How did you cope with your widowed father re-partnering?

[PeaceLillyWhiteFlower]

My parents were married for a long time. Not always happily, but sometimes companionable. The end of mum's life was distressing, she was very upset.

Now two years later my father has met The One. Actually he met her a year after my mother died, but is making the move now.

When he first told me, I went mental. Not to his face, but anguished at the unfairness of it all. My mother, six feet under, and him carrying on with a new bird. Also the weirdness of my father having a new boss. I cut contact for a couple of months. Even now I struggle to be normal with him.

We tried to have a discussion recently. He's a pushy, forceful person at the best of times. I felt that he tried to put me on the defensive and then dismissed what I had to say, gaslighting me.

A friend suggested that it might be peri-menopause that is making my reaction so strong, so I'm looking into HRT. The thought that this might be hormonal has actually cheered me up: maybe there's a way out.

He's been quite shifty about the new woman. He recently went to ingratiate himself with her children but hadn't told me and DB anything. I haven't met her and can't face him going on about how wonderful she is.

I know that family estrangments are not the way to go. But I just want to avoid him/this situation.

Did anyone else struggle with this? How did you get though it?

OP, as well as the good advice you’ve had, I think it would benefit you to examine your language surrounding your widowed father repartnering — you keep characterising his new partner, demeaningly, as ‘the new bird’, and using competitive sports (‘team mum’) and business images (‘dad’s under new management’/‘got a new boss’. Does this say something about your assumptions about relationships in general, or just this one?

@Cameleongirl totally agree that their needs and wants come first. I think therein lies the challenge for OP and others on this thread. For someone whose parent remarries late in life the family circle will evolve and sadly this won't always be a positive thing.

Why don't you want your dad to be happy? You seem to be making it all about your suffering and loss and not thinking about your dad. When you close the door at night you are surrounded by your family, your dad is alone and you seem to want him to stay that way. I find that both sad and selfish.

Op - you are clearly very upset and struggling.

Reading your posts, it's seems like you accepted your parents weren't happy together all the time, they rubbed along and stayed together, but now your dad gets a 2nd chance of happiness and might truly be happier with this woman than he was with your mum, but because your mother didn't walk away from a less than perfect marriage years before, she doesn't get that 2nd chance. If they'd divorced years before, perhaps your mum would have found someone else and had a shot of happiness. It can seem unfair your dad gets this chance when she didn't.

But you are taking away your mothers role in her life choices. She chose to be with your dad. She chose to stay even when she wasn't completely happy. She chose to stay with him even though he might not have been "the one". And he chose to stay with her.

He built a life with her, and then that ended with her death, and I presume the last stage of their married life was completely dominated by her illness. So now he's had to start again.

I was thinking this, too.

I've been with a widower for over three years, we met and fell in love. He hasn't 're-partnered' 🙄I'm not 'the OW'. Or a 'bird'.

Yes, 're-partnered' is an odd term in itself. The language used throughout suggests OP was made to choose sides, and now feels that she's on the losing side. OP's (absolutely understandable) grief, and DF wanting to find a partner later on are two separate issues.