Dad wants to remarrry and its causing anxiety amongst my siblings

[orangeyorkie]

My mother sadly passed away from cancer at the age of 48 five years ago. My Dad (who was then 45) and us kids (there are 5 of us) were devestated. However we are all pretty young, I'm the eldest and have 2 kids of my own now and my youngest sister who was 16 when my mum died is now left home and at university.

Dad was greiving and pretty focused on us for the first couple of years after mum died and never dated as far as any of us know. I knew Dad was lonely and so at the start of 2020 I started suggesting Dad get himself on the dating apps and meet some people but he shyed away from that and then covid hit anyway. Then during the summer of 2020 Dad started seeing a woman he met when he was out dog walking, they kept bumping into each other and chatting initially Dad thought she was way too young for him but when he found out she was 42 ( he was 48 then) he asked her out and they have been together ever since. She is widowed herself and she's a really lovely person.

There have been some issues with some of my siblings, she does look very young for her age, I thought she was not far off my age (28) when I first met her and the one thing we all asked dad to do was not to go chasing someone our age, which he hasn't but the perception is the same and sometimes for some of my siblings thats uncomfortable. There is also the issue that Dad is really, really happy and loved up with her. Now I know that they are still in the new phase of the relationship but I do think that on some fundamental level they are better suited than he and my mum were and that hurts to see sometimes.

Dad was 3 years younger when he met our mum. He fancied her like mad and pursued her even though she had a boyfriend for months eventually after she broke up with the other guy she went out with my Dad and I think my Mum must have fallen pregnant with me about 2 weeks later. They got married and had another 4 children together. I've wondered many times if Mum and Dad would have been together if they hadn't had me and to be honest I don't think they would have. Dad was just a boy really when they got together and Mum was pretty and a lovely person but her main focus was always just on her kids and I think Dad often felt lonely and lacked connection in the marriage. They cared for each other and they had this shared project in the 5 of us but outside that they had pretty seperate lives. With his girlfriend that is something and someone just for him.

Now Dad wants to remarry in the next year or so to her and that is causing some conflict with my siblings even though we all agree that she's really nice and has given Dad a new lease of life. Dad has money due to a very successful early career and he could have ended up with someone really awful just after his cash but this woman who never had her own family due to her late husbands poor health has her own career and money. I do understand how they feel and sometimes it is difficult to see him so loved up or to have my kids form a bond with her and love her when it should have been my mum but those feelings do pass quickly and I know the are about my grief then anything she has done and you know she's done things she didn't need to helped with childcare when she didn't need to .

There is also the issue of Dads money when they do get married, he's worth a lot and some siblings have complained that if they marry she could inherit the lot as he is older than her. Dad's girlfriend has suggested that Dad sees a lawyer to sort out how his kids will inherit prior to them marrying to allay any fears that she is trying to grab his money. I personally don't think that is the case, I expect my Dad will probably still keep her to some extent especially as he is now semi retired and wants someone to spend time with and travel with.

I think the real reason for the intermittent animosity towards her from some of my siblings is more that they are still struggling with losing Mum and it feels like this woman is trying to take her place and in some respects overtaking her place in Dads affections. I ultimately want Dad to be happy he's only 50 and could have decades of life left I hope so why shouldn't he have someone?

I'm not sure what my question is really, just wondering if this is a familer situation to anyone and how to smooth things over?

What do your siblings want? For your dad to be alone and in mourning for the rest of his life, then leave all his money to them? It makes no sense. They need to grow up.

Thanks everyone for replying there are so many different points of view here some that do seem quite hostile to the remarriage and others that are hostile to my siblings.

My Dad hasn't taken down all the pictures of my Mum, the only one he's moved is the one from his bedside table as I assume thats a bit awkward if he's sharing the bed with his new partner. As she is a widow herself (and I think her marriage was a good one) she understands that Dad had a whole life with my Mum before he met her.

Mum didn't earn any of the money that was all dad but it was Dad who wanted a big family and mum did most of the work there and she looked after Dad everyday taking care of everything else so he could just focus on his work. There was never any issue with money between them, dad saw the money as theirs not just his.

I feel like the money is a bit of a red herring because there is plenty of it for everyones needs. Dad sees money as something for security, a bit of comfort and travel but he's not flash and his new girlfriend is low key as well so while i hope they enjoy the money I also think there will be plenty left over and that it's a bit pointless to worry about.

Someone asked why we didn't have him for dinner and we did of course and we would come to him and cook but if he was home alone he'd do a ready meal for himself. Another side of this is that if Dad is alone then we would all be worrying about him and having to check in on him all the time whereas if he has a new partner or wife then we know that someone is with him if something goes wrong or just to keep him company. Dad is a bit of a loner in many ways, introverted and he is the kind of guy who really needs a partner around so he doesn't get too isolated. I think it was always inevitable he'd remarry and as it is I feel we have lucked out.

I think I will speak to them or at least to the youngest three who are the most anxious about things.

I never understand why people opt to marry again in these scenarios; why would you? 🤨

@Horsemad I think its because Dad is a catholic (as is this woman) he believes in marriage and its important to him.

Some people want to get married, because marriage is important to them. That was the case with my Dad and step-Mum.

A well-drafted will ensures that assets are left to whomever the deceased wishes. That’s what my Dad and step-Mum have done and we all know their wishes. Life interest in a property, for example, can ensure that the widowed spouse can stay in a property as long as they wish. I’m These things aren’t particularly complicated, a solicitor will know how to advise them.

Just make sure your Dad does consult a solicitor and doesn’t try to draw up his will himself. It has to be written correctly when the situation is slightly complicated. I know someone whose Dad wrote his own will and it’s created an expensive legal mess as he didn’t word his wishes correctly.

Your siblings sound selfish and entitled.

I couldn't imagine what it would be like to widowed in my mid forties.

How lovely is it he's met a nice woman who seems good for him and he's pursuing happiness after such a sad loss.

You siblings should be ashamed of their behaviour;your dads only 50 and their already looking towards his death and his money.

Realistically if your dad could easily live another 30+ years;my FiL is 81 and fit as a fiddle and very active.

By the time your dad passes away as an elderly man (hopefully) your siblings should be financially stable.

Good God. How dare your siblings try and stand in the way of your Dad's happiness.

My Dad remarried in similar (in fact, almost identical) circumstances. None of us would have dreamed of even anything about how we felt.

We faked it until we made it and years on, I am so pleased nobody caused my father any more heartache by even suggesting we felt uncomfortable.

Your grabby siblings 😔

I feel for your Dad so much. What a bunch of spoilt, entitled children he has. He was widowed so young, and has been given another chance. Its his life, let him live it! Why shouldn't be be out enjoying himself? Should he spend the rest of his days dressed in black, shuffling around his house alone? Fucks sake, let him have the love and happiness he deserves and tell your siblings to fuck off and grow up.

If your siblings continue to make your dads partner feel like an interloper, they risk your dad distancing himself from them.

Or if the DP decides the family disharmony is more trouble than it's worth, then she might leave. And then your DAd might meet someone less accommodating to interfering DC.

I can't see a single thing that dad, his partner or you are doing 'wrong' or disrespectful to your Mum. Your siblings however appear to be putting money before their fathers happiness. Which is shameful

I think its often difficult for grown up DC ,to accept a Relationship between their parent and someone new TBH.Not any of us like to think about DP having Sex together let alone with new people! He is their Dad and now hes getting it on with a new lady .She seems nice and to want the best for all of you .Hes only 50 not 80! Go with the idea of sorting out the cash with a Lawyer, and they should feel happier .He has every right to travel with his new lady friend .I dont think of it as "keeping" her as travelling with someone you love adds another dimension to a holiday ,not as much fun travelling on your ownsome!

I do think your dad having you so young has maybe affected how you see him. It sounds like you see him as old and a grandad. He’s only 48 she’s 42. I wouldn’t assume no more children, lots of couples in their 40s have young children.
He can discuss Will with his solicitor but I’d work on basis he’ll have a happy 30 year marriage with her. Your siblings just need to accept it.

I think it's lovely that your dad has found someone who he wants to share his remaining years with. It doesn't mean that he loved your mum any less by doing so.
As to the money situation his new partner seems sensitive to the issues your siblings are worried about as she's suggested a solicitor. Equally she may have similar worries about the money she will bring into the marriage ending up with them should she die before your dad
I know there are those on here who say that your dads money is his to do what he wants with and in theory I don't disagree. In practice though I think it would be wise for there to be grown up discussion about the financial implications of the marriage so everyone has some idea where they stand. Coming from a family where there is no judgement about sensitive issue like this being openly discussed I hate the thought of conversations such as these going on behind peoples backs.

Sorry for the loss of your Mum, very hard when she died so young.

It’s bound to be complex. And the mix between ‘lovely to see Dad happy’ and ‘who is this woman stepping on Mum’s patch’ is very likely to be affected by the age and circumstances of each sibling when she died. Who was at home watching her struggle and ill, who still needed their Mum, etc. My youngest sister has been far more affected by the death of our Mum because she was more recently living at home as the youngest child. For example.

I also don’t think it especially ‘grabby’ to think about inheritance. For a start the house etc was jointly your Mum’s. And so many men don’t plan ahead for the realities of them (often) marrying a 2nd wife who is younger, who then inherits, may well take it into another marriage, and leaves her step children out of her Will.

I have seen this happen to 3 of my friends. Though admittedly when the woman had her own children and prioritised them.

Someone will end up with whatever assets he leaves, why is it ‘grabby’ to think better a man’s own children than his step kids or his wife’s subsequent husband?

Anyway. I think where possible, keep her close. For your Dad’s sake, for the next 35 years of family get togethers, family ties, for your Dad’s grandchildren. Appreciate that however happy she makes your Dad and however lovely she is in herself, she will never be your Mum or replace your Mum.

Talk to your siblings and acknowledge this?

Also, maybe let your mind wander. Had your Dad been the one to be lost so early and tragically, you would have been equally glad to see her find someone to alleviate the loneliness and hurt.

Let time do it’s thing.

Do they have to get married? Why can't they just live together? I might have another relationship but I'll never get married again. I want to leave everything to DS not a husband.

And that's your choice. You are as entitled to make that choice as OPs dad is to choose to marry. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really feel for your siblings OP. My widowed father has started a new relationship and it has knocked me for six. Definately a second bereavement, ruminating over regrets and what ifs for my mum.

It's easier to talk about money than real fears and vulnerabilities. The money is just a proxy for hurt and anxiety. Talking about money, wills, trusts etc is a way for the siblings to feel heard. Such a discussion could also open the way to air other fears.

Maybe this new relationship is easier because your dad and the woman don't have five babies to deal with. I haven't met my father's intended. I don't want to. My parents marriage was difficult and it is going to be really tough to see him coo-ing over this woman.

It is not uncommon for men to ditch, or at least downgrade, children from a previous relationship when they get a new partner. I hope this won't happen here, but their concerns are valid.

Part of the issue is that it’s hard for children to see their parents not just “their parents” but as individuals with their own hopes and needs. Even as adults it can be hard!

But, if I think about it logically, I can completely see why someone widowed at 45 would like to have a new partner, instead of being alone. My Dad found it very hard in his 60’s when my Mum died, she was his best friend as well as his life partner. I was able to be happy for him when he met my step-Mum (also widowed), because I realized that he was looking for something similar, IYSWIM.

• not just as

@PeaceLillyWhiteFlower So would you say you would find it especially painful to see your father in romantic love with another woman when you don't feel your parents had that sort of love?

I do think that 5 kids where a lot for them but as I say if not for me I'm not sure they would have stayed together. My dad really wanted a son they kept trying 4th was a son, they they tried for one more son and got another girl! Just to be clear my dad loves us all and is a great dad but was also keen to have sons, I think they may have tried again if not for mums health.

Your dad sounds very lucky. You are bound to have mixed emotions. I would say that’s perfectly normal.

@orangeyorkie I have been knocked sideways by all the old fears and resentments that my father's repartnering has brought up. Yes, I'm coming to conclusion that the state of the first marriage has bearing on how one feels about a subsequent relationship.

Doing the maths, my parents would have had me at the same age as yours, but I'm much older than you. It wasn't exactly a shot gun wedding, but I was the glue that held them together from an early age. My mum was lucky to produce a son the second time round, or like yours she would have had to keep churning out babies.

I have my own family and still find it very hard. Have gone into survival mode. Your siblings are young. As the first born you have a special place. And probably your DB as the son. Do your younger sisters feel superfluous?

I don't know whether ruminating and going over old wounds helps. I really want to get out of my rut. Trying to keep a gratitude diary. Remind your siblings that they have each other and their whole lives ahead of them. Give them some patience and kindness.

Good that you feel fine about it all. That's a start.

One thing that stands out from your post op is your kind, caring and understanding nature. You see the good points in your dad's new partner, appreciate her and the happiness it brings him. I am sure he will make sure everyone is provided for. This may resolve matters amongst your siblings to a degree, although they are still grieving.

I can fully understand that you feel that whilst she is not taking your mum's place, you see her doing the things your late dm should have done and enjoyed should she have lived. It must make you sad. Your dad, your late mum and his new partner are lucky they have you.

Another one for the donkey sanctuary.
I've just got remarried at 48 to someone who is absolutely my other half. My DC can see just how happy we make each other and that is what is most important.
Your dad could be around for another 40 yrs and, even if he doesn't remarry, blow all his money in whatever way he chooses.
With your dear mum passing away at a young age, you would think your siblings would understand how very short life is and happiness should be grabbed with both hands

Forgot to add, she sounds like she is a good egg by wanting to get all the financial stuff sorted before any marriage

@orangeyorkie

You not wanting him to re-marry is incredible selfish. He's young and able to enjoy and spend the money he made. He's already helped all of you a lot.

If I were your parent and knew you that you're opposing the wedding due to inheritance, I'd rather donate it than to leave to DC and make them even more entitled. You are choosing money over his happiness.