Mess - come back from holiday & we've split up

[IfIfitsIsits]

Hi

I'm feeling so shit.

My boyfriend of almost 3 years has split up with me. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone in real life. Hoping you can talk to me instead.

Starting from the start - as it's crucial - I split up with my ex H 3/4 years ago when I found out he'd been shagging colleagues, clients, prostitutes for 8 of the10 years of our marriage. I was utterly broken, of course. I had no idea what he'd been doing and thought we were really happily married and had 3 v young DC (then 4, 6 & 8).

I suffered trauma and think I have ptsd due to the whole thing.

I take prozac to help my anxiety & self doubt/loathing.

I'm 43 now. Whilst I know objectively, I still look great for my age and know that I am slim and pretty (sorry - not being big-headed but it's true), I do take things out on myself and convince myself (quietly) that I'm shit and unattractive. Why would my ex have done all that if I wasn't?

I found a man on OLD. We'd been together for almost 3 years. During that time, I had a long, protracted divorce and obviously lockdown.

My ex throughout tried to keep me but I knew I simply couldn't. It's been very hard. He tried his best to convince me that he was a drunk and had a sex addiction. I was so, so shocked, I took therapy to try & work out where I was. Ultimately, I knew we had to split as I just couldn't look at him in the same way. He was the love of my life and it completely broke me. As I said, PTSD ensued.

I met this new guy about 9 mths later. Probably way too soon but I really liked him. He was fun and helped take the awful feeling away. I didn't introduce him to my 3 DC fora good year at least and didn't mention him to them. I saw him when the kids were at their dad's.

It's been a volatile relationship. In the sense that I suffer badly from anxiety. I don't cope well with challenging circumstances anymore. I have panic attacks (only mild) and if I drink (which I do often to try to numb the pain) then my insecurities reach the surface.

We've had a good relationship. I fancy him like he'll and he's such fun to be with.

If I was unaffected by what happened in my marriage, I dare say there'd benp issues. But it's hard to create a 'sliding doors' situation and who really knows? I am where I am.

Ive been super loving, kind, fun with him.

But there have been moments when I've become really anxious about one thing or another and the (I think - self diagnosis) the ptsd kicks in and i cant think straight - everything turns to shit and I'm a babbling mess. (I started taking prozac 3 months ago to address this & it seemed to be working)

He was against this,telling me it was just a plaster and wouldn't solve my troubles. I was annoyed at him for this because I knew I just needed a fucking break from the pain & the bad habits I'd got myself into to cope (drinking/smoking).

He lives about 50 mins away from me. I don't see him much more than every fortnight when I am kid free.

We've had so many bust ups, you wouldn't believe. Most of them have come from him being non committal. We've told each other that we love one another. We don't speak much about the future.

He's told me v straight that he won't move in with me ever (I have a 6 bedroom house). He needs his own space to be him & happy.

I've accepted that and thought - fine - the kids dont need a stepdad. We're fine by ourselves.

But I would really like company. It feels like I'm into 20s again, watching shit on TV without a partner to love and care for - a partnership. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen and be better. I feel weak for wanting that but I know that from previous relationships, I thrive from the togetherness & deep, committed love that comes from that.

Anyway, this week abroad was lovely. So, so nice. He was really loving and made me feel so good and wanted & special.

The first night though, I got dressed up, wore a lovely dress - looked the best I could possibly look. Nothing. No word that ilooked nice. Nothing.

I felt like shit. Really awful and that he must have thought I looked crap.(He's never been one for saying I look great when I'm ready for a night out but sometimes he does so i must look better those days??

This kind of matters because he's really quick with telling me I look crap. Out of nowhere a few weeks ago, he told me that my prescription glasses (which I barely wear due to contact lenses) 'really don't suit you'.

A while ago, I wore some plain white trainers from m&s and they were 'shit' and 'embarrassing'.

Every room in my house has something wrong with it that he's criticised.

The way I parent, apparently is wrong.

My car (ancient) is 'shit'.

My (fairly amicable) relationship with my ex isn't right.

My decision making per se is fucked up.

I've got a million more derogatory statements from him. Tbh, writing this out, I hadn't realised how bad it was.

The last night of our hol (2 nights ago) was my breaking point. There had been a few instances recently where I knew I needed to kick off, eg I came to his house on a Friday night and brought stuff to cook for us (I'm a chef) Didn't speak to me once -played some silly thing on his phone until I'd finished.

I didn't kick off because I wanted desperately fortis to work.

I thought it was the prozac doing its job that I didn't.
L
This time,though, away on holiday, I went for it and told him that I needed more.

He didn't address my anxiety. Told me I was ridiculously drunk (I'd had 2 glasses of wine) and that I was a totalf fuck up that would never change.

We went on to dinner. I stayed quiet as I didn't want to argue. I got upset and had tears in my eyes. He looked at me, caught my attention and said 'Xxxx, you are fucking pathetic.'

I was anabolute state. We went home to the hotel. I was a mess then next day. Crying, vomiting(I think ptsd). Then we flew home. All in, around 6-8 hours of not speaking. I had a few mild panic attacks during it it. We had to stop the car he drove me home with fo rme to vomit.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for now.

Sorry this is so long.

I need to pick up the kids from school soon.

It's done me good to write it all out.

(I've not checked this - there could be all sorts of errors . )

Xxxx

I was you 5 years ago op. It's painful and messy and awful, and hard though it is, being on your own right now is the best thing you can do. I have ptsd from the issues from my relationship and I ended up having to go to an alcohol counsellor to manage my drinking because, like you I was using it to block everything out. It's dangerous to drink and take Prozac because the alcohol counteracts/fucks up the effect of the Prozac and you end up needing more of both to make a difference. I was a mess, but I did the mood management and STEPPS programme, which helps with managing your emotional lability, I sorted out my alcohol intake and I took some time out to heal and let my poor nervous system settle down.

It sucks right now but it passes. I promise.

I haven't read through everyones comments but I'm so sorry OP that all sounds horrific.
I know how crippling PTSD can be and that nasty bastard has only made things a million times worse. He's done you a favour by fucking off, I hope he rots tbh. Men like that make me sick.
Send me a private message if it gets too much. The offer is there

You sound lovely. You deserve so much better

It sounds like you would benefit from focusing on yourself rather than a man when you have child free time. A new hobby or volunteering or something that’s a total switch off from your previous life and anything to do with men. You can find companionship and partnership from friends, it doesn’t have to be with a man.

I'm cheering you on OP.
Your life will be better without this toe rag boyfriend. You sound great. Onwards and upwards!

I can't work out this new app! Not replying to someone if it looks like I am!

I picked up the kids after school yesterday and was so, so pleased to see them. We'd really missed each other while I was on hol & they stayed with their dad, going to school normally.

I told them what had happened (the edited version, of course - that ex boyfriend & I had had some arguments at the end of the holiday, couldn't agree on a few things and I think now, we've ended things.)

They were so lovely. We spent the evening eating some lovely jacket potatoes and then we did some karaoke. Sang our hearts out, cuddled and had lots of fun.

Thank god I've got these 3 brilliant people in my life. They are so much fun - aged 8, 10 and 12 now. They don't give me too much trouble as kids go. Well behaved and do well in school and just lovely to be around (when they're being good 😬).

I'm very lucky.

I've been dealt a bit of a shit hand with their dad but I've done my best to remain on good terms with him and the kids love him very much. In spite of what he was doing behind my back and sort of ruined my life, he's still a father that steps up and looks after the kids brilliantly. Things could be miles worse.

Again, thank you so much for your support. Mumsnet can be a weird place sometimes and you can have your arse handed right back to you on a plate if you say the wrong thing. Seen it so many times. Been here lurking for a good 10 + years.

This has been different. A resounding wealth of support and brilliant advice/guidance.

Thank you so, so much. Your support has been incredible and useful. You and the kids last night have given me hope that this will all be OK.

I will be ok.

Thanks again. Xxx

Your kids sound lovely (that is clearly thanks to you...Freud said so; so did Ormally).

I recall a friend of mine talking about a situation where he had a young son at the time of a nasty break up, which was partly down to major financial difficulties coupled with bad illness on one parent's side. He said something about not being too proud or ashamed to recognise the care and strength that his son gave him at the time (the son was by then a teenager). It really resonated. Yes, you should not make your kids your emotional support, and I think you will be really careful about that for their sake, but they are worth 50x as much as the wallies in the rear view mirror. Hope that your recovery path keeps getting sunnier.

Thank you xx

I've been in work this week and the distraction has been good for me. I'd not worked for 10 years as was a SAHM when the kids were little. A few months after I found out what my ex H had been doing, I went back to work. My youngest had just started full time school so I didn't need to stay at home during school hours anymore. I knew I couldn't fester at home as it made things worse and having a job kept me busy and more focused and less likely to get too upset when by myself.

I do have ways of coping with stress which don't include self damage. Work, exercise and doing fun things with the kids. I do need to work on my social network with local female friends although I do have a few trusted friends around here. I will tell them what's happened in a little while. Can't quite face it atm as I know I'll just end up crying and I just don't need that right now, especially when the kids are about. They won't see their dad now for a good week.

I did tell my boss yesterday though. He was asking me loads about the holiday and I while I kept it together in work, I messaged him after. It will make things easier him knowing so I don't get caught off guard in general conversation at work.

Thanks again. Xx