*don'"t tell mummy"

[Idontknowwhattothink]

I have a horrible gnawing pain in my stomach.

From what I can deduce from my nearly 4 year old little girl her dad left the house when she was in her room and then made her promise not to tell me.

She was massively stressed that she let it slip and wouldn't give me anymore details. The only time she goes to her room is at nighttime. I'm wondering if he went somewhere when I was out and she woke up screaming. She was describing how she was calling and calling but he was gone out.

That could be explained away as a mistake (eg. He simply didn't hear her) but the promise to not tell mum is making me hyperventilate. She was quite panicked about that part.

I feel there is a pattern of him manipulating and controlling people and now that pattern is emerging with her. I feel I need to get her away from him.

Thoughts?

Your update is chilling to read, OP. I agree with pp, you need to get your DD out of there asap. Get yourself and your daughter somewhere safe, and then you can work out what's going on. Safety first.

I am going to be brutal because if this is real, then time is of the essence and your daughter's safety is at stake.

If you don't do something - and right now - you are complicit in your daughter's abuse. Go. NOW.

Please start a new thread, @Hollyjack , and then you'll get the replies you need.

Sorry just realised

@Hollyjack ,I've reported your post because it's on someone else's thread.

Bloody hell it was an accident 🙄👍

The bottom line is your dd can’t live with your dh. She just can’t, no matter what the details are there’s no question he’s damaging her.

If you can’t leave/make him leave then you need to look at other places that can care for her. Relatives, friends (though it’s a huge ask), social services. You need to reach out properly to professionals because this is bigger than you can juggle if you continue to live with him.

I’m very concerned for you, but ultimately your dd has no choices in the way that you do. She has to live in whatever situation you choose for her.

Get her out of there.

Is there any possibility he might be an alcoholic rather than having a mental illness like bipolar or whatever is suspected/dementia? I have an alcoholic family member that behaves much the same way when he has been drinking. He doesn't necessarily appear drunk but is erratic, unreasonable, rants and raves, is argumentative, plays the victim and forgets or denies things he has said and done.

Unless they are sick (which is really obvious, they usually wake up vomiting and you can hear plus their cry out is completely different) I often ignore my kid when they shout in the night.

Almost always they have woke up thinking its morning (especially now as its light virtually all bloody night) when its not and will go back to sleep themselves within 15 minutes (sometime under 3 minutes), they have a night light they can switch on themselves and pretty much everything they could need.

Other than thinking they woke up at 8am instead of 4am the other occasional thing is where they wake up and demand to find a toy they suddenly realised havent seen in 6 months - I'm not searching high and low for scooby doo at 2am.

Its only if its over 15 minute I would go see whats up and in my decade+ of being a parent it has never been anything bar the above 2 senarios and usually the not going to sleep within 15 minutes is because the batteries in the nightlight ran out.

I have however never gone out and left (obviously) them I just haven't gone rushing too them either.

This sounds so like a form of dementia. I hope you can get your GP to persuade him to have tests.

I have never said this before but this sounds exactly like my abusive ex who had dissociative identity disorder. Mental illness or not, your daughter cannot be around that. He is abusing both of you at this point. You need to leave and get to a refuge as soon as possible.

I'd also worry that the soiling/being worried about taking off her underwear is a signal of something else. That needs to be mentioned to the relevant authorities.

I don't know what his problem is, but you need to make sure he has no access to you, or his daughter (unsupervised). The rest is none of your business in the immediacy.

I disagree, I don't think a 'mature conversation' can be had while he is in the family home. He may have MH issues or onset of an illness, but the facts remain that whatever the cause his behaviour is damaging both of you.

As someone who works in child protection I agree all the flags for abuse, whether sexual or not are there, you need a place of safety for you and your daughter.

By all means work though things from that space, but for what it's worth I think he is abusive and you have to act now.

Please take your little girl and leave, OP. This is not a safe place for her.

do people not read all the op posts

hes scaring her into not goingt o the toilet shes terrified of him-i dont care if it is dementia theyre not safe there

just leave before ss get involved

I agree. The priority now is ensuring that her dd is suffering further distress and damage, not figuring out what’s wrong with her father whilst she continues to suffer in the meantime. If nothing else, that needs to stop immediately.

It doesn't really matter what the root cause of his behaviour is. The fact is that he isn't safe to have around.
Get safe first.

Your partner sounds seriously disturbed from what you've said. Saying things in a loud voice do you can hear and then denying he has said them.
That isnt normal behaviour if I am understanding things correctly. You need to leave.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to post supportive replies. This is a truly horrendous experience.

To the few posters who took it upon themselves to write things like - what the hell are you playing at / is this real / leave now - may I kindly ask you what the hell you're playing at writing nasty posts like that to a worried sick trying her best mum?!

I have contacted the police and on their advice gone to court and obtained a protection order. I have linked in with women's aid and on their advice done the above and have made an appointment for free legal advice. My DH is now back under care of the mental health services after I have relentlessly pursued them for weeks. I have spent all afternoon in there and a number of organisations and support structures are involved.

They don't think he is abusing her. His memory is clearly failing. He is getting support, we as a family are getting support, I've been told to seek support myself due to the strain this is putting on me.

I recently set up my own business after winning a long painful battle with cancer. I own half this house. I won't be abducting our child (and leaving myself wide open to charges or jeopardising my chances of custody) given none of the authorities think she's in danger, losing our home or letting my business go down the drain but I will get his ass thrown in a cell if he starts anymore crap with me - that's what the protection order is for.

Thanks again to everyone for your support.

Yes, you’re right, this is very off.
Your partner is lying. Why? Could he have gone to the pub, or met someone outside?

I feel there is a pattern of him manipulating and controlling people and now that pattern is emerging with her. I feel I need to get her away from him.

People telling you to leave him are not being "nasty" OP. They are responding to the scary things you wrote in your posts. Your posts were very frightening. You have now apparently determined that he is safe with your daughter, despite her telling you in words and behaviours that he is not.

I certainly have not decided he's safe. I am taking steps to have him removed without losing custody, my home or my business.

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The comments telling you to leave and/or remove your daughter from the situation were based on the updates you’d given and truly were meant in the best interest of your DD. Nobody thinks you are a bad mum but sometimes outsiders see things in a different way than when you’re in the middle of things. Red flags can sometimes be tricky to see when we’re in the thick of something. I hope you’re getting all the help you need.

Yes I know thank you @MummyJ36 it was moreso the "what the hell are you playing at?" and "is this real?"

Yes it's very much real.