How did you cope with your widowed father re-partnering?

[PeaceLillyWhiteFlower]

My parents were married for a long time. Not always happily, but sometimes companionable. The end of mum's life was distressing, she was very upset.

Now two years later my father has met The One. Actually he met her a year after my mother died, but is making the move now.

When he first told me, I went mental. Not to his face, but anguished at the unfairness of it all. My mother, six feet under, and him carrying on with a new bird. Also the weirdness of my father having a new boss. I cut contact for a couple of months. Even now I struggle to be normal with him.

We tried to have a discussion recently. He's a pushy, forceful person at the best of times. I felt that he tried to put me on the defensive and then dismissed what I had to say, gaslighting me.

A friend suggested that it might be peri-menopause that is making my reaction so strong, so I'm looking into HRT. The thought that this might be hormonal has actually cheered me up: maybe there's a way out.

He's been quite shifty about the new woman. He recently went to ingratiate himself with her children but hadn't told me and DB anything. I haven't met her and can't face him going on about how wonderful she is.

I know that family estrangments are not the way to go. But I just want to avoid him/this situation.

Did anyone else struggle with this? How did you get though it?

I think it's hurtful that you begrudge him finding love.

In the nicest possible way OP you need to get a grip. Your dad didn’t start dating until a year after your mum died and ultimately he’s here and your mum isn’t. Him wanting company isn’t wrong if she’s a nice and decent person. Do you really want him to be on his own? Nothing will take away from his memories and his feelings for your mum but he needs to have a life and that includes relationships

I was so happy when my Dad found another partner after my Dad died. Can't you be happy for your Father? It doesn't mean he loved your Mum any less.

Mum died *

I think that's the problem @Moonlaserbearwolf the feeling that he never loved my mum and now this woman is going to be the love of his life.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz @eatsleepswimdive have you actually experienced this situation?

@PeaceLillyWhiteFlower yes I have. I speak from experience. I’m not going into details but trust me, I 100% get this. You can’t read into it, if she’s decent and is nice to your dad you have to accept it and appreciate this isn’t about your mum. This is the next stage in the life he’s living today.

What did you mean '100% get this'? @eatsleepswimdive are you saying that you found it hard, or you had moved on from your mum and it was all cool?

If the former, how did you manage it? How long was it weird for?

I don't understand quite why you don't want him to have this relationship. You sound so angry. Is that because of some particular reason that you think he shouldn't be having any relationship now he's widowed? Or is it sooner than you would prefer? How many years do you think it's reasonable to wait at that time of life? Do you think your mum would have wanted him to stay single?

I have to say that it made me really sad reading your post; do you really begrudge him happiness? Why is his meeting her children going to "ingratiate himself" like it's something smarmy? And why say he's being "shifty", like he's doing something wrong? He's probably just worried about your reaction, and understandably so. He has every right to see her, and no reason to feel guilty about it. What would you like to see happen?

My (ex-) Father-in-law found a new relationship after being widowed and it was a beautiful thing to see. Both of his children were happy for him. And frankly, when he became unwell, it reduced the amount of help they had to provide hugely, because he was lucky enough to have someone who loved him living with him. If you don't want your father to find a new life partner now, if you make it difficult or make him feel he has to choose between you, what will that achieve apart from making your own life harder, and his more miserable?

My dad said he never would but then met someone within months. They have just celebrated their 9 year wedding anniversary. He was married to my mum for 40 years. It was a huge shock at first, especially as she was NOTHING like my mum, but it took the responsibility off me (he's hard work) and helped him when he was at his lowest. Frankly, I think she deserves a medal. My kids love her. We all still talk about my mum - it hasn't belittled their marriage. It's just a new chapter. I imagine it would be harder to understand if I were much younger (teens/twenties), but I was an adult when mum died, and I know she would be pleased that he wasn't lonely. And probably quite disbelieving that anyone else would put up with him! Hang on in there OP, and try to see it from his POV. It's just a new chapter. Doesn't mean he's forgotten the past.

The most annoying bit was him showing her off like a proud parent shows off their child. Honestly, had to grit my teeth and bite my tongue on many occasions. And take the piss a lot, with my husband and siblings. That definitely helped.

You'd rather your father remain alone because it would make you feel better. Good grief. Life goes on.

My mum died from motor neurone disease. My dad was a saint, as he looked after her so well. When he met a new lady I was thrilled for him, he deserved all the happiness in the world.

Of course he's 'carrying on', he's still alive! What do you want him to do? Be depressed and lonely until he dies? You sound very venomous. Why not be happy that your Dad is happy? 🤨

I agree with all of this - especially the responsibility bit!

OP, what are your overriding feelings? What do you think your mum would be saying? Do you think she would want him to find someone else?

My step dad was lost after my mum died, he adored her, I desperately wanted him to meet someone else (he was elderly though) my mum would've wanted that too.

@DivorcedAndDelighted wish I knew what I do want. Within what's possible. I want to feel that my mum was loved and cherished, but I don't believe that was the case.

Can I just speak from your fathers perspective, I lost my husband when I was 37 weeks pregnant. Genuinely thought my life was over, the thought of finding someone else was just not an option! However as the days go on and your alone.... but nobody else is! You leave family events alone, you spend Xmas alone (even if your not - you feel it) it comes a point do I feel like this forever or move on? It doesn't change your feelings towards the loved one you have lost in the slightest. I wasn't looking for anyone but I met someone about a year on. It just felt right and to begin with I questioned everything, what everyone would think? Am I doing this just because I feel lonely? Please be kind to your dad, I can guarantee you he isn't finding this as easy as it seems, he will be riddled with guilt and questioning everything. Nobody should be alone. He deserves a hug and to be told he's doing amazing and support him. I feel from your perspective too but I promise you this will not make him love your mum any less, he will be able to focus on a positive now and finally feel worthy again! Hugs to you all it's a big step for EVERYONE xxx

@lothermand at the end of her life mum was saying 'he can't wait to be rid of me'. It hurts to think that she was probably right.

@Huntswomanonthemove that's good to hear that your father looked after your mum well. I can see how that makes it feel easier when he moves on.

By any chance did your dad not accept she was passing when your mum felt his way, was he distant and not being compassionate? Or was he always like this towards her? I know when my husband passed I didn't seem to take it seriously as I thought this can't be happening to me and had a nap on a chair next to him. If Someone could have shook me and told me the reality I would never of had that nap and spent every second with him! Grief is horrible some people can be angry towards the people who are dying, I felt a rush of rage when my husband left me pregnant it's a rollercoaster of emotions your never prepared for xx

@beenaa yes my father pretended she'd be back home in a few days. It's hard enough to talk about death, but he really wouldn't countenance any discussion until the very very end. I felt like he was denying her this important occaision. He probably thinks he was compassionate towards her. There was a lot of resentment at the end.

My parents were married for 42 years before we lost my dad a few years ago..about a year later my mum met someone else and they have been together for 2 years now. It was very strange seeing her with someone else at first and having someone else there at family gathering etc...however my mum is early 60s and very fit and well, she could be here for another 30 plus years and I wouldn't want her to be alone. The last few years of my dad's life he was really disabled and she became a full time carer to him, which she didn't mind at all..but it is good to see her happy again, even if it is still a bit strange.

@GreatStuff67 I'm finding it hard and wondered how others might have got past that. I've been in a black hole and avoiding him to avoid facing up to this new reality.

What do you mean 'he has a new boss' is this an affectionate, jokey term? Or was it seen by the family that he had to do what he was told?

How would you and your DB feel if your dad felt he had a say in your life and relationships?

This We tried to have a discussion recently. He's a pushy, forceful person at the best of times. I felt that he tried to put me on the defensive and then dismissed what I had to say, gaslighting me. is over bearing and a bit odd.