Mess - come back from holiday & we've split up

[IfIfitsIsits]

Hi

I'm feeling so shit.

My boyfriend of almost 3 years has split up with me. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone in real life. Hoping you can talk to me instead.

Starting from the start - as it's crucial - I split up with my ex H 3/4 years ago when I found out he'd been shagging colleagues, clients, prostitutes for 8 of the10 years of our marriage. I was utterly broken, of course. I had no idea what he'd been doing and thought we were really happily married and had 3 v young DC (then 4, 6 & 8).

I suffered trauma and think I have ptsd due to the whole thing.

I take prozac to help my anxiety & self doubt/loathing.

I'm 43 now. Whilst I know objectively, I still look great for my age and know that I am slim and pretty (sorry - not being big-headed but it's true), I do take things out on myself and convince myself (quietly) that I'm shit and unattractive. Why would my ex have done all that if I wasn't?

I found a man on OLD. We'd been together for almost 3 years. During that time, I had a long, protracted divorce and obviously lockdown.

My ex throughout tried to keep me but I knew I simply couldn't. It's been very hard. He tried his best to convince me that he was a drunk and had a sex addiction. I was so, so shocked, I took therapy to try & work out where I was. Ultimately, I knew we had to split as I just couldn't look at him in the same way. He was the love of my life and it completely broke me. As I said, PTSD ensued.

I met this new guy about 9 mths later. Probably way too soon but I really liked him. He was fun and helped take the awful feeling away. I didn't introduce him to my 3 DC fora good year at least and didn't mention him to them. I saw him when the kids were at their dad's.

It's been a volatile relationship. In the sense that I suffer badly from anxiety. I don't cope well with challenging circumstances anymore. I have panic attacks (only mild) and if I drink (which I do often to try to numb the pain) then my insecurities reach the surface.

We've had a good relationship. I fancy him like he'll and he's such fun to be with.

If I was unaffected by what happened in my marriage, I dare say there'd benp issues. But it's hard to create a 'sliding doors' situation and who really knows? I am where I am.

Ive been super loving, kind, fun with him.

But there have been moments when I've become really anxious about one thing or another and the (I think - self diagnosis) the ptsd kicks in and i cant think straight - everything turns to shit and I'm a babbling mess. (I started taking prozac 3 months ago to address this & it seemed to be working)

He was against this,telling me it was just a plaster and wouldn't solve my troubles. I was annoyed at him for this because I knew I just needed a fucking break from the pain & the bad habits I'd got myself into to cope (drinking/smoking).

He lives about 50 mins away from me. I don't see him much more than every fortnight when I am kid free.

We've had so many bust ups, you wouldn't believe. Most of them have come from him being non committal. We've told each other that we love one another. We don't speak much about the future.

He's told me v straight that he won't move in with me ever (I have a 6 bedroom house). He needs his own space to be him & happy.

I've accepted that and thought - fine - the kids dont need a stepdad. We're fine by ourselves.

But I would really like company. It feels like I'm into 20s again, watching shit on TV without a partner to love and care for - a partnership. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen and be better. I feel weak for wanting that but I know that from previous relationships, I thrive from the togetherness & deep, committed love that comes from that.

Anyway, this week abroad was lovely. So, so nice. He was really loving and made me feel so good and wanted & special.

The first night though, I got dressed up, wore a lovely dress - looked the best I could possibly look. Nothing. No word that ilooked nice. Nothing.

I felt like shit. Really awful and that he must have thought I looked crap.(He's never been one for saying I look great when I'm ready for a night out but sometimes he does so i must look better those days??

This kind of matters because he's really quick with telling me I look crap. Out of nowhere a few weeks ago, he told me that my prescription glasses (which I barely wear due to contact lenses) 'really don't suit you'.

A while ago, I wore some plain white trainers from m&s and they were 'shit' and 'embarrassing'.

Every room in my house has something wrong with it that he's criticised.

The way I parent, apparently is wrong.

My car (ancient) is 'shit'.

My (fairly amicable) relationship with my ex isn't right.

My decision making per se is fucked up.

I've got a million more derogatory statements from him. Tbh, writing this out, I hadn't realised how bad it was.

The last night of our hol (2 nights ago) was my breaking point. There had been a few instances recently where I knew I needed to kick off, eg I came to his house on a Friday night and brought stuff to cook for us (I'm a chef) Didn't speak to me once -played some silly thing on his phone until I'd finished.

I didn't kick off because I wanted desperately fortis to work.

I thought it was the prozac doing its job that I didn't.
L
This time,though, away on holiday, I went for it and told him that I needed more.

He didn't address my anxiety. Told me I was ridiculously drunk (I'd had 2 glasses of wine) and that I was a totalf fuck up that would never change.

We went on to dinner. I stayed quiet as I didn't want to argue. I got upset and had tears in my eyes. He looked at me, caught my attention and said 'Xxxx, you are fucking pathetic.'

I was anabolute state. We went home to the hotel. I was a mess then next day. Crying, vomiting(I think ptsd). Then we flew home. All in, around 6-8 hours of not speaking. I had a few mild panic attacks during it it. We had to stop the car he drove me home with fo rme to vomit.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for now.

Sorry this is so long.

I need to pick up the kids from school soon.

It's done me good to write it all out.

(I've not checked this - there could be all sorts of errors . )

Xxxx

A bit off topic, but can you negotiate with your ex for a more equal care arrangement with you DCs. Is he only doing every other weekend? You need more support from him.

And on topic, I agree with everyone else - block this person and don't look back. He's ground you down and you deserve soooooo much better.

He is vile, why are you with him ?
I don’t think PTSD is something you can self diagnose by the way. Of course you feel sad and distressed by how your partner behaved but PTSD is a condition of people who have been in or witnessed life threatening and other traumatic situations such as violent assault or sexual abuse. Having a shitty partner is very upsetting but not the same.
I suggest the Freedom Programme as a way of helping you move forward from horrible men.

Thank you all, so, so much xxx

Where were your children when you was on holiday?

Single life isn't great if your trying to date with no family support. It's all so comiplicated even your ex so for 8 years you had no clue who he really was.... go no contact with the new man. Kids are your priority right now.

Hi OP

Please stop telling yourself that you are a fuck-up, as you really aren't. You have just been treated appallingly by your Ex and while you were trying to find a new normal, this horrid guy came along and found you to be an easy target for his spite. There is a lot wrong with him; it's not you.

Please don't ever put up with being treated badly just for the sake of having some guy around and not being lonely. You are worth much more than that, it is just that your self esteem has taken a hammering. Please take the time out to focus on healing and finding what you want in life. Try not to drink since it depresses people and you really don't need that right now. Also it doesn't seem to mix with your medication. Try to have a dry month or two and focus on eating healthily. You need to look after you, so you can look after your kids.

Block him on your phone (no need to tell him it's over) and don't respond if he tries to see you (don't answer the door if he turns up, just tell him to leave and if he doesn't leave, tell him it is harassment and you'll call the police if he doesn't). It is over and it is probably a good thing seeing how ill he was happy to let you be. Don't look back, or wait to hear from him, or let him talk you round, or agree to try again. Just block him.

You can do this. You have survived a lot already and are stronger than you think.

I got through the op, on the fence, until you got to the part where you said hd didn't compliment you and that that mattered because he says so many negative things.... then you started listing them and each thing made me get a more disturbed, wtf expression.

Seriously, why, why, why are you seeing him?

He's really seriously verbally and emotionally abusive!.

Hes the last thing you need after your insane ex.

You've got three lovely children, a six bedroom house, you are slim and attractive.

You've got everything to give and unfortunately this is just a bad man, despite some presumably physically attractive traits, inside he is not very nice at all. It's almost a frying pan - fire situation.

Try your best to move on, one step at a time, slowly learn to love yourself and what you have got before introducing someone else into your defences.

You can do it, time above all else, is a healer.

You hadn't healed or properly processed the hurt from your marriage ending so it's still an open wound. A new relationship felt like a plaster but you've chose an abusive man, who could see your low self esteem. I imagine he was charming and loving at the outset but that will have been a facade.

No relationship can heal hurt - you have to do the work on your own. There are lots of resources online to help. Start today knowing you will heal - focus on processing the emotions.

Don't get into another relationship until your boundaries are stronger. Give yourself praise for dumping this toxic man!

He did you a favour.

It's all on him. Get him out of your life asap and prioritise your own health including getting support for your ptsd

but PTSD is a condition of people who have been in or witnessed life threatening and other traumatic situations such as violent assault or sexual abuse. Having a shitty partner is very upsetting but not the same.

I thought it was common for people who've been cheated on to experience a fork of ptsd.

Especially when its for years, a large number of partners, and involving for example, the sex industry/prostitution.

The person on the receiving end feels like they've been Truman in the Truman show, which fucks their head up.

You are not inna position to say op couldn't have some form of post following the discovery of the true nature of her ex husband and therfore marriage, just because she hasn't been attacked or sexually assaulted.

You kick off regularly because you want more? the fact that he hasn't moved in has done you a huge favour. Scrape together any self respect you have left after listening to this shit from him for three years and concentrate on getting your head straight. Putting him in the bin would be a great start.

You're nowhere near ready for a relationship and the fact that you're trying to force one with this loser illustrates that.

*form.of ptsd

Having a shitty partner is very upsetting but not the same.

You have an interesting perspective on life if you think having been married for years to a cheater and prostitute user is just "having a shitty partner".

Stop looking for outside validation and accept that you have children who love you and you're a good mother.

Then find a counsellor. You've picked two men who were incredibly bad for you. Don't look for any more till your head's straight.

But do get out there and find some female friends who will build you up, not knock you down

You have picked two controlling abusive shits, one after the other. It's a pattern. You seek men to validate you, to praise your looks, tastes, shoes, cooking skills.

Learn from it. Make a list of the ways those men both used to control you. The flattery, the bribes, the put downs and insults and lies. That's your red-flag list .

You don't need that crap. You know your own worth. You have lovely children, a home, a skilled career. You made all that. That's proof of your SUCCESS. Wear your clothes and makeup to please YOURSELF, no need to ingratiate your self for a man's approval.

He’s a nasty piece of work and will have played a huge part in how you feel about yourself. Being slim and pretty will not protect you from abuse or make an abuser decide not to abuse you.

Make sure he stays gone and get into therapy. Talk to the therapist about everything. When they have helped to lead you through your thoughts and feelings, consider a form of trauma therapy like EMDR.

Best of luck to you OP Xx

You obviously have lots of things you need some support to work through.

But take it from someone who knows- self talk matters. You need to be kinder to yourself. Show yourself the same compassion that you’d show someone else. If you find that difficult - imagine you were talking to your daughter: would you say such unkind things to her? Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend, or your daughter. You are deserving of the same love and kindness. That’s a good first step to take.

And absolutely ditch the prick, he’s vile.

He's an abusive arsehole. You need time to heal and to love yourself. Go back to therapy. Xx

You've made it through the shittiest thing. A horrible divorce. Many of us empathise and wish we were out the other end. You are. And you've done brilliantly. Give yourself a break. Ditch this absolute horror. He is not a good person and never will be. You're not an 'absolute fuck up'. You're someone who has made it through. To your children you are EVERYTHING. Remember that. Focus on loving them (natural to you) and loving yourself (you need to improve this bit). You create your own security. You can have a lovely life but it won't be that way til you say adios to the scumbag

Please don’t submit this abusive wanker on your children. They need a positive role model in their life not someone who treats their mum like shit. You don’t need him ….. Dump him. Be strong for them.

He sounds like an absolute dick

I think he possibly had someone else OP and was a complete coward.

Oh you poor love. And good riddance to the bastard.

He is awful to you. No wonder you feel so bad when someone is perpetually getting nasty digs all the time. It is him making you feel this way. You will feel so much better about yourself when he is no longer dragging you down.