Dad wants to remarrry and its causing anxiety amongst my siblings

[orangeyorkie]

My mother sadly passed away from cancer at the age of 48 five years ago. My Dad (who was then 45) and us kids (there are 5 of us) were devestated. However we are all pretty young, I'm the eldest and have 2 kids of my own now and my youngest sister who was 16 when my mum died is now left home and at university.

Dad was greiving and pretty focused on us for the first couple of years after mum died and never dated as far as any of us know. I knew Dad was lonely and so at the start of 2020 I started suggesting Dad get himself on the dating apps and meet some people but he shyed away from that and then covid hit anyway. Then during the summer of 2020 Dad started seeing a woman he met when he was out dog walking, they kept bumping into each other and chatting initially Dad thought she was way too young for him but when he found out she was 42 ( he was 48 then) he asked her out and they have been together ever since. She is widowed herself and she's a really lovely person.

There have been some issues with some of my siblings, she does look very young for her age, I thought she was not far off my age (28) when I first met her and the one thing we all asked dad to do was not to go chasing someone our age, which he hasn't but the perception is the same and sometimes for some of my siblings thats uncomfortable. There is also the issue that Dad is really, really happy and loved up with her. Now I know that they are still in the new phase of the relationship but I do think that on some fundamental level they are better suited than he and my mum were and that hurts to see sometimes.

Dad was 3 years younger when he met our mum. He fancied her like mad and pursued her even though she had a boyfriend for months eventually after she broke up with the other guy she went out with my Dad and I think my Mum must have fallen pregnant with me about 2 weeks later. They got married and had another 4 children together. I've wondered many times if Mum and Dad would have been together if they hadn't had me and to be honest I don't think they would have. Dad was just a boy really when they got together and Mum was pretty and a lovely person but her main focus was always just on her kids and I think Dad often felt lonely and lacked connection in the marriage. They cared for each other and they had this shared project in the 5 of us but outside that they had pretty seperate lives. With his girlfriend that is something and someone just for him.

Now Dad wants to remarry in the next year or so to her and that is causing some conflict with my siblings even though we all agree that she's really nice and has given Dad a new lease of life. Dad has money due to a very successful early career and he could have ended up with someone really awful just after his cash but this woman who never had her own family due to her late husbands poor health has her own career and money. I do understand how they feel and sometimes it is difficult to see him so loved up or to have my kids form a bond with her and love her when it should have been my mum but those feelings do pass quickly and I know the are about my grief then anything she has done and you know she's done things she didn't need to helped with childcare when she didn't need to .

There is also the issue of Dads money when they do get married, he's worth a lot and some siblings have complained that if they marry she could inherit the lot as he is older than her. Dad's girlfriend has suggested that Dad sees a lawyer to sort out how his kids will inherit prior to them marrying to allay any fears that she is trying to grab his money. I personally don't think that is the case, I expect my Dad will probably still keep her to some extent especially as he is now semi retired and wants someone to spend time with and travel with.

I think the real reason for the intermittent animosity towards her from some of my siblings is more that they are still struggling with losing Mum and it feels like this woman is trying to take her place and in some respects overtaking her place in Dads affections. I ultimately want Dad to be happy he's only 50 and could have decades of life left I hope so why shouldn't he have someone?

I'm not sure what my question is really, just wondering if this is a familer situation to anyone and how to smooth things over?

She sounds like the best thing for your dad and your siblings sound grabby. It’s his money and he can blow it all now or leave it all to the donkey sanctuary and leave them nothing. He owes you nothing. Tell them this. Let them get married and be happy and make their own way in life

Difficult situation, but I think your Dad definitely deserves his second chance. It sounds as if he honoured your Mum's memory, did his best to help your younger siblings deal with her death, didn't go straight into dating as soon as your Mum died like some men do. He is 'allowed' to be happy.

Would perhaps have a conversation with him about inheritance - I don't think there's inherently anything wrong in expecting at least some of your parent's assets go to their children and grandchildren.

It's up to your dad how he spends his money and who inherits and very entitled of your sibling to even think about and should concentrate on their own careers and incomes and pensions. No one is entitled to an inheritance and no one should rely on it.

However, dh and I have trust wills so when one of us dies our half is protected for the dc. Obviously your dm didn't have this set up?

Good God, he's 50, not 80. He may live the same again.
Your siblings seem to think he needs POA & a zimmer.
Do they know that "old" people are just as lucid as young people, but in an older shell ?
The siblings should be happy he has found someone nice, who has already suggested the inheritance solution. Who loves him, who comes bringing no other children into the mix.
They have their love & memories of your mother, this woman takes nothing away from that.

I'm with you in thinking it'd be great for your dad to remarry. Years ago before my mother got ill (she passed away two years ago in her early 70's) we spoke about how most men do better when they have a partner and she was upfront in her belief and hope that if she went first that my father would meet someone, I agreed with her and told her that I've warned my husband he is only allowed one year of mourning and then back dating if I died. Dad is in his late 70's and I really would love him to meet someone for company and to get out with, without a doubt if he was younger I'd be pushing him to date. It's great that your dad has met a nice lady, your siblings concern about their potential inheritance is pretty disgusting to be honest, they are young enough to make their own money and your dad is young enough to enjoy his. Encourage him to do whatever makes him happy, life is too short to not make the most of it.

I think your siblings need to grow up. Do they expect him to live the next 30 or more years alone just to protect their money?

he is happy and that’s what should be important

Your dad has been lucky enough to find someone to love and spend his life with a woman who seems to feel the same.

Do your siblings really want him to be alone and unhappy just so they feel better? His life is no-ones business but his own, let me get on with it, and as for his money, it does sound a bit like they are ‘protecting’ their assets, as a PP has mentioned it feels very grabby.

If the inheritance was due to generational wealth, then I could see why your siblings would feel entitled to it, but as your dad made the money himself he can do what he wishes. As his future wife doesn’t have her own children though, there is not the worry that the new wife would cut your sibling out in favour of her own children. Surely your siblings must see this as a positive thing as your dad could marry someone with children/have more children with someone if they block this marriage.

The key here is the marriage. Moving on is understandable. It’s harder to accept that the money the deceased parent worked hard to earn and save is going to end up going to support the new wife. If they get married, it’s difficult to avoid that. If they are past the child stage of life, they don’t really need to get married or form an economic partnership, a romantic relationship is sufficient.

Hmmm I'm not sure that it is "Dad's money" purely, as surely it was also Mum's, and Mum would probably have expected to bequeath to her children. It sounds as though new gf is very sensitive to this, and I think she is wise to attempt to sort it out in order to protect not just you children, but also her relationship with you all, which is going to be central to her life from now on. She sounds very thoughtful and invested in everyone being happy. You can perhaps point out to sibs what a good sign this is.

This ^ with bells on.

That 8 year difference doesn't guarantee your dad will go first, or that all his money won't go on care homes for one or both of them. If she has a good career of her own, then its very unfair to assume she's after his money, or that she won't end up dying first and leaving her money to him.

They could have a prenup and then wills that reflect his money will go to the kids if that's what he wants, with her getting something like a life time interest in the house (so you can't evict her on his death from her home, but it belongs to the kids).

Its also worth mentioning to the siblings who are struggling with this, she could end up being your dads wife for longer than your mum was.

She sounds very understanding. It's relatively easy to sort out wills to ensure that he leaves money to his children, this is down straight after marriage because the act of getting married voids existing wills. Your dad was my age when he met her and we are certainly not on the scrap heap! My dp has sorted his finances out to leave money to his DD's and me, I get use of our house then it's sold and money split between our heirs (if he goes first) we are tenants in common.

And yes I have looked into ringfencing 'my share' to my children if I predecease dh and he were to remarry. Not sure its easy without 'disinheriting' dh of his half of the estate. But not sure there is anything OP can do to prevent them taking the step to marriage if that is how they feel about each other. But if she is willing to explore those options, I think that is one way to damp down possible ill-feeling.

Younger unmarried sibs will be feeling more vulnerable than you OP, even though they are legally adults now. And your view that new gf is in some ways 'better' for your df than mum was, though perfectly legitimate to hold as a view, is potentially very hurtful for them to hear. They might feel big sis is abandoning them a bit by 'siding' with new gf (though obviously there are no actual 'sides', just saying how touchy they might be about it) . And they probably look to you a LOT, whether anyone ever expresses this or not

I agree with everyone really that this is like a best case scenario that it would be more complex if she had her children or was of an age to want more children, thats just no on the cards for them. We could be dealing with a scammer or gold digger. She is really a nice person who looks after dad, well she's a great cook and has him off the endless ready meals he was eating when he was living alone. We're all starting ourlives and I don't think any of us want to be worrying about Dad not looking after himself or getting depressed or lonely on his own.

I do think the question of money being put into trusts etc is a good idea. My mum stopped working before having me and never worked another day, Dad always gave her plenty of money but she didn't have a penny of her own so she didn't have wills. Dad does have a will but my brother says a new wife could contest it. I don't think we need to worry, I think we have to accept that all being well Dad will probably largely financially support her if they do marry especially if he wants her to reduce her work commitments to be with him more often and he will probably leave her money but she has already pointed out that there are special wills for situations like this where there is a remarriage. Its going a bit slower as Dad's solicitor unfortunately passed away last year unexpectedly. He was a good friend for a long time and Dad hasn't really found a replacement yet.

(I am not suggesting you actually spelled out that there some ways in which new gf might be if anything better for your df than mum, i'm sure you haven't, but I bet they are very sensitive to any hints nonetheless)

He’s 48. Trust me that when you reach your 40s you won’t be ready to give up on love, life and sex.

It’s really not on to try and dictate to another adult how old their partner should look.

Your siblings need to understand that “dad” is actually a real, human person too.

It's great your dad has found love again and has a chance of happiness. It doesn't mean he loved your mum less or his children less - I was widowed at 46 without children and met a widower 5 years older than me with three adult children, and as my now husband explained at our wedding, you can love again and you aren't cancelling out or detracting from previous loves

I had a good job and my own house when I met my now DH, one of his daughters even checked out my financial situation!! - perhaps she thought I was after his money? I find this attitude about money and inheritance insulting. I also find it's very upsetting when his children don't think their father has a right to happiness or that I don't have a right to some happiness with their father either.

We both went to solicitors and had our wills drawn up to ensure that his children and grandchildren will benefit. I've also ensured that if he dies before me I don't get chucked out of the house by any of the family - we bought and paid for it together and it's jointly owned by us. You have to plan and assume the worst case scenario

I try to be open and honest with my step children as does my DH so that any issues are dealt with before they become big issues

They don’t have to like it but they’re very unreasonable to vocalise their resentment that he’s happy or that they might not get their hands on all of his money. They’ll be choosing to damage their relationship with their remaining parent by being shitty about his future wife. I hope he embraces his happiness and doesn’t let anyone try and ruin it.

@ValerieDoonican Its difficult to express in words just how obvious their chemistry and compatility is but its obvious, I don't have to say anything for my siblings to notice it. However as I was the oldest I was the one Mum was most candid with about how things were between her and Dad.

Men who were happy in a marriage often go on to marry again relatively quickly.

Have an honest chat with him about the inheritance, a trust or something similar would make sense. I'd talk to your dad before your siblings so it doesn't sound like you've been ganging up.

DH has kids and I don't - we've set up a will so that if he goes first I can buy his kids out of the house, because I don't want a situation where I feel they are waiting for me to die as per a trust. And I just don't want to have to leave the home that is ours if he died in order for his kids to inherit their share.

We were in a very similar situation when my mum remarried 10 years ago and all had very similar feelings. It helped that my mum and now stepdad were very open about what would happen money wise and with inheritance so that worry was sorted out.
All I can really say is that it does hurt because it presses on the bruise of grief but it does feel better with time and I’m very relieved that my mum is happy and not lonely and has met someone we all like.
we couldn’t really talk to my mum about it but I spoke to friends and my siblings which helped

@Aksbdt Thanks for posting and understanding that those feelings aren't really something you can control and do have a lot to do with grief.

@BadAtMaths2 Yeah I read that as well about happily married men and I think its true. My parents might not have been the biggest love story but it was a good marriage.

I'm also glad that Dad didn't have to battle it out in the online dating sphere as someone nice pretty much fell into his lap. I've not done online dating myself but I hear that its not always very nice.

@Trivester No of course it isn't but she does look young and not in that glam way some older women do, she just looks like a grad student or something and people do assume he's dating someone much younger but she's only 6 years younger than him.