How did you cope with your widowed father re-partnering?

[PeaceLillyWhiteFlower]

My parents were married for a long time. Not always happily, but sometimes companionable. The end of mum's life was distressing, she was very upset.

Now two years later my father has met The One. Actually he met her a year after my mother died, but is making the move now.

When he first told me, I went mental. Not to his face, but anguished at the unfairness of it all. My mother, six feet under, and him carrying on with a new bird. Also the weirdness of my father having a new boss. I cut contact for a couple of months. Even now I struggle to be normal with him.

We tried to have a discussion recently. He's a pushy, forceful person at the best of times. I felt that he tried to put me on the defensive and then dismissed what I had to say, gaslighting me.

A friend suggested that it might be peri-menopause that is making my reaction so strong, so I'm looking into HRT. The thought that this might be hormonal has actually cheered me up: maybe there's a way out.

He's been quite shifty about the new woman. He recently went to ingratiate himself with her children but hadn't told me and DB anything. I haven't met her and can't face him going on about how wonderful she is.

I know that family estrangments are not the way to go. But I just want to avoid him/this situation.

Did anyone else struggle with this? How did you get though it?

OP, you really are not coming across well here. At all.

The extent of your bitterness, nastiness and resentment about the fact that your widowed father, who I assume is an older man, has found happiness with a new partner is actually quite shocking. If you hadn’t mentioned peri-menopause I would have assumed your post was written by a teenager, such is the level of immaturity, petulance and self absorption.

People die. It happens to all of us in the end. And the reality is that for the bereaved, life goes on and life is for living. Do you seriously expect him to live in mourning for the rest of his life? Do you genuinely not want him to be happy?

I was young when my DF passed away. We were very adamant not to want to see our DM with a partner. She's said it wasn't just because of us not wanting it but because she didn't want a strange man in the house bossing her kids around and raising them.
I look back and I wish my DM has found someone. I wish she had sb to share her life. It's very sad for sb who's retired not to have a partner to travel with, to share jokes and go for walks.
Respect your father and welcome his partner but think about whether you don't want to discuss a possible inheritance with him and your DB now because she's likely younger and she has kids... If this is an issue, have a chat with your dad and make sure he writes a will -these can be changed so you should consult a pro- now because you're entitled to your DM's share regardless of what he does to his. You don't want to end up hating him when you find out he's left everything to this stranger and given he's not young, he might go gaga at some point, sorry for being so blunt!

Maybe you feel cheated because the "wrong" parent died. I could imagine i might feel that way, and a close friend certainly did.

I don't know what's worse, the op being angry and aggrieved that her df isn't depressed and unhappy or this.

@DivorcedAndDelighted am assuming you're not planning on entering another relationship ever then?

Gosh I wonder why he's sneeking and denying how serious it is - unaginable why he does want to discuss anything you ?

@Clairejay34 your children, it'll be fine whatever you decide, and I wouldn't overthink it. As they get older, they'll fully understand that your Mum's DP isn't their biological Grandad, but they'll still benefit from having a good relationship with him (assuming he's nice and you want them to spend time together)

My Mum also died no long before my children were born and when my Dad remarried, I decided that it was fine for my lovely step-Mum to be called Grandma - she wouldn't have protested if I'd said no, but it was comfortable for both the kids and her. She's now passed away and they have fond memories of her. They also enjoy hearing about my Mum as well.

Grief is personal. Just because your father isn’t grieving the way you grieve doesn’t mean he hasn’t/ isn’t. Grief and love can and does coexist.

I can imagine your father’s grief started before his wife died, waiting for the inevitable to happen must have been very difficult for him and for you. Him ‘pretending’ the relationship with his new flame is not as serious as it may be, maybe his way of protecting you. He knows you are not keen on him having a new relationship and so isn’t forcing it on you. I don’t know how old your father is but I can understand that at a certain stage of life not wanting to waste time because life can be short.

Tell your Dad that you need time to work through some stuff and that you love him. It sounds like the relationship dynamic between your parents, loyalty to the deceased parent and unresolved issues with the surviving parent have collided, adding grief into that mix and it isn’t hard to see why you are struggling. Work through your stuff with a counsellor, bitterness and resentment are joy suckers and you, your family and the memories of your mother deserve better than that.

As the great Bubble from The Wire once said, “It’s ok to grieve, as long as you make room for other things”.

Wow pinning all this on him ? It's none of your dam business who he dates, you don't own him. Take a step back and wind your big interfering neck in.

I was widowed with two young children. When I met someone new when they were teenagers my DD kicked off big time - not for her feelings but she thought that I didn’t love her dad anymore and that he meant nothing to me nor the life we had together. I tried to explain the situation in this way.
When your brother was born, it was love at first: we loved everything about him and his little ways. We’d never felt love like this before.
Then you came along! And it was love at first sight; we loved everything about you and your little ways. But you and your brother are totally different people in every way but we still love you both equally because you’re you! But we also love you differently. No relationship is ever the same but it doesn’t diminish the love we have for someone or why we love them. We all have enough love in our hearts for people.
we also have a life to live and life is for living! not waiting for death to come knocking.
ive seen how being a lone after losing a partner can also destroy someone’s mind from being a vibrant sociable person to a shell of their former self.
don’t begrudge your dad happiness and a fulfilled loving and being loved life. He loved your mum just differently to this new person.
And don’t distance yourself from him - life is way too short
May be there is something deeper than this going and maybe the menopause has affected you being able to rationalise (it’s the gift that keeps on giving!!) your thoughts and feelings. But take a deep breath .. and try to look at the good this relationship can bring to you all not just your dad. It is not disrespecting your mum. All the best

OP is he never allowed to move on? How awfully sad to expect him to live the rest of his years miserable and alone when he has the opportunity to be happy.

This woman isn't replacing your mom, she's just the next partner after your mom.

Your dads still alive. Don't begrudge him living his life.

You sound awful, Op. Your parents are/were just people. And people move on.

While yes she was your mother, she was your Dad's wife. That ultimately isn't the same relationship, and people are allowed to move on after the death of a partner.

In a nutshell... this isn't, and never will be, about you. So stop trying to make it that way.

I don't know how old you are or if you live with your father.
2 years before moving on is quite a long time for a widower ime. Some can move on within months. I suspect partly because men are used to being looked after and having the home run for them so being alone doesn't suit.
I presume your DPs had many years together, the end seems acrimonious but surely they had some happy times together. What do old photos show?
How were they at your birth? Very happy together I suspect.
No one wants to die. And there are no rules as to how everyone should behave around a death. Your DM was very bitter. I think it's that that is affecting your view of your DF. But he is your DF not your husband. Your relationship is different. Counselling to give you an opportunity to open up about your feelings might help.

You wish you knew what you want?

let me tell you something, this has got nothing to do with what you want and everything to do with your father and his new partner.

he is happy and you seem to hate that?! Grow up please!!! You aren’t his ‘boss’ as for some reason this is how you like to put it!!!

you are only causing misery for both you and him.

you won’t win out, he has a new woman and he’s besotted. Next he will cut you out of the will if you continue in this spiteful vein!

I see your frustration and sadness due to his treatment of your mother, and would struggle myself to watch the new relationship blossom in a more positive way. It’s bound to trigger many emotions and they are always going to make it hard for you to not have negative feelings towards the situation.

In his shoes, and to my mind, he should have communicated his intentions honestly and firmly to his children. He would’ve reassured you that in no way will your mum ever leave his head or his heart and in no way is she replaceable. But that life does go on.

He should also reassure that your mother’s wishes (and hopefully his) to protect the family estate from a blended family scenario will be covered in his will and that you have an active Lasting Power of Attorney invade he becomes infirm.

it amazes me how many people leave everything like this until it’s too late and cause resentment due to poor handling of the situation.

*incase

OP I am experiencing similar at the moment and it’s indescribably difficult. My father is also not an easy man and while I love him lots. in fact he was an incredibly selfish husband and he bullied my lovely gentle Mum for a lot of their marriage.

I think my feelings would probably be very different if my Mum had been treated with love and kindness. It makes my skin crawl to see him all excited about a potential new partner and I don’t think I’ll ever feel any differently. It’s like my Mum’s dignity is being taken away, somehow, after she dedicated her life to him.

I am a year further down the road than you are but still grieving deeply for my Mum, too. I’d give just about anything to have her back with us, enjoying her life and feel so angry about everything she’s missed out on. It’s not just a case of being able to get over the death of a parent and accepting life moves on without them - I can honestly understand your pain and don’t think you’re selfish or any of the other things you’ve been accused of on this thread. It’s a complicated and painful place to be and my heart goes out to you.

You need to talk to a trained therapist, there are lots of very complex feelings going on here which clearly stem from childhood and your experience of your parents marriage / alignment with your mother. And of course grief at her death, and grief at this new partnership. And probably grief at the realisation of your own mortality especially if menopause is hitting.

To the outsider it sounds like your dad tried his best to look after your dying mum, is his way, and as you say they were married a long time which is no mean feat. He's found happiness and is possibly bungling the communication of that but to be fair he doesn't have a willing partner in that communication.

To you it feels different and that's why you need to work through all this.

I think you have misunderstood. As my first comment up-thread made clear, I was critical of OP's attitude, and think it's wonderful for a bereaved older parent to find another love. But I was also trying to empathise with OP in my second comment, and to understand why she has such complex feelings. OP is posting here asking for help coming to terms with the situation. A close friend who lost a parent, and had a difficult relationship with the surviving one, said she did have feelings popping up that the "wrong one died", resentful that her mum was off living a new life while her lovely dad was gone. She felt guilty about feeling that way but it was a feeling that happened, and she had to acknowledge it before she could deal with it.
Surely we can try to understand how people may be feeling, while encouraging them to move towards a more positive attitude?

Sounds like it's less to do with your df new woman, and more to do with how you feel he treated your dm at the end of her life.

My df met another woman 6 months after my dm had died, the difference is he'd been my mums carer for 4 years, he'd never gone out, his sole purpose for the last 4 years (they were married for 40), was to look after her. He was devastated when she died, but I think already moved on. It came as a shock, but I was happy, because he was happy.

I think the difference is, I see my df as a good man, I don't think you do see your df as a good man, or someone who cared for your dm when she needed it most.

I'd definitely recommend you find a councillor to work through this and give you coping strategies when he does eventually start 'showing her off'

OP
For heaven's sake!

They had an unhappy relationship, and your dad moved on shortly after. Reading between the lines, it seems you think this means your mum wasted her life with him? And that it was your dad's fault?
You will never know the ins and outs of their relationship, but they chose to continue it.

Your overall feelings for your dad are separate to this. A grief counselor is a great idea.
But for the love of dog, stop calling this woman 'bird' and 'boss'. She didn't orchestrate this. She isn't to blame for your parents unhappy marriage.

Judging by the fact you haven't said one nice thing about your dad I'd thought you'd be glad to get shot of him.

This is excellent advice. You are struggling so much with your own feelings over this, including your mum's death. I’m sorry for your loss.

She isn't replacing your dead mum at all, nothing will replace what went between them but he is allowed to move on and have a life or do you expect him to be alone forever.

Men move on quicker, they find it hard to be alone and not be cared for, it doesn't mean he doesn't still grieve privately for your mum, it doesn't mean he doesn't wish with all is heart she wasn't dead, he just chooses not to let it stop him living.

The bitterness you're holding on not is only poisoning yourself, remember that, you may be angry with him, her, the world around you but the way you are thinking and feeling is tearing you apart, no one else, not them. So go and speak to someone and work it out before you lose your dad too.

Thank you for the considered replies @SarahAndQuack @Wysiwyg55 A lot of the positive advice is to go to a counsellor. I have been to one session, but don't know whether that just encourages rumination and introspection.

@itswonkylampshade your situation sounds similar to mine. Do you have any tips? So far my strategy is to keep away from my father.

How does your father relate to you now? Does the new woman have children? I'm pretty confident that once this particular new woman has signed on the dotted line I'll be pushed out anyway. Better to jump than be pushed.