Dad wants to remarrry and its causing anxiety amongst my siblings

[orangeyorkie]

My mother sadly passed away from cancer at the age of 48 five years ago. My Dad (who was then 45) and us kids (there are 5 of us) were devestated. However we are all pretty young, I'm the eldest and have 2 kids of my own now and my youngest sister who was 16 when my mum died is now left home and at university.

Dad was greiving and pretty focused on us for the first couple of years after mum died and never dated as far as any of us know. I knew Dad was lonely and so at the start of 2020 I started suggesting Dad get himself on the dating apps and meet some people but he shyed away from that and then covid hit anyway. Then during the summer of 2020 Dad started seeing a woman he met when he was out dog walking, they kept bumping into each other and chatting initially Dad thought she was way too young for him but when he found out she was 42 ( he was 48 then) he asked her out and they have been together ever since. She is widowed herself and she's a really lovely person.

There have been some issues with some of my siblings, she does look very young for her age, I thought she was not far off my age (28) when I first met her and the one thing we all asked dad to do was not to go chasing someone our age, which he hasn't but the perception is the same and sometimes for some of my siblings thats uncomfortable. There is also the issue that Dad is really, really happy and loved up with her. Now I know that they are still in the new phase of the relationship but I do think that on some fundamental level they are better suited than he and my mum were and that hurts to see sometimes.

Dad was 3 years younger when he met our mum. He fancied her like mad and pursued her even though she had a boyfriend for months eventually after she broke up with the other guy she went out with my Dad and I think my Mum must have fallen pregnant with me about 2 weeks later. They got married and had another 4 children together. I've wondered many times if Mum and Dad would have been together if they hadn't had me and to be honest I don't think they would have. Dad was just a boy really when they got together and Mum was pretty and a lovely person but her main focus was always just on her kids and I think Dad often felt lonely and lacked connection in the marriage. They cared for each other and they had this shared project in the 5 of us but outside that they had pretty seperate lives. With his girlfriend that is something and someone just for him.

Now Dad wants to remarry in the next year or so to her and that is causing some conflict with my siblings even though we all agree that she's really nice and has given Dad a new lease of life. Dad has money due to a very successful early career and he could have ended up with someone really awful just after his cash but this woman who never had her own family due to her late husbands poor health has her own career and money. I do understand how they feel and sometimes it is difficult to see him so loved up or to have my kids form a bond with her and love her when it should have been my mum but those feelings do pass quickly and I know the are about my grief then anything she has done and you know she's done things she didn't need to helped with childcare when she didn't need to .

There is also the issue of Dads money when they do get married, he's worth a lot and some siblings have complained that if they marry she could inherit the lot as he is older than her. Dad's girlfriend has suggested that Dad sees a lawyer to sort out how his kids will inherit prior to them marrying to allay any fears that she is trying to grab his money. I personally don't think that is the case, I expect my Dad will probably still keep her to some extent especially as he is now semi retired and wants someone to spend time with and travel with.

I think the real reason for the intermittent animosity towards her from some of my siblings is more that they are still struggling with losing Mum and it feels like this woman is trying to take her place and in some respects overtaking her place in Dads affections. I ultimately want Dad to be happy he's only 50 and could have decades of life left I hope so why shouldn't he have someone?

I'm not sure what my question is really, just wondering if this is a familer situation to anyone and how to smooth things over?

Ah your sister was 16! I thought your daughter was 16!

This. Your siblings sound vile and entitled. How dare they write your dad off at 50?!

The new lady sounds perfect for your dad, it’s lovely he’s found somebody to spend the rest of his life with.

Ideal for who? Not your poor dad who sounds like he has done everything right 🙄

I lost my mum and dad was alone.
2 years later he met a new lady.
One year older, through friends.
We were delighted.
Like your situation they both had money.
In the end, after 3 years they sold their houses and brought one together.
As mum stipulated from her will 'from her half' of the house sake, she left a third to each of us(including dad).
They were together 30 more years.
She was wonderful
She looked after him and they had a beautiful life together.
He was a very happy man.
She loved him.
I will be grateful to her for the rest of my life.
Dad sadly died first some 6 years ago.
She was / still is devastated.
Be pleased for him - the alternative is unthinkable.

I think it's understandable if it's about looking out for your dad but it doesn't sound like that. It sounds like your siblings are looking out more for their inheritance which is slightly sad.
You sound more level headed. I'd be supportive - get the rest to back off a bit (if you can). Everyone deserves a bit of happiness where they can find it. Your dad could have years ahead of him. I'm sure your mum would want him to be happy and I'm sure if she were the one that was here many people would be encouraging her to also find happiness.

Good luck OP. It sounds like you may have some difficult conversations ahead with your siblings. Money and family can be difficult.

I think it is very common that bereaved men find a new relationship very fast, faster than bereaved women generally. Your situation actually strikes me as quite slow development in comparison.

my own father met his new partner within 8 weeks of my mothers funeral and was officially trying to introduce her within 4 months.
my fathers partner is, for what I can tell 20 years later, a lovely lady. Curtis ly seems to have kept my aging father young and healthy for his age. I have no doubts they are happy.

however, it is a fathers attitude that has been so difficult to deal with. He didn’t have a happy relationship with my mum, and when he met his new partner he basically expunged the memory of our mum form his life. He removed all photos, all memories and refused to discuss her. More horribly he felt his feelings should be the only feelings the family had for my mum…he wasn’t grieving so why should we? He did want to discuss her and share memories..so nor were we going to talk to him about mum. He was basically trying to edit her out of all our lives. When I challenged him on this eventually and said how upsetting I found it to not be able to grieve my mum with him, he excommunicated me. Told me I was never to speak to him again.he told me I disapproved of his new partner . I didn’t know her! I disapproved of him and how his feelings were riding rough shod over his children who needed to be able to grieve. That was 20 years ago. I tried to reunite with him about 12 years ago, only for him to cut me off again. He has not seen his grandchildren since the eldest was 7- he’s in his late 20s now. It has caused me a lot distress and contributed to mental health issues.

so, I think it is fine asking children of widowed father to move on and accept new partner, but not at the cost of their mother being wiped form history. if , particularly the younger children feel there is no longer a a safe space to talk about their mum, it is extremely difficult to handle and accept …it makes accepting that new relationship so hard. Not because they oppose the idea or the women, but the loss of their mother all over again. That has to be recognised and maybe poster you can help them and your do navigate that in a way that allows him to move on, but still a shared space for the memory of their mum.

unfortunately I think men can be particularly prone to doing this, as they tend to view love as a limited finite resource they have and “prioritise “ it…I have heard so many men Say “my wife is my priority now” , “ I have to put my partner first” when they are using it as an excuse to opt out of familial duty occasions (such as helping an aged parent), or actually sit down and negotiate and compromise on keeping multiple people who love them content…it is in my view lazy and avoiding them making effort with multiple people at the same time. I have never heard a women say this..we just keep passing the love out to whoever needs it simultaneously 🙄ok, I’m generalising I know…but it is a distinct trend imh but extensive experience.

Hopefully they will get married .. and then spend all of their joint money having the most fabulous 30 or 40 years … travel .. lots of travel.

I don’t expect a bean when my mum dies, or my in laws - hope they spend it all having a great time

She's not too young to still have children too, OP.

Your siblings are being incredibly grabby and frankly awful. Your Dad deserves to be happy. Part of growing up is understanding your parents are just people.

He can do what he likes. And if any of my children tried to treat me like that, at the age of just 50, they'd watch me spend every penny they ever thought they'd get for themselves.

I agree.

When my mum was dying she told us a family story about my grandfather, my dads dad. My grandmother died when my DF was days old, leaving my GF with four children to bring up on his own , 13,11,9 and DF a few days old. It was all very tragic but gf promised gm he would keep the family together which he kept. He was only 40 when widowed and some years later he met someone, his daughters then young adults totally disapproved and he reluctantly ended the relationship ( it was the 1950s)Anyway gf lived the rest of his life single.
When he died my DF was sorting out his things and found a photo of the woman he had had a brief relationship with tucked into the back of his wallet. He had carried with him all that time.
My mum made us promise we would not do the same with my DF. He did meet someone and remarry, unfortunately she was a gold digger and hasn’t been heard of since the day of my dads funeral. I am normally a very passive accepting and forgiving person but I really hope karma makes her death very long and very painful.
I don’t resent the fact that she profited from a short marriage because we honoured my mums wishes and she did make him happy until he fell ill.
Not every woman is a gold digger and it really shouldn’t be the reason your DF misses out on happiness again. But I think it would be wise to sort out all the financials before they marry.
I think what made it worse was that step mother was a close friend of my mum. DM had supported her and shown her great kindness and generosity only for her to completely shit on us , even before DF died.

Just to be clear she didn’t shit on us financially but by trying to cause problems between the siblings. My youngest sister was totally taken in by her and it has taken years for us to rebuild our relationship as a result.

Yes, it's grief. They're young and have had their world turned on it's head after losing their mum. That was their family unit, you have a separate one that you can lean on. I think it will settle on it's own. As happy as she makes your dad, it must be hard for them thinking their mum is being replaced. Maybe you could chat to your dad about it.

if I was your dad and I read this
i would write a new will and leave everything to charity
he was living off ready meals before he met her? Not one of you could be arsed to invite him for dinner once a week or spend any time with him?
If my children behaved like that the donkey sanctuary would definitely be getting my half a million

@EmilyBolton you have perfectly described how my BIL has been since DSIS passed away. It is like he had erased her out of his life completely.

I don't expect him to mourn her forever. But I also don't expect him to remove every picture of DN mother from their home either.

My Dad remarried five years after my Mum died, they were older than your Dad and his gf, but it was similar in that she hadn't had children due to her first husband's poor health. I was delighted for them, but I was similar to you in that I was older and already had my own children. I can see that it might be harder if I'd been younger.

It sounds as if your prospective step-Mum is being very open and sensible about any future money issues, as she's encouraging your Dad to speak to a solicitor and see what the options are. Quite frankly, you and your siblings may end up doing very well financially, as you may benefit from both your Dad's AND her estates, she's got her own assets after all.

Your Dad deserves happiness, he's got decades in front of him, and it sounds as if this lady is the right partner for him.

Could he not transfer it all over to you as a group of trustees etc, so that when or if the marriage fails, then the goods so to speak are secure ?

I'm happy to be blunt. Your siblings sound like selfish, entitled arseholes. Fucking hell, apparently they would be much happier if your father were alone and miserable for the next 40-50 years for their benefit.

I'm a young widow and would love to meet someone again and be happy. Your dad deserves it op

OP from everything you write and all the details you've told us, you know that the problem is not your dad remarrying a perfectly nice woman but your siblings' attitudes.

In terms of what you yourself can do... well, not a lot. You want to smooth things over but you should really let go of this need to be peacemaker. Your dad remarrying is not a problem for you, so you don't need to take on your siblings' resentment on their behalf. You can't change your siblings' attitudes if they're going to dig their heels in.

You could probably read them the riot act once about being entitled assholes who should get over themselves and be happy for their dad. But after that... it's not your problem. All you can do is focus on your own good relationship with your dad and his new wife, and stay out of whatever tantrums your siblings choose to throw. Don't put yourself out to fix something that isn't your problem.

Aw I'm really happy for your dad and I hope your siblings will be too.
Maybe talk to them all and point out how happy he is and deserves to be

This is my thoughts. I’m presuming that your dad and his partner aren’t planning on having children together due to their ages?

Great that your father’s had success in relatively early life, but this is partly because it sounds like your mum has held the fort at home within the children. If this is the case, this has been a massive contribution to your dad’s success.

Your dad’s partner sounds like she has her head screwed on and recognises the concerns, she makes a very valid point about legal advice.

I have what I know is a very niche view on this and really think that people in your dad and his partner’s situation shouldn’t marry, to protect their own children (no matter their age) This is from a purely practical viewpoint.

I think a lot on MN who shout about not being entitled to an inheritance don’t really believe that, but say it to sound a bit right on, because they think that’s what they should say rather than what they believe.

I'm sorry OP this sounds very difficult.
However I don't like these PP calling your siblings grabby and telling them they need to grow up. They are still young, adults maybe but missing their mother's role in still formative years of their lives.
This is not the same as children of divorced parents not wanting them to move on.
It's not really about money either as you've said that can be easily fixed.
I think the best you can do is model the behaviour you'd like from them, welcome her and the idea because it makes your dad happy. 50 is really quite young and it will make his life so much more fulfilling to have a companion to share things with. (Also it will allow you all to get on with your lives happily knowing he is content and not alone.)

Reassure your siblings that no one can ever take your wonderful mum's place, and as they actually like this woman they are not being disloyal in accepting your dad moving on. Remember to keep spending time just with your dad, just because he's part of a couple does not mean he can't continue to have an independent relationship with you all, that must have been so important for you in recent years.

I understand why it might be hard to see but ultimately there is no good reason to object to this and your siblings would be very selfish to do so.

Just a side issue but you don't need to wait until you're married to make a new will. We did ours before our wedding but it was stated as being 'in anticipation of marriage'. This was to protect me in the event of DH dying before the wedding as the house was in his sole name.
If it's still possible to do this, it might help to reassure your siblings that everyones intentions are honourable.