Bf of 9 years left me because I failed a year at uni

[Anon1324]

I have been with my partner for 9 years and recently got engaged. I have been training at uni for the past 4 years and Throughout this time he has been financially supporting us. In my final year at uni we had a baby, now 9months, and he was adamant that I do not defer a year and carry on to finish my degree with my little one. I did this but I have recently found out I failed an exam which means I cannot pass the year. Because of this he has told me it’s over as I don’t work hard enough and I’m lazy. He says that I don’t know what it’s like to work hard. I understand he pays for everything so it must be annoying that I won’t have a job this year but he won’t even listen to me when I tell him I’ll get a job for the summer while I’m off. Money isn’t too tight and it’s not like we can’t afford anything. Basically I don’t know what to do as he won’t talk to me and has made me feel like a failure when he should be my shoulder to cry on. Oh and he took my ring off me.

Good advice

I’m really sorry this has happened to you and please don’t think your failure because your not. Your not lazy and you do work hard , you have a baby and your at uni , you should be proud of yourself for that. I’m sorry to say I feel his using this as a excuse to leave you

Worse than being a complete arse, he's a controlling arse! Bad enough that he's already forced you into doing your entire final uni year with a newborn baby (following much of the previous year whilst pregnant) which anyone would define as controlling there's now the risk that if you were to stay with him he'd have an additional tool for COMPLETE COERCIVE CONTROL for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Don't do it!

And by the way, he must have had at least a 50% role in your pregnancy. I've read nothing from you about his apology for making your final yearS tougher than they needed to be.

Three University lecturers can't be wrong. Take the advice. Talk to all the relevant people and make a decision. If there's really only a small section to retake, and you'd end up with the mark you deserve, then do it. If the advice is to retake the year, do that.

Talk to family/friends about the best way forward for caring for your baby. As much help as possible over the summer if you're doing the resit option.
Oh, and in your "spare time" read up on controlling partners. Provided you leave this man now you'll have saved yourself a lifetime of pain. (And that's without even considering the more unpleasant/dangerous possibilities of controlling partners!)

Good Luck

The Advice ...
Coffeaddict · Today 09:43
University lecturer here. Do you not have the opportunity to resit in August so you can pass the module? Also I would talk to your wellbeing / mental health support team and see if they can give you any advise about applying to do so without a capped grade due to extuqting circumstances at home. Say you had planned to defer but were pressured into doing the year even with a newborn baby. This will allow you to graduate this year and get a job.
Regarding your dick of a partner. Good riddance, he clearly has no idea what the fuck he's talking about if he thinks the final year of uni with a tiny baby is easy.

Good riddance to him. He sounds like a lousy father as well as a lousy partner. But do make sure you get all you're legally entitled to -- from him as well as from the state. Best of luck to you, your DC and your career.

OP, your latest update paints an even worse picture of him...

YOU MUST LEAVE HIM NOW before he breaks you completely. The abuse is only going to get worse. Leave now, for the sake of your sanity and for your baby.

Your reasons for not being able to leave him are purely practical. Confide in family, a friend. You must have someone you can stay with, even just for a while. Take your baby and your dog and LEAVE.

Three uni lecturers. Imjustmadaboutsaffron and Jennifer Barkley added to Coffeaddict.

He’s been very verbally abusive and I’d love to leave him but I have no where to go and I also have a dog which I couldn’t bear to leave!

But hasn't he already ended the relationship? He's taken your engagement ring, said a load of awful things to you, he won't listen to you and he won't talk to you.

If he isn't ending the relationship, then what is he doing? What does he want?

You can’t bring your baby up in an abusive household so as not to leave your dog. It sounds like an awful situation but you need to look at your priorities. You can also speak to dogs trust. A colleague had her dog fostered by them when she went into a refuge.

Sorry to say this: he was probably always planned to leave. He just wanted you to be a job so he could pay less maintenance.

Speak to your friends and family OP. If I had a friend in your situation I would happily home their dog until they were settled and watch the baby for them occasionally if they needed it. Also speak to the university. They may be able to advise re accommodation and extra funding available. Do you have parents who could help? Does your uni have a nursery?

Please don’t stay with this horrible man. There will be help out there somewhere.

But hasn't he already ended the relationship? He's taken your engagement ring, said a load of awful things to you, he won't listen to you and he won't talk to you

Yes. 'Leaving him' seems a bit academic. He has ended your relationship already, as in the title of your thread. You say you would love to leave him but can't leave him, what does that even mean at this point?

Just to add to my previous post
You can't stay with him just because of your dog.. and I have a ddog who I love dearly
Do you have friends or family who could foster your dog, and you could visit him?
As mentioned above The dogs trust can arrange a temporary foster placement until you get things sorted Thinking of you

Your relationship is over.

Speak to your uni. They might have some student accommodation they can offer you short term. They will have other student support services that will be able to help to. In many ways this happening while you're still a student is a blessing as there are avenues of support open to you.

Definitely speak to uni- student support and the union. See what they can do to support you to leave.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Sorry about your failed year at uni too. It happened to my husband too, but I didn't leave him because of that. He probably had other reason to do it. He's really a scum, isn't he. Left you with a baby. Some people have no dignity.

where are your parents? Can you move in with them?

I get you love the dog, but it’s not a priority.

I agree with whoever said "cherchez La femme" - he wants out it seems and this is the perfect excuse (in his nasty fucked-up head).

The sooner you make plans to leave the better.

And he took your ring off you? The ring he gave you which belongs to you? That alone would have me packing his bags - what a horrid bellend.

Did he go to uni? Cus some people who haven't have literally no idea how much work there is involved, nevermind looking after a baby at the same time!

As PPs have said, speak to your uni. They'll be experienced in these situations and will know about the resources available.

Twice I’ve studied with babies (although not that young, I waited until they were one) and it’s really hard work and YOU need a lot of support and kindness. Your boyfriend is a dickhead and you’re better off planning a life for you and your baby without him being at the centre of it.

What a shitty thing to do to a new mother who has been studying during what ought to have been her maternity leave. That you only have one module to resit is fantastic so don’t lose faith in your ability as a student. It’s only human.

I don’t know what year youve just sat but if it’s not your final year you should have the opportunity to resit the failed module in the autumn. No one will care that you had a resit so don’t listen to the PP making it sound like a bad idea.

You’re doing amazingly OP. Your boyfriend is a piece of shit and you’d be better off without him.

Exactly this!!!!

I’m also a university lecturer and we don’t allow resits in the final year so this very much depends on your own university’s regulations. Get in touch with someone at your uni to check.

Your ex fiancé sounds totally unreasonable and uncaring. Make plans for you and your baby…you’re better off without him.

You've done brilliantly in achieving what most people wouldn't even try to take on.

Your relationship is over, because he has ended it. The fact you don't want to "leave him" is a bit irelevant. It's daunting changing direction and being on your own with a baby, it's not what you planned but that's what's on the table because of his actions.

This is one of those forks in the road. If for some reason you won't take this door marked Lucky Escape you'll be signing you and your child and any subsequent children up for a lifetime of control and abuse with this man. It depends on whether that is what you want. This is a perfectly good time to take him at his word and get out. There will be a period of massive upheaval on terms of finance, living situation, the dog (believe me, I get it) but then things will settle and you'll be better by far.

If you stay this kind of nonsense will continue and escalate and will have over your head and dictate the lives of your children. You matter and you're better than that.

Plenty of people fail exams and then do retakes. He's being ridiculous and hurtful. Am sorry. Work on exam technique, pass and show him how pathetic he is.