Mess - come back from holiday & we've split up

[IfIfitsIsits]

Hi

I'm feeling so shit.

My boyfriend of almost 3 years has split up with me. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone in real life. Hoping you can talk to me instead.

Starting from the start - as it's crucial - I split up with my ex H 3/4 years ago when I found out he'd been shagging colleagues, clients, prostitutes for 8 of the10 years of our marriage. I was utterly broken, of course. I had no idea what he'd been doing and thought we were really happily married and had 3 v young DC (then 4, 6 & 8).

I suffered trauma and think I have ptsd due to the whole thing.

I take prozac to help my anxiety & self doubt/loathing.

I'm 43 now. Whilst I know objectively, I still look great for my age and know that I am slim and pretty (sorry - not being big-headed but it's true), I do take things out on myself and convince myself (quietly) that I'm shit and unattractive. Why would my ex have done all that if I wasn't?

I found a man on OLD. We'd been together for almost 3 years. During that time, I had a long, protracted divorce and obviously lockdown.

My ex throughout tried to keep me but I knew I simply couldn't. It's been very hard. He tried his best to convince me that he was a drunk and had a sex addiction. I was so, so shocked, I took therapy to try & work out where I was. Ultimately, I knew we had to split as I just couldn't look at him in the same way. He was the love of my life and it completely broke me. As I said, PTSD ensued.

I met this new guy about 9 mths later. Probably way too soon but I really liked him. He was fun and helped take the awful feeling away. I didn't introduce him to my 3 DC fora good year at least and didn't mention him to them. I saw him when the kids were at their dad's.

It's been a volatile relationship. In the sense that I suffer badly from anxiety. I don't cope well with challenging circumstances anymore. I have panic attacks (only mild) and if I drink (which I do often to try to numb the pain) then my insecurities reach the surface.

We've had a good relationship. I fancy him like he'll and he's such fun to be with.

If I was unaffected by what happened in my marriage, I dare say there'd benp issues. But it's hard to create a 'sliding doors' situation and who really knows? I am where I am.

Ive been super loving, kind, fun with him.

But there have been moments when I've become really anxious about one thing or another and the (I think - self diagnosis) the ptsd kicks in and i cant think straight - everything turns to shit and I'm a babbling mess. (I started taking prozac 3 months ago to address this & it seemed to be working)

He was against this,telling me it was just a plaster and wouldn't solve my troubles. I was annoyed at him for this because I knew I just needed a fucking break from the pain & the bad habits I'd got myself into to cope (drinking/smoking).

He lives about 50 mins away from me. I don't see him much more than every fortnight when I am kid free.

We've had so many bust ups, you wouldn't believe. Most of them have come from him being non committal. We've told each other that we love one another. We don't speak much about the future.

He's told me v straight that he won't move in with me ever (I have a 6 bedroom house). He needs his own space to be him & happy.

I've accepted that and thought - fine - the kids dont need a stepdad. We're fine by ourselves.

But I would really like company. It feels like I'm into 20s again, watching shit on TV without a partner to love and care for - a partnership. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen and be better. I feel weak for wanting that but I know that from previous relationships, I thrive from the togetherness & deep, committed love that comes from that.

Anyway, this week abroad was lovely. So, so nice. He was really loving and made me feel so good and wanted & special.

The first night though, I got dressed up, wore a lovely dress - looked the best I could possibly look. Nothing. No word that ilooked nice. Nothing.

I felt like shit. Really awful and that he must have thought I looked crap.(He's never been one for saying I look great when I'm ready for a night out but sometimes he does so i must look better those days??

This kind of matters because he's really quick with telling me I look crap. Out of nowhere a few weeks ago, he told me that my prescription glasses (which I barely wear due to contact lenses) 'really don't suit you'.

A while ago, I wore some plain white trainers from m&s and they were 'shit' and 'embarrassing'.

Every room in my house has something wrong with it that he's criticised.

The way I parent, apparently is wrong.

My car (ancient) is 'shit'.

My (fairly amicable) relationship with my ex isn't right.

My decision making per se is fucked up.

I've got a million more derogatory statements from him. Tbh, writing this out, I hadn't realised how bad it was.

The last night of our hol (2 nights ago) was my breaking point. There had been a few instances recently where I knew I needed to kick off, eg I came to his house on a Friday night and brought stuff to cook for us (I'm a chef) Didn't speak to me once -played some silly thing on his phone until I'd finished.

I didn't kick off because I wanted desperately fortis to work.

I thought it was the prozac doing its job that I didn't.
L
This time,though, away on holiday, I went for it and told him that I needed more.

He didn't address my anxiety. Told me I was ridiculously drunk (I'd had 2 glasses of wine) and that I was a totalf fuck up that would never change.

We went on to dinner. I stayed quiet as I didn't want to argue. I got upset and had tears in my eyes. He looked at me, caught my attention and said 'Xxxx, you are fucking pathetic.'

I was anabolute state. We went home to the hotel. I was a mess then next day. Crying, vomiting(I think ptsd). Then we flew home. All in, around 6-8 hours of not speaking. I had a few mild panic attacks during it it. We had to stop the car he drove me home with fo rme to vomit.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for now.

Sorry this is so long.

I need to pick up the kids from school soon.

It's done me good to write it all out.

(I've not checked this - there could be all sorts of errors . )

Xxxx

He was your rebound guy that went on too long. Do some therapy, find yourself and NEVER let a guy treat you like this again. Good luck and hugs

I'm so sorry. He is cruel. How dare he criticise you like that.

Don't focus on his good points, focus on all the hurt he caused you. You needed kindness and compassion after your marriage ended.

Take time out to heal and go to therapy again, but this time to work on yourself and why you kept someone like him in your life. It will get better. X

I don’t think I’ve ever meant this more - he has done you a huge favour. It always sounds like a terrible platitude but you are so much better off without him. You are worth so much more than the shit treatment you’ve had. Keep going with your therapy and love your kids and know you absolutely can do this. Xx

He sounds abusive and horrible. Pick yourself up love, you deserve so much more. As others have said - counselling. It will help you a lot. The script running round in your head will keep your bar low and it needs to be high. No man should have the ability to drag you down. Put yourself first.

I'm a bloke ( for reference) and that was difficult to read.
You've been very badly abused.
Others here will offer appropriate advice and help.
Take care and, importantly, take time for yourself.

So you know he's a knob.

You need to work on yourself.

I have just come out the other end of a CBT course that I found very helpful for panic attacks.

You need to go to your GP, get referred and genuinely find out if you have PTSD, anxiety, peri-menopausal or a mix. So many women get put on anti-depressants when it's actually the menopause.

Oh OP, it's him not you. He sounds like an awful abusive twat. You have so much good in your life by the sounds of it 3 beautiful children, you are young, slim and have a 6 bedroom house. You do not need anything else let alone this man.

Please just block him, get some counselling and start to heal.

You are very wrong. Trauma is completely dependent on the subjective experience. There is no list of events that can cause trauma and the ones that can't. This is very outdated way of looking at PTSD.

Trauma happens when your whole world as you know it falls apart and you can't make sense of it anymore - finding out that the love of your life is not who you think they are and being horribly betrayed can absolutely leave people with PTSD.

And when you think about it our bodies do respond to that kind of trauma as a threat of death. We are very social creatures and trust and depend on people we love. In ancient times we would literally depend on family to survive. Being betrayed by a loved one is awful experience that leaves changes in the brain.

So next time please don't say to people how upsetting their experience should be. I

I haven't come to say anything different to what you've already been told but cos read and run as I've felt how you're feeling.

It's him, not you. You are deserving of all the things you want and more and you don't need to settle for this.

I'm not sure you're as messed up as you think you are! You've had a horribly traumatic marriage breakup and in the time that you would normally be healing and repairing, you ended up with a man who sounds just as bad as the first. You've never even had chance to begin to recover, as every time you might have taken a step forward, he's dragged you back two steps.

You fancy him and he makes you laugh but he's told you he will never commit to you and he constantly belittles you. That's just adding damage upon damage...no wonder you've developed unhealthy coping mechanisms. He's just done you the world's biggest favour by ending this. Please get into counselling and don't let him anywhere near you ever again. You can live free from all of this!

He is an abusive nasty wanker and you need to split up with him. It was too soon for you to be dating again after such an awful break up. Can you get some councilling?

He's an absolute prick. But I think you need to get therapy, I'm not sure if you ptsd but you don't sound very self confident and you need to build that up so you dont put up with this nonsense from anyone else again.

A loving partner builds you up , not knocks you down.

He’s an abusive, controlling arsehole but you know that and you’re well rid of him.
What speaks to me about your post is how much of your self worth and self esteem is connected to how a man sees you. You needed validation from him about how nice you looked and when he said nothing, it put you in a tail spin. Which leads to all these panic attacks.
You know it wasn’t a healthy relationship. You need to be on your own for a while, learn to love yourself and be happy on your own, not because you’ve been told you’re pretty by a man.

@MrJi

Of course you feel sad and distressed by how your partner behaved but PTSD is a condition of people who have been in or witnessed life threatening and other traumatic situations such as violent assault or sexual abuse. Having a shitty partner is very upsetting but not the same.

This is a completely misguided and incorrect statement. And could be dangerous for people as it minimised the trauma that they may have gone through. While I'm sure you meant no harm, please do read up on PTSD before making statements like this in future.

He’s done you a favour splitting up because he sounds like a horrible bullying shit.

He's abusive @IfIfitsIsits and you really don't need that.

As PP's said, if you were to stop seeing him you'd realize your issues aren't as major as you thought. His constant verbal abuse and criticism will definitely be making you feel worse than you would without it.

Even when he's playing Mr. Nice Guy, it's hard for you to relax because you know he could start dissing you again at any time.

He has made me feel like I'm impossible, unlovable, a quiet mess and a massive fuck up, unworthy of any love, fancying, nothing

Then I’m glad he’s out of your life.

You sound brilliant. You just need your self esteem to show up. It will, give it time.

Whilst you’re waiting, and healing, be kind to yourself. Outrageously kind. Treat yourself like a poorly toddler who needs special care. Pour your love and attention into yourself. Keep going with all those things you know instinctively will help - quit drinking and smoking, go to therapy, keep taking the antidepressants. Don’t listen to anyone who wants to undermine your decisions.

Zero loss.

You need to do a lot of work on yourself and raising your standards before allowing another male in to your kids lives, ideally, keep your dating life separate to your kids, they don’t deserve to keep witnessing their mother being abused, and they have no choice. (I speak from experience as a child who had an abusive house inflicted on them)

Dear @IfIfitsIsits

This man is horrible, insensitive and uncaring to you. You do not need anyone like this in your life.

You are still dealing with, and hurting, from the awful relationship you had before this creature and now he is, quite consciously, being nasty and abusive to you. You don't deserve this treatment from anyone - let alone someone who's supposed to care for you but does the opposite.

You are a decent human being who can cope without anyone so emotionally deficient in your life. You are also strong enough to lever him out of your life, completely and for good.

I bet you that, as soon as you get rid of him, and go no contact, you will feel the weight of dealing with him fall off both shoulders. You have nothing positive to lose and a great deal in self respect (which he is eating away at) to gain from booting him out of your life.

I also agree with other posters that you should get yourself some properly qualified, professional counselling to help support you emotionally and help avoid getting involved with someone like this in future. However a step in the right direction is focusing on and valuing yourself as the good, caring person you already are. Take time without any other new man to compromise in your life for a while.

Wishing you strength for a better future. 🌹

He is cruel and abusive. Thank goodness you're free of him now.

I suggest doing the Freedom Programme so you can pick a better man next time and raise your boundaries.

Easy one. He's not a good catch.

You met him at a vulnerable time and he probably seemed better than your ex. But he's a knob and you deserve better.

He's done you a bloody big favour. He was abusive and bullying. All those digs, put downs, criticisms, undermining comments. None of it is what you deserve. You're not in a rush to meet anyone. Why not deliberately take some time out from relationships to have some therapy, address your PTSD and self medicating with drink that you mention, and think about looking again in a good while when you're have a higher baseline level of happiness and self sufficiency? Neither your cheating husband nor your verbally abusive boyfriend were good enough for you.

Sorry but this is ridiculous.
You know the relationship doesn’t work so you need to end it.
The freedom programme is a good place to start.

It sounds like you need to be single for a while and learn how to be happy alone else you’re going to keep attracting these idiots.

He sounds disgusting. Please for your own sake and that of your children do not ever have anything more to do with this horrible man.