How did you cope with your widowed father re-partnering?

[PeaceLillyWhiteFlower]

My parents were married for a long time. Not always happily, but sometimes companionable. The end of mum's life was distressing, she was very upset.

Now two years later my father has met The One. Actually he met her a year after my mother died, but is making the move now.

When he first told me, I went mental. Not to his face, but anguished at the unfairness of it all. My mother, six feet under, and him carrying on with a new bird. Also the weirdness of my father having a new boss. I cut contact for a couple of months. Even now I struggle to be normal with him.

We tried to have a discussion recently. He's a pushy, forceful person at the best of times. I felt that he tried to put me on the defensive and then dismissed what I had to say, gaslighting me.

A friend suggested that it might be peri-menopause that is making my reaction so strong, so I'm looking into HRT. The thought that this might be hormonal has actually cheered me up: maybe there's a way out.

He's been quite shifty about the new woman. He recently went to ingratiate himself with her children but hadn't told me and DB anything. I haven't met her and can't face him going on about how wonderful she is.

I know that family estrangments are not the way to go. But I just want to avoid him/this situation.

Did anyone else struggle with this? How did you get though it?

And travel is a bit dreary alone.

This is a good way to think of it (I think). And take it one step further: so is eating your dinner alone every night. Or spending all weekend alone. Or popping to the pub for a quick drink and a snack. All things that we might do routinely with a partner can all be a bit dreary without anyone to share them with.

My lovely neighbour was widowed about 5 years ago. Her DH was older and ill for some time; she adored him. But she’s started to dip her toe in the pool again for exactly the same reason - she doesn’t “need” a man, but just thinks it would be so nice to have someone to do some things with. If certainly doesn’t say anything about how she felt about her late DH.

@FemmeNatal were you completely happy from the get go or did you have a wobble? Did you feel your mum was treated well? How long after her death did he find a new woman?

It felt very strange, but as I said, that was a “me” problem.

@PeaceLillyWhiteFlower I have only sympathy for you. My Dad died 5 years ago and I’ve told my mum I don’t know if I could cope if she got into a new relationship. For various reasons it seems unlikely for her, but I haven’t changed my mind at all over the years. In fact I feel more certain I’d have to have nothing to do with the new man, or have to cut down our contact. It’s very complex. I don’t think you’re selfish, just grieving, and grief is a painful life-long journey. Sending you all the love.

You are missing your mum I am sure and grief takes a long time to process.
But you father is an adult and has the right to move on at a pace that suits him: which I appreciate may not be a pace that suits you:
But you cant control what other people do.
Try to focus on your own feelings and try to understand them better. But avoid taking it out on your father. He really hasnt dont anything wrong here.

Do you really want to get past your feelings? If so, are you ready to put the work in, especially if the work includes unpicking a complicated family dynamic. Or do you feel that even exploring that as disloyal? Seeing your father other than through the prism of the relationship he had with your mother, is going to take time but only you can decide if you want to try.

You can’t hold onto your Mum through your father and you shouldn’t try and take over her role she had in their relationship.

Please get professional support in navigating the new new, if not for yourself, then for your family who probably are being impacted by your inner conflict.

OP I posted on your earlier thread. I really think some therapy around your complicated grief would be helpful to you.

Your father has done nothing wrong, so the only way you'll 'feel better' is to work through your feelings.

What a way to treat your poor mum. Can you really say that you love her when your love is conditional on her being alone?

OP you need to cut the connection between your grief for your mum and your treatment of your dad. You can grieve as much as you need for as long as it takes. But it's really not ok to decide that you won't treat your father with humanity until you are "over" losing your mother. Your grief is not an acceptable reason for treating your father is incredibly unkindly.

What a terrible way to treat your mum. You want your mum to stay single because of your feelings. I am shocked

This is crazy and I feel sorry for your mum. I am shocked you felt the need to say anything to her - none of your business

It's clear here OP from the responses you are getting that family dynamics can vary widely.

In an open relationship with your parent in adulthood it is not unreasonable in my opinion to communicate your feelings clearly.

Sorry but that is unbelievably selfish. You honestly expect your mum to stay alone to protect your feelings rather than see her happy with somebody? I wouldn't have dreamt of saying that to my Dad. It's so deeply unfair to expect that of her. She may of course choose to stay single but if she doesn't then that is entirely up to her. Don't blackmail her with cutting contact. How would you feel if she did that to you? Is suggest you need some therapy to unravel this.

@TTheFormidableMrsC but surely @imimperialminty does have the right to decide how much if any time she wishes to spend in the company of a potential new partner of her mother's? A new partner introduced into the family is new to the family unit?

Of course, but that's not what she's saying. She's saying she can't accept it should it happen and would go low contact. I realise it's difficult when a parent finds a new partner, I've been there, and it can take a while for things to settle but I'd never ever have told my Dad that he shouldn't find happiness again after the death of my Mum. To be fair, he would have told me where to go if I did and quite right too 🤷🏻‍♀️

That is true but surely so long as the person the new partner is a nice person who treats their father with love and respect then they should be treated the same. That's about being a good daughter. you can't have loyalty to a dead person. Why should anyone who doesn't want sit alone day after day and night after night be denied that by their child who hasn't had their partner taken from them. Just absolutely not. Nobody needs to be best friends with the new partner but to be open and welcoming is basic courtesy.

It sounds to me as if this a really key part of it all- you were made to play a part in your parents’ combative relationship, probably struggled as a child with being asked to take sides, and now it feels to you as if you father has “won” and as if you’re required to celebrate that, and you don’t want to.

It sounds incredibly hard, especially alongside your grief for your mum. I’d suggest a psychologist who specialises in families rather than just a grief counsellor, as there’s more going on here than simple grief.

Hope you find a way through, op.

This thread has some utterly ridiculous replies, I'm shocked at the petulance and selfishness of supposedly grown adults! No one should be alone and lonely for the rest of their lives to appease their kids if a partner dies, it's utterly ludicrous to even suggest it

I find this thread really interesting. I am impressed that so many people have live and let live feelings about this. I guess their relationships with their parents have always been positive but for those of us who've had dysfunctional families it's certainly not that straight forward and I totally understand where you are coming from OP. My DF left my DM for her best friend - our family friend who we holidayed with as children. My parents were married for nearly 30 years and could be vile to one another but rubbed along mostly. When he left it felt like he'd betrayed us all and as often happens he replaced us all with her family. He married her without telling us (but told my family he'd invited us and we refused to go - the reason our family stopped talking to us as well), ignored his own grandchildren and showered hers with love and attention. I couldn't do it - I couldn't be happy for him, I couldn't put it all to one side, it was just too much because she was vile and she was poisoning him against us. Even when he died from Covid earlier this year she didn't tell us until he was on life support and brain dead. In the church his eulogy told everyone how wonderful he was to her kids and grandkids but didn't mention his own and told the congregation he had endured a terribly unhappy marriage with us all sitting there listening. If you manage to reconcile this all and find a good relationship from it - you are a better person than me. He didn't treat my Mum well, he didn't treat his kids and grandkids well. I begrudged his happiness after the misery we'd endured growing up and the fact that he made no attempt to make up for things just walked away and left us all alone. I still can't get over it now and he's been dead six months.

You need to get some therapy. You are grieving and that’s ok. Your dad hasn’t done anything wrong at all. You are missing your mum like any normal person would. This new woman isn’t replacing your mum and probably doesn’t want to be anything like her but she is by the sounds of it a good partner to your dad and he’s happy. The comments about him not loving your mum and wanting her gone are awful. You said earlier that she used to control him so maybe in a sense he was glad she’s gone as he can live his live how he wants now. Doesn’t mean he didn’t love her.

I think you need to back off from your dad for a while and Sort you’re self out. This isn’t fair on him.

I think this is a totally different scenario and I'd feel very much the same if that had happened in my family. She sounds like a disgusting person. I'm sorry your Dad was so weak and people like her have to rewrite history in an attempt to cover their own foul behaviour. I'm sorry you went through this

@HHappySonHappyMum I am so sorry you went through this. What a legacy of hurt left behind by your Father.

Those suggesting that OP is selfish do you not also think that a parent is a parent and remains so to their children through into adulthood?

Those suggesting that OP is selfish do you not also think that a parent is a parent and remains so to their children through into adulthood?

You are always a parent but your (adult) children do not get to dictate if and when you can date after your spouse has died.

@lickenchugget Of course they remain a parent, but they no longer have a duty to put their adult child's needs and wants first. My Mum died in my 20's and I didn't expect my Dad to be alone for the rest of his life. I had my own partner and eventually a family, why shouldn't my Dad have a partner too? He's not just my Dad, he's a separate adult as well.

Completely agree, my reply was a bad copy and paste job of the post below.