*don'"t tell mummy"

[Idontknowwhattothink]

I have a horrible gnawing pain in my stomach.

From what I can deduce from my nearly 4 year old little girl her dad left the house when she was in her room and then made her promise not to tell me.

She was massively stressed that she let it slip and wouldn't give me anymore details. The only time she goes to her room is at nighttime. I'm wondering if he went somewhere when I was out and she woke up screaming. She was describing how she was calling and calling but he was gone out.

That could be explained away as a mistake (eg. He simply didn't hear her) but the promise to not tell mum is making me hyperventilate. She was quite panicked about that part.

I feel there is a pattern of him manipulating and controlling people and now that pattern is emerging with her. I feel I need to get her away from him.

Thoughts?

Jesus @Idontknowwhattothink this sounds 100 times worse than your original post. Speak to a family lawyer and get your ducks in a row to leave him, he sounds unhinged and as if he's trying to build a picture that you are the unhinged one to potentially get custardy. Please do this for your daughter. I'm so sorry youre going through this. X

Why are you gaslighting yourself?

Stop.

Other people do that enough.

Have you thought about putting cameras around the house, so that if this happens again, you've got proof?

OP, neither of you sound mentally healthy. It sounds like at extremely stressful household for your daughter.

Are you getting support for your behaviours that you attribute to the menopause?

Oh @Idontknowwhattothink I am so sorry, this is just so horrendous for you. I have to agree with @ChampagneLassie, except I don't think that you have time to "get your ducks in a row". Just go before something too awful to even contemplate happens.

If you have no-where safe to go to with family or friends, then please turn to women's aid again, and if they can't help you then go and sit in the councils offices later today with your daughter, and don't leave until they put you in temporary housing for a night or two - preferably in a different town - and transport you there. After a night or two they will have hopefully been found you both a safe place for the two of in your own town, or even back in your own home, depending on what happens with your husband.

Are you able to tell us what the safety order comprises of OP? The trouble with anything like safety orders (but yes you were definitely right to get one, so that the police can act straight away if your husband threatens, or tries to harm you or your daughter) is that they will work well with perfectly sane and law abiding citizens, but anyone who has any disregard for the law, whether through mental health problems, or through just not giving a , probably won't let any restraining orders etc stop them from doing what they want.

I am not trying to scare you OP, well actually maybe I am, just a little bit, but I think you are already scared and confused enough, and I certainly don't want to add to your stress. But like you, I and the other mumsnetters here want you and your dearest daughter to be safe, and hopefully we can help you with that, by the very fact that we are not, and never have been, in love with your husband, nor are we invested in his welfare in any meaningful way either, so at the moment we can probably see your situation - as you have told us here - more clearly than you can. So I hope that at least some of our comments make sense to you, and can therefore help you with your decision making.

Once you and your daughter are safe, you can work with your husband's GP and the police, and hopefully a mental health team as well, so that if your husband agrees to their intervention they can try and find out exactly what mental health problems your husband is suffering from. For example, Dementia can actually change a person's character, so if they find out that your husband does have an early onset Dementia they would know reasonably well how he could, and how he couldn't, be helped.

I am only suggesting that you stay involved (but in the background) because you obviously still care about your husband, your daughters father; but if you are not up to coping with any of that then please don't feel guilty - you and your daughter have already been through so much, so if you only have the energy, and or the inclination to concentrate on your daughter and you, that is absolutely understandable, and probably the preferable option for you both. I, and I am sure many others here, will be thinking about you, and sending as many positive energies as possible xx

This is a very worrying situation for that little girl. I feel sick for her 🥺

I've ended up getting a safety order from the courts. The police and women's aid strongly encouraged me to apply for one.

What does this mean? I was hoping it meant he is out of the house and doesn't have access on his own to your daughter but clearly not from the rest of the post.

Please do whatever it takes to keep your daughter safe. That means getting him to leave.

Idk if you have heard this analogy but please put your oxygen mask on first. If you can’t save yourself, you can’t save your daughter. It also sounds as though you can’t save everyone. However painful this is, you are going to need to choose to say your dd and yourself. The authorities know there is an issue with your partner and you can contact them and let them know he needs help. From what you’ve said his behaviour is really strange and may meet the criteria for being sectioned.

OP, I really, really hate to say this, but your update is full of red flags for child sex abuse. The secrets, the threats, the toileting issues, the "don't tell mummy" thing.

You need to get your daughter away from this man and get her to a doctor as soon as possible so she can be checked over.

I am so sorry you're going through this 💐

OP, you need to get yourself and your dd away from him. Trust your gut, it has nothing to do with the menopause, your gut is right, he’s controlling you and now your dd. He’s making out to your dd that your the bad guy and he’s the good guy, he sounds dangerous.
Do not feel bad for him because of his last or his MH/Memory issues, you need to put you and dd first and make sure you are both safe. Plan your escape from him and make sure you are both safe.

If this is real you have to get your daughter away. She is being mightily mightily fucked up and the damage done already is going to take a while to unpack but hopefully do-able. Don’t let it get worse…. Your DH is an adult. She is a vulnerable child. You need to put her first then help him from
tje sidelines if appropriate/if you can without compromising yourself and her

ExH and I tell our shared care kids they should never have secrets at all.

a secret is something you’ll never tell anyone.

a surprise is different- you’re just not telling them yet.

that’s why surprises feel exciting but secrets feel worrying.

Could he have early onset dementia?

He needs some intense mental health support as there is clearly a mental crisis and it is escalating fast. You need to (a) remove yourself and your daughter immediately, and then (b) speak to a psychiatrist for advice.

I think police/social services/woman's aid will be good for protecting you, but he needs support if there is to be a hope of sorting this out. I’m not sure you are making the best instinctive moves at the moment but it must be incredibly stressful to deal with the stuff that is ramping up so quickly, so I suggest you take yourself and your daughter out of the situation completely because that will be safer for you both than trying to deal with this from within the relationship.

Up to you whether or not you take this on as your responsibility in terms of helping him sort it out.

@TheLadyofShalott1 wonderful post.

You need to leave this relationship as soon as possible and use his 'illness' against him as reason he cannot have sole charge.

If not for your sanity or your DD's, for the fact that any minute now you will be the carer for a man you know to be a total wrong un.

A policewoman I know who has seen the wort of the worst cases of Child Abuse here in Aus told me that one of the best ways to protect your kids is to teach them to parrot “We don’t keep secrets in our family.” They must be taught that there is no good reason for an adult to ask a kid to keep a secret - EVER! (Even if it’s mum, dad, GP, etc.)

I am in no way suggesting that there is anything going on, but “ whispering”
” don’t tell mummy” is concerning . And reverting back to soiling can be a sign of sexual abuse … I’m so sorry to add this comment but I couldn’t leave it unsaid.

My initial reaction was that this sounds really concerning, but after reading a little more it sounds plausible that he may be being sincere. My advice would be instead of jumping to any conclusions, have a mature conversation with him first, maybe have your daughter there too if you want to. That way you can hear both sides of the story.

What a chilling update

Please leave OP, he sounds as though he is grooming her.

OP.....look, your child is clearly suffering because of your husbands inability to control something within himself. You can explain it away with mental health issues (which can be legitimate) but you yourself know you aren’t instinctively feeling that this is not a good situation. The needs of your child come first , she needs you and you seem to be prioritising your DH and trying to figure out when he’s acting why he’s acting. This situation sounds totally toxic and the fact that your daughter has to “damage control” and you are aware of this but STILL refuse to take the matter in hand speaks volumes. Your child comes first, go and stay with some family for a bit. Figure some things out. Don’t subject her to this living situation anymore.

Please leave. You won't be good for anything or anyone if you end up having a breakdown. Only you and DC wellbeing is important. I suffered from a childhood trauma. I have memory loss from childhood. I have suffered MH problems since I can remember. I have nightmare which are actually memories. I have suicidal thoughts. I'm now in my 40s and despite therapy (lots of it) my life has been tinted by the impact of the trauma. I'm not saying this is your child's future but that you have no idea of the future repercussions and impact on your child.

"TBH, if he manipulates and controls you, you and your DD are better off away from him whatever really happened"

Completely agree if you ignore your gut instinct and how he treats you it is possible that you're putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5 but why the hell should you ignore how he treats you and what your gut is screaming at you.

1. It is true that your daughter is distressed
2. It is true that part of her distress is fear of her fathers reaction for telling you that she was afraid and distressed.

1 is perfectly normal, 2 absolutely is not. Take what time you need to plan and organise but please make a plan which sees the 2 of you living free of him.

Op, I have been on Mumsnet many years and this is the scariest thread I've ever read. There is really good advice above, please, please follow it.

I’m so sorry. Please stop worrying about why he is acting like this and focus on protecting your child. I hope you get good support to help you