Dad wants to remarrry and its causing anxiety amongst my siblings

[orangeyorkie]

My mother sadly passed away from cancer at the age of 48 five years ago. My Dad (who was then 45) and us kids (there are 5 of us) were devestated. However we are all pretty young, I'm the eldest and have 2 kids of my own now and my youngest sister who was 16 when my mum died is now left home and at university.

Dad was greiving and pretty focused on us for the first couple of years after mum died and never dated as far as any of us know. I knew Dad was lonely and so at the start of 2020 I started suggesting Dad get himself on the dating apps and meet some people but he shyed away from that and then covid hit anyway. Then during the summer of 2020 Dad started seeing a woman he met when he was out dog walking, they kept bumping into each other and chatting initially Dad thought she was way too young for him but when he found out she was 42 ( he was 48 then) he asked her out and they have been together ever since. She is widowed herself and she's a really lovely person.

There have been some issues with some of my siblings, she does look very young for her age, I thought she was not far off my age (28) when I first met her and the one thing we all asked dad to do was not to go chasing someone our age, which he hasn't but the perception is the same and sometimes for some of my siblings thats uncomfortable. There is also the issue that Dad is really, really happy and loved up with her. Now I know that they are still in the new phase of the relationship but I do think that on some fundamental level they are better suited than he and my mum were and that hurts to see sometimes.

Dad was 3 years younger when he met our mum. He fancied her like mad and pursued her even though she had a boyfriend for months eventually after she broke up with the other guy she went out with my Dad and I think my Mum must have fallen pregnant with me about 2 weeks later. They got married and had another 4 children together. I've wondered many times if Mum and Dad would have been together if they hadn't had me and to be honest I don't think they would have. Dad was just a boy really when they got together and Mum was pretty and a lovely person but her main focus was always just on her kids and I think Dad often felt lonely and lacked connection in the marriage. They cared for each other and they had this shared project in the 5 of us but outside that they had pretty seperate lives. With his girlfriend that is something and someone just for him.

Now Dad wants to remarry in the next year or so to her and that is causing some conflict with my siblings even though we all agree that she's really nice and has given Dad a new lease of life. Dad has money due to a very successful early career and he could have ended up with someone really awful just after his cash but this woman who never had her own family due to her late husbands poor health has her own career and money. I do understand how they feel and sometimes it is difficult to see him so loved up or to have my kids form a bond with her and love her when it should have been my mum but those feelings do pass quickly and I know the are about my grief then anything she has done and you know she's done things she didn't need to helped with childcare when she didn't need to .

There is also the issue of Dads money when they do get married, he's worth a lot and some siblings have complained that if they marry she could inherit the lot as he is older than her. Dad's girlfriend has suggested that Dad sees a lawyer to sort out how his kids will inherit prior to them marrying to allay any fears that she is trying to grab his money. I personally don't think that is the case, I expect my Dad will probably still keep her to some extent especially as he is now semi retired and wants someone to spend time with and travel with.

I think the real reason for the intermittent animosity towards her from some of my siblings is more that they are still struggling with losing Mum and it feels like this woman is trying to take her place and in some respects overtaking her place in Dads affections. I ultimately want Dad to be happy he's only 50 and could have decades of life left I hope so why shouldn't he have someone?

I'm not sure what my question is really, just wondering if this is a familer situation to anyone and how to smooth things over?

If they get married today and live until their 80s they will have been married a lot longer than he was married to your mum. And wealth could well have been generated in the 20 or so years they will have worked while together. By that stage why should the children get a share over her rights?

Hang on, he''s 50? That's younger than me! I cannot imagine being in my dotage and not being allowed a relationship at this age, I'm still young 😀

There's no point him writing a will at this time, as it will be negated by any subsequent marriage. He could write a will after the wedding to leave some to his new wife and some to his children. If the marriage lasts ten years or more, he could then write a new will that leaves more to his not-so-new wife ....

Personally I think his children are grabby and if I were him, I'd either leave it all to this lady or to the local dogs' home.

It sounds like he's met someone who is making him very happy whilst respecting the fact that he was married before and has adult children. I agree that he should seek legal/financial advice for his money and inheritances to make sure what he wants to happen will happen. Your sibilings are finding excuses to stop them from marrying, that's their issues to deal with and they should stay out of it. If he wants all his money to go to his partner if he dies first that's up to him! Assuming at 50 he is competent to give consent and make his own decisions, no one else should have any say in it unless he asks.

And her age and looks have nothing to do with anything.

Key points for me as someone almost his age are:
-he’s only 50, he should be expecting to live say another 30 years (so siblings being very grabby there and mean wanting him to live another 30 years alone)
-any will won’t be valid following his new marriage, he’d have to do a new Will after his marriage
-even if she was in her 30s, it’s no one’s business, age gaps are not uncommon
-everyone will get used to it
-your parents had you all really young, so in a way you’re lucky to have your own lives taking off rather than being still at home, many 50 year old have primary age kids which would have been really hard on you all and your dad and would be more understandable that your siblings were acting out if you were teenagers rather than adults.

I don't know how to put this as I don't want to offend you, but this woman sounds absolutely perfect for him and I cannot for the life of me understand you or your siblings having an issue with this situation.. I sort of get worrying about inheritance or whatever, but what your dad decides to do with his money is entirely up to him..

I lost my stepdad (he was in my life since I was 2, he was practically my dad) a couple of years back and if my mum met someone I'd be over the bloody moon for her! If he was nice, obviously!

Well if they are so grabby the smart thing to do is to support the relationship and be nice. Great your dad is happy. And if she has no children of her own and you become her family who do you think she’ll leave her estate to? Most childfree step parents leave their estate to their adult step children ime as long as the step children are decent.

I can understand where the siblings are coming from, having been in a similar situation, but with the big difference in that herself is a class A manipulative cow.

It hurts to think that he could drop dead at the reception, and madam walks away with everything your parents worked years for.

It sucks OP.

He sounds like he's found a really nice lady with relatively little baggage. From what you've written I think they should go for it.

Do you you think your mum's death was harder on your siblings - was it sudden or a long illness? They could still be trying to get over that, it does take a while.

Wills can be written with blended families in mind. Your dad does definitely need to see a solicitor and be advised by professionals

I just want to tell you about 3 separate friends who went through similar scenarios. Their mums died, their fathers remarried. Their fathers died stipulating in their will that their DC got some money and the house / assets but whilst their 2nd wife was alive, she got to keep the house and virtually all the contents and money. The wives went on to live a few more decades. Wives then died, DC got all the assets / house / money. As the 2nd wives had lived so much longer, the DC only had the sum of money for a year or so before they started suffering from illness and then dying. It was so sad, they essentially never benefitted from their father's earnings

So basically the issue is over inheritance, which I guessed before even opening the thread. The stuff about her 'looking younger' being a problem is nonsense, she is only 5 years younger than him and widowed herself.

I totally understand where you are coming from OP.

My sister passed away in her 30s. BiL is about to remarry and while I am happy for him, it is also hard to see. Hand on heart, I don't think DSIS and BIL were happy in their relationship prior to her death. Which is hard to deal with/accept, that her short life was wasted in an unhappy relationship. Its hard to see BIL happy now and know that is is only because DSIS died that he is in this happy relationship.

In my situation it is hard because DSIS was the main wage earner and BIL hadn't been working for a few years before DSIS passed away. He is living in a house mortgage free because of my DSIS. Which he has now moved his new partner into and she has also been able to financially benefit through this by selling her house. I wouldn't wish BIL and DN to suffer or be homeless. But he and his new partner have financially benefited from DSIS death. Which doesn't sit comfortably with me. I go to their house now and there is no trace of my DSIS at all. It's like someone else's house now.

I don't know the answer. I don't wish anyone any ill will or malice and I've never said any of this outloud. But I do feel sad to see the life my DSIS didn't get to have.

Essentially, your dad needs to see a good solicitor, particularly if he is high net worth and he wants his DC to benefit from his death.

A previous poster is correct, he needs to get a will after they are married

Personally, I'm voting for the donkey sanctuary. Between the grabby kids and the judgemental attitudes, the donkeys seem a great choice.

It sounds like she (and you!) Cares for him and wants him and his grabby children to be happy. The other siblings (not you!) Clearly don't give a shit about his happiness and just want his cash. Theyre being childish and selfish. I feel incredibly sorry for them losing a parent that young, but life moves on. They need to remember that your mum probably wouldn't have wanted your dad to be miserable and alone for the rest of his life.

I was widowed recently and DH's will was written before we married so wasn't worth the paper it was written on so any existing will of your dad's will be rendered worthless by any marriage that takes place.

I wish your dad every happiness and I hope your siblings grow up and get on side with his happiness.

I think you are right about it raking up their grief over your Mum. As for finances, easily sorted with discretionary trusts. Also look up inheritance tax and Nil Rate band. Say they buy somewhere as tenants in common, her family get her share, yours gets his. The trust aspect allows things like ‘survivor can live there until they die then it reverts to families in the appropriate shares’.

@Pipsquiggle Yes I think this would be best, I think it would just put everyones mind at rest. I also honeslty think that there is more than enough money to go round. My Dad isn't huge on endless random handouts but he did put us all through private school, uni if we attended, helped us with money for houses or flats and he's paying my eldests school fees. Sometimes I think some of the younger ones don't realise how privilaged they have been in life already.

Yep, it sounds like everyone (including this new partner) would be reassured if he takes to a solicitor about the future.

I'm a widow, and still consider that half of what I have is my husband's, for me to use thoughtfully and with a view to what he'd have wanted to do to help our daughters.

With that in mind, I'd not remarry, and I'd ring fence half of my worth at the very last for my kids, should I have a new and long term relationship.

@Blowthemandown I think it is grief mostly and maybe some lack of maturity in some cases. I don't think its any real greed or bitterness.

@saraclara I think them not marrying would perhaps be ideal but they are both practicing catholics and being married is very important to Dad especially.

I'm 57, and should something happen to my DH, I would absolutely not remarry.

We've both worked for 40 years and whatever we have is going to our children.

Your siblings sound awful.
Id be so happy if my parent found love again and didn’t spend their days lonely and depressed.

I would hope they both put things in place to protect their assets.

Maybe you could ask to speak to him in private and tell him that she seems like a really great match and kind and you really like her and approve, but you feel kinda awkward to say it, but is there any way he could put some protection to ringfence at least your mothers part of any inheritence.

Talking about money is awkward but sometimes has to be done

This is absolutely, absolutely outrageous.

Don't harass your poor father. Call a sibling meeting and read them the fucking riot act.

How grotesquely selfish to rather their father be lonely for 30 or 40 years so that they can inherit more money.

My dad is getting remarried and I had similar thoughts about being disinherited but she looks after him he's had health problems and he can be really difficult with the mood swings. I think she deserves some comfort , in my my mind the inheritance is gone if I get anything it will be a bonus. Just have it in your mind she makes him happy and be happy for him.

Your dad was 34 when his grandchild was born?