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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

*don'"t tell mummy"

109 replies

Idontknowwhattothink · 21/06/2022 00:50

I have a horrible gnawing pain in my stomach.

From what I can deduce from my nearly 4 year old little girl her dad left the house when she was in her room and then made her promise not to tell me.

She was massively stressed that she let it slip and wouldn't give me anymore details. The only time she goes to her room is at nighttime. I'm wondering if he went somewhere when I was out and she woke up screaming. She was describing how she was calling and calling but he was gone out.

That could be explained away as a mistake (eg. He simply didn't hear her) but the promise to not tell mum is making me hyperventilate. She was quite panicked about that part.

I feel there is a pattern of him manipulating and controlling people and now that pattern is emerging with her. I feel I need to get her away from him.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2022 01:23

I feel I need to get her away from him.

Why are you ignoring your instincts?

DenholmElliot1 · 21/06/2022 01:46

Do you live with him?

So he left her unattended at night is that what you're saying?

Notimeforaname · 21/06/2022 02:04

How did this come up? Had you been out of the house during the night? Was there time for this to happen? I'm thinking(hopefully) It was a dream/nightmare?

What kind of things has he done before, you say he's manipulative, how so?

FavouritePi · 21/06/2022 02:06

You need to explain that no matter what anyone says, you don't keep secrets and he was mistaken when he said not to tell you.

I would trust your instincts. I'd rather be wrong and end something knowing I was protecting my child than be right and ignore it.

QuidditchThroughtheAges · 21/06/2022 02:13

Could she have had a bad dream? But yes listen to her and ask your partner

notgreatthanks · 21/06/2022 04:05

Do you think he would leave her?
Do you trust him?

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 21/06/2022 04:12

Speak to her father. My almost 4 yer old say often that I've left him at night. That he was calling put and I didn't come.

He's just impatient and the 30 seconds it takes me or DH to get up, throw on a dressing gown and get in there must feel a lot longer to him.

layladomino · 21/06/2022 07:23

These are wise words:

I would trust your instincts. I'd rather be wrong and end something knowing I was protecting my child than be right and ignore it.

It could have been a misunderstanding. It could have been that he took ages to come to her and said 'don't tell mummy!' in a jokey way (giving benefit of the doubt) however you said she isn't normally in her room on her own in the day, and that he controls and manipulates people. So as a whole, this isn't looking good at all.

TBH, if he manipulates and controls you, you and your DD are better off away from him whatever really happened.

DaftyLass · 21/06/2022 08:16

Please trust yourself

RogerThatBravoOne · 21/06/2022 08:23

Explain there are good and bad secrets. Good secrets are not telling someone what their birthday present is. Bad secrets are secrets that make her feel sad and worried and upset her tummy and she must tell an adult she trusts.

Look up the PANTS rule on nspcc. It’s around sexual abuse but the principle around secrets still applies.

FreetheKhalo · 21/06/2022 08:28

I’m guessing he is your ex?

Would she speak to someone else that isn’t Mummy because she isn’t then breaking his trust. I know that you want her to come to you but if he has manipulated her this could be a way around, you can then deal with the aftermath!

Moodycow78 · 21/06/2022 08:30

Honestly love I've no idea but your reaction is very telling. I'm a big believer in listening to your gut and yours seems to be screaming at you right now, I'd take heed if I were you xx

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 21/06/2022 08:32

Was you not at home either OP? Can you check your partners phone before speaking to your partner?

To be honest I would get rid of him if it's not your DDs bio dad!

Moodycow78 · 21/06/2022 08:32

However my 3.5 year old told everyone I left him all alone (he was with his GF and not alone) when I went to work one day so they do lie. He wasn't upset though.

Footle · 21/06/2022 08:36

@Moodycow78 , that wasn't a lie. He was saying he missed you.

KangarooKenny · 21/06/2022 08:38

Was she at your house or her dad’s ?
Have you asked him about it ?

cannibalvalley · 21/06/2022 08:38

If you leave him, he will get access if he wants it. Just be aware.

moofolk · 21/06/2022 08:44

Sounds suspicious. Mainly because you are suspicious and you know him, and clearly don't trust him.

See if you can talk around the issue with her, you might have more luck, and reinforce the no secrets line.

As PP have said, kids do lie sometimes, or misrepresent situations, but this has made you queasy which is the big red flag.

Original poster
Idontknowwhattothink · 21/06/2022 09:29

Thanks for all the replies.

To clear up a few things -

We are together and overall happy. We did a stint in therapy a few years ago when things were not good. The therapist said he was being controlling toward me in subtle ways. To his credit he listened to her and other things came up from his own childhood. Things improved a lot as we worked with her.

He is her bio dad.

I think one of two things happened when I was out some evening:

  1. she was acting up and in frustration he stormed out the front door and ignored her cries. he could have been in the front garden going to the bins or on the street. He reconsidered and turned around, went upstairs to comfort her.

Or

  1. she was asleep, he went somewhere (to the shop?) but she woke up so he returned to find her hysterical.

He knows that in either of these scenarios I would be absolutely furious. He can be quite "oh it's grand, stop fretting". They are really close.

I suspect after he calmed her down he made her promise not to tell me.

That's what my gut is telling me. She was most bothered by the fact she'd told me when she wasn't supposed to.

I'm raging, utterly raging at the stupidity of it. Both parts (the negligence and the promise). Why is he teaching her that it's ok for someone - an adult - to have a secret with her that she keeps from mummy?

I've asked him wtf and he is denying everything. It drives me mad. His memory is awful (this is not me excusing him - it's been a cause for concern a lot) and he could well not remember because he's such a muppet he probably didn't even register it.

I have this gnawing anxiety that just because he was able to stop his controlling behaviour toward me it's embedded in him.

I don't know if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontknowwhattothink · 21/06/2022 09:32

Also I am menopausal and often feel so overwhelmed by my emotions I can't trust my reactions.

OP posts:
Bednobsbroomsticks · 21/06/2022 09:34

He would remember so he either left her or he didn't . Not something you forget.

PragmaticWench · 21/06/2022 09:36

I'd focus on the keeping secrets part with him, explain in black and white why this is a dangerous precedent to set with a young child. Use the NSPCC for supporting evidence to show him.

Original poster
Idontknowwhattothink · 21/06/2022 09:43

Bednobsbroomsticks · 21/06/2022 09:34

He would remember so he either left her or he didn't . Not something you forget.

Not something I would forget or you I'm sure but he definitely could. Certainly if he just went to the garden in frustrated rage and ignored her yelling.

It's the default 'lets cover my tracks and manipulated our child into not telling mummy' that is really upsetting me.

Why doesn't he know it's wrong and dangerous to encourage this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontknowwhattothink · 21/06/2022 09:46

PragmaticWench · 21/06/2022 09:36

I'd focus on the keeping secrets part with him, explain in black and white why this is a dangerous precedent to set with a young child. Use the NSPCC for supporting evidence to show him.

Yes, this. I've done this and we are going to enforce it together later today. He seemed really sorry that I was upset and is swearing he never left her and never would.

He said the only thing he's said don't tell mummy was a joke yesterday about a treat he bought her. He is really really adamant about it.

It's so confusing.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/06/2022 09:49

Do you have a joint account? Can you see whether he used his bank card at that time?

I would speak to your daughter while he's in the room and say that he must never ever say that something is to be kept secret from you unless it's about a gift. Your poor daughter, being told that.