How did you cope with your widowed father re-partnering?

[PeaceLillyWhiteFlower]

My parents were married for a long time. Not always happily, but sometimes companionable. The end of mum's life was distressing, she was very upset.

Now two years later my father has met The One. Actually he met her a year after my mother died, but is making the move now.

When he first told me, I went mental. Not to his face, but anguished at the unfairness of it all. My mother, six feet under, and him carrying on with a new bird. Also the weirdness of my father having a new boss. I cut contact for a couple of months. Even now I struggle to be normal with him.

We tried to have a discussion recently. He's a pushy, forceful person at the best of times. I felt that he tried to put me on the defensive and then dismissed what I had to say, gaslighting me.

A friend suggested that it might be peri-menopause that is making my reaction so strong, so I'm looking into HRT. The thought that this might be hormonal has actually cheered me up: maybe there's a way out.

He's been quite shifty about the new woman. He recently went to ingratiate himself with her children but hadn't told me and DB anything. I haven't met her and can't face him going on about how wonderful she is.

I know that family estrangments are not the way to go. But I just want to avoid him/this situation.

Did anyone else struggle with this? How did you get though it?

That terrifies me. I know humour is a good way to cope with things, but I will be so upset when he inevitably does this.

My friend is with a widower, met him years after his wife died but his DC hate her and are really horrible to her. The reality is that she does all the caring & looking after him (he is elderly and in poor health) which must make their lives so much easier. They are not married and he has only made a very small provision for her in his Will - his DC will inherit everything (I think she's being used but that's a separate issue). For whatever reasons the (adult) DC treat her horribly.

Sorry i should add yes i did find it really difficult at first, sometimes i still do. But I have a dh and 2 dcs and I just think who am I to say she must be alone whilst I sit in my house with my family, if that makes sense? It is so difficult though because we cannot replace the parent that we have lost and sometimes you may feel the surviving parent has done that..but try to think of it as he is not replacing her, just starting a different chapter.

I can understand your confusing feelings —- and I was the “ new woman” who met the widower, a year and a half after his wife passed.
Some things I learnt:
Widowers tend to meet a new partner much sooner than widows.
It’s a completely separate relationship to the one he had with your mother.
Someone explained it to me like this: You have a baby, you love that baby with all your heart, you give 100% to that baby. Then you have a second child. You don’t say to the first child “ I can’t give you as much love now, I have to divide my love between the two of you” No parent says or thinks that. You grow more love, there’s enough to go round. This is a similar situation. Your dad doesn’t live your mum any less, this is new, separate love.
When you’re ready, meet his new lady with an open mind— you might like her and she’s probably desperate not to offend or hurt you ( I was!)

Give yourself time to just process what your dad has told you.

@MichelleScarn the other fear is that, as soon as there's a new woman, the man downgrades his children from the previous woman. I have seen this happen many times. My rational brain says 'so what, you are a grown woman'. But part of me is fearful for what this new relationship means for me.

My father was devastated when my mother died. I am so pleased that after six years he met someone else, I am glad he is happy, and it is also much easier on me as he is getting older, knowing he has someone who loves him.

I am sorry you lost your mother OP, two years is still not long in the process of grieving, it must be hard if you felt your mother was not happy at the end of her life.

@Sapphirensteel I fear this new woman will be completely perfect in every way. My father is extremely competitive and will have found a trophy wife to impress his mates.

Some parents do indeed have favourites! So not sure about your babies analogy.

Your love for your mum shines through this. Maybe you feel cheated because the "wrong" parent died. I could imagine i might feel that way, and a close friend certainly did. I'm so sorry that you lost your mum, and that things were so tough at the end 💐💐 Sounds like you've also had a complicated relationship with your dad even before this. Some wise people on the Relationships board talk about parenting your inner child, and I wonder if your inner child needs you to take care of her? She's lost her mum, and now she's not sure who her dad's becoming and what's going to happen with him.

@DrDinosaur glad you are okay with your father's new relationship. Yes a gap of a few years would feel less shocking. It's only the pandemic that slowed my father down. He didn't seem devastated when my mum died. In fact, I suspect that her death was just an exciting opportunity for him.

But the bitter resentment is corrosive. I want to get out of it.

Can you talk to your dad (or someone like a grief counsellor) about how you feel? I think the end of your mums life was difficult and the things she said at the end are being reinforced by your dad starting a new relationship fairly soon after your mums death, which is hard for you. You probably want your dad to grieve as you are doing but on the other hand, he is still here and feels able to move on.
My friend is marrying a widower who has two young children and his in-laws are still heavily involved with their grandchildren. The in-laws are truly dreadful towards my friend, who is lovely and has given up her career to be a SAHM. The in-laws behaviour causes many issues in their relationship and with the children. It’s not worth it. My friend and her partner deserve happiness.

@Ragwort that sounds horrible. I don't want to be like that but I feel such resentment about this woman replacing my dead mum.

So far it has been easier to avoid the situation, pretend it's not really happening.

To be honest OP you come across as very selfish.

When your spouse dies, you lose the person you wake up with every day, your best friend, your lover, the fellow parent to your child(ren), the person you lived with, often for decades, who knows your quirks, how you like your tea, how you like to be held and touched. It's a loss so deep that only those of us who have been through it can really understand.

In the beginning there's activity; cards, flowers, meals, a funeral to organise, possibly an inquest to deal with and financial/legal paperwork to sort out.

But after a while, weeks, months pass and the other people in your life carry on with their worlds, their husbands, wives, children, work etc and there's a gaping hole in your life you are living with every second, minute & hour of every day.

You are no doubt carrying on with your life. Why shouldn't your dad carry on with his?

He is not moving on from your mum, he is moving forward with his life which is a natural and healthy thing to do.

You honestly should be pleased for him after suffering such a loss and it's very sad that you're not.

Whatever you feel he's going to carry on seeing her . Try to accept it and get to know his new partner x

Been there, only my dad ended up getting back together with the OW from an affair which triggered my mum's depression and ultimately led to her death. Now OW and dad live in my beautiful family home which I feel I cannot really go back to anymore.

It. Sucks.

However, I've managed, over the years to get over it and realise that he was a fucking wreck when my mum died and this woman is getting him through it.

My parents weren't always happy either (obviously), and I think that was the worry; that mum had died not experiencing the best from her relationship...actually, tolerating a sometimes shit relationship and he going on to do that with someone else. It seems extremely unfair. But actually, my dad is my dad and no picnic. I wouldn't live with him! And I don't think his needs partner is getting an easy time with him.

@Isaidno22 definitely can't talk to my Dad. He's aggressive-defensive about the whole situation. I can see his point. A new bird after all those years of marriage must be super-exciting. Doesn't want me whining on about mum.

Do grief counsellors know about the feelings that a new relationship stirs up, two years after the bereavement?

@SummerPlaylist That sounds so hard. Do you still see him?

Yes, i see him fairly often quite happily and sometimes his partner too who I am perfectly fine with. I just can't go to the house. It's too much.

SummerPlaylist that must have been very hard for you to deal with.

@DrDinosaur I'm not especially interested in anything you have to say after what you said about an 8yo girl on that other thread.

I feel that you dislike your dad in general and I don't think it has anything to do with the new relationship.

If your dad and mum were in fact in an unhappy marriage then would they maybe be divorced by now

your mum will always be important and loved

@Clairejay34 yes, I think that about my dh and children too. It is reassuring to know that people find it strange but deal with it eventually. Perhaps it's easier with your mum repartnering.

@Littleraindrop15 I usually get on well with my dad, but I'm suddenly questioning everything. His smug arrogance, has gone from funny to insufferable. I just need a gap year from my father and come back when he's finally married this woman. He's trying to pretend that it isn't serious when he's been to meet her children.

@SummerPlaylist Did it take you a while to work out new boundaries? Was it a concious choice, or just trial and error?

I'm not sure it's easier with my mum repartnering than if it were my dad, I was very very close to my dad. I hope this gets easier for you eventually. Losing a parent is heartbreaking and life changing. I lost mine when I was 7 months pregnant with my first dd, one of my biggest worries is that they refer to my mums partner as grandad as he will be all they know, they never got a chance to meet my dad (their grandad). But if they do would if be wrong of me to correct them? They are only 3 and 1. I really feel for you, it is so difficult.

I think you need to separate out two things: one, how you respond to your dad's new relationship, and two, how you process the way it has stirred up your very fresh grief.

I agree with everyone who agrees that, of course, your dad is doing a healthy thing in finding a new partner, and you really ought to support him.

But you are still hurting. What have you done to tackle how you feel? I'm not a huge advocate of therapy, but might it be good? Or do you need to do something to memorialise your mum? At the moment it reads as if you'd been unconsciously assuming your dad would always be there as a memorial to your mum, because he'd always be conspicuously grieving. Now, though he presumably is still grieving, he's also found a new partner. So perhaps you need a new strategy for you to mourn your mum?

I do hope things start to feel better - it sounds so painful for you.