Mess - come back from holiday & we've split up

[IfIfitsIsits]

Hi

I'm feeling so shit.

My boyfriend of almost 3 years has split up with me. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone in real life. Hoping you can talk to me instead.

Starting from the start - as it's crucial - I split up with my ex H 3/4 years ago when I found out he'd been shagging colleagues, clients, prostitutes for 8 of the10 years of our marriage. I was utterly broken, of course. I had no idea what he'd been doing and thought we were really happily married and had 3 v young DC (then 4, 6 & 8).

I suffered trauma and think I have ptsd due to the whole thing.

I take prozac to help my anxiety & self doubt/loathing.

I'm 43 now. Whilst I know objectively, I still look great for my age and know that I am slim and pretty (sorry - not being big-headed but it's true), I do take things out on myself and convince myself (quietly) that I'm shit and unattractive. Why would my ex have done all that if I wasn't?

I found a man on OLD. We'd been together for almost 3 years. During that time, I had a long, protracted divorce and obviously lockdown.

My ex throughout tried to keep me but I knew I simply couldn't. It's been very hard. He tried his best to convince me that he was a drunk and had a sex addiction. I was so, so shocked, I took therapy to try & work out where I was. Ultimately, I knew we had to split as I just couldn't look at him in the same way. He was the love of my life and it completely broke me. As I said, PTSD ensued.

I met this new guy about 9 mths later. Probably way too soon but I really liked him. He was fun and helped take the awful feeling away. I didn't introduce him to my 3 DC fora good year at least and didn't mention him to them. I saw him when the kids were at their dad's.

It's been a volatile relationship. In the sense that I suffer badly from anxiety. I don't cope well with challenging circumstances anymore. I have panic attacks (only mild) and if I drink (which I do often to try to numb the pain) then my insecurities reach the surface.

We've had a good relationship. I fancy him like he'll and he's such fun to be with.

If I was unaffected by what happened in my marriage, I dare say there'd benp issues. But it's hard to create a 'sliding doors' situation and who really knows? I am where I am.

Ive been super loving, kind, fun with him.

But there have been moments when I've become really anxious about one thing or another and the (I think - self diagnosis) the ptsd kicks in and i cant think straight - everything turns to shit and I'm a babbling mess. (I started taking prozac 3 months ago to address this & it seemed to be working)

He was against this,telling me it was just a plaster and wouldn't solve my troubles. I was annoyed at him for this because I knew I just needed a fucking break from the pain & the bad habits I'd got myself into to cope (drinking/smoking).

He lives about 50 mins away from me. I don't see him much more than every fortnight when I am kid free.

We've had so many bust ups, you wouldn't believe. Most of them have come from him being non committal. We've told each other that we love one another. We don't speak much about the future.

He's told me v straight that he won't move in with me ever (I have a 6 bedroom house). He needs his own space to be him & happy.

I've accepted that and thought - fine - the kids dont need a stepdad. We're fine by ourselves.

But I would really like company. It feels like I'm into 20s again, watching shit on TV without a partner to love and care for - a partnership. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen and be better. I feel weak for wanting that but I know that from previous relationships, I thrive from the togetherness & deep, committed love that comes from that.

Anyway, this week abroad was lovely. So, so nice. He was really loving and made me feel so good and wanted & special.

The first night though, I got dressed up, wore a lovely dress - looked the best I could possibly look. Nothing. No word that ilooked nice. Nothing.

I felt like shit. Really awful and that he must have thought I looked crap.(He's never been one for saying I look great when I'm ready for a night out but sometimes he does so i must look better those days??

This kind of matters because he's really quick with telling me I look crap. Out of nowhere a few weeks ago, he told me that my prescription glasses (which I barely wear due to contact lenses) 'really don't suit you'.

A while ago, I wore some plain white trainers from m&s and they were 'shit' and 'embarrassing'.

Every room in my house has something wrong with it that he's criticised.

The way I parent, apparently is wrong.

My car (ancient) is 'shit'.

My (fairly amicable) relationship with my ex isn't right.

My decision making per se is fucked up.

I've got a million more derogatory statements from him. Tbh, writing this out, I hadn't realised how bad it was.

The last night of our hol (2 nights ago) was my breaking point. There had been a few instances recently where I knew I needed to kick off, eg I came to his house on a Friday night and brought stuff to cook for us (I'm a chef) Didn't speak to me once -played some silly thing on his phone until I'd finished.

I didn't kick off because I wanted desperately fortis to work.

I thought it was the prozac doing its job that I didn't.
L
This time,though, away on holiday, I went for it and told him that I needed more.

He didn't address my anxiety. Told me I was ridiculously drunk (I'd had 2 glasses of wine) and that I was a totalf fuck up that would never change.

We went on to dinner. I stayed quiet as I didn't want to argue. I got upset and had tears in my eyes. He looked at me, caught my attention and said 'Xxxx, you are fucking pathetic.'

I was anabolute state. We went home to the hotel. I was a mess then next day. Crying, vomiting(I think ptsd). Then we flew home. All in, around 6-8 hours of not speaking. I had a few mild panic attacks during it it. We had to stop the car he drove me home with fo rme to vomit.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for now.

Sorry this is so long.

I need to pick up the kids from school soon.

It's done me good to write it all out.

(I've not checked this - there could be all sorts of errors . )

Xxxx

He is not a decent man. He's cruel to you.
He is abusive.

You've had a lucky escape from an absolute asshole (at the very least - he sounds like he's likely been inflicting psychological damage on you intentionally).

It's not you, it's him. He is not worth the hassle and anxiety he is putting you through. You want different things & he is treating you so badly.

Just feel relieved that this is over & find something better.

He sounds absolutely horrible.

This is not the right man for you.

you need to take some time for you and to work on you. And then counselling when you are ready

He sounds like a wanker.

Well, he's an abusive a*hole and you are best rid. Dont look back, hes not worth it.

I think you probably need to do some work on yourself, counselling, hobbies and get to like yourself again so that you don't get sucked in and broken down by people like him.

He’s abusive. Seriously why do you want a relationship with a man who treats you like this?

take time out of relationships and build up your own self esteem. Do the freedom programme.

as a rule of thumb any bloke who is quick to criticise you isn’t really worth your time.

He's seen you coming pet. 🙁

Please get rid of him. Look after yourself. Heal. See friends. Join women's groups on Facebook. Get out and be yourself.

He is very bad news.

Not replying to anyone in particular.

It's so hard as I'm doing this alone with the kids constantly. It's exhausting and would turn any sane person insane. I've no family to help. It's just me.

I'm an absolute fuck up so it makes sense to me when he tells me that i am.

I just want security & love & kindness.

The way that he speaks to me - I just can't tell you. It makes want to jump off a cliff.

I have 3 lovely children and i never would. Nothing would get me right at that point.

I just find it hard to see that I could be loveable after this.

He has made me feel like I'm impossible, unlovable, a quiet mess and a massive fuck up, unworthy of any love, fancying, nothing x

He's a wanker.
No-one who is half decent goes round telling you you and your stuff is shit/pathetic etc

Get rid, don't look back.

But do promise yourself no more OLD until you have had a chance to properly get your head straight.
ONe thing that strucl me from your OP was that you went through this horrible messy divorce, but that you were OLD 9 months after your ex left, when you were still working out what was going on.

You need time, and nice people around to support you, not jerks like him!

Well he sounds like an utter c@nt. Honestly you are so clearly best off out of it. Horrible, horrible man.

For your own self worth, just never have any contact with him ever again. Block him and move on.

You don’t need that in your life. He will be making your mental health issues worse. And nobody gets to tell you what medication you can take other than your GP.

Focus on you. Well done for getting rid of your ex. Get rid of this shit too. And have a good life.

Take it from me, watching TV alone at night is far better than being downtrodden and abused by some prick. And if you focus on your now and bin him off, you open the space for a healthy relationship somewhere down the line.

He has made me feel like I'm impossible, unlovable, a quiet mess and a massive fuck up, unworthy of any love, fancying, nothing x

read that back HE made you feel this. It isn't true, but he made you feel this way when you were together. That is hardly a good relationship is it?

And, let's be honest, maybe right now you are bit of a mess. We all are when life slaps us round the face, you need to give yourself time to get straight, and get some kind of life going for yourself, get a rhythm and routine going with family and kids, and get some stable space, before you look to anyone else

you sound lovely. He sounds like a nasty bastard who has done an absolute job on you. Bin him off and as pp said; get counselling.

Also, even if you are right about you being a bit of a mess, put the shoe on the other foot. If you were in a relationship with somebody who had mental health issues that made them insecure and anxious, how would you treat them? Not like he treats you, right? You wouldn’t make it worse. You would try and build them up (whilst having some boundaries to look after yourself). You wouldn’t leave them feeling suicidal because of you. He’s a bad man.

I suspect though that you will find your mental health improves dramatically once he is gone.

So it's pretty clear:

• you're not ready for a relationship


• you need to work on your mental health and your drinking


• you've fallen into the trap of thinking this new guy must be great because he's (slightly) better than your dreadful ex-husband.

It may not seem like it right now but he has done you a favour by breaking up with you.

I'd now suggest you get some proper mental health support. You haven't been diagnosed with PTSD but seem to 'depend' on it quite a lot to explain your reaction to things. Maybe you have got PTSD, maybe you haven't. So start pushing for a diagnosis and a proper treatment plan.

I'd suggest you have a month off from drinking. It clearly isn't helping you at all, and it's a depressant. It will do you the world of good to give a rest.

And then focus on how you can boost your self-esteem. Put this energy you've expended on being 'super loving, kind and fun' to him on yourself - you deserve it more.

I know you don't feel like this, but you are better off with no-one than someone who criticizes you and puts you down and abuses you verbally. His behaviour is appalling. You liked the reassurance of having him like you, but in actuality, he treats you like shit. Sorry, but OP this is good that you have split up. You sound really upset though- can you reach out to a friend, the dr again or access some counselling as you sound like you need a hand to cope with it all. Plus I'm a single parent too and it is HARD so I get why having a relationship is a lovely idea, but the reality of being put down and verbally abused is not worth it.

As you can see from what you have written down - he is a bastard.

You are vulnerable and still healing from your past. He seems to have enjoyed the power to hurt you that this gives him.

Life without him could very quickly become much better.

You are not ready for a relationship yet really. You need to learn to trust your own judgement and not to need validation from others. Keep healing.

You will never be ready for a relationship with a man who enjoys keeping you on a string - getting you distressed (by withholding reassurance or by criticising you) - and by making you feel really unwell.

You need to be single for a while.
You need to clarify whether or not you have PTSD and get the appropriate treatment.
Text him today - it's over.
You are NOT a 'fuck up' - you're bringing up three kids - that's hard.

youve picked a guy that is like your ex.
He is t a nice person. An he will never give you the support and safety you are craving.

Yes it’s hard but splitting up is the best thing that could have happened.

Do you still see your counsellor?

You are catastrophising a bit I think, but entirely understandably.

Just because recent ex's nastiness, piled on top of previous shite ex's betrayal and lies, have made you feel awful and broken at the time - and now - doesn't mean you have to remain broken, not at all.

BUT it does mean you need time and care to get back to your whole strong self. Your big problems are your feeling that you can't cope alone, and the shocking betrayal by ex#1 opening you to the shocking abuse by ex #2.

You need support to work though what your beliefs about yourself are and to learn to uncover healthier, more solid truths about what you can actually do and what you are actually worth, which is a whole lot more than these assholes have offered you

Panic attacks will do that to you (in case you are doubting the physical reactions and the confusion). For a lot of people, they do come from things that you cannot just escape from or fix predictably, like the divorce and, especially, what led up to it. There are many things that will help, but no magic wand or pill that will be an easy cure on your or someone else's (his) timescale.

How exactly was the week abroad 'lovely'? If one of your friends reported that to you, what would you say to them?

It may be really minor, but the critical vocabulary ('shit'...'fucked up'...) is so inarticulate and immature. You sound as if you wanted to communicate and to get stuck in, and he's just shutting you down with grunts. You hoped he would ask better questions - he didn't. You have boundaries and a plan to feel better and the courage to give it a go. They were hard won and you know this. They teach you how to respect yourself which is why it all hurts. I am sorry, but I think that the fall-out is in fact the right track to be going.

He's done you a massive favour, because he's a horrible prick, and you can do so much better. Nobody deserves that kind of abusive shit in their relationship.

You genuinely are not the problem, he is.

I'd take a long period of time out of dating/relationships, adjust to the medication, do some work on the PTSD (I'm so sorry you went through that with your ex) and learn to be on your own for a bit before letting someone else into your space. You may find that you end up with a lot of trauma from this piece of shit ex boyfriend, and that's understandable, but do not let it take you back to where you were.

Hes no better than your ex husband? Dump immediately and work on yourself and taking care of you not some gross pig. You are just allowing this to add to your anxiety and depression, why? What are you gaining? Except feeling shit?

He is awful. Block him and move on.

You need to work on yourself and your alcohol problem before you try and meet anyone else.