Bf of 9 years left me because I failed a year at uni

[Anon1324]

I have been with my partner for 9 years and recently got engaged. I have been training at uni for the past 4 years and Throughout this time he has been financially supporting us. In my final year at uni we had a baby, now 9months, and he was adamant that I do not defer a year and carry on to finish my degree with my little one. I did this but I have recently found out I failed an exam which means I cannot pass the year. Because of this he has told me it’s over as I don’t work hard enough and I’m lazy. He says that I don’t know what it’s like to work hard. I understand he pays for everything so it must be annoying that I won’t have a job this year but he won’t even listen to me when I tell him I’ll get a job for the summer while I’m off. Money isn’t too tight and it’s not like we can’t afford anything. Basically I don’t know what to do as he won’t talk to me and has made me feel like a failure when he should be my shoulder to cry on. Oh and he took my ring off me.

He’s an absolute b*stard.
you just had a baby HE should be taking care of you. What sort of man puts this stress on the women he loves? Well done for all your achievements so far and sorry you ended up with such a poor excuse of a man.

It sounds as though he's done you a favour in the long run. His attitude stinks and it really does sound as though you're better off without him.

I started a part time OU degree module (60 credits, 50% of a full time degree) last year with a newborn, having already completed two modules (i.e. I knew what I was getting myself into) and still only dragged myself through it by the skin of my teeth. Studying full time would have been impossible and I think was unfair to expect you to do this (and then tell you it's your own fault for failing)... he sounds controlling and manipulative.

@Coffeaddict has given some brilliant advice. Be very honest with your university and ask for extenuating circumstances to be taken into consideration.
Hopefully this will enable you to graduate and will open doors into working and being able to support yourself and your baby.

All the best, OP.

What a shocking level of contempt to show the mother of your child! Even if he back tracks, please use this as the motivation you need not to enter into what will surely be a miserable soul destroying marriage, where he lands you in a world of pain the minute you dare to disappoint him. Good luck with the rest of your degree, speak to the support team at your uni about your options, reach out to your family for support and use proving this absolute piece of scum wrong as your motivation to finish your degree.

Jesus wept, what did I just read. Ditch the prick.

I agree with this

Check with your university about resits. Do the resit, marvel at your excellent grade, then ditch your awful boyfriend. Proceed to have an excellent life with your baby and your fantastic career.

It sounds like he was holding on for you to qualify so he could leave
On the other hand you say 'money isn'but he's been support

Contact uni to see if you can retake.ditch him

Find the ring and sell it

I'm guessing from the length of OP's course that she's a medic, and if she's been told she has to repeat her final year then she won't be in a position to haggle about resits and capped grades - her choices will be to repeat the year or drop out.

Sorry this is happening to you OP. He sounds like a complete shit.

Oh and he took my ring off me

He cant take things that belong to you. Unless was it a family heirloom?

How awful for you, you deserve a supportive partner. Having a baby is stressful at the best of times let alone trying to study at the same time. After 9 years you would think that he would be supportive and understanding. Easy said but take the advice given here and prove to yourself you can do it alone and show your child that their mom is a strong independent woman. look into everything going that can help you, could you move in with your parents for the time being whilst you get everything together, don't spend another minute with someone who isn't interested in being there for you. Ring the CSA and get help with any benefits you can claim. Get yourself a job and resit your exam. Onwards and upwards, its hard at first but it gets easier and its better than a lifetime of misery.

@Anon1324

i just wanted to make sure you didn't miss this post!!

your 'bf' is utterly unreasonable. Hiw much has he liked after the baby, done the night feeds, given you the time & space to rest/eat/study?

I appreciate he's taken care of things financially while you were studying, but this does not give him the right to be so nasty & controlling. He should be supporting you through thus disappointment & helping you get back on track for YOUR sake, not just because you'll then be earning.

you've had some good advice re benefits etc. Being a single Mum is much better than being with a controlling arse!!

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will be fine! X

He wouldn't "let" you defer (why us it up to him?) yet there isn't a desperate financial need for you to finish ASAP and start earning? What a horrible man. He expected you to have a baby and complete your final year at uni? Wow. I'd say you are better off without this horrible man. You certainly aren't lazy, far from it, please don't let him get in your head and make you believe you are lazy, having a baby is vv hard, doing final year uni is vv hard, doing both at the same time, near impossible.

id normally agree, but not sure in this case, sounds more control/money driven 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds like he's using it as an excuse, he's shown you his true colours. It'll be hard at first, but you'll find someone who is worthy of you. And you'll realise how much of an arse this man is

Another university lecturer here, echoing everything you say.

I completely agree - but still think coffeeaddict's advice of how to proceed at unis advice is important. Right now the degree seems worth more than the boyfriend

/hugs to OP

University lecturer and mother of small children, saying ditch the prick. You should be very proud of yourself. The failed module will be redeemable in some fashion. The gobshite isn't.

I'm really sorry you've been hurt so badly by this man, who is clearly a total arsehole.

Ultimately, people can leave each other for any reason they like. But there is clearly much more to this than you failing a year at uni; he's just dragging that up as an excuse. It's horrible and hurtful of him and he is being a total shit to leave in such a horrible way, but don't let his comments wreck your self-esteem. You are better than him. You deserve better and you will have better.

Contact the university and ask for some help/special consideration. It may be fixable. But ditch the man anyway.

Yes, it's the excuse he's been waiting for.

He's horrible. Push him out of your mind and look after yourself and your baby.

He's shown you who he is. Grieve the man you thought you knew and move on

Yes. This, in spades. His behaviour is hideous and utterly absent of love or kindness. No relationship - let alone a marriage - can be built here.

And when you feel weak, repeat this excellent advice as well to yourself, on a loop:

If you grovel and hobble along this will only end in tears and with more children....He's punishing you. He thinks he has that right. Do you? Is that how you want to live? His love is very conditional and at some point he will remove it be it now or later

Get out, don't look back. Good luck OP, a better life awaits you

It sounds like he was waiting for an excuse to leave and thought ‘this will do’.
If it wasn’t this it will have been something else just as ridiculous.

He’s a twat, you don’t need that in your life.

He probably said not to defer hoping that you would so that he could have used that as an excuse.