*don'"t tell mummy"

[Idontknowwhattothink]

I have a horrible gnawing pain in my stomach.

From what I can deduce from my nearly 4 year old little girl her dad left the house when she was in her room and then made her promise not to tell me.

She was massively stressed that she let it slip and wouldn't give me anymore details. The only time she goes to her room is at nighttime. I'm wondering if he went somewhere when I was out and she woke up screaming. She was describing how she was calling and calling but he was gone out.

That could be explained away as a mistake (eg. He simply didn't hear her) but the promise to not tell mum is making me hyperventilate. She was quite panicked about that part.

I feel there is a pattern of him manipulating and controlling people and now that pattern is emerging with her. I feel I need to get her away from him.

Thoughts?

Noooo
Because then it looks bad on DD and she will feel bad also.

We have a few accounts; a joint, a business and a separate one each. So I won't be able to track much. Also I don't know when this actually happened as I've been out socialising twice and also working on the business over the last week or two.

He is confusing you, it’s more controlling behaviour.
Trust your gut.

And make sure your DD knows she was absolutely right to tell you.

I was so taken aback at what she said - it went like this; first she was calling me hysterically stating she thought I'd left. I said we would never leave her alone, she said daddy did. I said no he didn't, he must have been joking. She whispered he wasn't joking.

Then it partially unfolded but the most alarming thing was the backtracking and pleading with me not to say it to daddy that she told me.

I sat in the room with her holding her hand then she said she wanted to go to sleep and don't ask anymore questions and don't tell daddy.

She has never ever said before "I want to go to sleep."

Something is off.

I'm afraid that when your gut is speaking to you so strongly you have to listen to it OP.
Unfortunately, apart from that, I can't advise you what to do - you can't make your partner tell you the truth, and you can't keep on asking your Ddaughter. Good luck with however things transpire OP 💐

Something sounds really off and deeply upsetting. Your dd is terrified of Something, you need to get to the bottom of this. He is NOT a great father if he ever thought leaving a 4yo on her own even for a few minutes alone in the house is an OK thing to do.

Hmm you posed the question OP. Do you go out often on a night without your DD?

You need to do some digging bank statements and checking phones.... you owe it to your DD.

If this was my family, id assume it went like this:
'You left me. I'm going to tell mummy'
'No I didn't I just didn't hear you. Don't tell mummy I left you, because I didn't'
But you know your partner and daughter. Would she say something like that?

So he could have just left the room, not gone out entirely? Could be anything from him popping to the loo during bedtime routine to going down the pub/shops. The bigger issue is whether you trust him or not.

Sounds like he's gaslighting you, and your poor DD is suffering the results of it.

A bit of a different point of view here, and you will know if this is likely or not OP. But, could his memory genuinely be very poor, that he is starting to have trouble remembering things? You say you are menopausal, so would he have symptoms of early dementia or alzheimers? He might have genuinely forgot about her, went out to garden/shop, came back your DD is obviously upset and he is embarrassed that he forgot about her so told her not to tell mummy? Or he was slow in getting to her, but forgot the whole incident.

Like I said at the start, you know him better than the us on MN so maybe he is just a dick and went out and left a 4yo alone.

Thanks @CountryCatLady for your perspective. His memory is a worry. Last year we went to a number of medical professionals. The verdict was he wasn't forgetting things but not forming memories as suffering extreme stress / anxiety.

I am menopausal but it's early.

I think the truth is somewhere in between now that I've had time to calm down and think clearly.

I have been overreacting to stuff and I think my girl might have been trying to damage control. She does that sometimes. That makes me feel thoroughly shit but there it is.

I do think he left her but I think he went to the garden and was oblivious then told her not to make a big deal of it. He does stuff like that and doesn't hear. He did say to me the other night she had been a nightmare.

Him not registering stuff seems to be getting worse again (he had a sort of breakdown last year and I am getting flashbacks to how it built up in the preceding months). We were in the car yesterday and I told him to switch it off. He stared at the dashboard and responded it was switched off. It quite clearly wasn't. He looked totally confused. I came out today and the keys were in the front door. He keeps losing stuff. Like all the time.

I wanted to update here.

My girl raised the above with me various times but kept clamming up. She did say very earnestly that daddy whispers in her ear not to tell mummy.

She revealed to the childminder what was said. She is still having problems with the potty and keeps going in her knickers. Apparently he told her that if she soiled her knickers again he was going to leave and not come back. I am horrified and cry everytime I think of it. I've realised she then didn't go for three days.

This is really bad isn't it?

Lots of other stuff has happened recently. I've ended up getting a safety order from the courts. The police and women's aid strongly encouraged me to apply for one.

I'm so exhausted with it all. The outside world thinks all is fine except he has 'struggled with his mental health'

He does indeed struggle with his mental health but that manifests in him keeping control of the finances, forcing me to battle for any control over my own life, ridiculing me and ranting at me constantly, belittling me. Our finances are a mess, I had no idea and we nearly missed a mortgage payment. He has been lying to me.

He's manipulating our daughter now blatantly. If I say no to her he picks her up and says loudly "is mummy shouting and being angry? Don't worry, mummy is crazy. When she goes out I will let you do/have/watch X. We have a special deal don't we? Ignore mummy" then he will entirely deny he said those words, he will just take a maddeningly patronising tone and say "honey we need to work on our communication" or walk right out of the room declaring I'm not safe to be around.

I recorded him ranting at me. It's disturbing to listen to. I don't say a word while he goes on, the weirdest thing is it doesn't sound like him, the accent and intonation is off.

I never react and I feel like I'm dying inside. I've been in touch with authorities and am following advice.

If he continues to push me I don't know if I will be safe.

Ironically I still care about him and wish things could be different. If I get him out of our lives I don't know what will happen to him. If I don't get him out of our lives I don't know what will happen to us.

I just needed to get it off my chest here.

My daughter struggles to communicate her feelings. If I get out messy play etc she chats easier paint paper hands feet in it. Gently bring up the conversation you had while painting or playing or whatever you choose to do. Then having read your recent post you can start to get things straight in your head. If the police and womens aid are involved it doesn’t sound positive. I hope you are safe. I think it’s time to put yourself and your daughter first. You can love someone but it doesn’t mean they are right for you.

Apologies for the following, if I am wrong, but...Flags are waving here, he is telling his daughter to keep secrets, she is having toileting issues, she is scared about soiling herself and he has threatened her with leaving.
I may be jumping the gun, but I think I would take her to get checked up, does she have frequent tummy aches, UTI's? Suddenly secretive about her body?
Please do not let this man be alone with her, he is manipulating both of you,but your little one is trying to tell you something.

I think a parent teaching a child that it's fine for an adult to tell them to keep secrets is just awful. Terrible parenting

dissociative identity disorder??

If he's having memory problems and it didn't sound like him in the recording is his mental health more than a bit of anxiety etc....? Sounds more like he's either got some kind of dissociative personality, or he's really really hammering into the manipulation. Listen to your gut. You'd rather be wrong and overreact than stay and be really, really wrong. Toileting issues would be it for me he wouldn't be round her alone again til it was cleared up either way

Erm, unless he had some severe mental illness, he would 'remember' if he left her or not.
The very fact you are considering he may have legitimately forgot screams you need help to.
What the fuck are you playing at?

Is he still in the home?

Please protect your daughter!!!!

That's quite an escalation in two weeks!

I read that ‘surprises’ where the person finds out sometime are ok. Secrets are not, and it seemed a great way to differentiate. (It got more nuanced later with privacy, but that’s later. Privacy isn’t imposed. If it happens TO you, you get to chose. If it didn’t, you don’t). My kid knew the response to anyone asking her to keep a secret is ‘we don’t have secrets our family’ and if someone asked her to keep one, she was to tell a trusted adult immediately, who would help her decide if it was safe.

I’m two minds. I want my child to know I will always believe her. You read awful cases of abuse where children were not believed and were so let down by their adults. But my child told her father I ‘hit her in the head’, and nursery that I left her alone at home. Neither of which happened, to my absolute certain knowledge!

However, he has a history of controlling. Something happened he doesn’t want you to know about. She’s anxious (secrets do make kids anxious. It’s hard for them to keep a lid on the impulsivity) but she told you anyway. I think this kid needs you to protect her. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her in her father’s care, and I’d you can’t trust him to be alone with her, how you can you stay with him?

Whether is’s a genuine MH issue or he is simply a fucking bastard, your DD and you are not emotionally or psychologically safe. The bed wetting thing along with the “Don’t tell Mummy” one has alarm bells raised for me. I would get her GP appointment asap and get them to check her out.