please leave this poor excuse for a man and put in a claim with CMS at the first opportunity. Very best wishes

She will. One of my final year students is resitting two exams and revising for these over the summer, retaking in August. This will allow her to graduate late.

So the way I see it it's one of two things;

1-He's been looking for an excuse to break things off and this is what he's choosing to enable him to end the relationship 'for a good reason'.

2-He's an abusive asshole and is enjoying the fear and anguish his words have caused you as well as putting the fear of God into you so you never 'fail' him again. If this is the case, he will magnanimously 'forgive you' for your 'failings' after he's made you suffer AND extracted all kinds of promises from you about your 'future behaviour'.

Either way, you need to end this relationship and get the hell away from him. Preferably try to find alternative accommodations (will Uni help?) so you have some peace to study and 'regroup' yourself. If that's not possible, grit your teeth and hang on there until you resit in August. Then get the hell out of Dodge.

Congratulations on your baby and getting through the year, and sorting out resits. You are clearly a very capable person and able to work your way through difficulties. As pp have advised, talk to student support and tell them of your difficulties.

He is behaviour sounds reprehensible and mean. Confiscating your engagement ring as punishment sounds like the icing on a very petty and spiteful cake.
Steal it back and sell it!

I probably shouldn't have suggested stealing it. On the other hand if he gave it to you - it's yours.

Dogs trust can foster a dog temporarily. Pets often keep people in abusive situations, which is why shelters and helplines often have good advice about what to do with them while you leave. Womens Aid or your local refuge is a good place to talk to. If you are going to be homeless with a baby, your local council should help. Talking to your university is the best place to start.

You’re better off without him. WTAF I can’t believe what I just read!!!

You can get through this OP - and still come out of it with your little family (baby, dog), a place to call home and your degree. And without the useless ex-fiancé.

Make sure you tell the people who care about you what he has done. Don’t conceal his cruelty in some sense of misguided loyalty. He WILL be re-writing your history to anyone that’ll listen to him; make sure your important people know the truth.

I agree with telling people the truth before he starts spreading his lies.

”He wouldn’t let you” it wasn’t up to him though was it?
Sounds like serious control issues. You had a baby uni is tough. Pick yourself up and carry on with your course. If he didn’t want to support you he should have said. What kind of man leaves his fiancée and baby because of an exam?

The only person who has failed is him, for not supporting you & your child

Go to your uni & ask for advice ASAP

Good luck

This x1000
There seems to be an entire generation of these users disguising and guilt tripping women cause "equality".

Well ultimately he might have done you a favour. Is this the type of relationship and person you want to be involved with long term? Is this the supportive partner you need? Is this the man you want to help raise your child and shape his/her values? I would look for the ring and keep it. The law is clear jewellery is for the woman to keep, unless it is an heirloom. Take control, prepare to leave. You will likely get much better quality study time away from all this toxic tension at home. Good luck OP. You've done amazing, don't let a coward tell you otherwise because he thinks that's the easiest excuse rather than own up to the fact that your relationship is broken and he wants out.

This.